Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@Choconuttolata Oh i'm sure it will. And at this point, I'm not sure that would be a bad thing.... It's that grey area where someone isn't really well enough (psychiatrically) to be at home, but is able to firmly state their wishes to be at home, so home is where they are (until it all goes t**s up anyway...)

@PermanentTemporary

Having ordered flooring and new bedroom furniture for DM I started prepping the skirting boards ready for painting and realised there is definite damp in the front wall. Then I noticed a big crack running across the coving over the chimney breast and down the wall. It’s the original 1920 plaster coving. Aargh. I’m going to have to get someone in to look at it. I’ll see if DB knows someone shall I?

@BestIsWest are you falling into a perfectionist trap? Will “good enough” do? I’d prioritise the damp and assume the crack is cosmetic if you’ve not noticed it before.

@BestIsWest that seems like major work might be required- would she be up to having tradies in the house? I agree with pp, I would fix the flooring and leave it at that - maybe patch the damp for now?

Currently trying to fix my Dad’s broken Talk Talk landline connection, aka one of the circles of hell…

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Fuck off you fucking incompetent wastes of space and then go fuck yourselves while you’re at it. Fucking fucking dick heads. Ffs why is everything so fucking difficult. Mum now has to have her evening meal at lunch time and then have a sandwich for dinner because of demand for their very much sought after service. Fuck off. Your mum has agreed to it. Well she’s not going to say no is she seeing as she’s got no fucking choice really! It’s either that or go hungry. I’ve been gaslighted and mansplained caring 101 by some oh so experienced in moving and handling person who constantly spoke over me and suggested if I didn’t like it then I could go and do mum’s meals myself. Fuck oooooofffffffff!!!!!!
I feel slightly better now. As you were.

@Dormit that sounds like crap. Have a or maybe a ?

Is there an alternative caring company (oh the irony) or are they the only ones in town?

Aargh @Dormit! It’s good to vent.

I probably am falling into perfectionism- I am prone to it. I’m just worried about the house falling down! I’ll see what DB says. We had the damp in her hallway done earlier this year and it was very expensive and messy and took ages ( the house has the original 1919 black mortar on the walls, not plaster) so doing the room she sleeps in would be difficult.

They are apparently assessors not carers or helpers. I’m impressed at their ability to accurately assess without asking any questions or completing paperwork. They just watch her. I asked for the woman’s qualifications and she told me “moving and handling” which my mum doesn’t need anyway. She didn’t mention any other qualifications until she was ranting at me claiming I’d called her unprofessional. I didn’t but the cap certainly fit with the way she was talking to me. So mum has gone from having all means done for her to being expected to cook a hot meal at lunchtime AND prepare herself a sandwich for dinner to put in the fridge. I’m going up there later and will let rip if needed. I’m fed up of them whining about workload and not having time and this one in particular about how good she is at her job while she’s yelling at me and not letting me get a word in. Apparently she’s got some qualification in health and social care but she didn’t point that out when I asked about her qualifications. We’ve not been given any information about who is coming or what they do. They don’t introduce themselves or their job title. Professionals usually do I’ve found and prior to having Ds I was a registered nurse so them treating me like I’m as thick as they are isn’t going to wash. Mum said one came in yesterday chewing gum with her mouth open. Any of that and they’ll be told to get rid of it immediately. I’m all for a more relaxed approach but there should still be professional standards maintained. They were shite when she broke her neck years ago which is how I ended up being her carer.

We're back from our holiday now.. The sale of PILs house has gone through despite some idiocy by the solicitor which caused extra running around (by BIL as we weren't around). MIL survived her stay in the care home unscathed and BIL finally appears to have had a reality check. MIL was not transformed by the amazing architecture, beautiful food or numerous activities on offer. She still complained about everything and chose to stay in her room. She even complained on all the outings he took her on. I think he previously thought we weren't trying hard enough with her.

Sounds like you need to go on more holidays @Morenicecardigans!

I do wonder about this trend of luxury care homes, there’s one near DPs with a bar and cinema room, apparently both pretty much never used by residents.Perhaps if people sensibly took themselves there whilst still in possession of most of their faculties like the main characters in the Thursday Murder Club, then they would be more useful. But so prohibitively expensive they can only really be used in times of extreme need.

Would she not stay in the care home now that you have got through the initial hurdle of getting her there and BIL understands that she may be less easygoing than he had fondly imagined?

At the moment MIL is in a flat with lunches and someone who goes in every morning to check she's OK. She has carers who do her shower a couple of times a week and she goes to a dayclub once a week. DH still goes round to see her too much but that's getting a bit more manageable. I'd say she has some mild cognitive decline but she's always been a negative complaining person. FIL is in the linked care home with dementia and he did absolutely everything for MIL before he declined too much and so she doesn't particularly want to be independent.

She would be self funding so a care home isn't really an option yet. The care home she went to for respite care had pictures of glass tables in the rooms with open bottles of champagne on them which made me laugh. Maybe they'd been watching the Thursday Murder Club too.

I’m on my way home after spending a few days in London with DD. Very little Mum related contact and nothing was urgent or bad, so that’s a win for me.

Trying not to worry again... The carers have raised concerns that there's no heating or hot water. We had already told the social worker this before discharge - the heating system needs a complete overhaul and it'll cost 000's that noone has. Anyway, they must have mentioned it to elderly relative as she spun us a great yarn on the phone about how she'd got the heating engineers in and it was all up and running. She didn't (barely any executive functioning) and I'd put money on it not being. But now worried her new social worker won't be used to how "plausible" she can be, and will believe it, so our attempts to raise it as a concern will be ignored.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugarits so funny/not funny as to how much wins are based on this. Every phone call or text throws me into hyper vigilance with that shot of adrenaline- what new tragedy has struck now - but often it’s something banal, like DM ringing me up when on holiday to let me know she had changed the time of an appointment I was accompanying her in November.

