Complete refusal to use technology

[Senttotestus]

My mum is 79 & a completely technophobic
In her mid 50s she resigned from her job as a Drs receptionist because they introduced computers. She worked for a few more years on a helpline then retired at 60
She has never sent a text message or WhatsApp
She has never sent an email
She cannot google anything
She has never purchased or booked anything online

A man from a tech charity for the elderly spent 2 sessions with her with no improvement

Over covid I told her she must learn to FaceTime & she has £1k worth of iPad for this purpose, she can also log onto her Halifax app to look at her balance - she cannot make any payments.

i do all her online banking, food shopping &
booking of appointments, she eagerly gives out my email address as if I am her PA

She has just rung to see where her Waitrose delivery is & she was unable to open the Waitrose app on her iPad - ITS 3 CLICKS - she presses everything with such force that most times the IPad thinks she is trying to move the apps around

I am accepting of this most days but today it just feels wilful that she has rejected all technology for over 20 years and thinks it’s acceptable to shrug and get me to do everything , laughing at any suggestion that she should be able to do some of these very basic things.

Rant over - deep breaths!! Anyone else in a similar position?

I feel your pain, but not the specific ‘can’t do it/won’t do it’ aspect as my DM has always been keen to learn since her early 70’s - she loved learning to take and organise photos mainly, but also wanted to keep up with the family and realises if she hadn’t done this, she can’t involve herself in conversations, so took herself off to iPad classes and still goes (86)! Dad, on the other hand, was way more academic, but retired just as technology took hold. Had no interest in learning about it as he’d rather have been on the golf course, and imho, classed DM as his secretary and filing cabinet, that he always had at work 🤣
Personally I wouldn’t refuse the food shopping OP, but I’d have a serious chat about the pressure it’s putting on you and explain that the laughing is infuriating. The deal could be;
I’ll order it, but if it hasn’t arrived, YOU have to chase it up (as I haven’t got time to make the phone calls).

I think sitting with her and doing it together might work better. Then gradually reducing input

There is an article on the Daily Mail today about ‘elderly people not coping with modern technology’ featuring a picture of a woman aged about 45 and despairing man about 55.
Coincidence maybe

There also seems to be a group of people who, at about 70, thought, 'I'll be dead soon, so what's the point?' and never learned. Now they're 85 or 90 or 95, they find it harder than ever to learn new things, are losing vision or dexterity, and are still thinking, 'Well, I'll be dead soon, so what's the point?'

I think my aunt is in this category. She expected not to last beyond 80 (saying, at 65, 'What a shame I'll never see your baby grow up, Edith!' Baby now approx 30 and aunt still going.) She is a complete technophobe, her upper limit is the TV remote. She has limited her life so much: my DC would cheerfully send her texts and photos, she could online things rather than insisting that my cousin takes her to the shops. She likes music, she'd love Spotify....

If you're 80, you could have another 15 years in you. Get a bloody mobile and learn to use it.

There’s a personality and attitude problem though- we all know that tech can be frustrating. Google forcing you to sign in, various apps uninstalling themselves. Masses of passwords.

If you are not a patient person, and perhaps have additional barriers like numb/cold fingers or reduced eyesight, it’s nigh on impossible.

Years ago I was shocked to realise my ten yr old ‘saw’ far more than me on the screen. He was able to spot and process things during games that I couldn’t see even when he pointed them out.

Now, DM can’t see the little crosses in the corner to get rid of pop ups, or the save/submit button at the bottom corner. She simply doesn’t have the breadth of field or the patience to look.

It’s a frickin’ nightmare, from a distance.

You both need to be patient to sort it out.

My dh is only 68 and refuses to have a smartphone.
He can't get into our banking apps.
Refuses to learn.
Then he accuses me of being on my phone all the time.
It causes terrible rows.

The annoying thing is he does all our tax returns on his laptop.
He's perfectly capable.

All the shops that would deliver to my DM have a €40 minimum.

She eats about €15 worth of food a week and wouldn't need the bulky detergent or loo roll weekly.

I only hope that current "middle aged" people lose the attitude and get on board with tech now, i.e. parking apps, online banking, online shopping, etc., otherwise they'll likewise struggle as more and more stuff goes app/online only which is clearly what is going to happen.

What attitude? Are you meaning the elderly because I think you'll find the majority of middle aged people grew up with tech from at least their mid 20's. I don't know anyone in my age group who isn't tech savvy.

If you have Amazon prime you can order literally anything for next day delivery. You can also order groceries from various supermarkets through Amazon prime and the minimum is usually £15 which buys you about 3 things these days.

My mother was like this. I think we may have been the last family I know to get a proper washing machine because my mother didn't want to get to grips with how to use one - though she managed fine when my Dad retired and insisted they get one. I always felt it was such a pity that she wouldn't use computers, because the reality is if she had she would have really enjoyed things like nosing at houses for sale and proclaiming her views on social media.

