Does anyone else find having elderly (and unwell) parents absolutely draining?

[Bluespecs]

To the point that running away or disappearing seems like such an appealing option right now?

I am so envious of my friends, none of them have this issue and all of their parents are either in good health and independent or have passed away quite quickly.

My parents live a 5 min walk from me. Mum is 82 and has Alzheimer's (7 years in so far), breast cancer, can't walk far due to being bent over with osteoporosis and also has issues with her heart. The dementia is working itself in quite deep now but she is otherwise quite happy but it's very much like looking after a toddler these days. She can do very little for herself.

Dad is 84 and actually in really good health but he is miserable from all of mum's issues. He has always been a difficult character but over the last few years has become worse. He is now so very bitter and he is very difficult to deal with at times. He has fallen out with everyone (including neighbours) and has become obsessed with moaning about absolutely everything and everybody. He does not care what he says to us all and can say some very upsetting things. He refuses to acknowledge that he is depressed. It is beyond draining.

We have all the practical stuff in place. Full POA's, Attendance Allowance etc. Mum goes to a day centre two afternoons a week and there is a carer in every day to help shower and dress mum. Mum has had respite care in a local care home but not sure if this is good from her as she came home very confused. And having viewed quite a few local care homes, all with great reviews and ratings, we are not sure what to think of care homes.

But regardless of all the practical stuff it's the emotional turmoil which is so hard on both my sister and I. Watching my lovely mum slowly dying and losing her mind and us having to put up with my dad's constant nasty ways.

I am so tired of it all. I love them both dearly but bloody hell, it is so draining having elderly and unwell parents and the fact that it's dragging out for years is down right depressing. I honestly wasn't prepared for this, all my grandparents died quickly so I never saw my parents struggling with years of caring. I genuinely imagined my parents would go in a similar way.

Does anyone else really struggle watching their parents coming to the end of their lives?

It's exhausting OP - my stepfather passed away very swiftly ( pneumonia) but my mum was in very poor health for 3 years requiring round the clock help. It was exhausting and she was not easy to deal with. When she passed my siblings and I were relieved for her and us. It's one of the last taboos to admit you are glad your parents have died ( we were though we loved them both dearly)

It is such an awful time. You have my upmost sympathy. DHs mum has a long term degenerative condition and has spent months in hospital. His F is basically not on the scene unless he can cause some havoc. Add in sibling battles and it has been so utterly draining. I don’t have any relationship with my own family so we had hoped that DH’s family would be better but it has been so utterly awful I don’t think there is any easy way back from this turmoil.

We are looking after my BiL who has brain cancer and resultant mental health problems, it’s like he has dementia. He is a difficult character and absolutely drove his life into a wall. He has no other family, no money, no home so he is fully dependent on us although we have been lucky enough to find a care home for him which we have to pay for.
My parents are getting older and I can see their health in decline.
It just doesn’t stop. It feels like everything we take a break, the phone rings with another family health drama. Sorry OP.

You have my sympathy OP. We too are in the depths of it and it’s relentless. DH and I have both lost our Dads now, our Mums have between them Alzheimer’s, Dementia, Heart Disease and several other low level diagnoses. We are run ragged trying to do what we can for both alongside our jobs and our own DC. No advice I’m afraid but solidarity.

I see a lot of this through the course of my work, Sometimes I feel lucky that both of my parents passed away after very short illnesses at pretty young ages.

I feel for you @Bluespecs. Living longer isn’t necessarily a good thing for the person nor their loved ones.

It is completely relentless. I would say for me it started 6 years ago, though it's never been as tough as what you are dealing with except for very short horrific patches. It goes on and on though.

I personally feel that the devastating impact on your dad of living 24/7 with a very altered wife he is losing by inches should be considered. Even if it is theoretically a bit early for a nursing home to be considered for her, the fact that it might give him more breathing space should be thought about. A respite stay is very brief and doesn't give a view of what it might be like once someone has settled in. I do agree that they vary a lot though. There is a site near me that has two separately managed homes on the same site. One is OK if not wonderful. The other one I wouldn't ask to look after a gerbil, it was horrific.

