DM 84 calls me when I am away half the world with grievances, no boundaries

[activeocean]

DM knew I am going away and I told her I will call her if possible but may equally not to so I will speak to her when I am back. She was ok about it. Holiday far away, different time zone and I am on day two trying to relax. She calls me and literally first sentence is a grievance as for why I did not call, have we landed because she doesnt know, why I did not call her. Due respect if I am picking up the call means I am alive, I explained to her that I did not have a chance to get my head around it all plus there is a differnt timezone, she just hangs up. In my fantasy land I expect her to call and say ' hello I know you said you will call but I thougth I do, how are you, hope all is well' No no no she has to ruin it. All my life instead of nearly 50 I am permanently 11yo. I moved abroad 25 years ago to be away from her control and yet she still does it. I have been told here to set boundaries and I did - do not call her so often but she decides to call me herself and be unpleasant. I regularly recieve 'stories' from her about other children of her friends who take those friends on holidays etc and it is a dig at me because I dont. No matter how hard I try to set my boundaries, how far I go away on holiday or simply run away she always manages to ruin it for me. I do not know how to firmly tell her. I do not plan to call her from holiday, she knows I am alive and that should be enough. She is controlling, dramatic and nosey. She says things like 'I know you better than anyone else' - for record for past 25 years sees me 1-2 a year and we were NC for 7years. I am after 2 divorces and in therapy so all is connected. I understand they do it out of fear but fgs I can not take responsbility for her fears.

I am very compassionate as I have a challenging mother (understatement). But, you are not made to feel anything, she has no power over you, you are an adult. You must move forward or it will eat you up. Ignore the people saying message her more/try to understand. They do not understand and it is as pointless trying to make them understand as it is to get your mum to respect your boundaries and be/have been a better mum.

You are likely trauma bonded to her and it's like a scab, hurts but you get a kick out of picking it. You know she was and is awful, you don't need anyone else to tell you that in order to justify stepping away. Your needs can't be foremost whilst you continue to interact with her. It's like being bitten by a snake and asking the snake why it bit you. Totally pointless. If you have a 1000 posters who express compassion for you what good is it, there will always be one who doesn't and you'll fixate on it. You don't need to justify anything, she's awful and doesn't deserve you. Doesn't matter why she is like that, only that she is like that. I saw friends at the weekend, some of their friends know my mum - had to endure the oh she's brilliant etc etc. I felt physically ill and that continued into the day after so I do sympathise.

Im reading this whole thread with interest as it’s so like my relative! I can only imagine how hard it is when it’s someone’s mum.

@TorroFerney When people tell you how great your mum is do you ever put your point of view across or do you think it’s more wise to say nothing? This is something I always struggle with. If people say how great my relative is (which doesn’t happen that often tbh as most people can see what she’s like) I am always torn between smiling and saying yes, or between being more honest and saying, actually she really isn’t 😂The latter makes me look like the bad guy, and that’s a sensitive topic for me, because for every one of us who understands emotional abuse, we are sick of being made to look like the bad guy as it is.

Sorry to hijack a bit OP but hopefully this will be relevant / helpful for you too. We all need all the help and advice we can get.

It's not that uncommon.

One time, Dh and I had gone on holiday to Italy. I phoned home the first full day to check in.

Mum (in tears): "When are you coming home?"

In my mum's case, I think that it was probably the start of her dementia.

You sound a delight. A lovely person. 😬🤥

It’s inappropriate that you are making sarcastic comments on a thread where people have been driven to despair over abusive relatives. It’s obviously never happened to you, otherwise you’d understand. This is not the thread for you.

Just nessage her once a day. It will take literally seconds. 'Hi mum, hope you're well and got dripping tap fixed. Landed safely yesterday, very hot here, seen Taj Mahal. Much love sue'

I feel your pain if I don't text and ring daily she winges yet is a narcissist my hole life dictatorship in everything I did, go back ten years I found a man moved away not too far I cannot be there for her but far enough she won't drive to visit😂😂,out of shear guilt I ring visit as I know she is lonely yet when I visit I do things like buy nice food or try take her for a meal all she does is bitch about anyone or anything, and winges about herself absolutely no joy I manage a hour do what I need to do or sort and leave!!! Dreading when she needs more help😭

I find it absolutely bizarre that a woman of quite an old age couldn't at least have a quick call to say hi we are landed and safe . Doesn't matter what age daughter is either. Elderly people become worriers it's not there fault and guess what it will happen to you to and how would you feel if you found your son or daughter blocked you simply because they couldn't be bothered... Not sure what's happened to family love but I'm so glad my family and extended don't act like half these replies!

We have a DD with learning disability and life threatening condition, who lives in a specialist care home - but really, she wants to live at home. There has been a big best interest meeting and it’s been agreed that’s what’s best, considering we can’t cope with her full time. She comes home about 30% of the time, as a balance.

Left to her own devices, she’d ring us constantly if she could. We speak to her on Teams three times a week for half an hour. We are on holiday seven time zones away atm. We continue with the three Teams calls a week, even though we are ringing her at 10 pm our time, and it’s 3 pm in England. It doesn’t cause us any stress, and she understands the routine. She knows she is still important to us, and we don’t just forget about her. It’s not what we talk about to her, it’s the act of talking and listening to her upsets.

We always know, we could get a phone call to say she is injured or dead; but that stress never goes away.

IMO, a bit of give and take is better really - that they have been remembered.

She really does. A healthy woman with boundaries, more of us need to take note of that.

