What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

[LosingOnesCool]

I’ve got 2 siblings. Our remaining parent is needing more help and support. They have a couple of operations coming up and will need taking to appointments over the next 6 months.

I’m the only 1 of the 3 siblings who is still working, the others retired early as they could afford it. All their DC have left home, whereas mine are in secondary. I’m a lot younger than them, and had my DC late so there is a big age gap between the families.

Both 1 and one of my siblings are in agreement that we need to do our bit. Other sibling not interested and doesn’t want to give up their freedom.

Just interested how you would react to this. AFAIAK my parents care divided by 3, is going to be much less stress than divided by 2, and it’s trying for all of us, not just sibling 3.

I just don’t think I can have the same relationship moving forward with someone who has no reason whatsoever to opt out of helping other than they don’t want to for selfish reasons. My DH thinks my reaction is a bit harsh but I don’t think you can just dump this on your siblings and think it’s business as usual.

Interested to hear what others think?

You don’t mention where these various people live. It’s one thing if you all live on the same street at your mother. Very different if you live next door, one sibling is 10 miles away, the other 200. Quite apart from differences they may have had growing up affecting their attitude towards parents, you may not know what is going on in the rest of their lives - adult children having a crisis at university or in a first job, caring for their in-laws, their pension isn’t big enough to be able to repeatedly travel to their parent’s house, their own health is problematic, they’ve got a new puppy they wouldn’t able to leave.

Ultimately, it’s up to each sibling how much or little they do, none of them get to dictate to the others. And caring can take many forms - you’re assuming a stay of several days for hospital appointments and after surgery care. But caring can also mean helping them to manage finances, order in a food delivery, helping them fill in a form or arrange care.

If someone doesn’t stay with them after surgery then they’d be kept in hospital, and maybe respite care offered. I won’t do personal care or medical appointments, and neither will my sibling. So when my parent had surgery, she was kept in for a couple of nights, then went to a care home for ten days for rehabilitation.

You're going to find yourself more and more burdened by caring responsibilities OP.

It's very sensible of your sibling to state their boundaries from the off.

Women in their 60s are becoming seriously ill themselves, struggling to look after elderly parents, when they're retired themselves. It's not sustainable.

You've only got to read the Cockroach Cafe threads on here to realise how difficult it is to care for elderly parents.

Link

It may be that the siblings are already caring for in-laws and have no capacity to take on the care of another elderly relative.

My db had moved overseas and nothing at all to help throughout the years of our family’s older generation declining and dying. He didn’t even bother coming home when my mum died, just left me handling all of it alone.

I have forgiven him as I still want a relationship but it will never be quite the same.

Now some years have passed, I have warned him that being alone overseas may be a risk when he is old and he needs a plan and savings for his care.

I suspect though that I will go and help or visit him when he’s in his worst state of health as I love him and he is my family, and I believe you should help the people you love.

Don’t be bitter, OP. The acid will only burn you, your sibling won’t even notice.

Be transparent with your parents. Say me and siblings one will take it in turns to do 1/3 of your care each. Sibling 2 says s/he can't help so you will need to find £x to cover his/ her share of your care. We will organise it.

Ah yes I don’t have siblings, but I do know from my own experience and many others on the Elderly Parents board, that majority of elderly DPs unwilling to agree to paid for care under most circumstances until there is a crisis, or family carers put in boundaries for their own wellbeing.

Plus OP has said she doesn’t want to outsource- with hindsight maybe this is why other sibling isn’t getting involved. I do a lot for my DPs but I refuse to do personal intimate care for my DPs and would be very upset if I was told I would have to, also I really can’t stand staying over - I need to decompress after visiting for the sake of my own mental health.

If only money - of which my DPs have a ludicrous amount- could resolve the issue so simply.

My partners set up is similar - one parent left alive. Three siblings, eldest two then a big gap to the golden child third. The older two do nothing, youngest does it all despite having a younger family. However, the parent has given huge financial help to the youngest, that means they don’t have to work. So the elder two feel they are earning their “cash” and leave them to it. The elder two don’t have a great relationship with the parent anyway…I find it all really odd as I’d have done anything for my parents but it seems to be working out for them!

You can’t make someone do something they don't want to, and if they don’t do a good job you might as well have done it yourself i find! I’ve also observed the more siblings there are, the more the work seems to be left to one!