I'm really pleased that I'm not in contact with my mother as she's in her 90s and my poor sister has non-stop stress.

I would never expect anyone to look after me. I'm going to dignitas as soon as I can and so I would never look after anyone else apart from my husband which I signed up for when I married him.

You have my sympathy .I'm afraid I would just leave them to it. There's no way I would destroy my life for two elderly people who are going to die anyway.

I’d never cope if I was only five minutes from mine! It’s bad enough being 2-3 hours away and only seeing them occasionally.

It must be so stressful for you.

I think it would be better for everyone if your mum was in a home. She will settle in quickly and will be cared for. You can visit frequently.

Your dad is probably worse than he normally would be because of the stress of dealing with his wife all the time. If he's not been used to any caring responsibilities he's probably feeling bitter about that, too. That doesn't justify his behaviour, but it would be difficult for anyone to live with someone who has dementia and other illnesses.

What about getting a care home for your mum and focusing on visiting her? Would your dad be able to fend for himself?

Sorry, I meant to say that I think the reason your mum would be better in a home is because she's living with a resentful husband right now - she'll have more kindness shown to her in a home than in her own home (when you're not there).

Both DM and DMIL have dementia, while DFIL struggles physically. It's exhausting dealing with them for all kinds of different reasons, but mainly because they just want to be independent and left alone. DH's parents in particular take any offer of help as a huge offence. It's taking a toll on the whole family.

We’ve got three elderly’s, though aren’t the key people for my ILs.

Thank goodness I live at a distance from DM because she would control my life with her appointments- health and social- and need for help with tech. She won’t limit herself to her capacity and insists on carrying on as if she’s independent- which she isn’t.

ILs have an adult son with them, but he has limited organisational capacity and understanding. He’s a god send for some things, but does nothing communication wise. So it all feels a bit fragile.

Don't base your feelings about care homes on short term respite stays. Even elderly people without dementia quite often take a couple of weeks to settle in. A friend manages a home specialised in dementia care and absolutely hates having people in for 1 or 2 weeks respite. As much as she understands that family need the break she is convinced it doesn't help the dementia sufferer as they just get confused and then go back home before they have had a chance to settle in to the routines. Result is the person with dementia gets distressed and anxious so the family delay permanent care home admission when it would actually be in everyone's best interests.

Having been a carer for a short time I can sympathise with his hard and mentally exhausting it is.

Similar here op. Dm 87 with dementia and visually impaired, dad physically well but can’t deal with it mentally. I’m 40 miles away but work, study and have dd11 and 13 to look after. I do have a Dh but he has depression and also needs my support.

it is relentless and I suspect it will get worse. I feel for you - it is a special kind of torture looking after a parent that you’ve already lost.

Df is 94. Clinging onto life in his flat.
No poa in place because he refused and now he’s definitely got some dementia.
Has a carer twice a day and won’t let them do anything.
He retired away from his dc and so we visit when we can, not often enough.
He refuses a cleaner, won’t get a hair cut, needs a shower it’s horrendous.

I don’t want him to die but the only way the stress will stop is if he does.

At one point, I was caring for /supporting my parents whilst dealing with my husband's health issues. Mum's health conditions were exactly the same as your mum's, OP.

I was working full time in a school in a middle management position.

I used to joke to a cousin that I fantasised about running away to London, renting a grotty bedsit and getting a job on a market stall.

I understand OP. I am so tired that I don’t know where to put myself My Dad is 88. Each year that passes brings a new condition, heart failure, prostate cancer, diabetes, cognitive disorders and many more. This brings yet another specialist team and more appointments and investigations. Followed by more medications, more treatments and procedures. He doesn’t listen to specialists. I either have to be there to understand what will happen or if he goes on his own, and I ask what happened, he doesn’t know.

He is widowed from my mum and his second wife. He expects that his care will be undertaken by me. I’m there every day. Added to that several of our children have new babies and need support. I work full time. Sometimes I despair.

