Should more people prepare for old age?

[Glasscabinet]

Bear with me on this one.

Off the back of two thoughts: PIL have received a sizeable inheritance and have asked us to have a think of what we’d like as they’d like to pay for something for us (car/something for our house/holiday). I won’t side this thread by they’ll be hidden strings involved so we’ve declined the offer three times.

But joking aside, what I’d really like them to spend the money on is planning for their old age. They’re both mid 70s, okayish health (FIL has had cancer twice in the last decade) but neither have had a particularly healthy lifestyle which is starting to show. Supposedly nobody in FIL’s side has reached 80; I doubt FIL will either. But they still manage two long haul holidays a year (for longer periods as they take them slower these days).

I can preempt that we’ll get the call within the next five years that FIL has died and MIL cannot cope alone in her four-bed-house. She hates her own company and relies on FIL for everything (no online shopping/cannot put fuel in the car/very much panics in any situation/problem…) The house has a downstairs toilet but no shower, not wheelchair friendly, huge garden and the area isn’t the safest- doubtful MIL would feel comfortable going to the shops in a scooter etc. The house is also four bedrooms of clutter.

Also reading another thread of when elderly family need to move it’s too late. Basically you’ve got to be pretty capable of doing a big move and life can change in an instant.

We’ve got a young family and I doubt it’s ’complete’. I feel almost obliged to spell it out to them that they can’t be relying on us as it’s just not feasible. MIL makes a lot of comments that we need to move closer as they want to help us with childcare. I feel myself biting my tongue that they need to sort out their arrangements first.

Yes, completely agree.
And usually all the people around them have to pick up the pieces.

If I was in government I would offer a free service of say three sessions with an adviser, available to everyone on reaching state retirement age. Sessions would cover things like the importance of making a will and POE, benefits, volunteering opportunities and keeping the body and mind fit and healthy. Making sure they're in suitable accommodation for their needs. I would even cover things like advance directives and death cleaning. People need to think about all this stuff years, even decades before they need them.

100% correct. It’s very selfish behaviour. It cost nearly £12k to clear my late parents house and even then various relatives asked me whether I had done a finger tip search!

There are many many relatives who turn away any outside help by saying their daughter (always daughters) will do this and that. They don’t necessarily tell the daughter this. I get that they want a familiar face but why is this ALWAYS about the elderly parent, what they want and demand.

I have been through this twice. I am done.

We are going to downsize to a bungalow before we will need one so prepared when can no longer use stairs. When older have a care alarm so there will be always someone on the end of the phone for 24 hour help. Have a key safe so people can enter the house if needed. Have POA sorted. I will not expect any of my DC to care for me at any time.

No, it's not everyone. However it is a shocking amount of people.

I understand the need for and the idea of The Big Box but it’s a sitting target in a burglary or to an unscrupulous carer.

To all the elderly people who do this. Don’t leave a nightmare for your family to sort out.

I know I sound harsh but it’s not all about them

Have an up-to-date will and make sure executors are aware of your wishes and where the will is. Even if the executor is the solicitor.
Have POA in place and ensure that the people who hold it are aware of your wishes in relation to treatment, where you’d want to live, where financial paperwork is.

Look at your finances and whether it would be easy for someone to take over managing for you - is the paperwork in one place, have you shredded paperwork from obsolete accounts, if you’ve chased interest rates do you still have many many accounts open or is it more sensible?

Housing paperwork - is it easy to find anything related to your home and its maintenance?

Where you live. Are you future-proof - can you access medical facilities, public transport, pharmacy, library, religious institution nearby? Are there stairs inside or outside the property? Is it in a good state of repair? Would you be able to live downstairs if necessary? Is there a garden to maintain? How much furniture and possessions are there in the house?

Social networks. Where do you meet with people? Do you have regular social interactions with a range of people? These become more and more vital as you get older. Are there things you enjoy doing locally?

It doesn’t have to be an obvious Big Box with a label on saying what it is. It just needs to be somewhere to keep everything like that. If it gets to the point when a POA is activated I’d take it back to my own house then as I’d need the contents of the box to be able to look after my relative’s affairs.

I'm 63 so in your target age group I think.

Down sizing makes no sense. We like where we live - in a lovely town, a bus stop round the corner, a parade of shops. Excellent gp. Great neighbours.

We looked into it. Estate agent said we should allow £60k for the costs of moving. £60k!!!

The craziest thing imo is when people retire and move to the country where they have no family and rely on the car.

We are staying put.

