I am finding helping out elderly and unwell parents is utterly, utterly draining and ruining my life as it currently stands.

[Picklingwalnuts]

I feel awful writing this but I secretly resent my parents atm. I am a bad person to think this, let alone put it into words.

My parents are in their early 80's. They live around the corner from me and I have always been close to them.

In 2018 my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. For the first couple of years things weren't too bad but when Covid and the lockdowns hit my dad kind of went to pieces, all the dementia support networks shut down or became non-existent, there was little outside help for people with dementia. So, during this time I found myself doing a lot more to help and drip, drip, drip without giving it much thought as it happened so slowly I found myself doing more and more for them and it is completely and utterly draining.

I have my own family (two teens), a dh, and my own life that I somehow need to find time for. I have some chronic health issues (which have been greatly exacerbated with the stress of caring for elderly parents) and I am smack bang in perimenopause which I could seriously do without at this time of my life.

Admittedly, I have taken a bit of a backseat from the things I was doing a few years ago but I am still round theirs 4-5 times a week. There always seems to be something that needs doing and dad refuses to pay out any more than the one hour per day carer who comes in to help shower and dress mum in the mornings (mums AA pays for the majority of this though). If he wants to go food shopping or pop out somewhere he relies on me or my sister to sit with mum so he can do this. He will not pay for a sit in service and resents paying out for any extra help even though he has hundreds of thousands in the bank (I understand that he is anxious to keep hold of this should mum need to go into a care home, I get that). My sister does all the housework (I refuse to do this as they have the money for a cleaner) but I still change the bed sheets, change towels (dad would leave them for weeks and weeks), take mum to her day centre twice a week, make her packed lunch, sit with mum so dad can go food shopping, order all mums prescriptions, take mum to hospital and doctors appointments etc....there always seems to be something which needs doing, arranging or sorting out.

I suppose I could have put up with this if it had only lasted a year or two but despite an additional health diagnosis of breast cancer last year my poor old mum keeps on going.

I do feel for my dad, it is completely heartwrenching watching my mum struggle with such a terrible disease like this and become someone I don't recognise and that must be a hundred times worse for my dad but I can't help but resent the fact that he naturally assumes because he has two daughters living close by they should automatically do everything for him.

I lost my job in November, he never once asks me how I am actually surviving without an income. I am currently looking for work and worry how they will cope once I am back working (sister works full time so she can't always be round).

Mum went into respite a few weeks ago to give dad a break but she went down hill and has only just perked up so he is refusing to consider a care home anymore but he will not consider additional care at home either, I have suggested live in carers as they have a huge house which could even have an annexe converted in it but he is refusing to have anyone live in his house. He is simply buying his head in the sand and not looking into the future at all. Mum still recognises us and is quite jolly within herself etc but its 7 years into this disease and she will get much worse but he still won't discuss any future plans.

Is this a common thing for older people to assume their children will automatically step up and care for them in old age? I love them dearly but I never signed up for this, it feels as though it was thrust upon me. One thing it has taught me though and that is the fact I will NEVER expect my dc to look after me, ever.

Are you the poster who keep posting about her Dad who won’t pay for Mum to go the day care centre more often?

What everyone else said - and just to add: you are not a bad person for thinking all this. You're a human being too not just a service robot! And you have your kids and husband to consider as well.

I've been there, as hard as it is, you and your sister have to step back and let something go wrong then tell Dad he has to get help and it's not negotiable. There becomes a time when nearly everyone with dementia needs outside help. My MIL is now in a care home and the night she moved in, was the first night we actually had a full night's sleep in about 3 years.

I've posted once before about my parents but it was mainly about him not agreeing to the carer coming in to help wash mum. He's happy for her to go to the day centre twice a week.

That's half the issue, my sister won't get onboard. She will still do all their cleaning and then secretly resents doing it but she won't say anything to my dad's face.

We persuaded dad to agree to respite a few weeks ago. Found a lovely home and dad agreed to 4 nights but mum came home very confused and it took days for her to return to her normal self. He's now refusing point blank to any care home situation so I'm trying to get him to see that more care in the home is the way forward atm.

This is what I find so draining, he will eventually agree to certain things but it's takes months, even years of him constantly saying no first. It's such hard work.

I'd say two things -

1. Plan to take a month off elderly care and focus on job hunting. A weekly call to them only.
2. Talk to your sister.

I'd say as long as you and your sister are on such different pages you will feel too guilty to step back. Right now your joint support means that your dad can do all this. Only if you step back will he have to think again. But rn if you do that your sister will step up and there will be no change, except that your sister will be furious.

