I am finding helping out elderly and unwell parents is utterly, utterly draining and ruining my life as it currently stands.

[Picklingwalnuts]

I feel awful writing this but I secretly resent my parents atm. I am a bad person to think this, let alone put it into words.

My parents are in their early 80's. They live around the corner from me and I have always been close to them.

In 2018 my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. For the first couple of years things weren't too bad but when Covid and the lockdowns hit my dad kind of went to pieces, all the dementia support networks shut down or became non-existent, there was little outside help for people with dementia. So, during this time I found myself doing a lot more to help and drip, drip, drip without giving it much thought as it happened so slowly I found myself doing more and more for them and it is completely and utterly draining.

I have my own family (two teens), a dh, and my own life that I somehow need to find time for. I have some chronic health issues (which have been greatly exacerbated with the stress of caring for elderly parents) and I am smack bang in perimenopause which I could seriously do without at this time of my life.

Admittedly, I have taken a bit of a backseat from the things I was doing a few years ago but I am still round theirs 4-5 times a week. There always seems to be something that needs doing and dad refuses to pay out any more than the one hour per day carer who comes in to help shower and dress mum in the mornings (mums AA pays for the majority of this though). If he wants to go food shopping or pop out somewhere he relies on me or my sister to sit with mum so he can do this. He will not pay for a sit in service and resents paying out for any extra help even though he has hundreds of thousands in the bank (I understand that he is anxious to keep hold of this should mum need to go into a care home, I get that). My sister does all the housework (I refuse to do this as they have the money for a cleaner) but I still change the bed sheets, change towels (dad would leave them for weeks and weeks), take mum to her day centre twice a week, make her packed lunch, sit with mum so dad can go food shopping, order all mums prescriptions, take mum to hospital and doctors appointments etc....there always seems to be something which needs doing, arranging or sorting out.

I suppose I could have put up with this if it had only lasted a year or two but despite an additional health diagnosis of breast cancer last year my poor old mum keeps on going.

I do feel for my dad, it is completely heartwrenching watching my mum struggle with such a terrible disease like this and become someone I don't recognise and that must be a hundred times worse for my dad but I can't help but resent the fact that he naturally assumes because he has two daughters living close by they should automatically do everything for him.

I lost my job in November, he never once asks me how I am actually surviving without an income. I am currently looking for work and worry how they will cope once I am back working (sister works full time so she can't always be round).

Mum went into respite a few weeks ago to give dad a break but she went down hill and has only just perked up so he is refusing to consider a care home anymore but he will not consider additional care at home either, I have suggested live in carers as they have a huge house which could even have an annexe converted in it but he is refusing to have anyone live in his house. He is simply buying his head in the sand and not looking into the future at all. Mum still recognises us and is quite jolly within herself etc but its 7 years into this disease and she will get much worse but he still won't discuss any future plans.

Is this a common thing for older people to assume their children will automatically step up and care for them in old age? I love them dearly but I never signed up for this, it feels as though it was thrust upon me. One thing it has taught me though and that is the fact I will NEVER expect my dc to look after me, ever.

You have to start saying no OP. Your parents need to pay for care. Draw some boundaries around what you are prepared to do and stick to them. Chat to your sister first so you can present a united front.

Please come and join us on the Cockroach Cafe thread. Many of us are going through similar. It helps to feel you’re not alone.

It’s the new feminist crisis too. Worst one yet if you ask me and fellow sufferers.

It's difficult with my sister because she has always been my dads favourite and she will go with whatever he says, she never wants to rock the boat.

I have started to say no to a lot more these days, I used to take on board everything and made myself unwell a year or two back. I do set more boundaries than I used to but I am still finding it so difficult because of my dad. He has never been an easy person to deal with and has always wanted things his way. Even now when I suggest more carers in or even live in care he gets really stroppy with me and says that I don't understand, it has been his home for 50+ years and that he can not and does not not want people coming and going in it. I try to explain that his circumstances have changed now and sadly we all have to adapt to those changes but he digs his heals in and refuses to talk about it and/or we end up having a heated discussion over it and then my sister takes his side so I end up feeling like the bad guy.

