I am finding helping out elderly and unwell parents is utterly, utterly draining and ruining my life as it currently stands.

[Picklingwalnuts]

I feel awful writing this but I secretly resent my parents atm. I am a bad person to think this, let alone put it into words.

My parents are in their early 80's. They live around the corner from me and I have always been close to them.

In 2018 my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. For the first couple of years things weren't too bad but when Covid and the lockdowns hit my dad kind of went to pieces, all the dementia support networks shut down or became non-existent, there was little outside help for people with dementia. So, during this time I found myself doing a lot more to help and drip, drip, drip without giving it much thought as it happened so slowly I found myself doing more and more for them and it is completely and utterly draining.

I have my own family (two teens), a dh, and my own life that I somehow need to find time for. I have some chronic health issues (which have been greatly exacerbated with the stress of caring for elderly parents) and I am smack bang in perimenopause which I could seriously do without at this time of my life.

Admittedly, I have taken a bit of a backseat from the things I was doing a few years ago but I am still round theirs 4-5 times a week. There always seems to be something that needs doing and dad refuses to pay out any more than the one hour per day carer who comes in to help shower and dress mum in the mornings (mums AA pays for the majority of this though). If he wants to go food shopping or pop out somewhere he relies on me or my sister to sit with mum so he can do this. He will not pay for a sit in service and resents paying out for any extra help even though he has hundreds of thousands in the bank (I understand that he is anxious to keep hold of this should mum need to go into a care home, I get that). My sister does all the housework (I refuse to do this as they have the money for a cleaner) but I still change the bed sheets, change towels (dad would leave them for weeks and weeks), take mum to her day centre twice a week, make her packed lunch, sit with mum so dad can go food shopping, order all mums prescriptions, take mum to hospital and doctors appointments etc....there always seems to be something which needs doing, arranging or sorting out.

I suppose I could have put up with this if it had only lasted a year or two but despite an additional health diagnosis of breast cancer last year my poor old mum keeps on going.

I do feel for my dad, it is completely heartwrenching watching my mum struggle with such a terrible disease like this and become someone I don't recognise and that must be a hundred times worse for my dad but I can't help but resent the fact that he naturally assumes because he has two daughters living close by they should automatically do everything for him.

I lost my job in November, he never once asks me how I am actually surviving without an income. I am currently looking for work and worry how they will cope once I am back working (sister works full time so she can't always be round).

Mum went into respite a few weeks ago to give dad a break but she went down hill and has only just perked up so he is refusing to consider a care home anymore but he will not consider additional care at home either, I have suggested live in carers as they have a huge house which could even have an annexe converted in it but he is refusing to have anyone live in his house. He is simply buying his head in the sand and not looking into the future at all. Mum still recognises us and is quite jolly within herself etc but its 7 years into this disease and she will get much worse but he still won't discuss any future plans.

Is this a common thing for older people to assume their children will automatically step up and care for them in old age? I love them dearly but I never signed up for this, it feels as though it was thrust upon me. One thing it has taught me though and that is the fact I will NEVER expect my dc to look after me, ever.

You've got some good advice on here OP. TBH I could have written most of your post in relation to how this is all making you feel. I had to have counselling last year which helped me stop and think about how it has affected me and my life. Boundaries!

I'm 55 and dealt with similar for 4 years. I wake some mornings, worrying that I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I'm currently having tests/scans and shit done because I feel so crap all the time. I swear it's because I'm stressed to the eyeballs with all my parents shit.

I read on someone else's post about guilt and resentment. Every time you do something for your parents...how do you feel about doing it? If you feel resentment then stop. It's better to live with the guilt. I do have to agree with this.

As others have said, you need to learn to say 'no'. Doesn't matter if your DSis continues to do what she does; let her crack on, it's entirely up to her. You have no control over what your DF decides etc so a brutal conversation is needed to be had with him.

I feel for you, I really do. You're not alone OP. It's beyond hard. And I swear to God, I will NEVER put my kids through any of this. DH and I have made plans to ensure that doesn't happen.

I am so sorry you have been through this, it really does reflect my own life too, especially the childhood issues and the therapy. I had some therapy last year to help me make sense of all of this. I hold quite a bit of anger towards my parents over some things from my childhood. I had some issues as a young child but my parents never thought to help me and even now with my health issues (which my father is more than aware of) he has never once offered to help me yet quite happily excepts the help I offer them. As much as I love them and hate to see them struggle, it is very hard not to harbour this internal resentment.

I am trying very hard to take steps back, you mention the people pleasing thing and this is me to a T so I do find it very hard especially as my sister is always on my dad's side so I feel quite alone in my opinion of it all. My own dh won't speak to him anymore because he feels my dad is being a complete arse and it angers him that he is taking advance but my dsis says my dh is being the arse and can not understand any of it. I am stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to please everyone.

I really do hope the therapy helps you

They don't see you as a separate person with your own needs, so you need to approach this the same way you do with teens.

I think they see the awful things that have befallen them (old age and all that comes with it) as so awful that naturally everyone will happily rally round and do everything they can to help them in their awful plight.
You just have to work out a plan for what suits you and stick to it - you have other responsibilities to prioritise and your DSis can suit herself.
Edit - nothing you do will turn the clock back 20 years which would be the solution to this. It’s v sad but really DF should be making the absolute best of the time he has left -he has the money, it’s his choice. You have your own life.

Make getting a job a priority, then if your Dad calls you about sitting with your Mum, just tell him you’re working.
I wouldn’t change the beds or do anything that a carer and cleaner could do.
If he complains, same story, sorry but you’re working and you think he needs a cleaner and caters for Mum.
Repeat until it sinks in that he will have to spend some of his money, if he wants things done.