Added to this my sibling lives abroad and only has to turn up once a year to receive praise and plaudits for coming all this way for his father. I get no such thanks. Apparently, I am his daughter, and that’s what daughters do.

Huge sympathy OP. DH and I have three living parents between us, aged between 83 and 88 and needing various levels of support (but not nearly as bad as what you're dealing with). I would definitely consider a care home for your mum before the situation becomes unsustainable.

Oh yes I really get it. Both my parents were disabled and ill for a very long time and it is dreadful ! I was an only one too, just terrible having sole responsibility for everything, luckily I had a supportive husband.
Watching them deteriorate before your very eyes knowing that they’re only going to get worse is the worst thing ever. My mum used to say she would be better tomorrow and of course it never came.
The day my mum went into a care home at 92 was a life saver for me which sounds very selfish , but I knew I couldn’t go on much longer, my mum was 91 I was 66 and just retired.
The thing that made me feel better was, I wasn’t being fair to the rest of my family especially DH and DGC I couldn’t spread myself any thinner, and my mental health was shocking.
Mum passed away last year only six months later. But she’d had enough and didn’t want to carry on. Think about dad and yourselves now and get a good care home for your mum. Good luck.

This is modern medicine for you. Too many people living too long with very poor quality of life. And I say that as a nurse of 34 years.
What were your parents’ plans for coping as they aged?
Remember, the needs and wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
A Carehome will ultimately be your salvation. But it will likely need you to step back before that happens.
Sometimes good enough has to do.

Solidarity for you OP.
Similar for me, I'm mid 50s, in the throws of menopause and all the delights that can bring so am having my own medical issues to deal with, 2 kids at 2 different Uni's, working, supporting DH who's DM lives alone and is virtually immobile so helping her out, and my own DM, bed bound with 4 x carers a day and my DF who cares for her 24/7 dealing with all their life administration...blue badge application, wheelchair accessible car, insurances, medical appointments, sorting benefits, liasing with social services, emailing and phoning various departments for her ears/hearing aids, her diabetes, prescriptions, ordering their food, ordering DM's tena pads....gah its never ending. 'D'B sodded off 2 years ago and doesn't see our parents so it's all down to me!

I've reduced my visits to them from 3 days a week to 2 days (afternoons) and had to have counselling to help my mental health.

It's relentless and never ending...she's only 79 and DF 81...I could have YEARS more of it all. 😒

It's so common. I work with elderly people going round doing Attendance Allowance forms and Blue badge and other benefit forms and there are just so many struggling with multiple long term health conditions or old people trying to care for spouses and not in great health themselves and utterly exhausted. It is so sad to see. Many just don't want to ask adult kids for help. many are reluctant to buy in extra help even when they know they can afford it. My best friend has virtually been driven to the edge of a breakdown recently trying to care for her dying dad who has been bedbound for about two years and deal with a very difficult mum. Chatting to another friend this morning who has had to drop her working hours to look after her elderly dad and juggle multiple carers round the clock. So many people struggling. I likely have all this coming with my dad in the next few years but for now all I do for him is take him a couple of dinners a week. we have lost our other three parents all very suddenly with no care to give.

I'm struggling particularly because infirmity has thrown the not-great dynamic of their relationship into sharp relief. Dad was always a dominant personality, always the decision maker. He now has dementia and isn't that person. My mum (physically frail but nothing wrong cognitively) is so utterly helpless and passive and is basically pretending nothing is wrong. It's hard to watch.

My dad is only 76, lives next door, I am an only child.
It's the personality change I find so difficult. He is relatively fit, but won't do anything. Says all his friends are dead (they aren't, some are). My dm died 20 years ago, me and my family are "all he has". I don't want to be! I would prefer him to have a life outwith us, it's such pressure.

When I am old I swear I will never put this pressure on my dc. (I know ppl with dementia etc can't help it) any conversation is hijacked by his stories of yore, which we've heard 100 times before, but we all sit politely and listen. I am menopausal and have such limited patience, then I feel guilty for not being a nice enough daughter...