Hmm. Closer friends know, I am careful not to share with more random people as it’s just a pleasantry really , something to say and would be unfair to them. I did say at the weekend oh I don’t see her much thinking it would end the conversation but she kept on and it paralysed me somehow! If someone says she’s fab I just don’t answer, I just smile. Every fibre of my being though is screaming “ I fucking hate her”.

so think it would depend what they were saying, if it got to a oh you are so lucky to have her I would say something a d that would be something like she’s absolutely no interest in me or her grandchild a d nothing more. If people say your mum is brilliant and they generally know her through the volunteering I say yes she is good at x.

Now for me that would spoil every day of my holiday, I’d be dreading it all day, I’d feel ill with a knot in my stomach . Now you may say do it first thing then, in which case I’d have anxiety dreams all night and wake up feeling ill.

when she hit a big birthday mine decided she’d text me every day with a thumbs up so I knew she was ok, I didn’t ask her to. But then she’d just not do it sometimes , just constant jolts of adrenaline for me. Luckily I made a comment she didn’t like so she stopped talking to me for a bit and just stopped the thumbs up and even when she started taking to me (obviously I offered the olive branch) they never started again.

I had this situation yesterday. I gave my mother the number of my hairdresser as she asked for it. I went to get my hair cut yesterday and the hairdresser gushed about how lovely my mother is. Instead of saying ‘yes she is, she’s great’, I responded ‘she is on the surface but actually she’s very hard work beneath that.’
My mother loves to play a part. She dresses up, gets her make up and jewellery on and gushes with fake interest and bonhomie. People think what a lovely lady. She’s fine as long as she’s dominating every interaction and not being challenged in any way.

I find it absolutely bizarre that you can read the OP's post where she says that she was beaten every day as a child and you can still think that OP should pander to her awful mother. There was obviously no family love from her mum when OP was a child but you expect her to be at her mum's beck and call. Or did you miss OP's post where she said:

'PP saying she is probably lonely, worried, home bound. I was beaten up daily as a child and today at 50 still dont know why. What about how I feel/ felt? The impact it had? What about my loneliness? What about my illnesses?'

Unkind and abusive mothers don't magically turn into sweet old ladies deserving of their daughter's love and support. Your judgemental post to OP is tone deaf.

Thanks @DiscoNightsamd @TorroFerney
I really am a good person driven to distraction by someone who doesn't realise the impact of her needs on me. I am now on meds for stress so I know I need to keep boundaries as Ive let myself dip too low. So im trying. Although it doesn’t always work. And I forget to employ my strategies as Im menopausal!!

Four times on a daily phone call I said “I have to go mum Im tired”. First I got “yes of course you work so hard you must be tired. Did I tell mention next doors daughters gardener and his wife being tired…” (or something).
I brought the convo back to “as I was saying Im going to go get ready for bed” and got “yes get an early night, how are you sleeping” which dragged the convo on again.
Then it was a chat about something else happening later in the week. Then it was about something else random that could have waited til the following day. She just wants to talk because she’s lonely. She’s lonely because she chooses not to keep up her friendships and won’t engage with community groups. I am expected to make up for it all. It’s not fair on me and she knows that but does it anyway.

Yesterday I took her to the gp. On the way there she read every road sign, street name, van business name sign, out loud for no reason. She sadly remarked she’d not been out in over a week. It’s true but I work.

She chooses not to attend any of the council elderly groups that I tried to get her into “i dont like that kind of thing” or engage with anything other than next doors, tv magazines and carers. That’s why you haven’t been out mum. Too much pressure on me won’t change me having to work till Im 67 meaning Im busy in the daytime. You want out you need to sign up to stuff that they collect youu and return you later.

It’s hard going. I do love her. I take her to anything she needs as shes too frail for taxis. I take her to buy whatever she needs for food etc as she can’t work the internet. I deal with insurance policies etc because she can’t. I basically run two households.

God it’s exhausting isn’t it? I really feel for you.

God its tiring. Our mam got some home help took a bit of pressure off. I think if your family easy people are quick to judge. I was exhausted this summer dealing with my mother. I hate it. 80s

Not sure what's happened to non-judgemental support but I'm so glad the majority of posters on Elderly Parents don't say these things.

Hope you're feeling really big now if you've read OP's description of how her mum has behaved in the past.

Have you ever cared for an elderly relative yourself?

I am actually traumatised I have decided. So many times i have gone round to help or put time and effort into something for her only for her to be really cutting or nasty just out of the blue. I absolutely dread seeing her and feel ill in the run up. I make arrangements to see her and then cancel because I just can't bring myself to do it.

Years ago we went to Asia for 3 months and my husband had to Skype his mother to her land line to ask for her Morrisons online order.. I then had to do it then she would ring our son to get in contact with us to tell me I had ordered the wrong chops or they had replaced some of her order.
Used to drive us mad but she wouldn't eat if we didn't do it. Son lived the other end of the country to her and she wouldn't let him do the order.

Hmm, interesting the I am a good person comment. There’s a people pleasing daughter (hello from another one!).

I don’t love mine so it’s easier, well I feel no love.

but what I would say is stop trying to “nice” her into being happy. She’s not your responsibility to keep entertained and find distractions for , I bet you are doing it out of guilt. I’ll feel better that I’m not as in touch but I can’t stand to think of her sitting there lonely . Same with the calls. Say goodbye and put the phone down. You’ll feel shit but it’s just a feeling, nothing will actually happen. Feelings aren’t facts.

You could have text or sent a photo message to say that you had arrived instead ?

Send a quick text to say you’ve landed and will speak when you are back and then switch to an eSIM so she can’t call you.

How ? OP says her mum doesn't have a phone

The mum doesn’t have a smartphone