DM 84 calls me when I am away half the world with grievances, no boundaries

[activeocean]

DM knew I am going away and I told her I will call her if possible but may equally not to so I will speak to her when I am back. She was ok about it. Holiday far away, different time zone and I am on day two trying to relax. She calls me and literally first sentence is a grievance as for why I did not call, have we landed because she doesnt know, why I did not call her. Due respect if I am picking up the call means I am alive, I explained to her that I did not have a chance to get my head around it all plus there is a differnt timezone, she just hangs up. In my fantasy land I expect her to call and say ' hello I know you said you will call but I thougth I do, how are you, hope all is well' No no no she has to ruin it. All my life instead of nearly 50 I am permanently 11yo. I moved abroad 25 years ago to be away from her control and yet she still does it. I have been told here to set boundaries and I did - do not call her so often but she decides to call me herself and be unpleasant. I regularly recieve 'stories' from her about other children of her friends who take those friends on holidays etc and it is a dig at me because I dont. No matter how hard I try to set my boundaries, how far I go away on holiday or simply run away she always manages to ruin it for me. I do not know how to firmly tell her. I do not plan to call her from holiday, she knows I am alive and that should be enough. She is controlling, dramatic and nosey. She says things like 'I know you better than anyone else' - for record for past 25 years sees me 1-2 a year and we were NC for 7years. I am after 2 divorces and in therapy so all is connected. I understand they do it out of fear but fgs I can not take responsbility for her fears.

Yup, take control. Give her number a specific ring tone. Only answer if you want to, or if it’s an agreed call. Either ignore texts, or send can’t talk now, will get back to you type texts, on repeat. Dont tell her anything important. It’s not about you anyway, it’s about control. I’m sorry she’s like that but she won’t change, so you need to decide what you will accept. You went NC before - always an option again..

What a nasty post!

This is a place to discuss things. Seems like you are the one wasting time because clearly you are in the wrong place.

Unless you are one of those sad people who enjoy being needlessly rude to strangers?

OP I would remind her of the old adage
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

It blocks WhatsApp as well doesn’t it? So if she uses that she will know.

Massive sympathy. Every time I go away and I want some undisturbed peace and relaxation I get in a knot about how to let my mum know (she’s jealous) and how to manage her not invading my space and ruining my holiday (she has no boundaries). I don’t have an answer beyond recognising what her behaviours mean about her and “filing” that away and picking out the positive reflection
. e.g. She didn’t call because she was worried or excited for me, she called because she has lost her grip with the enmeshment. Breaking out of an enmeshed family is a good thing, recognising that’s what you are doing is empowering.
Have a lovely holiday.

Just block her number for the duration of the holiday or you wont get any holiday.

She sounds unpleasant, but could you not switch to texting? A quick “hi, I’ve landed” takes 3 seconds and it ticks the box, she can’t say anything to you then.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she still worries when I travel - a quick “landed” text that takes a few seconds while I’m getting off the plane and it’s all covered.

Really??

Some of these posts are just unbelievable.

Block your elderly , 84 year old MOTHER??

Nah.

I would send a message saying arrived okay and that you're switching your phone off in order to have a proper break. Then block her number for the duration of the holiday.

Too late for that message now so send something similar that's not inflammatory, but says you're away and not contactable. Makes me grateful my elderly parents aren't like this at all!

Not all elderly mothers you want or need to be in regular contact with.

Get ahead of the game next time (and for the rest of the holiday). Message her when you arrive, to let her know all is well. Give an indication as to when you might call (eg “on Wednesday”) and send a couple of photos in the meantime (and if your mother doesn’t do smartphones, perhaps send to a family member who can show her.

takes only a few minutes of your time, helps keep her at ease. Not sure why anyone would suggest that by not taking. A few minutes it’s better to leave an elderly person feeling worried.

yes I appreciate it can be a bit irritating but a few minutes is not a biggie. You can not answer in the meantime if you feel that way, but if you got in first with “we’ve arrived, had a good flight and the hotel looks lovely - will [call/drop a message] in xxx days. Mary is around if you need anything, take care “

It is hardly controversial for an adult to know that some people are abused by their mothers, is it? It is also not controversial to suggest that adults know that abuse can be emotional and psychological, is it?

