Possibly relationships- but definitely because of Elderly parents

[BlueLegume]

Rough few years with elderly parents, very rough. I have had a few threads on here explaining. I stepped back (ish) a few months ago doing what I can for the EP (D)F who needs and accepts my input. My mother however is incredibly difficult. We currently do not live near but am about an hour away.

All that aside it has taken a massive toll on my marriage. I mistakenly thought I was trying to get things better for very nice husband. I have clearly missed every single thing as this evening he began a conversation about the future and what my plans are re my very elderly parents and what we would like to do. Don’t want to out myself so I will be vague about that but we planned to move very much further away to be near our own kids.

When I said I cannot give a definitive answer to whether I would want to do he said in terms of visiting Dad in his nursing home and an impossible situation with my mother - which I admit to being very frustrated about and probably having a whinge about far too much- he said ‘you are the most unpleasant human I know’.

I’m gutted. Really tough few years-scrap that life of people pleasing an awful mother now really sad that someone I love and admire so much hates me so much.

Is he not sharing that responsibility? If he's fed up with your weight of responsibility he should be helping you.

@Mischance yes he has been incredibly helpful and supportive. Sadly the issue is my mother who utterly refuses any sensible suggestions to make her life and our life more manageable so my siblings and I have had to navigate a riddle of stupid unrealistic expectations on top of also organising care for our very sick father.

We are all simply burnt out and frazzled by our mothers behaviour.

You all need to just stop doing what you’re doing and force her hand.

It does sound like taking some real steps to make your move closer to your children would be a good idea.

It will put distance between yourself and your parents. I find 2-3 hours away is quite good!

Think of the amazing new life you could be having. Do you know which area you want to be in and what sort of house you’d be able to afford there?

Sadly parents are like children, there is only so much you can do before letting them just get on with it. You describe it as an impossible situation but it isn't. If you and your sibling were not around what would she do? She is trying to force your hand, don't let her.

What you need to do is dedicate 5 minutes of time to yourself. Don't think about about what anybody else wants. What do you want? If no one was making any demands on you, where would you be? Would it be in a house nearer to your own children? Then start making moves to do that. No doubt your children are also frustrated by your capitulation to your Mother's demands.

Get on Rightmove and look, see what is out there. Start planning and looking ahead. You need to put yourself, your husband and your children first.

@Mischance problem is her mum wants the assistance but doesn't need it by the sounds of it. To be fair in her husbands shoes then l wouldn't be sacrificing my precious time and effort on someone who basically can't be bothered doing it for themselves. Then shoots down all suggestions to instead try to control someone else to do it

@Mischance the problem is BL's mum is going out her way to invent situations to be assisted with, and then normally insists only her family could possibly help her with them, not someone she's paid to assist. If he steps up to help then it will only feed into the situation.

@BlueLegume Even if the house move is going to take a while, can you go off on holiday for a bit and not tell your DM? Holidays set mine off, the final nail in the coffin was her trying to contact me repeatedly about imaginary health issues when I was away.

Hi @HoraceGoesBonkers the first part of your last post is spot on. Sadly as you will know from my previous threads she makes everything unnecessarily complicated and difficult. eg. Me: Why is your toaster in the hallway? Mum: It’s broken. Me: Let me have a look. Plug it in pop in some bread - works perfectly. Me: See Mum it works fine you have just turned it down to the lowest setting. Mum: It only works when you are here.

Rinse and repeat for the heating/oven/washing machine/kettle/iron/fire/blinds/hairdryer/microwave - you get the picture and are right she does all of this to control us. Clinicians would not have any of her nonsense. Anyhow thanks to all who have responded and I am stepping away (again I know, I know).

I need to heal myself again. Holidays abit difficult as still need to visit my father in his nursing home and as mother has alienated everyone else and is refusing to visit it’s down to us (bickering and resentful) as the adult kids.

House move wise I am not avoiding responding to questions etc but am wary I do not ‘out’ myself!! So it is still on the table and we are lucky to be able to move without too much hassle as finances are all in place.

What I will ask as a light touch is if anyone has any recommendations of somewhere nice to live, busy not rural within an hour commute of London I am all ears. Happy also perusing places I cannot afford for fun 😂

And that will in turn help with issues with your other half as you are doing the thing rather than talking about it, promising him and then getting sucked back in.

its a choice isn’t it, a really impossible one when you are mired in it but nothing will actually happen to you if you step away, it’s all internal thoughts and feelings we try to avoid.