Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

As the family historian I love finds like that @BestIsWest !

My parents house is full to the rafters with stuff and junk. I fantasise about skips.

DM having her memory test in a week or so. DB is now coming round to the idea that DM likely has some form of dementia.

If there is a formal diagnosis then I think we have to go down the route of bringing the LPA into play. At this point we need to inform the bank and start to simplify DM's finances. This will include getting DM's bungalow on the market.

A lot of the 'we' in all of this will likely mean DH and me as my DBs are next door to useless at actually getting on with things.

I'm dreading when the time comes to sort out the in-laws house. DH is a hoarder and an only child so I just know he's not going to want to throw anything away. FIL has dementia and DH has supposed to have been selling his tools for years but always comes up with some excuse why he hasn't. DH is useless at DIY so I don't know what he thinks he is going to do with them.

Me too tbh @funnelfan, But then I have to read every document and not get anything else done!

Not saying this about your DH @Tupperwarelid (!) but can starting to hoard be an early sign of dementia? FIL certainly financially hoarding and now seems keen to acquire multiple pairs of slippers...

Looking back I think it was for my dm. Perhaps an inability to process what is actually needed so a decision to retain everything? Of course it isn’t always a sign of the beginning of dementia. But for my dm I definitely had wondered this independently and others suspecting it makes me even more convinced.

Is it very different to previous behaviour? That would be very normal in my house (well, two new pairs of slippers in the wardrobe, one being worn rather than loads).

Hi folks! My moving is moving closer to me in to extra care. It will be good for her but her expenses will go up. She has to have personal care now because her dementia has made her incontinent and social services deemed her to be at risk of self neglect. Do you think I have any chance of getting her care funded through continuing health care? I am under the impression that only severe cases get this but her care needs are due to her medical condition. Any advice appreciated.

@Newmum738 We did get CHC on the NHS for my late DM, she had Alzheimers, diabetes and general frailty (weighed six stone dripping wet and fell and broke her hip whilst actually in hospital!). She was continually falling, even while on her walker.
However this was several years ago now and I believe it is much harder to get now. I had to advocate hard for her at the meeting where it was discussed and in the end I said that above all, she needed to be safe.
(Her care home refused to take her back after the hospital stay so a nursing home was the necessary next step.) Luckily one was found nearby, it was fine, and her funding was covered.
So sending you all the best for you and your DM, and really hope you are successful in getting the funding too.

We had CHC for MIL when she was discharged from hospital after unsuccessful treatment for leukaemia. She also had advanced Alzheimer’s, was very frail, and wasn’t expected to live for very long. Incontinence alone is unlikely to trigger CHC, both MIL and FIL have/had incontinence and don’t/didn’t have it for that. It’s always worth a try though, all they can do is say no. Some LAs have incontinence support services, would be worth checking yours. Does she get attendance allowance?

Definitely apply for Attendance Allowance and also see if your NHS has an incontinence service.

It took about 4 months for my Mum to get seen by the incontinence service and for her to get her first supply of pads. It looks like she got 2-3 months worth.

AA can be applied for once she has had needed care for 6 months. MoneySavingExpert has a good guide on how to apply https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/attendance-allowance/

An escalation of previous behaviour. He's always refused to get rid of things even though they're not going to be used again, e.g. notes from a job he retired from years ago etc. Definitely refusing to spend money. I'm wondering if some possible underlying neuro diversity is becoming more obvious too? Or is he just incredibly stubborn?

Hello everyone. I'm a new Cockroach Cafe customer having been directed here by the lovely @BunnyRuddington following my post on the Dementia and Alzheimer's topic - End of Life Care & Morphine Sulfate for pain

Everyone has been so kind and helpful in sharing their experiences and providing advice, even when it probably brought back awful memories. The kindness of strangers is a very powerful and lovely thing.

Memory test for DM has been put back to a date as yet unspecified.

This is annoying but fairly typical for her GP.

Welcome @LoveMyLittleFatCat.

Hearing aid wars again yesterday. Nephew phones to say it’s not working, somehow it’s been fully immersed in water as the innards were soaking. DM is crying and wailing and panicking because she can’t hear. I was about to make my way to audiology at the hospital when I notice she is fiddling with another hearing aid that she’s found in her handbag.
Give me strength. It definitely wasn’t in her handbag on Saturday. Anyway, I got that one working - then found another one under the bed!
I dried out the wet one so now we have three left hearing aids. God knows where the right ones are but that’s ok because she doesn’t need to wear them. Yes you do, then you won’t panic when one breaks.
Then I get ‘Put me in a home’ etc etc. which won’t help as it’ll still be me sorting out the hearing aids.

