What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

[LosingOnesCool]

I’ve got 2 siblings. Our remaining parent is needing more help and support. They have a couple of operations coming up and will need taking to appointments over the next 6 months.

I’m the only 1 of the 3 siblings who is still working, the others retired early as they could afford it. All their DC have left home, whereas mine are in secondary. I’m a lot younger than them, and had my DC late so there is a big age gap between the families.

Both 1 and one of my siblings are in agreement that we need to do our bit. Other sibling not interested and doesn’t want to give up their freedom.

Just interested how you would react to this. AFAIAK my parents care divided by 3, is going to be much less stress than divided by 2, and it’s trying for all of us, not just sibling 3.

I just don’t think I can have the same relationship moving forward with someone who has no reason whatsoever to opt out of helping other than they don’t want to for selfish reasons. My DH thinks my reaction is a bit harsh but I don’t think you can just dump this on your siblings and think it’s business as usual.

Interested to hear what others think?

I'm one of three. I live four hours away and am quite unwell myself. I work FT to help dc at uni with their costs. I have no spare capacity or funds. The other two live nearby. One does a very limited amount (has suffered trauma from DM's cruelty and abuse throughout life). The other runs round DM doing things that are necessary, but also things she could easily do herself. Then complains about it.

It's very difficult. I feel if my sibling did less dm would go into residential care or a warden controlled flat. The help enables her not to. None of us has a good relationship with her though.

Exactly.
I moved to another country, one reason was never to have the "duty" to help my (emotionally abusive) parents.
It was a good decision.

You can’t force your other sibling to do their share of the care work. Even if they agreed to certain tasks, if they decide they are not doing them, you and helpful sibling will end up picking up the slack, potentially at short notice. Hopefully your parent will give POA just to you and helpful sibling. Depending on how it is set up, you and helpful sibling could have to wait for the other one to agree to any decisions or your other sibling could act unilaterally to undermine you and helpful sibling.

What will happen if your parent needs hands-on care? I suspect the answer will depend on whether this is DM or DF and whether you and helpful sibling are the same or opposite sex.

Before DP is discharged from hospital, make sure there is an appropriate care package in place and be honest about what you can offer. Social Services will try to put the minimum in place (being mindful that this is funded by the public purse) but caring can be very intense and gradually increase until you are doing more than you can cope with long-term. The last thing you need is for either you or helpful sibling to burn out. Citizens Advice can be helpful for telling you what services are available in your area, both for carers and the person receiving care, and what they are called locally as Social Services may not know or volunteer this information.

Make sure your parent knows who in the family is and is not helping as, to put it nicely, recollections can vary.

I'm in a similar situation with a sibling and other close family member who has accepted huge amounts of help from my mother but both refuse to do very much at all now that Mum needs quite a lot of help. I understand your frustration and I agree that it will definitely change my relationship with them going forward. However, as pp have said for the sake of your own mental health you will need to accept that you can't make them share the burden and so need to plan ways to manage that will work for you, including finding external help if needed.

Having said that, I can understand your older siblings not wanting to give up their freedom for caring duties. I'm in a similar position myself and really unhappy that my younger sibling (who chose to have children later in life) considers that I should give up all my spare time now. I am doing what needs to be done for Mum's sake but privately I feel that I deserve some freedom now that my DC are older just as my younger sibling had freedom for longer before he settled down. I have also reached an age where I see friends with declining health and/or taking on caring for grandchildren and I feel that I need to take some time to do things for myself whilst I am still fit, well and able. Although in my case the feelings towards my sibling are exacerbated by the fact that when they were of an age to enjoy their freedom my own parents spent their time, energy and money helping/bailing out my sibling and the other family member mentioned above so they didn't get to really enjoy retirement.

What I mean that is if a sibling doesn't help they don't get to say things like 'someone needs to visit mum every day' or ' mum would like to go out for coffee more often' or later on 'mum should be cared for at home' . Obviously if your Mum has capacity her views are important but whatever she wants the two of you caring only have to do what you are willing and able.

