DM 84 calls me when I am away half the world with grievances, no boundaries

[activeocean]

DM knew I am going away and I told her I will call her if possible but may equally not to so I will speak to her when I am back. She was ok about it. Holiday far away, different time zone and I am on day two trying to relax. She calls me and literally first sentence is a grievance as for why I did not call, have we landed because she doesnt know, why I did not call her. Due respect if I am picking up the call means I am alive, I explained to her that I did not have a chance to get my head around it all plus there is a differnt timezone, she just hangs up. In my fantasy land I expect her to call and say ' hello I know you said you will call but I thougth I do, how are you, hope all is well' No no no she has to ruin it. All my life instead of nearly 50 I am permanently 11yo. I moved abroad 25 years ago to be away from her control and yet she still does it. I have been told here to set boundaries and I did - do not call her so often but she decides to call me herself and be unpleasant. I regularly recieve 'stories' from her about other children of her friends who take those friends on holidays etc and it is a dig at me because I dont. No matter how hard I try to set my boundaries, how far I go away on holiday or simply run away she always manages to ruin it for me. I do not know how to firmly tell her. I do not plan to call her from holiday, she knows I am alive and that should be enough. She is controlling, dramatic and nosey. She says things like 'I know you better than anyone else' - for record for past 25 years sees me 1-2 a year and we were NC for 7years. I am after 2 divorces and in therapy so all is connected. I understand they do it out of fear but fgs I can not take responsbility for her fears.

sorry I missed a key element in my story - my DM has no smartphone. Refuses to have one but complains all the time that everyone is in touch and sends pictures, she expects we (her friends and I) print pictures for her the old way which is often difficult. She is often adamant that she is being discriminated because she has no smartphone and tells people it is not her problem it is their problem that they can not contact her. I once told her that her behaviour is like refusing electricity and still sitting by candle when the world has electricity. Offended.

Buy her a smart phone and start messaging her on it! No excuses for her then.

she refuses smartphone
having a smartphone will not keep attention on her.
she was all funny when I told her about this exotic holiday because 2 weeks ago she demanded I come over (she lives abroad) to talk to her as as she wants to move. She can not discuss over phone (not enough control and attention). I must drop everything and come over. (note: I am on this holiday post made redundant in August so I am stressed) She lives in a comfortable apartement but started conflct with neighbours after 40 years of lovely set up. Now wants me to sell her place (I can not I am not legally on any deeds) and she wants me to invest my money in a new flat for her. I told her selling will lose her money, she will get a considerably smaller flat, can not afford refurb, move on its own is a big event for elderly so not a good idea overall. She wants to do it on her own - she has no email address, no smartphone, any technology she doesnt even understand what anyone says to her but she will conduct a complex sell and buy transaction at 84. A person who only moved once in her adult life.
She has been very pushy in recent months that I should drop everything (my life I build abroad) and come back and look after her.

I am also in a relationship with much older partner which I sense she is jelaous he gets attention not her so at any cost she tries to insert herself. My relationship with DP is toxic but at the moment I can not leave. She knows she could snap me up on the guilt trip (you are single now you can look after me) so what I do efectively is pick the better worse. I belive it is temporary.
I can not relax on this holiday as I am thinking about it daily and now being here on mumsnet to just be heard and..... relax by reading your comments.
It's all my life all this. I am in therapy and can not wait for my next session. I thought of geting a job in the country of my origin next year but in another city far awat and tell her I only travel there for work like few days a month so she doesnt suck me in.

In covid we spoke daily. I wanted to give her comfort. She managed to get out of me a phone number to a friend of mine. (40 years of friendship) She said she has not got any phone number to any of my friends who live in the UK and I gave it to her to pacify the anxiety. I did not think she will ever use it. A month later I get a call from that friend. She is upset and concerned as why my mum phoned her, where she had her number from and that my mothers requests towards the friend (my mother never met her) have been strange and made her feel awkward. Cutting story short my DM knowing I am in toxic relationship phoned the friend to lecture her how to rescue me and what to do to help me. It was not really best time as everyone was in lockdown so my DM expectations were unreasonable. Friends admitted my DM made her feel uneasy etc, I apologised for sharing her number as I was convicned my DM will never phone anyone. Friendship never recovered afer this incident. I lost a friend and my mother said (never meeting the person) 'oh she was stupid anyway you do not need her'. Mind you my DM is back to square one now - has not got anyone's from my circle number and it is ok. I have plethora of similar stories.

I do not have children. When I was in my 20s and announced with my then BF later DH that we are planning to get engaged - we both finished uni, had good jobs and a place to live, my parents laughed it of as some sort of joke. Created multiple obstacles and even said 'if you get married and have children do not expect us to help out' So I didnt. I did not expect and I did not have. We moved abroad and thats it. I think it was very powerful unsupportive statement from them that shaped a lot of my future thinking even if subconsciously.

Will you inherit from her and do you need the money? If not, tell her to F off.

I don't understand why you answer the phone. You've written several posts about how unreasonable your mother is, and I agree with you.