We tried to get MIL (waste of time) to move because her one bed flat wasn’t suitable. So it’s not just about reducing size. It was also full of crap like travel cots and baby toys even though all the children were grown and she wouldn’t get rid as she had ‘spent good money on them’. Drawers and drawers of holiday clothes when she hadn’t been abroad for a decade.

It hasn’t taught DH anything and he is just as bad as always and wants to keep everything. Given the choice he would move to a bigger house to get more ‘stuff’.

Mmmm. I totally agree with you.

My mum bless her could have written the Swedish death cleaning book. Her house is future proof, she’s badgered me and my brother
to simplify her finances - she’s getting great returns. We have POAs as well, and every time we go to hers there’s another few bags for the tip. it’s because she genuinely doesn’t want us to have much trouble if anything happens to her. It’s humbling.

my MIL however is another matter. She’s UPSIZED to be closer to the golden child. Bought a house with just a downstairs toilet, and no room for a stairlift. Bigger garden. She doesn’t walk particularly well either.

she needs to get a bathroom put in sharpish but won’t hear if it.

However this is not my problem. DH can go round and help her up the stairs or whatever if he can’t have the conversation with her. She thinks golden child will do everything.

So as much as you can see it, you can only really work on your DH.

if you frame it that your worried about him and the burden it will put on him if something happened to one of them, it might nudge him to suggest things.

But I know a lot of elderly people are just in denial. I might be like that too.

I’d just keep out of it.

Me and DH completed phase 1 downsize before we hit 60, moving from the family home where we raised our kids into a much smaller house near all amenities. Did the big sell/donate/dump on all our belongings.

We see it as a work in progress, shrinking belongings and living space into a minimalist situation.

Once you get into the swing of it, it's actually hugely cathartic.

No way are we leaving our kids to deal with a whole heap of complicated shit.

Kids know where everything is, and we have POAs in place. It feels liberating and good.

I am amazed it cost this much. When my aunt went into a home we put a bit of her stuff into storage and then got in house clearance. It was a zero quote, meaning they made money from what they cleared.
Unless your parents didn’t have any money to leave, surely the cost came from their estate, not from you. I am sorry that people expected you to do more.

I’m widowed and have remained in the split level bungalow family home. POA in place and I’m slowly decluttering. Wouldn’t expect my children to look after me (although my mother did!) When I married, I also married my husband’s inherited antique furniture and want to sell it. Unfortunately I’m told the market is not good for this…
it’s too big, plus a large garden and too much stuff. I have a cleaner, gardener and good social life. Family come and go, staying for periods.This thread is worrying however.

I remember a conversation with a widow a while ago and voiced my concerns.
She said “Is your house worth a lot when you leave it to them?”
”Oh yes” I replied.
”Well let them get on with it” she said”!!

I am 70, a widow with some arthritis. I am not going to start 'death cleaning' - I am going to carry on living.

Me too but I am not a hoarder.

Getting a divorce at age of 57 is one way to declutter and downsize🤷‍♀️🙄. But hugely stressful…not the divorce…the moving house. My new house was bought with “aging in place” in mind, dormer bungalow with downstairs bed and bathroom. But it’s been a massive disasterous money sink - despite good survey. I’m still, 5 years later uncovering issues that a basic habitable house shouldn’t have.

so moving isn’t easy…ven at my age..and especially when your on your own

however, My mum died at 60, my grandmother at 56, so having outlived them both have a morbid fixation on having limited time left , or healthy time left…and take all the preparation for dying, getting ill and death very serious. My two dc rather roll their eyes 🤣. Yep, declutterred . Yep Will and LPOA, and guide to my death/mental incapacity re managing finances all done.

however, that’s the easy bit…. I’ve learnt a few things along the way around getting old with both my parents. one of those is how expensive care homes are, and secondly how fast you can get to point of needing care home, when it’s too late to prevent it with other course of action.

a really scary statistic, that just isn’t widely known is how many women go into care homes purely because of issues managing incontinence, persistent UTIs and intimate care. Not because of other stuff. Way in excess of men for same reasons. Part of it is we get more UTI/ incontinence issues, due to physiology, but also because were more vulnerable to dealing with care workers in our on homes- particularly as it’s been hard to say no male carer.

it costs around £4000-6000, to put in a automatic bidet toilet into a home. That’s a lot of money…but it’s probably less than 6 weeks care home fees. Worth spending on if you get even just 3 more months in your home 🤷‍♀️. It makes me cross we don’t provide government grants or cheap loans to enable these adaptations..