I’m sorry you’re going through this; I’ve seen this kind of sibling tension before and it’s so hard.

In my family, we had a similar situation, and here’s what helped us — maybe it’ll be useful to you:

Open talk: We all sat down and tried to map out what each of us can contribute (time, finances, tasks) rather than what each should. It doesn’t always work, but it helps clarify expectations.

Professional help: We reached out to a local social worker / aging support service to get an unbiased opinion on what our parent’s needs actually are.

Exploring care options: We discovered a site called Lottie.or, it’s a platform where families can compare home care services. Using it, we got multiple pricing options in our area. It helped reduce the “guesswork” when deciding who should pay for what and which care paths are realistic.

Cost-sharing plan: After seeing real quotes, my siblings and I agreed on a split that each could afford. We also set up regular check-ins to revisit if one of us is struggling.

Boundary & empathy: You have to recognise your limits. Caregiving can strain even the strongest bonds, so it’s okay to say no or renegotiate.

Wishing you peace and solutions.

No one is obligated to care for their parents so they have the right to set boundaries if they want to just as you feel obliged to help. Not everyone is built for caring. If they can afford it they can buy in help.

Yes there is nothing you can do and yes / they are prioritising themselves over you and your parents / and you should treat them the same back - deprioritised

You can't decide for someone else. You can decide how their choices affect your relationship and you can decide to tell them. You can set limits for yourself too. But maybe your feelings for them are not conditional on what they do or don't do. There might be other things they are willing to help with, down the road, so probably not in your interests to completely burn bridges.

So I called my sibling up to tell them that our parent has a life threatening diagnosis.

They knew our parent was having symptoms and tests to find out the issue, so it’s not unexpected.

They told me they were busy, and would call me back.

That was a week ago.

I know my own family. I’m pretty sure we all had the same childhood. AFAIAK there is no issue.

My other sibling and I reckon they’ve been distancing themselves so they don’t have to do any work for my parent.

I just think their behaviour is despicable. I have know for a week that my parent has a serious diagnosis, and my other sibling can’t even be arsed to find out.

I’ve told myself that if they won’t help, fine. I can’t force them. However keeping them in the loop, letting them know what’s going on, updating them is just another piece of admin I’ll have to do and I’m not their secretary. I won’t be doing it.

I know people are saying something must’ve happened? Well, we are none the wiser and we are all in our 50’s. I think it’s purely a case of being well off, (used to be a CEO retired really young) not wanting to give up any time away from golf, holidays, nice times, having their own grown DC and sorry to say it, but being a man. I known NAMALT but in this case I think it plays a big part.

My DH has known my sibling for 35 years and said that if anything, they are the closest to my parent having shared hobbies and sport all their lives.

I understand your frustration, but nobody should be obligated to help. You are doing it, despite saying you don't want to. They are equally within their rights to not do it. And I don't think you should be shaming them for that.

Of course, no one is obliged to help. I just don’t understand how you can look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who abandoned a parent in their most vulnerable time.

I’ve thought about this a lot. For me, my parent has been a good one. They’ve been really strong and helped us out. We had a lovely childhood.

I’ve watched one parent die. There’s no way I’m going to let my remaining parent be ill and die alone if I can help it.

It’s ok if we don’t agree here. This thread has helped clear my mind and helped me work out what I can do for them.

I won’t have a blow out with my sibling but as far as I’m concerned he’s a coward, has no morals and I’m not going to be his secretary keeping him up to date. He can ask my parent himself when he can be arsed to call him.

It does seem very odd with your latest update. What’s the other siblings take on this ?