So many families fall out over this sort of thing. You might have a long road ahead, don’t be too quick to condemn your sibling.

Things like this aren’t black and white and you're just at the beginning, you might still all work it out between you. Keep communicating.

I was in this situation a bit but as the "refusee". It wasn't just selfishness though. I suffered subtle emotional abuse and manipulation as well as some neglect and had a very difficult and painful relationship with my mother throughtout adulthood. Even with many years of antidepressants and therapy it remained a tricky and painful relationship until her death. I had to protect myself emotionally from too much contact with her, even in the face of pressure and manipulation from her and my sibling to "do more".
My younger sibling does not know how I feel, they do not know about the antidepressants and the therapy. Their relationship with my mother was different and they perceived their childhood very differently to me. I have not felt able to share my experience with them as I felt they would not be able to acknowledge a different experience to their own and also would not be able to keep things confidential. I often felt I was being judged as being lazy/ selfish by both my mother and my sibling.

It may be that your siblings just wants to live their life selfishly but it also may be that they have stuff going on that you don't know about. I don't see how you can know for certain.

There’s nothing you can or should do. You want to help, your sibling doesn’t, that’s it. If you lose respect for them over it, that’s your choice.

Your siblings can't be forced to help your parents. If you want to cut this siblings out of your life because of it that is up to you. Don't take on more than you can manage. Can parent claim attendance allowance? if so outsource some help to a cleaner or agency carer.

Did the sibling who doesn’t want to help give any reason at all? Or did she just say no? I’m not sure that it makes a difference, but at least there might be some reason OP? Did she suggest an alternative eg more private care or residential care.

It is ultimately a choice for each of you to make, based on the time and the emotional resources that you each feel able to give.

I do everything for my dad. My sibling does next to nothing. The people who care about me are often outraged by the perception that she isn't doing her fair share, but I choose not to look at it in that light. It doesn't help me to be angry, and I am not standing in her shoes. So I choose not to judge.

We have each made the decisions that we feel are right for us at this particular time. Either of us may choose to do things differently in the future, or not, as the case may be. I cannot force my dsis to help, and I wouldn't actually want to. Nobody is forcing me to do what I do either.

Caring for elderly parents is tough, and it isn't for everyone. We all have to set our own limits.

I think you can't dictate what other adults should or shouldn't do, just do what you want to do, and also encourage taxis, carers etc
They are not morally obliged whatever you may think.

Awful op but what can you do. Im one of 3 we all help. Could not imagine leaving one doing it all.. my friend 8 them only 3 did anything. Brother law his siblings abroad so zero help there. God hard going isnt it. So much pressure if nobody helping

My take on it is that you should decide the amount you want to do, regardless of what your siblings are doing. None of you are obligated and it’s really annoying when people start playing the martyr and making demands of their siblings.

Me and my siblings do different amounts for our parents, my oldest brother does the most, me second and my other brother doesn’t do much at all. We are all happy with those amounts, independent of what the others are doing so none of us feel resentful. We are close and see each other often.

You can think you are fully aware of the relationship each sibling has with the parent and everything that is going on in the sibling’s life, but you are not. Being able to be a caregiver is a highly personal decision. Sometimes the only possible answer is no.

I've not long since been in a similar situation - my mum had a bad fall and was in hospital for 2 weeks and essentially bed bound for another 6. My mum and I have been LC for about 4 years, partially driven by her complete indifference towards me, at the same time as running round after my sibling, endless childcare, cleaning, even doing their washing.

My mum's accident actually took place at my siblings house, and they have not lifted a finger. I asked them to get some clothing etc from my mum's house to bring to the hospital, they said they couldn't, it would be 'too hard' Of the 2 weeks she was in hospital, they visited twice.

Mum was then living with me for another 6 weeks, my sibling visited 5 times max, complained the single time they were asked to empty the commode, fell asleep on my sofa and demanded that I make them lunch.

When mum was finally well enough to move back to her own home, my sibling didn't do anything, they work very near my mum's home and use her driveway to park on, but still didnt pop in to see them at all, offer to get them shopping, take them out for a coffee.