This is all part of “ universal design” concepts in the home. Even a bungalow isn’t a guarantee of being able to stay in your own home, it’s about the whole raft of building into houses non standard ( eg male standard 5”10 high, male strength) features…wider doors, threshold less doors, walk in showers with grab rails right round BEFORE you need it when you get your bathroom next refitted…adding 2 handrails on stairs not one. Don’t wait till someone falls…prevent the falls in first place. Having kitchen with a few lower worktops, or height adjustable hob ( same mechanism as height adjustable table so not something out of tomorrow’s world- Bowden been selling for years)

even simple technology still costs…I have SIRI and Apple Watch…that has fall alert but means I can make external ,emergency call from a heap on floor. I have ring doorbell to talk to people at door without having to rush to answer, etc etc… I use these devices already to remind me for my meds, bin day, appointments . but so many can’t afford this, and so many in need who are in 80/90s won’t know how to use. Technology could take us further still…but it’s being advocated for toys, games, porn ( yep, sadly most tech advances come out of defence industry, gaming industries or porn industry) and no drive to make it work for universal design, to keep elderly in their homes longer

moving house costs older people. In money and stress. It also doesn’t solve a lot of issues. It’s better use in many cases to spend money on adapting homes, before those adaptations are needed.

Bit concerned about the idea that moving could cost 60k. Surely not. Solicitors, estate agent fees and movers and maybe stamp duty I guess. What have I missed?

Putting money aside for curtains, carpets etc and there is nearly always work needed on the new house unless it's a new build.

Having seen it with both sets of parents who made no provisions and thought they were invincible until old age came and smacked them round the face, we are already making plans so that we can prepare as best we can and be the least hassle to our only son, both when alive and dead, as he’s an only child, the entire burden will fall on him!

We’re planning to downsize our home to either a bungalow or over 55 flat, already starting to declutter 40+ years of accumulated possessions, organising our finances to be simple, ie consolidate lots of random bank accounts stand investments and document it all, along with wills, house deeds, etc.

My parents have been super-sensible. They lived in a 6 bed Victorian villa for 40 years. My siblings and I settled far away from there so they had no local family. In their mid-70s while still fully fit, they emptied it, moved to a bungalow a mile away from me with a doctor on the same road and hospital 15 minutes away. All their paperwork is in order and I pretty much know what I am doing if I have to take over. Since they moved, mum's had to have a pacemaker and both cataracts done and dad's been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. If they hadn't moved when they did, I don't think they'd be able to now. We'd be trying to support them in that massive house 6 hours away.

I'm determined that I will make similarly sensible choices for my own DS.

DH's parents are younger than mine, but no sign of any sensible decisions yet...

Lots of opinions here. The one thing I would say is if you are unprepared to move/downsize/find more suitable accommodation PLEASE DECLUTTER.

I already know that once our mother is no longer able to live in her home of 60 plus years it will take forever to sort her stuff out. Whilst not a hoarder worthy of a TV show every cupboard, drawer, shelf and garage space are rammed with 60 years of accumulated stuff - plus the added habit of shelves full of storage shelves full of years of BOGOF toiletries/cleaning products. It is essentially a shop. All out of date but she is adamant we cannot clear anything away.

As a few of you have said we have been decluttering for a few years now. Our garage/shed and cellar are empty except for some essential tools and bikes.

Our kitchen stuff all fits in the actual kitchen unlike my mother who has a full kitchen plus a garage full of kitchen stuff. Essentially two kitchens.

She has clothes she has had for years and never worn - labels still in tact. Won’t hear of us getting rid. Even when we say we will likely be nearing 70 before she dies we might not be as able bodied. Doesn’t care. As for the house it is gradually falling apart but she will not have workmen in….well truth be told no local ones will go near she has been so rude over the years. Just declutter people.

Yes I agree op.
Your mil sounds a bit pathetic to be honest.
I’m using up my lotions and potions as I have lots of ‘stuff’.
I’m also selling things on Vinted.
We did downsize a few years ago although not to a bungalow or a house suitable for wheelchairs etc.
It’s not pleasant having to clear out someone else’s house. I remember a friend of mine filling 4 skips when she helped her parents move. They were both still alive too so I can’t imagine how hard it is to empty a full house.

This must include stamp duty, which is very area dependent. We moved a couple of years ago and quotes for removals were between £3.5-5.5k. The solicitor cost in total was about £1.5k? Presumably wouldn’t need to factor in a mortgage fee though as would be paid off by then?

I did notice when my “D”M moved that everything had to be perfect very quickly - new carpets, curtains and decorating. Whereas we’re saving up gradually and doing a room at a time.