Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Washable flooring @BestIsWest sounds like that will be easier to maintain. I hear you though on the making decisions on other people’s behalf that you don’t really want to make.

It’s all so rubbish really. Just escaped from my weekly visit. I treat myself to a few minutes at this lovely park with my pack lunch before I drive back. Flies had turned into a kitchen invasion and once I had the fly spray it was quite cathartic nuking the little sods.

It was a sad visit. DF is struggling with DM who is waking during the night due to jaw pain, DM wants me to read up on dementia as she thinks DF might have it. Basically each thinks the other should be in a care home but neither wants to say it. As the situation is just about tenable at the moment, I refuse to be the fall guy.

Still at least DM thanked me for changing the sheets after I may have muttered something under my breath about her not saying thank you for various admin pieces I had done. Which then of course made me feel like a cantankerous old harpy who can’t even do minimal care for her DPs.

I have a week off next week- bar emergencies!
DH will go up as I am away. Hallelujah!

Another vote for hard flooring

@BlackAmericanoNoSugarit sounds like your DM has loads of daytime company. Could your DB sweet talk her into using a fall pendant so at least she could summon help in the nighttime if needed?

I know what you mean about seeing a problem and then offering what one would think is a reasonable solution to resolve it. I have learned that this approach is not generally well received so only go forward on small matters where DH and I will not pick up the slack such as getting a cleaner and a gardener. Helps enormously that I have a POA bank card for their account.

I have stepped right back from suggesting more paid for care as this was roundly rejected 6 months ago. I sense they might be more amenable to it now, but as I have no smooth talking relatives to step in, I am just going to try and leave it until they request it themselves or the inevitable crisis happens.

Washable flooring @BestIsWest

And don't wait for your brother to sort it out.

I have been sobbing this afternoon. Mum is in dreadful pain with spine fractures. Dad can't cope with helping her. Phoned carers, who currently go in twice a week, to try and arrange more care. They keep telling me they will get back to me, but then don't, so I have to chase them. Have finally agreed to sending someone every weekday, but not weekends. Warned me current carer might be finishing, and generally made me feel like a nuisance. This is Home Instead. I thought they were supposed to be good. I think they are just struggling to get staff, but I wish I felt they understood how difficult it is at least. Currently considering seeing if a care home could take mum short term. I don't know what to do really.

@NDornotND have you identified a care home yet, for when it's inevitable?
Or at least, for respite when you're in situations like this?
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. It's relentless, isn't it?

Thank you. No, we haven't identified a care home. They have been adamant they don't want that. I was hoping we could get more care at "Home Instead", as promoted by said provider, but it seems that it's not so simple. I have started looking at care homes today. I am about to go over to their house again....the dread is descending...

@NDornotND it sounds like you definitely need to find a care home.
If your mother's needs are complex and your father is unable to look after her, things are going to get worse.

Or could your parents afford a live in carer, who would be there 24/7?
It's very expensive but at least you'd know someone was always there.

Washable flooring it will be! I’ve had a company out to measure and will put the order in tomorrow.

What’s with the disgusting pink for my own posts all of a sudden? My eyes!

They're all weird now!

Go into settings then more settings then talk settings and change the colour for your own posts.

I’ve changed my own colours now but I hate the bright blue. Migraine inducing. Have commented in site stuff.

I’d definitely also go for hard flooring (though tbh I would anyway as I loathe hoovering so much).

And guess who does the hoovering @PermanentTemporary.

Yes the blue is too intense, I have migraines too and normally drop the blue out of my screen using my settings.

We (dogs not elderlies) had a lot of the house done in thick (so not too cold) non slip vinyl ("lino" type) flooring. Wood plank pattern, looked fine really.

@NDornotND I know it's a struggle, but see if the GP can provide more pain relief.
(Turns out my EPICf has some sort of opiate pills, not that she's taking them rn, but I did say if she's up moaning at night with her galloping arthritis, she should ask the GP whether she SHOULD!)
(Elderly Person I Care for)

On the subject of DBs - mine would have been ok I think, but he epically fell out with the whole family and buggered off, so at least there's no backseat caring from him (hooray).

Thank you, things are a bit calmer now. Sorry for crashing into the thread me me me-ing - I just needed to vent.
DM struggles to tolerate any pain medication other than paracetamol. She can't take codeine or morphine as she just gets completely delirious. Doctor gave her nefopam, which i hadn't heard of before, but apparently is also an opiate and she was utterly out of it on that. We've just started with gabapentin yesterday, so will see how that goes. I have also put alarms on her phone to remind her to take the paracetamol, as she keeps forgetting, which doesn't help.

We have hard flooring throughout except in two bedrooms & i much prefer it. Mum's bedroom carpet needs replacing- she bled all over it from a burst varicose vessel - twice. We got someone out to clean it, but it has gone right through and keeps wicking up from the underlay.

My DB has been very good, but he's a long way away, so I try only to bother him when absolutely necessary. DSis is lovely, but also a long way away and has a very hectic life - i am trying to protect her from all this- she's had a lot of shit to deal with over her lifetime and she could do with a break. Also, she's quite a bit older than me, so likely has less 'good' years left herself. Anyway she's visiting this weekend.

I’ve ordered nice wood effect flooring and booked the fitter. Need to paint the skirting beforehand. Shall I ask DB?
Next job is to order new bedroom furniture for her and sort out the enormous amount of clothes she has (two double wardrobes, three chests plus piles on the bed upstairs. She’s gone from a size 16 to a 10 so most of it won’t fit.
We have an appointment for neurology through to discuss her hydrocephalus ( this affects memory, gait and continence). I am hopeful that they will consider treating it.

this group has kept me sane over the last 2 years or so dealing with DM dementia, I’ve posted a few times under different user names. DM is now finally out of her misery so I just wanted to say thank you. I got knowledge, support and solidarity here when in real life I felt I was screaming into the void. You are all brilliant. xxxx

Sending love @Thankyouall

Sorry for your loss @Thankyouall. Your mum is at peace now.

Thinking of you @Thankyouall