But you can just choose not to answer your phone. Why don't you do this? Why let her control you like this?
It's bringing nothing positive to your life.

So what? Maybe this is oP’s last resort.what you would do isn’t relevant.

@activeocean I would imagine you could write a novel about your mother’s unreasonable behaviour. But you literally cannot change it. No-one on this thread can. What you are describing are interactions she has with you. What you can change, the only thing you have full control over in the interactions, is what you do. Rewrite that novel and rewrite what you should do differently in your interactions with your mother and do that. In nearly every abusive dynamic out there it is the victim who has to say stop. The abuser is actually getting their needs met by the dynamic, they get control, they get attention etc it is always the victim who needs to change the dynamic. That is just the nature of abusive relationships.

@activeocean you can choose either to block your mother's number, or simply not you answer when she rings you.

I know what I'd do.

My DM used to be anxious if I went on a long haul holiday as she got older - I found that a quick text and photo when I arrived was all she needed to assuage her anxiety. No drama needed.

If you were happier for the seven years you were no contact, just go no contact again.

I have a relative very similar to this and I know how they operate, suck you in, get under your skin, control you, abuse you, push your buttons. So I will say that I think blocking their number will ramp up their behaviour and create a backlash where they will try and involve other people again like OP’s mum did by phoning her friend. They control through others if they can’t do it themselves. In my situation I have managed to calm it a bit by lying. Invent a full time job/multiple holidays in places with no phone signal/a health problem/a temporary change of address. In my experience, lying can work better with people like this because if they can’t see through the lie then they don’t have that panic with the loss of control and the ramping up of abusive behaviour.

Also OP, I really recommend chatgpt for “therapy” between therapy sessions. It’s good for practical advice, setting boundaries, helping you with what to say.

Have you tried reducing contact even further or even going 'no contact'? She was a poor parent when you were younger and only brings you anxiety and stress now. Imagine the peace if you don't need to speak to her any more. She is completely self-centred and doesn't seem to care for you at all except as someone she can control and have at her beck and call. She sounds utterly exhausting.

Great idea! 🤩

@activeocean
my advice would be to be proactive in keeping your mother’s expectations at bay.
She seems to have unrealistic ideas, not only about how difficult things are, but also how much help would be required, for example the selling of her house etc.
You won’t be overseeing selling her house, but instead of saying no in an outright fashion, which can often encourage her to carry on “working on you” emotionally, give a reason why it wouldn’t be feasible that is out of your hands. I would say work commitments etc.
The same goes for things like this holiday. A message to say that all is fine but poor reception where you are, would have prevented the phone call.
Hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

She wanted to know if you had arrived safely.
Being 84 is shit. You no longer work, most people you know are dead or dementia ridden. If you don't drive or can't access public transport, your home becomes your whole world. She is likely lonely and whilst I realise that it is not the OPs job to keep her mother entertained, she probably made that call for contact and reassurance.

Hi op I wouldnt block her would prob send one text leave it at that. My mother very draining aswell I explained Im due a rest and I wont be on my phone much while away.... This age group are quite demanding. She suddenly had all these ailments when my sis went on hols.. 80s

Please stop saying I could send her a text message. Please read my posts. My DM hasnt got a mobile phone and an email.

I set a very clear boundary - I will call once I arrive and settled. My boundary yet again was not respected by her.

PP saying she is probably lonely, worried, home bound. I was beaten up daily as a child and today at 50 still dont know why. What about how I feel/ felt? The impact it had? What about my loneliness? What about my illnesses?

That whole twisted rhetoric always sets me off. Sorry.

Aim of my post was to find understanding and compassion for how I am made to feel. How my boundaries are not respected. Not how I need to understand her needs. No. This post is about my needs.

There are many responses focussed on you in this situation @activeocean you are drawn to the posters who are chastising you or telling you to understand your mother because that it what you have been set up to do all your life. It is literally in your programming but for the many other posters responding the goal here is to get you to realise you don’t have to put up with this anymore. Your mother has made her own bed, she should not be doing this stuff to you but you need to be the knight in shining armour for yourself and stop your part in the dynamics. It is absolutely horrible for you and you can feel you pain in your last post from your mistreatment.

@Plethorapeach you are right. thank you. v wise observation.

Mine is similar and a decade younger. I am DREADING what she will be like in her 80s.

Jealousy, bitterness, bitches about her immediate family, everything is ‘woe is me’ and it’s utterly exhausting. I’m not sure what to suggest OP as I haven’t found a good way to deal with it. I feel angry a lot of the time at her behaviour. More recently I’ve tried to keep Information sharing to the bare minimum which helps a bit. But she never fails to surprise me with her cutting comments.

You were no contact for seven years so you can do this again and make it permanent this time.

If she was the one who beat you daily as a chlid or she either supported the person who did it or turned a blind eye, she doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you. You should feel no guilt, as she certainly doesn;t.

Out of interest why do you answer the phone to her? It takes two people to keep the dynamic of a relationship going. You could choose to drop the rope (as you have done before). It’s worth asking yourself what you get out of engaging with her.