Does anyone else find having elderly (and unwell) parents absolutely draining?

[Bluespecs]

To the point that running away or disappearing seems like such an appealing option right now?

I am so envious of my friends, none of them have this issue and all of their parents are either in good health and independent or have passed away quite quickly.

My parents live a 5 min walk from me. Mum is 82 and has Alzheimer's (7 years in so far), breast cancer, can't walk far due to being bent over with osteoporosis and also has issues with her heart. The dementia is working itself in quite deep now but she is otherwise quite happy but it's very much like looking after a toddler these days. She can do very little for herself.

Dad is 84 and actually in really good health but he is miserable from all of mum's issues. He has always been a difficult character but over the last few years has become worse. He is now so very bitter and he is very difficult to deal with at times. He has fallen out with everyone (including neighbours) and has become obsessed with moaning about absolutely everything and everybody. He does not care what he says to us all and can say some very upsetting things. He refuses to acknowledge that he is depressed. It is beyond draining.

We have all the practical stuff in place. Full POA's, Attendance Allowance etc. Mum goes to a day centre two afternoons a week and there is a carer in every day to help shower and dress mum. Mum has had respite care in a local care home but not sure if this is good from her as she came home very confused. And having viewed quite a few local care homes, all with great reviews and ratings, we are not sure what to think of care homes.

But regardless of all the practical stuff it's the emotional turmoil which is so hard on both my sister and I. Watching my lovely mum slowly dying and losing her mind and us having to put up with my dad's constant nasty ways.

I am so tired of it all. I love them both dearly but bloody hell, it is so draining having elderly and unwell parents and the fact that it's dragging out for years is down right depressing. I honestly wasn't prepared for this, all my grandparents died quickly so I never saw my parents struggling with years of caring. I genuinely imagined my parents would go in a similar way.

Does anyone else really struggle watching their parents coming to the end of their lives?

My dad is only 76, lives next door, I am an only child.
It's the personality change I find so difficult. He is relatively fit, but won't do anything. Says all his friends are dead (they aren't, some are). My dm died 20 years ago, me and my family are "all he has". I don't want to be! I would prefer him to have a life outwith us, it's such pressure.

When I am old I swear I will never put this pressure on my dc. (I know ppl with dementia etc can't help it) any conversation is hijacked by his stories of yore, which we've heard 100 times before, but we all sit politely and listen. I am menopausal and have such limited patience, then I feel guilty for not being a nice enough daughter...

My dad is only 76, lives next door, I am an only child.
It's the personality change I find so difficult. He is relatively fit, but won't do anything. Says all his friends are dead (they aren't, some are). My dm died 20 years ago, me and my family are "all he has". I don't want to be! I would prefer him to have a life outwith us, it's such pressure.

When I am old I swear I will never put this pressure on my dc. (I know ppl with dementia etc can't help it) any conversation is hijacked by his stories of yore, which we've heard 100 times before, but we all sit politely and listen. I am menopausal and have such limited patience, then I feel guilty for not being a nice enough daughter...

My dad is only 76, lives next door, I am an only child.
It's the personality change I find so difficult. He is relatively fit, but won't do anything. Says all his friends are dead (they aren't, some are). My dm died 20 years ago, me and my family are "all he has". I don't want to be! I would prefer him to have a life outwith us, it's such pressure.

When I am old I swear I will never put this pressure on my dc. (I know ppl with dementia etc can't help it) any conversation is hijacked by his stories of yore, which we've heard 100 times before, but we all sit politely and listen. I am menopausal and have such limited patience, then I feel guilty for not being a nice enough daughter...

I pray every night my mum doesn't wake up the next morning, sounds horrible doesn't it, but there's only a body left mum is gone. I'm getting numerous phonecalls daily and trying to clear out her house so it can be put up for sale for the nursing home. It feels neverending I thought for us a nursing home would be less stress so far it's not been that way.

I was still getting calls even when I was intensive care recently. Her social worker was not impressed I could not attend her care meeting or was not visiting her ...

@ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs I'm an only child too and totally get it. The social worker asked me why I was an only child and why we had no other family 😞

Looking after a parent you have already lost, that really is it in a nutshell.

This is my dad to a T. It took years for him to agree to POA's, then another year or so to agree for the carer to come in every morning. Further pushing for him to say yes to the day centre, the respite was another battle and now he is totally resistant to mum going into a care home.

He too refuses help at every step.

It is beyond draining and sadly, I agree with your last sentence and hate myself for it.

You have my every sympathy it's horrible OP.

I really feel for you. This is very much my life too. My dad naturally expects his daughters to be there all the time for him. He never once cared for either of his parents and when my grandmother was widowed and alone he visited her once a week at the most. I am at my parents 5 days a week (was 7 but I have taken back some time for myself).

I don't think he realises how fortunate he is to have two daughters to help. There is never a GP or hospital appointment that I don't attend with them (and there are lots due to mum's health issues). I often point out to him all the elderly people there on their own. He really does not appreciate it at all. It's very frustrating.

I totally agree.

My parents have never put anything in place for their older years. They have hundreds of thousands invested and my dad refuses to spend any of it. It is like pulling teeth just to get him to agree to buy mum new clothes as she has put on so much weight from her breast cancer meds.

He believes because he is elderly and worked from the age of 14 the state should look after them. He is refusing to consider a care home full time, mainly as he doesn't want to be alone but also because he doesn't want to pay out for the fees.

I really feel for you. Very much like my own life. Menopause, an exacerbation of existing health issues (probably brought on by the stress of everything), teens at home etc is all bad enough to deal with but elderly and terminally ill parents on top is just enough to break anyone.

I really feel that I need some counselling too. I feel this is going to drive me insane eventually.