Lots of “ is it’s “ in your post 😬🫢

I get that but two sides to every story as they say.

I know some parents can be very unpleasant.

I jam allowed to find it a bit uncomfortable to suggest someone blocks an elderly parent aged 84 on their phone. For all manner of reasons.

Am not jam 😂

These threads always end up with arguments between people who are blessed not to have grown up with emotional abuse or neglect and enmeshment, and those who have. No one is wrong, we are all just using our own lived experiences in how we respond.
However, the OP has had a strong emotional reaction to something and her feelings are valid. I think that’s all she’s asking for here, a couple of people to say that they hear her.

All my life instead of nearly 50 I am permanently 11yo.

I think many, many people can identify with that, I know I used to. It's such an ingrained unconscious reaction to regress to the child/mother dynamic (or both sides) but you CAN rewrite those old rules so that you can have a relationship of equals.

You are allowed to say exactly what you think and feel but I just saw you trying to shame the suggestion of cutting off an abusive parent.

It’s not abuse really. It’s an elderly, anxious and out of control woman who happens to be the OPs mother. I think blocking is for really extreme situations or strangers.

This is a long standing issue for the OP long before her mother was elderly she says so in the original post. They were NC for 7 years. It is abusive to do this to another person, taking up all of the emotional space in any relationship is abusive.

People can do that at any age it does not just happen because a person is elderly, arguably getting more vulnerable through aging exasperates some very ingrained behaviour in some people, but being abusive is a long standing pattern of behaviour.

There’s clearly a lot of backstory eg NC for 7 years. Sometimes you just want to be on holiday and not deal with BS…..

Mine now has carers. I know she will be checked on morning and night. That empowers me to take a step back.

I still have to phone every day though. And listen to the exact same boring shite which is the same thing Ive head for the past decade. “Did you know that Mrs smiths daughter said blah blah” “yes mum i remember. It was during lockdown, we discussed it last week and on Saturday ….”

But now on holiday i tell her what day i will phone so I get peace. Write it in a calendar. Every third or fourth day seems fine. Just for five mins. Set a timer on your watch so the beep beep is audible down the line “that’s me mum got to go phone you xx day. Love you bye”. If she starts trying to continue the convo hang up.

My mother is like this- I especially related to the 'I know you better than anyone' statement which incenses me as she has no idea who I am or ever has. It makes me so upset. She's nosey, disapproving and controls by guilt. She's done it forever.
I eventually got to the point where I told her before I went away I wouldn't be contacting her and she'd see me when I get back. If it was an emergency she'd need to leave a voicemail. Then just not answer my phone.
She'd do a whole guilt drama thing and start scolding me but I learnt to say 'I'm not going to listen to this' and put the phone down. It worked more or less.

She spoilt so many of my holidays and weekends away by trying to insert herself into the middle of my time off I just had enough about 5 years ago. Shes 85.
Thing is I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be that upset if something happened to me- she would be the centre of attention.

My dad used to do this to me if I was on holiday. He absolutely resented any holidays I took. It was alright for him to travel in his younger years, but in his eyes it wasn’t alright for me, and he seemed jealous about it. I started to just lie to him and constantly say my phone was out of signal. Don’t answer the call when they phone, then text back and say the signal is really bad so you can only text or WhatsApp. Then repeat, repeat, repeat. The more they push the boundaries, just push back. Repeat.

Agree!
And op I hear you. I’m 60 and have had a difficult relationship with both overbearing argumentative parents (now just the one) all my life. The phone ringing from their number gives me a lurching edgy angry feeling even now. Maybe I shouldn’t answer (it’s what I’d probably tell anyone else) but somehow I always do. Then spend the time afterwards uptight about it all. Maybe others see it as counterproductive writing or saying how you feel but it helps some of us to say aloud what you can never say to them.