I'm not suggesting that you ask your sister's permission, but talk to her and explain what you're planning to do and that you actually would prefer it if she took the time off too. See if you can persuade her to join you.

There are some options, as you know, but they aren't options your dad currently has to accept, because he is leaning much too heavily on you both.

When my PILs were in a very similar position a few years ago, and things were reaching breaking point as MIL's dementia got worse and her need for support ramped up, my SIL and I sat FIL down and said very firmly, 'Things can't carry on like this. You need much more support and what we are going to do is organise carers to come in every day to help you.' He took it surprisingly well once he saw that we were very determined. Maybe if you and DSIS take a very firm approach with your DF he might accept changes that will take some of the burden from you. I hope so

That is so easy to say & in reality social services will do nothing. The help is just not there. I'm an only child, early 60s & I live over 200 miles from my parents. My DM died with vascular dementia in Dec 2023 & my Dad who is now 92 has struggled enormously & is now on end of life care. This is Day 16 of no food and drink. Getting support & doing all the admin has been my second job in all this time. I work fulltime & I really want my life back.

Sounds to me like it is your sister you need to be firm with first. If she won't change, you can still make it clear you will be cutting back on the care you give.

As for your dad, have you tried writing him a letter or email putting your points and reasons across? Sometimes this can be more effective than a conversation where the other person constantly responds back and doesn't fully listen to what you say.

Whatever, you need to be clear with yourself what you can and can't/ won't do, let them know and stick to it, regardless of any emotional manipulation. You can then reiterate your boundaries until they are accepted. I understand it's hard but it's the only way forward.

Now that your dad has said that your mum will never be going into a home, why isn't he prepared to spend any of the hundreds of thousands of pounds that he has in the bank on daily carers that would come to the house? What does he need all that money for?

He is treating you dreadfully and you shouldn't let guilt stop you from putting an end to this. He isn't entitled to have you as a full-time unpaid carer. He can't even be bothered to be pleasant to you.

Step right back. Leave it up to your dad and your sister. Your relationship with them both is broken anyway, so you have nothing to lose.

I've just remembered your previous posts. You were doing everything and your sister did nothing and she seems to have stepped up more now.

The issue is your dad. The money that they have in the bank is from your mum's inheritance but your dad refuses to spend any of it on her care as he wants to keep/hoard it for himself.

He is abusive towards your mum and you. You do need to step back.

They are your parents but that doesn't mean you have to be their mug. My dad was similar. Let me pay, out of my part time salary, for a cleaner for them when unbeknown to me, he had over a million in the bank.

You need to be very blunt with them. Say your health has deteriorated and for the foreseeable future you won't be able to help. Discuss this with your sister do she doesn't feel dumped on, but be firm with her too and explain you can't keep this routine up anymore.

Set up some appointments with daytime dementia carers snd tell your dad he'll need to start paying for them.

Don't be guilt-tripped. If he tries, say, 'Don't you care about my health?' Or, 'I am not free that day. I have obligations with the children.' Maybe create one event a week - Sunday lunch together or similar, do you maintain loving close contact at a level you can manage.

I watched my dear MIL drive herself into an early grave as she spent years caring for her FIL, MIL then her own parents. She took it all on, refusing help from others. All out of a sense of duty. She died soon after at 75.

I watched my own dm put her stepmother’s wants and needs before everyone else, including her own dc and husband. All out of a sense of duty to her late father.

My DM is now in her mid 8Os herself and has had health scares. I have made it very clear to both mum and my sister that I will do what I can but it will be limited. I have also been clear that either carers come in if needed or mum moves into a care home. I live 2 hours away, I will not be running back and forth several times a week.

I have had to be firm because I will not sacrifice my family life with my DH and teens. Nor will I sacrifice my own physical and mental health.

I sort and attend all hospital and GP appointments. I have thrown money at the situation with safety alarms, equipment, safer furniture etc. I am happy to arrange online shopping and pay bills online.

@Picklingwalnutsyou have had some good advice on this thread. I would strongly suggest that today is the day to grab a piece of paper and pen and write a list of what you can do and what you can’t. What you are willing to do. What is simply not possible. Then have a very good think about that list and how much is influenced by guilt and a sense of duty. Then rewrite it put yourself in the centre.

Someone else posted about this being the next feminist crisis. So true.

Honestly, all these elderly people with thousands and thousands, even hundreds of thousands in the bank (I have one similar but I refuse to do anything but the most basic) but want their adult children to skivvy for them for free when their children have poor financial resources, ill health or major responsibilities themselves (sometimes all three) … I have no words.😶

Just say no, OP.