I’m sorry for you. It’s very difficult. It sounds like your own life and wellbeing is being very adversely affected. If you feel it wrong to prioritise yourself, maybe look at it from a conflict of duties perspective. Your first duty is to your husband and kids - maybe you need to accept that you now can’t do both. That’s ok. You’re not superwoman. Also did your parents spend their middle years as you are having to ? Or did they have a normal life? Loving parents want the best for you.

I’ve told my own children that I didn’t have them to give up their happy, healthy (hopefully) 50s and 60s doing eldercare and that I’ll buy in care which failing to stick me in a home if necessary. My feeling is that I will have had my life and I’m not ruining theirs!!

I intend to make early provision for my old age through downsizing, clearing out and funeral planning. I see that as my responsibility as an adult. Too many people stick their heads im the sand and won’t enter into welfare and financial attornies, make wills and plan early enough.

@SilverButton gives good advice there, Op. For your own sake you need to step back.

Yes, it is a common thing for some older people to expect children to care for them. My dad did, as did MIL, even when their ‘need’ was really a want.

If you can, be there to help them organise what they need, but practice saying no, and practice delayed gratification,And do not feel bad about going back to work.

Thank you, I will do. I do feel very alone with this, none of my friends are in this situation, all their parents are well.

Op are you claiming carers allowance, you need to be doing 35 hours of care per week but it sounds like you are. It's not a large amount but might take a little of the financial stress off. It's hard, your going to burn out but it feels like you've little alternative as your dads being stubborn. But as you say, he'll be in denial about how much you're all doing. I don't have an answer for you, but we hear you.

I can totally sympathise with you Op, I've cared for my MIL and then SIL when MIL died. It in no way makes you a bad person for feeling the way you do. You're trying to save the parent/child relationship.

Caring for family members is hard, it's like having a second job or home to run, and it changes the relationship completely.

The hardest thing you have to do is withdraw as much of the care and support you're giving, so that social services need to step in, despite what your dad wants. It's her needs that are important, and your dad doesn't sound like he is managing at all.

Would he consider selling up and moving into a retirement home with her, where carers live on site and they can give support as much as he will allow? Once he accepts regular carers, he might allow them in more to help. My MIL was against moving into assisted living, then had a fall and had to. A few months in and she admitted she wished she'd done it sooner.

Yes, I think it's common for elderly people to increasingly think only of their needs, especially in cases of cognitive decline and dementia. My experience of elderly relatives with cognitive issues is that, much like teenagers, they overestimate their abilities and subsequently assume that you'll pick up the pieces when things go wrong. They don't see you as a separate person with your own needs, so you need to approach this the same way you do with teens. Accept their limitations (which aren't their fault) and communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently. There's no point expecting them to be reasonable and sensitive to your needs.

In my case I decided that I would do certain tasks that I considered necessary and ignored any other requests for wants rather than needs. For me these were managing their finances, ensuring they had food and arranging carer visits to ensure they were clean and safe.

@Picklingwalnuts sending hugs. We sadly are a part of a huge club we didn’t ask to join. It’s an epidemic of oldies not understanding that what they “want “ doesn’t resemble what they “need”. Most have kicked the can down the road for so long and avoided sensible decisions it’s all left on our plate. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

I think part of my resentment is the fact that my parents had none of this at my age. All of my grandparents died quickly, both my parents are only children so by the time they were 60 they both had mass inheritance and were living the life of Riley. Up until very recently they were living a very golden life. I am not, I struggle with my health, I struggle with money and now struggle with elderly parents.

I feel the same as you, I will never expect my kids to care for me. My in-laws were the same and had many things in place, my mil died in 2020 and not once whilst she was dying from cancer did she or my FIL ask my dh or his brother to help them out. My in-laws had a funeral plan since their 50's. My dad simply scoffed at that ideal at the time, thought it was macabre. He still has no funeral plans and will not discuss it either.

I have looked into it but dad says that I should split it with my dsis. I just don't think it's worth claiming tbh especially as I am hoping to get back to work as soon as I can.

Bracing talk coming.

It’s common for parents to get more dependent and needy while also expecting their children to obey them.

It is common for us to continue acting like their children, doing what they want however unreasonable because the power dynamic is in their favour.