My repulsive 'ex' sister refused to speak to, go near or have anything to do with our mother in the last few years of her life.
I also stopped talking to 'sister' as she was very unpleasant bout my own children. I did everything (willingly but it was exhausting) for our mother. Mum then had a serious stroke and was admitted to hospital and finally a care home for end of life care.
All of a sudden S decided to start visiting, calling the hospital/home with demands for information and offering' advice'. It made me so angry. The manager of the home called to calm me down but as I didn't have POA (stupidly) there was nothing I could do.
S didn't come to mum's funeral, luckily, as it would have been very difficult for me to stay civil., but very quickly, along with her equally revolting son, demanded a copy of the will, a list of expenses, and her share.
This was 6 years ago and I simply do not consider I have a sister anymore, which is sad.
There are two sides of course but I found it so distressing. She had no dependants, no ties, nothing and I had three children, grandchildren a busy job and the stress of not knowing when mum would die, organising the funeral, clearing her home... I sometimes wonder how i did it!
The worst bit was finding a card from S to mum when she was about a month from dying saying along the lines of 'we're having a wonderful holiday - will be flying back soon and pop in'.Disgusting woman

My other sibling is very overwhelmed and stressed out as they live closest and are doing a lot on top of their own family. I’m trying to help as much as I can (live further away). My sibling is exhausted.

They feel like me. That we should all help out in any way we can to shoulder the load. Even just a bit would help. They are as appalled as I am.

Its weird. It feels like I’m in a life boat and it’s low in the water and my sibling has said “throw them out” to save his own lot. I know thats dramatic, but that’s how I feel.

Something is weird.

Are you sure your brother isn't directly in touch with your parent?

Or he or his spouse or adult child have their own horrible health or similar life altering crisis going on right now which he doesn't want to or have bandwidth or permission to share with you and your sister?

Siblings really don't ever have the same childhood btw even when they have both the same parents and grew up in the same house.

Birth order and biological sex make an absolutely enormous difference to how each parent treat children even when this is completely unintentional and subconscious and parents genuinely believe they treated their children the same way (an example without any abuse is that the eldest girl is/ used to be made responsible for younger siblings and the younger ones think they had a lovely childhood in which they all loved spending time together, while the eldest remembers not being allowed to leave the house unless she took her siblings, not being allowed to study for exams if her siblings were bored and wanted her to play, being shamed as selfish for not letting siblings on her room whenever they wished, being shamed for not prioritising her siblings' wants and happiness above her own needs and wants - all to give her parents "peace and quiet"). Older parents might have been harsher on a boy in different ways to girls - boys treated more coldly - not meant to express emotional needs/ cry/ be sad/ want affection/ fail at sports/ academics or whatever.

Obviously though it's entirely possible that your brother is a selfish arsehole. Still, if he is, ypu have to wonder how that happened if your parents were wonderful - nature is their genetics and nature their choices bringing him up.

I thought the other sibling was retired and kids had left home. How are they overwhelmed?
It does seem selfish of the third sibling, are they definitely in a position to help?

Caring is hard. It changes your relationship with your parent and impacts your whole family . I’m currently the main carer for my mum who has dementia and has lost a lot of mobility. In some ways I wish my sister had just said she doesn’t want to do it but instead she says she will and does the minimum. I think she wants to be seen to be hands on but the reality is my husband does a lot more to support me.

my mum was a wonderful mum and grandma and I want to do this for her but there have been so many times when ive been overweight and I’ve wanted to run away from the huge responsibility which is just so physically and emotionally draining. I don’t think it’s for everyone and I don’t think we can force them to do it BUT it does also feel unfair at times.

I would accept that it's my sibling's choice to make just as, equally, I would also have a choice to make re caring for a parent. Absolutely nobody is obligated to do this, OP, so if you don't want to do it, that's fine - just be clear. Also, don't turn yourself into a martyr, and resent others because of it.

OP, imagine an older person in your parent's situation who doesn't have any children or relatives. They have no choice but to work this out for themselves, pay for taxis etc. They do it without questioning it, so it is perfectly possible. So it's not automatic that adult children are obligated to do this - with a bit of imagination, there will be all sorts of possible solutions.

OP, it's not your job to "update" any of your siblings. If you parent wants them to know stuff, they'll tell them. Otherwise, just leave well alone and don't take on unnecessary tasks.
And there's nothing wrong with dying alone - that is what I want for myself, so that nobody else is impacted. Your views are yours - fine, but don't assume that other valid views don't also exist.

I’m the older sibling.

my father is dying.

he was horrible to me - I would say abusive - and is closer to my brother.

I won’t do any care for him.

I am very LC for good reason.

my bother thinks I’m a bitch because we had a lovely childhood.

I’ve also got ovarian cancer which I’m about to start treatment for but he doesn’t know that. We aren’t close and I don’t want to tell him.

just a different perspective.