Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

So how's your Sunday going?

Dad fell over yesterday (second time in a week) and they called mum's bracelet alert people. Got him up and in a chair. Marvellous. They are carrying on their day as usual.

However, get a call from my sister this morning to say that I should expect a call from mum any minute to say dad was having trouble with his legs and difficulty walking.

Upshot of that is, despite both sister and I saying call an ambulance, they're not going to. A few more calls; but dad is fine had some ibuprofen and feeling better. Mum was going to have a rest.

I call a couple of hours later to have mum say she'd phoned an ambulance an hour before. So I tell my sister. She arranges to go down with her husband.

On journey she hears from mum that they'd had a triaging call from a doctor.

Then another call to say ambulance cancelled and what would sister and bil like for dinner? 🤯 Sister not happy as she's incredibly busy with busy job and new employers, kids off to university etc etc

Anyway, the long and short is, after being told off by sister and then me on phone, sister calls back to say an ambulance has been called. Again.

Then after this I get messages from mum saying what time will I get there to take dad to his previously scheduled hospital appointment? And could I bring a bit of shopping?

I had to message my sister to check that I hadn't dreamt that they'd re called the ambulance.

My poor sister is having to stay waiting for the ambulance which was originally called over 5 hours ago. She may well be accompanying dad to A&E and all that can entail. God knows what time they'd finish!

NB "Then after this I get messages from mum saying what time will I get there to take dad to his previously scheduled hospital appointment? And could I bring a bit of shopping?"

This appointment is scheduled for tomorrow lunchtime btw!

Oh God @tobee, it all sounds like a right nightmare.

DFIL fell again last night abd DH found him on the floor cold and confused this morning. He does have a falls alarm but it didn’t go off this time, it ciukd be tgat he slid off the bed.

The upshot is that he’s finally getting end of life care which should hopefully start tomorrow in a lovely home that he’s been in before so will feel safe.

Lots of phone calls today and a lot of sitting with DFIL, so not the day I’d planned but at least he should get the date he needs now. They’ve given us an overnight sitter too so I’m just off to bed.

Feeling lucky that my parents have got to early 90s before the issues you are all describing have hit.
One question how do you cope with holidays, I’ve one coming up but it looks as if I might not be able to make it due to dads health. If he’s vaguely ok the day before I’m due to go do I go and look like a total bitch if anything happens or do I stay home lose the 1500 quid cost when in all likelihood he will make it through the week.

I'm supposed to be going on my holiday next Saturday! It's in this country and only for a week but eek! 😁

Update about my dad is my sister ringing at half past one in the morning - 2 hours ago. After bil calling 999 people 4 times with no idea when ambulance was coming it was cancelled again! They spoke to dad to check he wanted it be cancelled. He had been asleep because he insisted on going to bed. And mum had gone to bed too. So my sister and bil had been waiting to let ambulance in while my parents - the patient and his wife were sleeping 😑

We're going to tell mum to cancel dad's non emergency appointment and I'll be on standby to help go to A&E or whatever. Bil's assessment is that I won't be able to get dad in the car anyway and he'll need paramedics.

I'm not sure why I'm up this late (half past 3) but I just wanted a bit of chill time and I've been in the habit of staying up late watching US open tennis. I daresay I'll regret it in the morning

Have you got any siblings @BestIsWest? My and My DSis cover obe another if there are holidays. DFIL was persuaded to go into respite whilst DH had a small holiday but it looks as though DFIL won’t need it now he's moving to a Nursing Home for palliative care anyway.

Does he have any carers coming regularly?

@tobeewhat an absolute nightmare. I think moving the Hospital appointment sounds like a good idea too. Hope you’re not too exhausted today

No carers as yet, just parents managing with mine and siblings help with shopping etc.
The caring/ help isn’t an issue whilst I’m away but it’s the thought of going away and the worst happening whilst I’m away. So I’m getting anxious and thinking of staying home when in all likelihood this latest health scare will not be the end.

i was like it last time we were away but things have escalated. To go or not to go

Personally I would go. I know it doesn’t sound nice but this could literally go on for years. We’ve had older relatives with health problems for the last 8 years. It’s a long time to live without a break.

Have a realistic plan set with your siblings . Me and my DSis agree that we won’t phone each other whilst we are on holiday. So far not a single situation has cropped up that obe of us can’t deal with alone. DH has the same arrangement with his sibling.

Carong for someone else is hard and you do deserve a holiday. If somebody were to judge you then they’re welcome to take over some of the caring responsibilities. I’ve found my extended family very quick to criticise but very reluctant to actually do anything practical themselves.

@Worriedreparents between us we've been in panic mode about one or other parent since February 2015. If we'd gone that long without a holiday I think I'd be doing time for murder.

Having seen someone who was described as “end of life” and “their last summer”’go on for well over another year, including yet another summer, I now don’t put stuff on hold just in case.

Even when I have been with a terminally ill relative, I’ve missed the end, because it’s impossible to stay awake for days on end. Many people slip away whilst there is no one with them.

Make sure you’ve said all the things you need to say. Know who the contacts are should something happen.

That sounds crazy @tobee . Maybe everyone needs to react a lot more slowly??

@Worriedreparents so far I’ve done 3 bedside death vigils for my mum. She remains alive and about to ‘celebrate’ her 91st birthday (she has no idea). Live your life, have your holiday and what will be will be.

Here you all are, hello!