@BestIsWest that all sounds familiar

We were having a lovely holiday till BIL messaged to say he's signed the documents for the sale of PILs house and sent them back to the solicitor today.

He's had the documents for a whole week and was supposed to sign and send them off straight away. The exchange and completion dates that the buyer wanted have now been missed. Oh well nothing we can do about it now. I'm not sure how a fully grown adult can be so unreliable.

Took DM for a cataract op yesterday. A long day as she was last on the afternoon list. She was very frightened about it and this made her snappy and aggressive but she also admitted she was afraid so she has some insight. Of course the team at the hospital looked after everyone brilliantly, she calmed down a lot whilst waiting as she could see other people coming out just fine, and it all went well.

I just have to admit here, that I have a wall in my heart where she’s concerned. Objectively I feel sorry for her and I want to be compassionate, I really do. But she’s so self centred and always has been, and was so awful to me growing up, that I just can’t feel for her the way I “should.” I was there the day before too to take her to her GP and her banking hub, and she was even worse (nerves building I think), shouted at me, insulted my appearance (she has a weird obsession with my hair and if I wear it down - I have a standard mid length bob - tells me that I look terrible, yesterday she said I looked like I’d been sleeping rough; this isn’t unusual; tellingly it’s always when there is no one else in earshot; at last I’ve figured out that it’s because she lost a lot of her own hair in menopause to alopecia and wears a wig - of course I feel sorry for her about this but she deflects it outwards and attacks me for what she doesn’t have).

Yesterday she spent a lot of time talking about her childhood, her early depression and anxiety which appeared at secondary school, etc. I think she’s undiagnosed aud-ADHD. (When I was younger I used to think perhaps she was bipolar, she was so extremely up and down, now I think ADHD with a bit of discalcula and dispraxia thrown in explains an awful lot). Again, I feel sorry for her and I do treat her well, but I just can’t love her. Because fundamentally, she was incapable of loving me.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

So nice to see you here @LoveMyLittleFatCat

@Morenicecardigansthat must be beyond frustrating and I’m not sure why he sent a text to you about his tardiness when tou were on holiday.

@MotherOfCatBoyI totally understand. My own M was neglectful and abusive when I was younger and I find it really hard to forgive. Since having my own DC I will just leave when she is abusive now. Took her a goid few years to understand that being nasty to me didn’t give her attention, it just meant that now she was alone.

You have my sympathy

Thanks @BunnyRuddington
Usually I ignore the insults or leave, but not when there’s a task/ appointment to be done. I just don’t rise to them. But inside I just think, why, FGS? It’s just lashing out and projection, I can rationalise it, and I’ve long stopped letting it get to me. But when I can’t fathom it is looking at my beloved son who is now on the brink of leaving for Uni - I love him to bits and I can’t imagine saying such things to your own child.

I can’t understand it from my own M either, at all. I often think when people behave in an unexpected way “what are they gaining from this behaviour”.

So far, I have no what my M gains.

Her family don’t like her, she has few friends and often complains of being lonely. She’s never shown the slightest hint that she’s capable of self reflection though so I’ve long ago resigned myself to the fact that this is who she is and spent my efforts in protecting myself and my DC instead of trying to get her to see just how appalling her behaviour is.

When I’m driving to visit her, the road turns a corner just before I send her home and the deep discomfort and dread I have as I turn the corner is awful.

I sometimes describe my family as middle class dysfunctional. No fights, no rows, just not really interested in or close to each other.

Now I do what I do for DM (admin, weekly visits, buying/making new clothes) out of a sense of duty, loyalty and to support DB so that it doesn't all fall on him.

@BunnyRuddington I totally get that feeling of dread when driving visit DM.

@BunnyRuddington @MotherOfCatBoy I don’t know enough about adhd etc but I’ve been thinking more and more that my mum must have something like this. Pushes friends away, the few she had, can’t join in things like clubs for elderly even tho they are doing things she likes, crafts etc. It would explain so much of what she was like when we were growing up and with the mild dementia it’s just amplified

Yes both my DC are now diagnosed with ADHD, one with ASD too. I’ve recently been diagnosed and DH is going through the process after his GP suggested it might be helpful. Given it’s usually an hereditary condition I think the likelihood of my M having it as well is pretty high.

I do feel for her in some ways. She was born at a time when marriage and DC were the expected norm and women had far fewer choices. She should never have had me and DSis, she just isn’t capable of considering another human’s needs or caring for anyone.

The irony is though is that in her career she was a Nurse who looked after people with ASD and ADHD so would have had an understanding of the conditions for many decades. Not once did she seek support or diagnosis for me and DSis. Instead she spent her efforts trying to get us to move out once we reached the teenage years.