Complete refusal to use technology

[Senttotestus]

My mum is 79 & a completely technophobic
In her mid 50s she resigned from her job as a Drs receptionist because they introduced computers. She worked for a few more years on a helpline then retired at 60
She has never sent a text message or WhatsApp
She has never sent an email
She cannot google anything
She has never purchased or booked anything online

A man from a tech charity for the elderly spent 2 sessions with her with no improvement

Over covid I told her she must learn to FaceTime & she has £1k worth of iPad for this purpose, she can also log onto her Halifax app to look at her balance - she cannot make any payments.

i do all her online banking, food shopping &
booking of appointments, she eagerly gives out my email address as if I am her PA

She has just rung to see where her Waitrose delivery is & she was unable to open the Waitrose app on her iPad - ITS 3 CLICKS - she presses everything with such force that most times the IPad thinks she is trying to move the apps around

I am accepting of this most days but today it just feels wilful that she has rejected all technology for over 20 years and thinks it’s acceptable to shrug and get me to do everything , laughing at any suggestion that she should be able to do some of these very basic things.

Rant over - deep breaths!! Anyone else in a similar position?

You had me at 1k of iPad.why would you risk so much coin on something she wouldn't use? You could have bought a tablet for £120
However, stop doing stuff for her, she will either get with the project or have to go back to phoning folk!

There was definitely not the £300 option available when the iPad was purchased. But the cost completely misses the point

She already has a brick mobile phone for calls & wont switch and it is so hard to help her use a gadget that no one else uses -

Ar least with an IPad everyone tries to help her

I'd give her a break tbh, it's really difficult for some people. I think if you never really used computers it's difficult to get your head around. My mum has tried really hard, but I do most things for her

My parents are the same age and both use tech, it’s not an age, it’s a mindset. My mum had to learn for work 30 years ago and my dad thankfully got us an early pc for our house long before they were common, in the 80’s - getting them off their iPads is hard!

my dm doesnt have internet
she gets annoyed about how so many things are on line.
why waste your dm's time with internet?

You made a point of it in the OP though. I bought an iPad Pro in 2021 and it was under £750, to have spent £1k it must have been one of the top end ones with large storage. Why would you buy that for an elderly person, unless you aren't tech savvy yourself

Maybe it was £750 - you are fixated on the wrong detail

I honestly expected this to be the general view - naturally it’s the option I have chosen so far

I am still shocked so many people suggest I stop ordering her food for her !

Yeah my mum is the same. She's 89 today and was widowed in 2017. Dad used to do little bits on the laptop but she never touched it. Today she has the most basic mobile phone possible which she only ever uses to phone me, my brother or a cab company. Despite trying to show her multiple times, she cannot text. It's too basic to have WhatsApp or apps and it would be pointless anyway. She doesn't know how to top it up or delete the confirmations from the cab company, so I have to help when her inbox is full.

She moans occasionally that my dad never used to show her how to use the laptop, but she refuses to learn with us so I can understand why he never tried. She's never sent an email, wouldn't have a clue how to access online banking, has never paid for anything online. The other day she was asking whether there were any shops she could go to to buy her tv licence. I said why don't you phone them and pay over the phone? Nope, can't do that. I ended up buying it online and she gave me the cash for it.

Her only progress is having a tablet which she has learned to use basic functions on. She watches You Tube and BBC iPlayer. I've shown her repeatedly how to Google different shops and browse products but she still can't do that independently. She also never updates the software so after a while things stop working and I have to sort it out.

I do believe part of it is pure stubbornness. If she goes to the supermarket she refuses to use the self service tills and if she's directed to one she will insist the person overseeing them scans her shopping for her. Drives me nuts.

i guess it is her way of having contact with you, dont rob her of your presence

Could you share the responsibility with your children? Would she be able to call them to ask them to do something like that for her? I feel your frustration though! My son had a job in a cool centre when the switch over to digital from analog TVs was going on. He had to lay in a dark room after those conversations with elderly people!Some of them hadn't even turned the TV on at the wall, not that they told him that until the last minute.

I should say she can text, and she tries to google things but most of it is really difficult. She even tried to take classes, she genuinely has tried and doesn't want to be a burden. My Dad tried too, but he's even worse. It's a pain, but unfortunately technology has really displaced older people, I feel sorry for those who have no one to help. Even I'm starting to feel overwhelmed how you need an app for every friggin thing. My parents were great parents, of course I'll do what I can.

I have really benefited from this thread I think we will have another go using a stylus & setting her iPad up with the accessibility settings - that’s great advice

Currently if something happens to me she has no way to order herself any food - that is a worry

Because she is disabled it means my kids, husband and I already do LOADS for her - which is fair enough she can’t do physical things herself - the lack of interest/refusal to use the iPad feels different

My DM is similar. She can text but that’s about it. She did go to a few computer classes in her 60s but couldn’t seem to get to grips with it. She is a very intelligent lady - was a doctor- but can be very stubborn. DF still emails and does online Morrisons order age 91, but can’t learn anything new - I tried to teach him how to Zoom during lockdown and it was impossible. DH and I can see that in the not too distant future, he will have forgotten how to order and that’s ok as we have a rough idea what they eat. TBH by the time that occurs, food orders will be one of a. pressing list of needs.