It didn't really affect her in day to day life. Unfortunately by the time it would really have benefited her, after my father's death, I think she was genuinely unable to use it because she had a stroke not long afterwards that left her with very little understanding of numbers and, though she wouldn't admit it, really struggling to read. Maybe she had already been familiar with IT we could have got round that, given all the programmes that are available for people with learning disabilities etc, but she just didn't have the will to do it.

In your case, OP, it may be worth considering whether there is possibly an element of demential creeping in if your mother isn't even taking in basic instructions like "You don't need to bash the iPad screen".

Exactly and us middle aged or older people had to deal with tech in its infancy when nothing was as user friendly as it is these days. Things that take moments now used to take ages in the ‘ol days. Even something a straightforward as setting up a new home network would be a right pain and take ages.

I agree. It's so easy now. I keep expecting glitches because it used to be the norm.
It's dangerously easy to buy things online now!

Can he not use the bank website version of the bank accounts on his laptop. I much prefer the big screen iMac version to the iPad app version as it seems to have more on it and easier to look at all the accounts. I don't bother banking on the iPhone at all.

i think dm would struggle

I think Iceland is a low amount for online delivery

i think my dm prefers my company rather than the food delivery people

I wholeheartedly agree too. I also believe there is a type of 'compassion fatigue that starts to creep in'. I adored my late DF, but after 7 yrs of Parkinsons and other degenerative illnesses, I was relieved when he eventually died-he had wanted to 'go' many times. The whole 'experience' was made ten times worse, by DMs insistence on us (me and sibling) performing his caring duties with the same devotion as her (she logged every conversation, time, date, medication (fair enough), sleeps, awakenings, dear God, it was painful. And expected us to hold his penis for a wee and wipe his bum after a poo - lowering him onto the toilet was agony for me with a back problem, but she just spouted the immortal line from that generation "you've just got to get on with it". I have secretly not forgiven her for that, and never will. At the end of the day, he was my dad, not my husband and I didn't want to do those things. Yes, she did a wonderful job (her choice) but my lasting memories are ruined by all of that. There is more.... but I am damned if my own DC are going to be put through it on my behalf. Apologies for taking the thread sideways but this touched a nerve.

Not knowing the Daily Hate. I think half of their Journos just sit on MN all day,

So you do what my MIL did and get it every 2 weeks and include uht milk etc, good use of your freezer

My dad is 72 and refuses a smart phone but fully embraces other tech. Except a dishwasher. Never convinced them there. DM uses WhatsApp etc, but not always perfectly on calls - video calls since COVID to keep up with DS.
However, the idea of just having a train ticket in your phone is also one step too far for DM.

I'm in my 60s and I remember people crying and handing in their notice when computers came in in the NHS. It was really embarrassing. It was all women too. We all had extensive training and it was gradual so not difficult. My parents are 85 and manage just fine.

Yes, not just the nhs, back in the 90s my job involved computerisation of various clients bookkeeping, stock control and invoicing etc and we saw a lot of staff leave rather than learn the new systems, not just older staff but middle aged too - there was no reasoning with them, they just wanted to hang on to their old, inefficient, systems. More recently, I’ve had clients who actually gave up self employment and sold/closed businesses when HMRC brought in rules that payroll and vat returns had to be done by computer rather than pen and paper. And the furore from some when they found out they couldn’t pay their tax bills by cheque was unbelievable. Still have a couple of clients, not particularly old, who insist on paying my fees by cheque - a real pain in the arse when everyone else pays electronically having to keep a business bank count that accepts cheques as many modern ones don’t!

I will say that at 56 I’ve seen quite a lot of tech that was supposed to become essential disappear or settle into a niche slot, and I am very definitely not an early adopter as a result. So I can imagine a version of that just extending longer than I expected - time just slips away at this age. An example currently being AI glasses - I have zero interest in adopting these and am just hoping that they won’t become the new smartphone, but some companies are betting hard on them now that the smartphone market is so saturated. For me personally I am also avoiding earbuds as I lose things like other people breathe. At the moment it’s still possible to buy wired headphones but I can imagine sending my poor ds round the shops/eBay trying to find wired headphones for years while I refuse to use earbuds helpfully given to me for Christmas because my old fingers just drop them and I lose them expensively in hospital.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and I'm appalled at the sort of intimate care that your mum expected you to do for him. No daughter should have to do what she made you do and her expectations were completely inappropriate. She has tainted your memories of your dad. I would find that impossible to forgive.

I won’t use e-tickets for train travel again. But that’s after getting caught out with delayed journey and battery running very low. Plus it’s a pain switching between e-ticket and showing the railcard on my phone.
It’s easy enough to still get paper tickets though. Not like other functions like banking and paying bills where increasingly everything is online.