Objectively, your dad is being thoughtless, uncaring and selfish.

Have a cold hard think about everything you do; imagine you broke your leg and couldn’t help them. When your dad needs something, instead of you leaping and and doing it say “oh dear dad, what are you planning on doing about that?”. Even if you start by saying it to yourself, it might help you set some boundaries and remind him how very very lucky he is to have you.

You are not a bad person. At all.
Contact Social Services and tell them you can no longer help your parents
Tell them that your mother needs to be assessed for residential care.
Then step back, and stay distant. This is your life - don't waste it!

I’m in the middle of a major health crisis and it has made me realise a lot of things that I would do differently if I had my time again.
I have been looking after my DM for years, she is very independent and my actions have enabled that. My DH and I have put her needs before ours so many times, we should have gone on holidays, enjoyed life, now it might be ending in our early 60s. I have spent a lot of time putting in a support system for my DM over the last 2 weeks instead of concentrating on me, so it goes on.
Over the past 3 years my DSIL and my son’s dear MIL have both died of cancer. The thing that links us all is the stress of looking after elderly parents. Your parents have money, make them use it to care for themselves in a way that helps you. Your family takes precedence and needs you.

Over the last few years I have arranged for SS to come and visit my parents. We have had 3 visits and once they know mum and dad have hundreds of thousands in savings they are not interested. They offer up some advise for private carers and that's it. They don't even bother coming anymore, the last appointment with them was via telephone.

I have found a lovely place opposite the day centre mum attends twice a week. It is an warden-assisted block of flats with a communal area downstairs and meals cooked etc. I suggested to dad they rent out their large house and rent one of these places. He was disgusted that I had even suggested it and said to my dsis he thought it was a terrible idea.

He won't even discuss the possibility of downsizing. They live in a very large house which is 100 years old and has a huge garden, most of the rooms are becoming dusty and damp smelling and the garden is going to become hard work for dad, he is good for 84 but for how long?

It is a constant battle to suggest anything. My dad just wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening. He says on a daily basis that this is not what he had planned for his retirement and everything is ruined. Although not quite sure what he had planned on doing with his life at 84!

Your Dad is being completely selfish, so you need to be too.

'I'm sorry Dad, I can't do this any more. I'll come round once a week to see you but you need to sort paid carers, I've rung a few agencies, here are the quotes, tell me which one you want and I'll sort it out to start next week.'

If he says no, say fine, you'll see him in a week.

I really feel for you. I could have written a lot of your post myself. To my great distress after the last hospital stay my parents refused the free thrice daily care visits as it was too intrusive and they had me! Something just broke and I said No, absolutely not. I've just retired have 6 grandchildren and want to do childcare, gardening and crochet not provide care that they can get free, much as I love them I'm going to have a breakdown if it carries on.

I have done this already but sadly because they have well over the £23,250 threshold SS are not interested at all. They said they can't even suggest a care home, it is something we have to sort out ourselves.

Yes, I think it's common for elderly people to increasingly think only of their needs, especially in cases of cognitive decline and dementia. My experience of elderly relatives with cognitive issues is that, much like teenagers, they overestimate their abilities and subsequently assume that you'll pick up the pieces when things go wrong. They don't see you as a separate person with your own needs, so you need to approach this the same way you do with teens. Accept their limitations (which aren't their fault) and communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently. There's no point expecting them to be reasonable and sensitive to your needs.

^This is great advice. It is you who needs to change because they will not/don’t have the capacity to. Anyway surely it is far easier to change what you are doing than to try to change what someone else is doing.

Thank you. I am sorry that you are in a similar position. I wish you well with your health.

Dear OP, totally second what @redphonecase says. I have seen a colleague go through what you are and it pretty much broke her all because her dad refused help. It's a pride thing. That generation has done everything themselves or relied on their children to help with. But these are different times and totally different circumstances so external help is very much needed. You can't be pushed and pulled in so many directions just because of his pride. A very big hug to you

Good on you. I really do need to do this too.

I hope you have many contented years doing all of those lovely things.

I am desperate to change things. I know someone who cared for her mother 24/7. The mum died a few months ago and the daughter is now in hospital having suffered a mental breakdown. It does truly break some people.