Does anyone else find having elderly (and unwell) parents absolutely draining?

[Bluespecs]

To the point that running away or disappearing seems like such an appealing option right now?

I am so envious of my friends, none of them have this issue and all of their parents are either in good health and independent or have passed away quite quickly.

My parents live a 5 min walk from me. Mum is 82 and has Alzheimer's (7 years in so far), breast cancer, can't walk far due to being bent over with osteoporosis and also has issues with her heart. The dementia is working itself in quite deep now but she is otherwise quite happy but it's very much like looking after a toddler these days. She can do very little for herself.

Dad is 84 and actually in really good health but he is miserable from all of mum's issues. He has always been a difficult character but over the last few years has become worse. He is now so very bitter and he is very difficult to deal with at times. He has fallen out with everyone (including neighbours) and has become obsessed with moaning about absolutely everything and everybody. He does not care what he says to us all and can say some very upsetting things. He refuses to acknowledge that he is depressed. It is beyond draining.

We have all the practical stuff in place. Full POA's, Attendance Allowance etc. Mum goes to a day centre two afternoons a week and there is a carer in every day to help shower and dress mum. Mum has had respite care in a local care home but not sure if this is good from her as she came home very confused. And having viewed quite a few local care homes, all with great reviews and ratings, we are not sure what to think of care homes.

But regardless of all the practical stuff it's the emotional turmoil which is so hard on both my sister and I. Watching my lovely mum slowly dying and losing her mind and us having to put up with my dad's constant nasty ways.

I am so tired of it all. I love them both dearly but bloody hell, it is so draining having elderly and unwell parents and the fact that it's dragging out for years is down right depressing. I honestly wasn't prepared for this, all my grandparents died quickly so I never saw my parents struggling with years of caring. I genuinely imagined my parents would go in a similar way.

Does anyone else really struggle watching their parents coming to the end of their lives?

I totally hear you and know exactly how you are feeling, it is thankless and relentless.

My dad sounds exactly like yours, has zero idea of the impact that it causes me and thinks all my physical issues from which I am greatly suffering from these days are down to stress from my dc. My dc do not cause me much stress, he can not or will not see that it is from the stress of caring for mum and pandering to his every whim.

I have been so unwell these last few years and my husband tells me that I won't get better until they have both gone which makes me feel so sad because I agree with him and know deep down that is true. I took Thursday and Friday 'off' from seeing them this week and felt so much better. Saw them yesterday and feel dreadful today.

We didn't sign up for this, did we?

I really do feel for you.

Not in your situation OP but do have eldery FIL and mum. They're both quite upbeat but there's also times where talking about their health is draining - it must be hard when you have an actual caring role. Sharing how you feel with others is generally healthy and helpful. Sending strength to all carers. 💖

Yes.

MIL's last few years were way the most stressful period of our lives. When I hear sanctimonious people say 'Oh, we in Britain are so awful. We just dump our old people in care homes. The families should look after them!' I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Who do they think is doing it?

Just because your mum was confused by a short visit to a care home I wouldn't rule it out. Once she is settled there permanently things will calm down, and it will free you to cope with your father. My mum was very happy in her care home, and it transformed my father's life.

It's an awful thing to say but when I hear that a friend's parent has died suddenly I just think 'Lucky them, and lucky you!'

Our SIL from abroad behaves very similarly with the level of care MIL gets.

Nothing we do is enough for MIL according to her and she comes home for short stints martyrs herself beyond anything humanly possible to sustain and then uses her interactions as the goals the rest of us should achieve in her absence. MIL doesn’t do what your father does but she doesn’t need to because SIL acts as her whip to beat everyone with.

It is like being in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship when you are dealing with these sorts.

Yes, just yes. Had enough- tick. Want to be somewhere else- tick. MIL has advanced Alzheimer’s, FIL is a disgusting, massively overweight, lazy slob who delights in being touched and cleaned. I would go to the end of the earth for MIL but she doesn’t know who I am and she hates us all. It’s so hard. We both work 50+hrs per week in stressful jobs where they say people matter, but really they don’t care unless you don’t perform and then you’re sacked. DD is doing her A-levels so she’s stressed and utterly vile, and honestly it’s all too much. When do we get to matter enough to stop and breathe?

Sorry, had a bottle of wine to myself this afternoon because I’ve had enough, I’m not supposed to drink at all because I’m on beta blockers for an arrhythmia but I am at the end of the rope.MIL never anticipated being ill, and FIL just expected to be cared for by the family. If nothing else I have learned to not expect to dump my ageing issues on DC.

@SockFluffInTheBath

@sockfluffinthebath at least you can't be summoned as you can't drive. I confess when FIL was at his most obstroporous we used to have an alcohol free beer as soon as we'd finished work so we could say "sorry been drinking beer" if it wasn't urgent but could still react if it was a real emergency.

Yes, absolutely and utterly mentally and physically draining being called on constantly for people who are declining slowly and not willing to help themselves and seeing problems in every solution.😞. Sending you hugs and solidarity ❤️ .

@sockfluffinthebath sending hugs to you too ❤️. That all sounds so stressful! Like yourself, I have vowed never to dump my ageing issues on my DC.

I mean this kindly, sorry if it comes across otherwise.

But those of you saying you visit your elderly folk several times a week even though you are finding it really stressful and you feel resentment because they don't appreciate it or didn't do it for their own parents, why do you continue?