OP, I really feel you. This is a very hard life stage, and I am still recovering from its impact on me. My parents also refused all help, often very rudely, their home of 50 years going damp and filthy round them, health deteriorating, my dad masking the extent of my mum's dementia and mobility issues and what was clearly his own alcholism. They had money but wouldn't pay for any help. Were rude and abrasive whenever I tried to put anything in place for them, took umbrage if I cleaned because of the implications their house was dirty (it was!!), kept saying 'they didn't want to be a burden' but ended up being a huge burden!!No planning in place for anything. Refused to consider downsizing, even though I offered to do everything, and even though by that point my mum couldn't wash or go to the toilet safely in their totally unsuitable house.
And then there was a crisis, my dad went into hospital, lost all mental capacity and my mum was left unable to do a thing for herself, she needed live in care, my sister's mental health issues went into a dark spiral so I took it all on, months at a time away from my family to be the live-in carer, my job suffered, my marriage, my mental health. My mum kept saying 'you never expect something this to happen' but by that point they were in their early 90s, what did think would happen!!!!

The experience pretty much broke me. I am having therapy now, as the whole experience was a wrecking ball in my life, and also brought up a lot of shit from childhood. Even writing this down, brings it back and a lot of anger that they were so selfish, and also that I was such a people-pleaser I felt I had to do it. Put your boundaries in place now, OP, because it only gets worse. You owe it to your own kids, your husband and yourself to say no and step away - your parents can pay for help. If they refuse, then that's a choice they have made. You can only give what you can give, so put boundaries in and be at peace with them.

It is common for us to continue acting like their children, doing what they want however unreasonable because the power dynamic is in their favour - insightful

They will if no one else is there. They won't while you're doing it all for free.

It makes me so cross when its celebrated how long we live now, yes, but 9 times out of 10 thats at the expense of a daughter/in law running themselves ragged!

What I would do in your shoes, talk to your sister, say in Xweeks you will be stopping doing whatever tasks are too much so that she is not dropped in it herself and has time to consider her own position. And then stick to it! They have money to outsource care, and if they didn’t the taxpayer would be picking up the bill. You have given many years, its now time for you to put yourself first.

My poor cousin started looking after her mum when they were 80 and 55ish. They’re now nearly 100 and 75, in poor health but may yet live another couple of years…set your boundaries now, as this could easily be you when your mum finally passes and your dad is on his own.

Is this a common thing for older people to assume their children will automatically step up and care for them in old age?

We had this with MIL. She just couldn't comprehend that we had other things to do, such as work and look after our own young child. I have read a few times that selfishness (not intentionally) is a common trait with dementia/alzheimer sufferers as they know no World outside their own.

With MIL, we'd explain virtually daily that we couldn't spend all day with her, and she'd appear fine with our explanation, but as soon as we were back home, or at work, we'd get the phone call "Where are you, I'm on my own!", literally just five minutes after we'd spent a couple of hours with her, that she'd forgotten. She'd forget to make herself a cup of tea or her breakfast/lunch or even to put on the heating in a morning, and be sat there until one of us turned up. But she'd not even talk about home care or going into a home or respite care as she was convinced she didn't need help, could manage on her own, etc., but literally five minutes later she'd not know what to do and would have forgotten the conversation about care.

I really don't think she purposely expected us to care for her in her lucid moments when we were having rational conversations, but then, literally minutes later, she'd not know what to do, not know how to look after herself, and be phoning us for help, which a few minutes later, she'd forget again.

Men are never expected to compromise their career or health to look after ageing parents - it’s always women. Nobody EVER suggested that my BIL gave up his job as a consultant to look after MIL when her dementia worsened. It was readily accepted by everyone that she needed to go into a home and she had excellent care until her death. I agree that this is the next feminist crisis.

@Picklingwalnuts please don’t wait until you feel completely burnt out. Tell your sister and father that your mother needs more help and you are no longer able to provide this either emotionally or financially. It’s a difficult conversation to have but it has to happen.

It’s very normal for a dementia patient to become more confused when they go into a new home. Your Mum would soon settle in, especially if she has regular family visits. Your father is in the very fortunate position to be able to choose and pay for a nice care home or have full time carers coming in. He’s being completely selfish to expect you and your sister to do everything.

I’ve not had time to read carefully op, so apologies if this has been covered. However reading your list of tasks you end up helping with, it did strike me that if you have teens and you live close by, perhaps they could from time to time sit with your mum or even pick up the groceries? I do understand your desire not to burden your own Dc with crushing care responsiblities but, when not onerous, they are actually a good eye-opener for young people. Of course you don’t want to give them too much of a burden but we can all manage a little contribution to family life. Depending on their ages they may even enjoy the responsibility.