I’ve been quiet recently as DM is settled in her care home and they continue to take excellent care of her. So life has calmed down a bit and I’m gradually sorting her house every time I drive over to visit her. It’s nice that some weeks I can say sod it and not go and know mum will be fine and probably won’t even notice.

DM is still declining despite the care. She has to be encouraged to eat and drink with 1:1 assistance now, although I’ve made it clear she should not be forced and they are totally on board with that. They gave me some examples of mum shaking her head at the offer of another spoon of food which they respected. She’s so frail now she’s on a 28 day review with the GP, which means they visit her every 28 days. It’s like she’s slowly fading away - to be honest I expect her to just not wake up from one of her naps. And I’d be quite happy if that’s the way she went. She’s not in pain at all, just knackered.

On a side note, it’s lovely how I’ve become part of the extended care home family, as other residents are used to seeing me and want me to chat or do little things for them. I see other relatives doing the same and it’s also nice chatting to them for support. If I’m there at a meal time I always get invited to eat with them too.

Cockroach to all and now I’ll go and read the thread and catch up with what’s been happening.

@funnelfan that sounds so much better. I think we’ll be there in a year or so.

Yes it’s a great shame that it takes a crisis to force the situation in so many cases, but it’s turned out ok for us. I can’t say mums happy about being there but she appears to accept the situation. The staff seem to love her because she’s compliant and polite (on her speaking days) and they’re always telling me what a lovely smile she has when they talk to her.

I’ve come to terms with it too - seeing what the home do, there’s no way on this earth I could provide the care that they do. No one single person could and still retain their sanity. They have all the training, equipment, experience and patience that I did not have. I did all the outsourcing to carers and gardeners and cleaners etc and made sure I wasn’t the default solution to every problem mum had, but in the end it wasn’t enough as she just wasn’t safe at home any more.

My main regret is that I didn’t force the conversation about what she’d want if and when she was no longer able to cope at home any more, when she was still compus mentis. She was a bugger for hand waving it away with “oh I’ll manage somehow”. Which as we all know actually turns out to mean “I’m sure you’ll sort any problems for me”. My conscience is clear though that she is in the best place even if it does mean her last days won’t be in her home of 63 years. She’ll be safe, clean, warm, comfortable and looked after.

Does anyone want to take custody of my 85- (almost 86-) year-old mum alongside their own relatives? She's driving me doo-lally! She's in a lot of pain due to osteoporosis and a crumbling spine, but won't take her medication regularly. I made her and dad some chicken and vegetable soup with my leftover roast chicken today, but she said she didn't want it as she was planning on having some beef stew with potatoes and vegetables. I think she was planning on me making it, as she can barely stand, let alone wrangle saucepans! Also claimed to have no nice bread. I offered to pop and get some on our way back from the GP, but no. Turns out she actually has a stash of frozen homemade bread (breadmaker) in the freezer (she knew this full well). Oh, and she is furious with my dad constantly because he doesn't do anything and also because he was defrosting the freezer because it wouldn't shut and doing it wrong. Poor bloke is 89 with an unhealed fractured arm. I am having coffee and a chocolate wafer & wishing for something much stronger. Anyway, they're having the soup and some lovely bread.

@NDornotND I feel your pain. My mum used to be horrible to dad because he couldn't iron/cook anymore (they used to take it in turns). Dad was 94, in severe pain with osteoporosis and arthritis, he'd had fractured vertebrae and pelvis, he had stage 4 heart failure and kidney failure. He fell regularly and not only couldn't walk across the room without his walker but couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without being in agony. But according to mum he was just being lazy and any suggestions of an ironing service (mum has always hated ironing) were batted away.

@countrygirl99 did you tell your mum she was being horrible? I sometimes want to tell mine, but she is in so much pain i don't have the heart for home truths & i doubt it would help - she would just feel persecuted.

I tried pointing out that dad could hardly stand and it wasn't a good idea for him to drop a hot iron on the carpet. She's always been very controlling and her Alzheimer's magnified it. I always went down the dad can't do it get an ironing service or stop moaning approach. It was more to let dad know I was on his side then with any expectation of change.

Have you tried pain patches? My Mum was trying to manage in similar circumstances with just paracetamol which wasn’t touching the pain plus she forgot to take them. Weekly patches made a huge difference to her.

@funnelfan that does sound much better. My Mum is now in a home and the relief of knowing how well she is being cared for makes such a difference.

My Mum however does notice if I don’t visit but I make sure the carers know when I’m visiting. Like you I am also decluttering/ sorting out her flat prior to sale.

Thank you - that's a really good suggestion. I wonder why the GP didn't raise that as a possibility today.

I do sometimes daydream about this thread becoming an ‘elderly swap’ service where we each get a different relative/set of relatives to look after for a week - kind of Cockroach Respite. It does remind me that anyone on this thread would swap for the situation we’re in now (perhaps not 2, 3 or 4 years ago).

The relief is also there for going back to just being her daughter rather than the problem solver.

Mum was still living in the family home and didn’t do much any sorting out after dad died six years ago, so there’s plenty to deal with. I’m also finding bits and pieces that I recognise as belonging to my grandparents. On the surface there wasn’t that much clutter but it turns out a 3 bed family house and garage had quite a large capacity for stuff if you shove it randomly into cupboards and drawers and wardrobes.

@funnelfanI’m slowly decluttering the upstairs in Mums as she lives entirely downstairs now. The amount of stuff is mind boggling. You probably missed my post a few pages back where I found the mortgage agreement for my great grandparents house. No, I didn’t throw it out. Couldn’t. It was quite interesting. This is why it takes forever.