I realise now that I was relatively lucky that my own mother died fairly young (76) and quickly so my sibling and I didn't have this situation - and our father lives overseas. I do have in laws and I see how they are never happy with the support they get, yet they provided very little for their own elderly parents.

We live a few hours away from them so do a lot when we visit but that's only every couple of months. My SIL lives nearby but she has established strong boundaries for the sake of her mental health and has employed carers to visit them daily (they pay). It sounds like some of you need to step back also.

God very draining. We had our sick dad for years. My mam is 84 but negative and too much time on her hands. Health good. Very tiring though. I get pissy comments u wont have her forever but they havent clue as they hadnt years of it! I met a friend yest no sooner had one parent passed the other got into bad health. Endless

Your right Twiglets. Think years ago different my mam didnt work. Ive 2 siblings we all try to help. Of course location a factor too for visits

Probably easy to step back when you don’t live next door and have the visiting and live-in carers banging on your door, and ringing day and night because one has fallen over and the other one won’t eat their lunch. I mean that kindly of course.

I really feel for you, it is so tough, I am sorry you are going through this. I totally understand. I've eaten my weight in chocolate today through depression, had a big argument with my sister yesterday over all of this.

I do it for my mum tbh, she was such a lovely mum and my best friend. It breaks my heart to see her struggle with so many diseases which are slowly eating her away. My dad has always been hard work but it's my mum I really go to see, she probably won't be with us for many more years.

I hear you.

My mum is 90. My older, single unmarried sister lives with her and cares for her. but my brother and I cover the 3 days when my sister is at work. I also care for my son at home, who is only 21 but has severe mental illness and leukaemia. My husband's mother is 84 and lives round the corner. He's there every evening and often at the weekends, because she's alone and has really poor health. His dad passed away in 2023 at 90, after having 18 years of declining health due to a stroke.

My father passed away at 80 after a short illness, and with all his mental faculties intact. I'm so, so grateful I didn't have to see him lose his independence. My mother is so loving, but is very depressed and frail now. She hates being disabled.

Caring is very, very tough. :-(

Your comment made me gasp out loud. Unbelievably callous.

I understand you love your mum and only want what is best for her. But you have to also prioritise your own health and happiness.

You don't appear to have such a good relationship with your Dad. I would try to reduce the emotional strain of trying to look after him and be the perfect daughter.

It also sounds like your mum could settle in a care home and if she has Alzheimer's, would she even notice if he wasn't visiting her? You would know she was safe and her needs being met.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I hear you.
I was NC with my dad, so once he died last year, I chose to try and build a relationship with my mum. It has shocked me how he left her in such a mess. She knows nothing about their finances. My brothers have POA and are executors. I do not, because dad was a misogynist. They have ground to a halt and she has no idea how much money she has. She is 81, physically disabled, living on her own in our childhood home, which is large and falling apart around her but she doesn't know if she can afford help and can't do anything for herself, not that my dad was any better judging by the state of the place. So I go over every weekend and am trying to get it sorted, de-mothed, find her an electrician, plumber, cleaner, gardener, window cleaner etc. Every week there is a list of basic household maintenance to be done. My brothers have barely been over in months and when they do, they do nothing productive so until they sort dad's will and get her money sorted, I (and husband) am cleaner, gardener, laundry woman etc.

My husband has massively stepped up, going far beyond what any son in law should be asked to do. He and I were separated for a while, husband had another relationship during that time, which I have moved past. But apparently my brothers haven't and when mum called one out for how little he is doing, he made a disgusting comment about how at least he hadn't been off shagging another 'bird', so I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. My relationship has zero bearing on how little he is doing. If they had been doing their POA work properly, mum wouldn't be in the mess she is in now.

I should start a thread of my own. I am just so tired physically today. I also have a full time, high pressure job, and teens at home, who are being left to themselves far too much while I try and get mum to a place where she can look after herself.

The Dignitas solution sounds tempting, but relies on getting a terminal diagnosis whilst you are still capable of arranging your own trip to Switzerland. Everyone dies of something but for the majority of us it’s not some grand diagnosis, but death by a million paper cuts instead, each new frailty or health issue too insignificant to take note of at the time.

The reality is that most people ultimately are tenacious, clinging on to life in whatever shape they can even if that involves sacrificing their adult DCs or anyone else in their path who can provide help.

I am witnessing it now with my DPs. They have had a great innings DF91 and DM86 without any external help until last month when DM had a fall and the wheels have fallen off the bus spectacularly. Thank goodness we live in Scotland where DM gets free carers 4 times a day or goodness knows where they would be. For about the past 5 years they have said “throw us in a home when our time comes, we don’t want to be a burden “ but now when I suggest that they need more help than I can provide what with living an hour away and working full time ( and thank god I have that job otherwise my life would be consumed by them) but no, despite being ridiculously rich, they don’t need any extra help apart from a cleaner once a week. They clearly do as DF is losing his memory, but I am determined to only do what I can, not what they need.

My new mantra is that their independence cannot come at the cost of mine, and yes I do think mine is more important due to my age.

Families are such hard work, I feel your pain.

I need to memorise that mantra before my parents destroy my life.

My mum, at 90, lost all interest in
life and quickly became frail and immobile as a result. She and my dad refused any external help (like carers) so the burden fell mostly on my dad. And a burden it was as he was practically carrying her up and down the stairs.

It was a relief when she died, tbh.