I've gone from being very close to my sibling to barely able to look at them. I have my own very busy life, 2 children with additional needs, a high pressure job, a house to run but there was no consideration of that at all, the burden was mine alone. I've realized that we are related but I don't think I would choose to be friends if I'd just met them. I'm struggling with them as a person that I've just seen take and take, and I've realized will always take and take as much as they are able. It's made me quite sad, and I feel like I'm almost grieving the person I thought they were, or the person they used to be.

What were your mums plans for coping as she aged?
What has she put in place? Carers, cleaners, gardeners, local taxi service, handymen, etc etc? Anything to relieve the indefinite burden off her busy family in the prime of their lives with jobs, children, life opportunities of their own. This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in care and help and leave our children free.
You’re entering a difficult phase. I wouldn’t judge anyone willing only to do the bare minimum. I’ve seen too many end up on antidepressants re elder care. Boundaries and self preservation are key.
And inheritance is irrelevant. Any input should be given with good intent or not at all.

I don't want my child to have to do these things for me unless she actually really wants to, I'd rather her visit to see me and I fund taxis and carers around it. I want her to enjoy her life and not spend it like that.

I’m lucky to have two siblings but I’m the one who lives close to Mum. I’ve known quite a few complete family feuds over care/funeral decisions about parents, one of which has remained complete no contact between 4 siblings for over 20 years - the main participants have now died themselves.

So it’s common, and there’s no guarantee that this would ever improve. Ultimately you can’t make people do what you have decided they should do. Tbh after one operation my Mum had it would probably have been better if she’d gone into respite care for a bit, she might have recovered better than she did in my care. I’m also a big believer in doing what really makes a difference for family to do, and to outsource as much as possible of the rest. When I had my dad in hospital, my mum deteriorating and trying to move, my godmother in hospital, my MIL in a nursing home, my FIL diagnosed with cancer and my ds still at school, while I was grieving my own Dh, I had to prioritise pretty hard and I’m sure I didn’t always choose what others would.

It is totally up to you how much care you give your mother and it is totally up to your siblings how much care they give. You cannot decide how much another person does. Are you bossy and controlling? Your mother could have carers etc in. As parents of adult children we have decided that our children will not be doing our care. Why would you want anyone you love to give up their free time to look after you?

I’m with you op.. unless there’s been abuse, I can’t imagine not being there for my parents if I was able. I know people say on here you don’t owe your parents anything but I disagree.. I owe them my life and only have one set of parents.

We each do what we feel comfortable doing. I can look at myself in the mirror and say that Imdid what I reasonably could. I assume my siblings feel the same way.

Your siblings are under no obligation to do anything, and it’s not your role to police that.

Do what you can, then stop and let your parents hire help to do the rest. And give your siblings the benefit of the doubt, that maybe they cannot help, for whatever reason, but that’s not for you to judge.

Of course your relationship with the non helping sibling will be damaged. Try to park your feelings about it to one side and focus on what matters.
You are lucky to have one sibling to share the load with, I am an only DC with two aging DPs one bed bound and one with undiagnosed dementia . They need more help than they are prepared to pay for, and live an hour away in good traffic conditions.It all sits on me. DH has been a huge help and is also going up to them, but as it’s just us it means we can’t do longer holidays until the situation resolves itself and no matter how much I/we do it’s never enough.

Perhaps they are just waiting until a bit nearer the time.
BIL is an odd one, emotionally stunted but had a bit of therapy and launching himself into his new life
He gate keeps information. SIL was the youngest and its always been about her so she always has and continues to swallow up time and resources.
I hope DH does enough to sit right but I won't be encouraging him to even do a third. We've not had the same support and our kids are always sidelined for other, louder GC. 20 years of the short straw of spare beds when visiting is the petty factor.
All three siblings would claim to be on a happy, supportive family but the cracks from childhood are there.

I have fallen out with my sibling for this reason. The utter selfishness was shocking. Even if it’s not for the parent, then do it for the sibling. But no