I have this with dmum.
I'm just sorting out daily carers. Went away for a week and she has forgotten how a dosset box works so hasn't taken her tablets......
2 weeks ago was fine with carers twice a week.

I feel for you. It's hard enough with my sister onboard. I am not sure if I could cope on my own. I am in menopausal too, it truly is enough to drive you to insanity, isn't it?

I say the same, there is no way I will put any of this pressure on my dc. In fact, I would rather they move to another country than to look after me or dh.

I totally understand. We wouldn't be living with our beloved pets suffering in this way.

I worry about mum going into care too. I know my dad and he will not visit much, it will be a case of out of sight out of mind, my sister will be the same as she is very much like my dad. It will be down to me to do all the visiting. I dread it tbh.

I understand entirely.

How long until your mother will require palliative care?

I don’t think you or your father will be able to cope for much longer.

I think it is getting to the point that mum will need care long term soon but dad is very resistant as he doesn't want to spend out the money. He resents the day centre fees, he says care home fees are extortion and can't see why they should pay when he's worked all his life.

It is a constant battle.

This makes me so angry, as it does you I'm sure. Have you outright asked him what he's saving it for? I get that people have a mindset of not spending their money, but this is the rainy day.

My Dad was 83 when I lost him. His decline had been slow but painful over the 2 years beforehand, and even though he died 2 years ago, I'm still putting myself back together again. I've never known physical and mental exhaustion like it. What I learned is this:
Get care in early - even if once daily for washing/dressing only. Change causes worry, and the sooner this becomes familiar the better.
Get a cleaner/gardener in - and don't spend your precious days off doing it.
Get a social worker on board - they're invaluable
Stop all the relentless and futile hospital outpatient appointments, inform the GP that they're taking on their sole care. This simple one step improved Dad's quality of life (and mine) no end.

Get a pharmacy/medication review regularly. Alot of elderly poor health is caused by unnecessary medication.
Set your boundaries at the start, and stick to them.

I miss my Dad with every fibre of my being, but I don't miss what my life became in his last months of life.

You got my sympathies. This is why I will make sure to contact Dignitas as soon as I get a health condition that will get worse. Wouldn't want to live as a vegetable and I wouldn't want my dc to be miserable and feeling pressure to help me out.

@Cognacsoft @Bluespecs I hate to say it but I've had the same thoughts about my parents too. I hate myself for thinking it too but the stress and worry sometimes is utterly overwhelming!

I am fortunate in that mother is 88 and only started to become frail about a year ago and is still pretty with it Al eit she has become a lady of 88 rather than a lady of 87 who had the physical and mental capacity of someone much younger. Step is 80 and not as fit. Fortunately I am 64 with grown up dc and can reduce hours to visit more. They are 100 miles away. It is a terrible thing to say but as mother is now very elderly, once she declines one hopes things will not prevail for too long.

My horror is if she goes before step. I have disliked him since the age of 15 and there will be an expectation that I will look after him. I shall not. If step goes first I suspect she will follow swiftly. She won't cope.

I am an only and there is nobody else.

MIL, a widow, is the same age, has carers go in daily and DH visit for a weekend every three weeks now. 240 miles away. He has sisters but they are abroad and do f a when they come. Being an only has its compensations.

You have my sympathy and solidarity.

My DF is 94. Lives alone 5 mins from me. Although no dementia, very unsteady on his feet and totally housebound. Refuses carers but can still just about wash and dress himself.

I work full time, but see him every day. I ring him in the morning to make sure he’s up. I go after work to make sure he has a hot meal. I do his shopping, his laundry, his cleaning. I take him to all his medical appointments and sort out his finances.

He appreciates nothing.

Everything I do is wrong, he complains about something every day. His aches and pains, items from his shopping, stuff on the television, the jigsaws that I buy him to relieve his boredom. If he wants something, he phones constantly. Doesn’t matter what time of the day or night. If I’m at work and can’t answer, he gives me shit as “he should be my priority, not my job.” He won’t entertain going to a community centre or anywhere else there might be company. He considers that what I do for him is nowhere near enough and has actually said that I should give up my job, move him into my home and look after him full time. This is my duty as a daughter, apparently, but I’ve stuck to my guns and told him that this will never happen and when he needs more than I can give him currently, it’s a nursing home. As such - I’m a shit daughter but I’m totally past caring.

I’ve done this now, alone, day in and day out for nearly 10 years and some nights I get home at half 7/8pm after being up since half 5 that morning and just cry. Some days I cope relatively well, others not at all - but I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I might get flamed for saying this but when he dies eventually die, I will breathe a sigh of relief. Sorry but it’s true. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from doing everything for a cantankerous, miserable and ungrateful man, without a word of thanks as this is what I’m here for and “the young have a duty to look after the old.”

Honestly encourage the POAs. Mum got rapid onset dementia and went downhill in a few weeks. Thanks to her not bothering sorting finances etc out she's left me deep in the shit. The home is getting basically every penny and I'm left financing her clothing, hair and toiletries and a £70 a week top up fee. I can't access any of her money at all even though it's for her needs.

That feeling where you dutifully head to the house or the hospital while your soul flees to the nearest airport with passport and credit card in hand?
100% normal.
Don't worry about it - you've got enough to worry about!
Come join us on the Bad Daughters (+) Bench in the Cockroach Café thread
(+) Other relationships also welcome

Yes ...

I'm only 44 but my parents had me late in life. At this moment I'm dealing with getting two SEN kids correctly diagnosed and supported, an elderly dad (86) who is coming to end of life with all his health issues, and a depressed mum (75) who's bored and frustrated with caring for dad. I work full time too. No surviving siblings to share the load. My hubby is doing his best, but there's only so much he can do. They have carers in in the morning for him, and respite one afternoon per week.

Feeling ya frustration/pain/grief over here. Solidarity sister!