Even today when I am having a lovely break away with friends this weekend. DH asked for a list because he is going up, I dutifully prepared one, but got really annoyed with him because he wanted to go through it with me. The whole point of having a break is it’s someone else’s problem for a while - although as only DC always ultimately mine. Most stuff can’t be listed like last visits plague of flies <oh yes said DF I did vaguely notice them> or the blocked toilet the time before.

My tolerance is very low and I have only been doing this level of care/visits for 6 months.

Yes, a sad lol at the luxury bits of the care homes. We did used to have rather painful family get togethers in the ‘cinema room’ at MIL’s care home, as it was a larger private space, so that was nice.

I can’t get on with the Thursday Murder Club. Reminds me too much of Waiting for God - Stephanie Cole was 48 when she was cast in that. Having said that, I’ve enjoyed The Man on the Inside, though it only acknowledges one condition -dementia - and even those with dementia look attractively immaculate. The reality is always too much to film it seems.

48? 😳 Bloody hell, I was a teenager and I thought she was ancient!
How times change.

Yes I do wonder if the luxury care homes are aimed more at placating families of their residents into thinking they’re doing right by their relatives by getting them “the best”. I suppose there’s an argument to be made that it might help persuade some reluctant residents to be ok because they think they’re actually in a hotel not a home.

They’d certainly be wasted on my mum and many of her fellow residents. I’d far rather her fees went on decent pay and conditions to keep a low turnover of lovely, kind carers that she currently has. All she’s bothered about facilities wise is having a quiet room with a comfy bed. Doesn’t even care about “a nice view”.

Yes on my last hospital visit with DM on the way back in the ambulance they dropped a chap off at the “luxury” care home with bar and cinema room.
Poor old bloke was lying flat and unaware of his surroundings or who was around him which was probably good as he was unaccompanied by either a care home worker or relative.

My friend was showing me pictures of the place as she is trying to persuade her DF to go in for a weeks respite so she can come skiing with us in January. Maybe the bar will help with that process so won’t be entirely useless.

The air fryer arrived yesterday to make cooking easier for mum. Aunt told her it was the wrong kind and she didn’t need that one. She always has to intervene. Wanted mum to pay the medical bill she’d got but refused to leave her bank details for me to sort it out today with mum because mum again couldn’t remember her bank log in passcode. It’s been the same for years so it’s worrying me she can’t remember it. I wasn’t about to tell aunt it and give her access to mums bank account so she refused to leave her bank account number and sort code for it to be paid. Couldn’t send the invoice over either 🙄

I'm still sniggering after having lunch with Mum today. There is a back-story, skip this paragraph if you want. Mum wanted a puppy after her old dog died. Since she's 83 and both physically and mentally not up to the task both DB and I discouraged her, massively. She kept phoning me and saying things like "I think I'll let you find the right breeder so that I don't get scammed" and then get angry and say she would never ask me for anything again ever because she was clearly a terrible mother. (Fortunately would almost immediately forget she said that.) Anyway, someone that she knew through a club is a foster carer for puppies and gave her a puppy. I don't know this woman or I would have contacted her to have him removed again. He was sweet enough but there was shit and pee everywhere because she wasn't able to be quick enough to get him outside. I sent him to my friend who does home boarding for dogs to be house trained, which made me a 'bossy bitch' who stole her dog. Anyway the pooing problem was much improved.

So, Wednesday before last, the puppy knocked her over and she can't get herself up from the ground. She phoned my friend and asked her to take the puppy for a few days straight away because she was on the ground and he was nipping her. My friend is fabulous, she picked Mum up off the ground and made sure she was alright, then took the puppy and the phone number of the foster carer and arranged for him to be taken back permanently. Mum said that she was absolutely NOT allowed to tell me anything about the situation so my friend phoned me from the car as soon as she left Mum's house.

At lunch today everyone was under strict instructions not to mention the puppy but Mum said that he was off to a new family so DS asked why. My DH said it was because he had knocked Mum over. Mum was absolutely insistent that it had never happened and that DH was making things up because he always makes things up (he never does). She was really cross. Poor DH was just sitting there going "Oh yes, I absolutely always get the wrong end of the stick". Apparently Mum never falls. I have learned not to list the falls that I am aware of in response, she gets quite pissy.

Hello all you lovely people. First time visiting this thread but I'm really struggling with my elderly dad and don't know what else to do.
At Christmas my elderly dad (80) gas boiler (45 years old)broke down. It was repaired but the gas engineer said not to use it. My dad is refusing to get it replaced as "the next people who have his house will just rip it out".
He's gotten quite nasty with me as I have insisted on it being replaced. I have power of attorney and own half the house.
There was a bad explosion in my home town where he still lives and my first thought was the house has gone.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
He's showing symptoms of dementia but won't see a doctor as he was tested 3 years ago , all fine so why bother getting tested again.....
Sorry for dumping on you all but I'm struggling with this.

Welcome @shellyleppard. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Could you arrange for it to be replaced while he's not there, perhaps when he has an appointment or something?

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar that's a good idea but I don't live with him. Also I'm 150 miles away so difficult to know his schedule. But thank you for the idea 💡

Hmmm @shellyleppard can you clarify - is he a) not using the boiler as instructed and therefore without heating or hot water going into winter or b) using it against instructions and risking a fault or explosion?
If the former maybe you can persuade him to get a new one for his own comfort - will probably be much cheaper to run as more efficient - if the latter, that’s a risk to himself and others and if reported to social services maybe someone would step in?