Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@MotherOfCatBoy definitely option b. Social services are as much use as a chocolate teapot. Won't do anything to help unless he asks for it directly. My dad used to be my mum's carer and I used to ring up and ask for help but they wouldn't do anything unless he asked himself

Evening all! My mum has moved into an extra care flat today close to me which is amazing! Unfortunately, the first care visit hasn’t gone that well. They arrived, let her shower in her own then left and didn’t make sure she had her incontinence pants on. I’ve generally found that the care she receives is really useless which puts more pressure on me. Is there anything I can do to make sure they do as I ask?

@Newmum738 is there a care log you could leave a message in?? Or leave a note for the carers somewhere obvious to remind them? Sending hugs x

@shellyleppard that’s crap… would your DF respond to quotes for a new one? (Mind you mine think everything is expensive and to be fair it often is…)
Ultimately if he won’t allow the work in his house, and SS won’t respond to the risk, there’s not a lot you can do. You can’t do the impossible.

I'd have to go nuclear, Shellyleppard. He's risking his own life, that of anyone else who happens to be in the house, and your financial stake in the house. Insurance will obviously be void if the boiler explodes or causes a fire. I'd go diwn there and get the boiler changed, or at least shut off. You have POA and are joint owner of the house. It's a shame the boiler repair man didn't outright condemn the boiler.

@MotherOfCatBoy @Isitsticky he's having the gas man in today to give him a quote. He's said if its too expensive he will have it disconnected and use the immersion heater instead for hot water. The downstairs was adapted and set up with a hospital bed when my mum was poorly. So he can effectively live downstairs if it comes to it. Not that he will, he's very stubborn and will just suffer in the cold upstairs 😵‍💫 thank you for the good advice x

That sounds promising.

I find sometimes with mine that they like to bluff and bluster initially but then accept the idea a few months down the line.

DH did the visit this week and they enthusiastically agreed to an extra cleaner per week when it had been pooh poohed when I initially suggested it. Obviously would have saved me a lot of extra work if they had accepted the idea straightaway, but I am getting used to this way of having to let them get to breaking point before putting in the measures that would make their lives - and mine - more tolerable.

Having said that, I can sometimes be resistant to new ideas so maybe it’s not just an elderly thing.

If he does end up not using the boiler @shellyleppard then I can recommend oil-filled plug-in radiators. We had a few of them when we had a problem with our heating that took months to sort out and they weren't too expensive to run. If he had one in his bedroom and one in his living room on timers then that would probably be enough.

Yeah @BlackAmericanoNoSugar that's what we're doing with my relative. The central heating is totally borked, and the whole system will have to be replaced - oil systems don't like being switched on when there's no oil in them!

We thought oil filled would be safer than fan heaters as it doesn't matter so much if they get covered.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar thank you very much I will suggest it to him. When he decides to talk to me. Not happy as I insisted on him getting a quote for a new boiler 🤔

@rookiemere i think most people are resistant to new ideas.... sometimes. But I think the elderly take it to the next level....or is it just mine Lol

Definitely not just yours @shellyleppard!

I am hoping the reason that they are more accepting of DH’s suggestions is because he is one step removed, not just because he is male, but I have my doubts.

Currently trying to avoid phone calls - I am going up tomorrow FFS and I already exchanged texts today. DH helpfully made sure DFs phone was working - already knew it was- so he could phone us if either of them have an emergency. Now DH narked at me that DF has taken this as green light to phone DH about minor inconsequential matters when he is at work. I know it’s so little compared to what others are dealing with on this thread, but I saw some great full time jobs today that I would love to apply for, but I simply can’t as only DC to change resistant elderlies living an hour away . Plus I think DM is acting up because she sees that DH is planning to do some of the visits instead of me.

I found the care improved as the carers and mum got used to each other.

I had to really nag about incontinence pants and what got through in the end was that if they didn’t do a pad check each visit they would be spending a lot more time washing and changing her and her bedding.

Overall I spent quite a bit of time micromanaging the carers, but I live 100 miles away so had to make it work. You should ask for access to the online carer notes and have a contact number/email for the office for concerns like this.

Apply for the jobs if that’s what you want. You can’t put your entire life on hold for an indefinite period while you’re at their beck and call. Well, you can but evidence from here is that it doesn’t do you any good in the long run.

your elderlies will never change and if you make yourself the default fixer for every problem they have you will end up with a breakdown (ask me how I know this…).

It’s really really hard, because they’re your parents, but you need to develop strong boundaries and show some tough love. Having a job would naturally limit the amount of time you have for your parents, but you have to follow through and not try and still do everything for them around your job (again, ask me how I know this…)

@funnelfanI totally get what you are saying and I am sorry you learned the hard way.

