DM 84 calls me when I am away half the world with grievances, no boundaries

[activeocean]

DM knew I am going away and I told her I will call her if possible but may equally not to so I will speak to her when I am back. She was ok about it. Holiday far away, different time zone and I am on day two trying to relax. She calls me and literally first sentence is a grievance as for why I did not call, have we landed because she doesnt know, why I did not call her. Due respect if I am picking up the call means I am alive, I explained to her that I did not have a chance to get my head around it all plus there is a differnt timezone, she just hangs up. In my fantasy land I expect her to call and say ' hello I know you said you will call but I thougth I do, how are you, hope all is well' No no no she has to ruin it. All my life instead of nearly 50 I am permanently 11yo. I moved abroad 25 years ago to be away from her control and yet she still does it. I have been told here to set boundaries and I did - do not call her so often but she decides to call me herself and be unpleasant. I regularly recieve 'stories' from her about other children of her friends who take those friends on holidays etc and it is a dig at me because I dont. No matter how hard I try to set my boundaries, how far I go away on holiday or simply run away she always manages to ruin it for me. I do not know how to firmly tell her. I do not plan to call her from holiday, she knows I am alive and that should be enough. She is controlling, dramatic and nosey. She says things like 'I know you better than anyone else' - for record for past 25 years sees me 1-2 a year and we were NC for 7years. I am after 2 divorces and in therapy so all is connected. I understand they do it out of fear but fgs I can not take responsbility for her fears.

You need to take control - don’t answer the phone. If she calls message saying can’t speak right now but all is fine. Rather than say you might call be clear you are not able to call to set expectations. Hope you can relax and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Why are you attacking the op?

She’s trying to discuss an obviously complicated relationship.

we become children again in the face of our parents

I wonder if therapy could focus on ways to stop you giving her that power? There is already a lot of distance between you and you can’t control how she thinks so this isn’t about getting her to be reasonable or seeing her less.

something in you needs to shift such that you adjust your expectation that she will ever respect you, your boundaries, that you stop thinking she will ever listen (this is not about clarity of your message - you were very clear)

with age too I think people’s difficult characteristics are even more heightened.

so as I said, what needs to shift in you that means you’ll care less, expect less and ignore/be less affected by the transgressions?

You could have made that point in a supportive way.

text : Dear Mother, I am not 11 years old. I am 50. Stop treating me as a child, stop bullying me, haranguing me and so on. I’m on holiday. Leave me alone I need a much needed break from you. I will not be in touch whilst I am holiday so please leave me in peace.

send it or email it and then block her.

sounds like NC is the only way forward! You’ve been there.

Does she have a smartphone? My DM still gets anxious when I travel (I'm older than you) but I have found a quick text to say we've arrived does head off her anxiety and she doesn't bother me after that. We have a tricky relationship but it sounds as though yours is worse. Would a quick text on arrival and then declining calls help? My issue is that I worry that the one time I don't pick up there will be a genuine emergency (boy that cried wolf) but I am getting better at ignoring them now on the basis that if there's a genuine emergency she will also contact DB who will then contact me.

Mum, sorry, the reception here is very patchy. I’ll be out of contact now until I get back xx

I should add that for a long time I fetl I ought to be able to travel without being in contact like we did pre smartphone days but the quick text on arrival has proved to be a compromise worth making.

She can only hound you if you let her. It is that simple. She rings, you have the choice to pick up and be hounded or let it ring out. You could text her back saying “I’ll call you xx”, “You could tell her to text you and let you know if it is an emergency and you will ring and only speak about the emergency. There are lots of different options to you picking up and listening to her whining at you. You could say,”I’m on holiday, don’t ring me to moan I’ll speak to you when I get back.”

Hell worst case you have the choice to block her calls again if necessary. @activeocean I understand the pain, I promise I do but you have to take responsibility for your part in this or nothing changes. She can only be the way she is because you are being the way you are towards her. Change what you are doing, change your part in the dynamics and she cannot do it anymore.

I’d add - my mother is like this. The only thing that works is minimising the info you give and setting the parameters. So in my case I don’t tell her where / when I am travelling / switching jobs / whatever big thing because otherwise it’ll bring on a slew of messages, and if she starts being difficult I will say something to the effect that I am now doing X and will be in touch after Y.

It’s not the lovely warm relationship that I wanted but it’s the only way with these types.

Recently we had her trying to send the kids a gift but getting our address wrong, so the parcel was in some Parcelforce purgatory. Cue daily messages about what I was doing to find it etc. What I didn’t say was, “Mum, as I write this I am waiting in a&e with Bob, and we are supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow but it’s all unraveling. I can’t do this now”. Instead “Thanks! I’ve got their phone number. I’ll try ringing them on Monday, and I’ll message you if there is any news.”

Don’t answer her calls. I have my mother set to a specific ringtone and I frequently don’t answer. I keep it to WhatsApp and don’t tell her anything significant.

yep, block her number for the duration of your holiday

She's asking for help, it's not as easy as you are suggesting. Op, others have stated the obvious which isn't always obvious in the midst of it, you can't change her behaviour only yours, so don't answer. It will feel wrong and terrifying but you can do it.

It doesn't matter why she does it, just that she does it and it spoils your holiday.

What a foolish post - would you say the same to a woman being abused by a bloke she keeps going back to - well yes probably you would. She's hard wired to seek approval from her mother, op cannot rationalise that she is an adult and can ignore her.

If it was that obvious she would have done it wouldn't she. Please don't come on these threads saying stuff like this.

Block her number just whilst you're on holiday, then you can unblock once back home.
You've told her you're alive. Now block.
She won't know you've blocked her.
I do this with my mother every time I go on holiday because of the same reasons and it's liberating.
It also ensures I mentally relax.

Hi, OP, I'm in a similar situation, narcissistic abusive elderly mother in another country (moved away 20 years ago).
Emotionally disconnected in childhood.
IGNORE.
Live your life.

Try logicking yourself. Works with me when I get caught up in a strong emotional response and am feeling trapped.

1. You’re in a different time zone.
2. If an emergency were to arise, there’s nothing you could do from where you’re currently at
3. Even IF you could give verbal consent in a medical emergency, it would be a hospital calling.
4. Ergo, there is no reason your mother needs to be able to contact you while you’re away
5. Her continued access to you on vacation would ruin your trip, wasting time and money, causing resentment and further damaging the relationship
6. Blocking her number is not only a logical and reasonable thing to do, but the best thing for the relationship as well.

Block her, enjoy your trip, and at a much later date, reassess if having her in your life is worth it.

If you normally only see her once or twice a year, is there any need to tell her you are going away at all?

My mother is under the impression that my phone doesn't work while I am abroad. I think you could / should send her a message to say signal is really patchy, you'll be in touch when you are back. Then just ignore. I feel you: many of the same issues.

Blocking someone’s number is an absolute last resort. Personally I think it’s really rude and deeply hurtful. Just don’t answer the calls.

My mum did something like this when I was in America. Pre mobiles, thankfully, so she couldn’t contact me, but my plans had changed so I thought I should let her know I wasn’t going to be where she thought I would be. (Not entirely sure why, obviously used to her knowing everything about me at the time.)

So I ring to tell her what’s happening, she doesn’t really say much about that but then started on about how difficult things were with her mother. I really, really, didn’t want to know. I was trying to have fun and get away from it all for two weeks and she couldn’t let me. Shouldn’t have rung her.

As others have said, block her number. Send her a text in a few days saying you have little signal but are still alive and then get on having a rest.

How can it be hurtful? The person who is blocked doesn't know they are blocked.