Honestly OP, I would give up and focus your efforts on outsourcing the time consuming stuff like the laundry. Think of it this way, currently you spend 10 minutes a week doing her grocery order. You could spend many hours teaching her how to do her own, without it sticking and then her sight and memory may degenerate anyway. Get in some ambient meals just in case you are unavailable for any reason to do the order.

The best thing I did was get a card for DPs accounts well before we needed to use it. I have POA and it takes a Long Time at the bank to sort it out. But thankfully they have the same current account provider as me so I can order and pay for what they need online. DF still enjoys driving to the bank to pay bills ( the driving is a whole other story) but when the time comes I will stick those on the account as well.

Well done OP, it’s a hard relentless slog and I have only been doing it for a few months.

This is my experience too. My DM has one GS ( my son) and a baby GGS, but will not use any kind of technology to keep in touch with them ( they live 3-4 hours away).
Yes, it’s bewildering, and hurtful.
Yet she’s a whizz regarding anything to do with her TV, because she watches it all day.
It’s quite comforting to hear about other people having the same issues.

My parents didn't use any technology, other than DF being able to text, and it didn't bother me in the slightest. They've done plenty of stuff for me over the years, I was more than happy to return the favour.

Maybe some of you might have some empathy when you find yourself old and technology has changed so fast you can't keep up.

My grandfather lived to 97 and had his own FB account (with his great grandchildren as friends), used WhatsApp, did online shopping...

My dad is 75 and completely up to date with tech and how to use it.

My 73 yr old mum on the other hand (they're divorced) is a very reluctant tech user and really suffers from her own stubbornness. She has finally agreed to get a smartphone but refuses to download any apps at all and has disabled notifications because she finds them "intrusive". Her relationship with her grandchildren, and even tbh her DC, is poorer for it. She wants regular phone calls and for us to email her photos so she can look at them when she fires up her aged desktop computer - she won't use any other messaging app. She's always days behind with conversations because of this - it's not always possible to ring her up to tell her some small pieces of news but a quick WhatsApp would have been so simple if she would only bloody use it. She won't use online banking or pay for anything online because she is so suspicious of how it works, but then wants us to do it for her instead. It's very wearing. I dread answering the phone to her because it's usually yet another request to order something!

Tbh there are so many scams that shes probably quite sensible.

If your dad is tech savvy why isnt he helping her and doing the communication?

I'm in my 70s and hate the internet. I have been forced into using it. I completely understand people refusing can't/ won't engage with it. My partner is even worse. Older people and people with LD and/ or MH issues are still people who need extra help, what is wrong with that. Ok if you don't want to, but you need to look for alternatives, maybe paying someone else to do their online shopping?

I don't actually think these posters would let there parents struggle it is just their parents are capable of x y z so not at that stage, either that or just don't care which is sad really, I do think you need to rethink the iPad though, she isn't managing and forcing the point is only making everyone frustrated .

Don't use it then [shrug]

But don't expect other people to do it for you. It's not a difficult thing to learn to use. It doesn't require a lot of skill or knowledge and can be done without leaving a comfy chair so mobility is not an issue.

There's really no reason other than "I don't want to" for people to not learn basic internet skills, and that's fine, it's their choice, but it comes with a responsibility to find their own alternatives not just heap unnecessary work on those close to them!

This behaviour drives me up the wall! Even the incentive of being able to see and communicate with the gc doesn’t work. It should all be mediated by me getting photos developed and then posting them! And bringing the gc to visit her.
Unsurprisngly the few gc that are now adult barely have any relationship with her as she couldn’t be bothered to put in a bit of effort at a relatively young age to stay in touch with them.

OP, of she has a microwave and freezer, M&S do ready meals, as do Waitrose and specialist companies deliver frozen meals, you could stockher up so she won’t starve,
then if she has room, bulk buy tins of soup, toilet paper, toiletries, etc.,then take her packs of prepared fruit and veg and salads.

The reluctance to use technlogy I realise is frustrating. Men find technology easier to work with, as do small chidren! women who have relied on husbands or sons for ‘that sort of thing’ have an inbuilt reluctance, it isn’t just your mum.
It’s a great shame councils ended theHome Help service(why) who would bring bits of shopping, fetch prescriptions, cook simple repasts, basic housework and the
Meals on Wheels.

There is a milkman service too, my neighbour has it, leaves bread, juice, eggs,

How would she manage if you lived in France for eg.
There is an element of cling, as has been cited here already.

Perhaps you could pose this question over on Gransnet, for more experienced
opinions, this cannot be a new phenomenon.

My dad is 85 and texts, emails, books stuff online, can FaceTime etc

I'm 60 and I'm happy with pretty much all tech, use computers etc.
But I've never owned or used a microwave in my life - just never seen the need to have something taking up space and gathering dust! I would be able to use one if I wanted to, but it's just a personal choice issue.

But, yes, we all need to keep on top of this stuff, and many of us don't have younger people to help us. So it's adapt or die!