Thing is I am an only DC and when I was working until August when contract ended (suspect it might have been extended if I hadn’t had DP health worries to contend with) I just couldn’t cope with regular visits on the weekends as it’s an hour each way. If I or DH don’t go up then nobody will, and when working full time I was stretching myself too thin. DM and DF are both very elderly and infirm so I can’t see the situation lasting in its current format with them both at home for many more months and I will reassess when that happens. Horribly in a way I hope the next crisis comes soon so they realise just how much pressure this is putting on me. In the meantime I am trying to maintain good boundaries, hence DH taking on some of the visits.

I don’t have the energy or oomph to apply for a demanding full time job at present. I think menopause is a bit of a factor as well. I have decided that if nothing changes by the end of the year then I need to figure out what to do. DH is retiring then and would like us to go on longer holidays, except we can’t because of my DPs. I was going to say I think they would feel awful if they realised but DM has changed personality so much ( possibly dementia but mentally she seems on the ball) I don’t think she would care. They seem to think I would prefer inheritance to the opportunity to continue to earn my own living.

I must stop moaning , I am so sorry ! I am going to doctors next week for menopause advice.

@rookiemere sending the biggest of virtual hugs. Its so bloody difficult when you are the only child trying to juggle everything and keep everyone happy..... just take care of yourself and don't make yourself ill as @funnelfan has previously said. Biggest virtual hug to you too @funnelfan

Could she have assured them she was ok to shower on her own and get the pants on? I know mine would blithely assure carers or HCPs she was absolutely fine, and they may not realise they need to insist.

eg she wouldn’t want to “bother” them or “put them out” so she wouldn’t ask for help.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar i just spoke to my dad. Hes interested in the oil filled radiators for winter ❄️. Thank you

Just an update regarding my dad and his boiler. The gas engineer has been today. The system is still safe to use, the co2 emissions do not comply with modern levels. It will cost £5,000 for a new boiler but the whole system probably needs replacing so looking at £15,000!!!!!!

My dad has now put co2 meters in most rooms and will look into oil filled radiators for when the boiler breaks inevitably breaks down.
Thank you all sooo much for the advice. The biggest virtual hugs to you all 🤗🙏💞💐

No worries, sounds very familiar. I’m through the other side now - we had the crisis and mum is now in a care home. I’m still on the anti-anxiety meds and reduced hours working though.

i understand the pressure from being an only as that was the situation for DH - and his mum was an only too so no extended family either. I do have a sibling but they work abroad so everything falls to me. Although DH said having someone else who can share decisions at a distance is still a big improvement on being an only.

And do moan away here - that’s what we’re here for, and there’s always someone that’s been through exactly the same thing and can offer either advice or just a sympathetic ear.

oh, and good luck at the doctor for menopause advice. I saw one about 6 years ago and they were useless. A couple of years ago I got to the point where I couldn’t cope any more, asked around and found out that my GP surgery has a nurse practitioner that specialises in menopause and she was/is utterly fabulous. Fingers crossed you see someone good too.

It will cost £5,000 for a new boiler but the whole system probably needs replacing so looking at £15,000!!!!!!

Argh!!!!

@rookiemere I've also come out the other side, and I know how very difficult it is to spread yourself so thin.

Hopefully when the crisis comes, and you're more able to have time for yourself, you'll be able to think about new jobs.

I second everyone's advice to find a good nurse or doctor who specialises in the menopause.
We're lucky where I live, because one of our GPs has a particular interest in women's health. It wouldn't surprise my if 95% of the women in this village are going round with an Estring vaginal ring in situ.

I've been on HRT for many years, and I'm now on a low dose of post-menopausal progesterone and oestradiol. I'm 69 and I'm very okay with that.

So, newly discharged elderly person who was found in hospital to lack capacity. Discharged home anyway as SS felt this was the better outcome. Sent all the paperwork off to the bank confirming that the person had been found to lack capacity for financial affairs. And were assured by the bank this would mean that the account would remain frozen.

However bank have just been in touch to confirm elderly person has "made contact" with them, and providing elderly person can pass the ID check, will be permitted full access to their accounts.

I'm stumped, totally stumped. It goes against all my understanding of capacity, and what we were expecting to happen after discharge. It also puts everyone in a very difficult position, as EP refuses to participate in capacity assessment or financial assessment. But if they can now access (and therefore empty) their bank account, what happens with care funding??

@roundaboutthehillsareshining have you got financial POA?
What a difficult situation for you.