Tell your sister that you need to find a job and, when you do, by necessity you will be less available for your parents. Ask her if she would rather take over the tasks you now do or if she wants to work together with you to agree what you two can cover and what you will both have to ask your dad to find outside help for. If she’s already resentful of all the cleaning she isn’t going to want to take on more. And the amount of help your parents need is only going to increase as time goes by.

You need to present a united front to your father with Dsis about what additional help he needs to buy in order to do himself. If he agrees to a cleaner help find a cleaner but never, ever do the cleaning again once she is in situ. Don’t be the backup cleaner.

@Picklingwalnuts it is very typical for a lot of family’s of the generation you are dealing with to have sent messages particularly to daughters that love = your sacrifices. It is also a social conditioning and couple that with the power dynamics of families which typically always flow from parent to child in that generation then that is a lot to unpick. You won’t make changes and get the other members of your family to happily agree.

We have a very bizarre dynamic in our family that couple the caring issues we have a family member abroad with all sorts of ludicrous expectations she wants to impose on the other siblings. It is unbelievably draining and it requires a real mental shift from what you were raised on. Again it is far, far easier to focus to changing yourself than the family dynamics, they won’t change.

My sister is a professional cleaner and has her own business and equipment. I have suggested that we hire a cleaner in once a week to lighten the load but she won't hear of it. I'm leaving that to her, I will not clean the house. My dad is grotty and simply does not see how dirty the house can become.

Your parents sound selfish and horrible tbh honest OP. But even if they were the nicest sweetest people ever, you still don't need to provide care for them. You don't want your children to be in this situation if you need care, so don't treat yourself with less respect!

If you can get your sister on board it'll be easier, but you can do it without her. Get a job. Decide how much time per week you want to spare for your parents without any adverse effects on your family or your own health. Tell your parents "I've got two hours per week on a Saturday morning - how would you like me to spend it?" Stick to this like glue at first. You can be more flexible later if you want, once they are settled into the new carer regime.

If you can't get a job soon, just do this anyway but cite burnout as the reason you're stepping back rather than the new job. If your dad argues, just say, "Dad, I understand that you don't want strangers in. But you are going to have to choose between having strangers caring for mum and having a happy daughter with a happy family, OR a totally broken ruined daughter with a family she has abandoned to do unpaid work for you. What's your choice, darling father who is supposed to love me?"

@Badbadbunny your experience may be true in some cases of course. But I am equally sure sone elderly parents revel in the amount of of money they have and are mean with it, some even enjoying the power it gives them over their adult children For others it may be a case of “do what I want, cos you’ll get an inheritance” even if no such inheritance materialises.

I have no care for their money other than to see it being used for my parent's rainy day and that day has arrived. I left home 25 years ago and I have and never will ask or expect any money from my parents. I could not give a shit about inheritance tbh certainly if it means ruining my own health and sanity just in the hope of getting some at a later date. No thanks.

Thank you @Picklingwalnuts I completely understand that feeling of being pulled in every direction, as that was my experience too. Your DH is right, your dad is being an arse, but it doesn't stop you feeling compelled to want to help.
If you could get your sister on your side, it would be a big help to both of you but I know from experience that sibling relationships can be so very difficult, especially as the decline of parents brings up a lot of deeply buried feelings. Take care of yourself, and know you have done the best you can in very difficult circumstances and it's ok to step back to protect yourself and your family 💐

I am sorry you have been through this too. I hope the tests go well, I totally understand this, I am pretty sure all the stress has caused the exacerbation of my health woes. I came down with a flu-like virus 2 weeks ago and it has floored me, I am still struggling now. Any other time of my life and I would have bounced back from this.

I am definitely holding a lot of resentment now and agree that I need to stop. I have just contacted me sister and asked for her to call me later today, we need to make a list of things we are both prepared to do and those we need to outsource.

And I agree, I will never, ever expect my son and daughter to look after dh and I. I do not want them resenting me.

" I am stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to please everyone."
OP that must stop now. Its impossible.

If sis is working full time she can't receive the payment, you have to earn less than (I think) about £180 per week. It's just gone up slightly.

To be fair, it's not my mum, even if the roles were reversed and my dad was the dementia sufferer she would have taken on board any suggestion we made, she would have been more willing to spend the money but my dad has always been very tight-fisted and ever since receiving the big inheritance many years ago he just became more and more miserly. Galling when the truth is that most of their money is actually my mum's inheritance from her parents but my dad took it upon himself to see it as 'their' money.

I have a job interview this Wednesday and hopefully, if successful I will be less available than I have these last 6 months so it may all be out of my control soon anyhow.

^by the way I’m not suggesting OP’s father is like that; we don’t know him. But there are elderly parents who have a great deal of entitlement and use inheritance to ‘justify’ this. It’s a shame because in a good relationship this would be an irrelevant issue.

He would still expect me to 'share' it with dsis or worse still will expect me to do even more as I am getting payment of some kind.

Sadly, for me, you have described my father very accurately. He definitely uses the money against us (or tries to).

I have no care for their money other than to see it being used for my parent's rainy day and that day has arrived.

Have you ever asked your dad what he is saving the money for and if he says a rainy day told him that that day has arrived? If he says it’s for your inheritance tell him you would inherit a bit less and see some of it spent on easing the current difficulties so that you can spend more quality time with your parents.

After my dad died mum couldn’t live alone so went into a care home. She has dementia. It had been years since I could spend a couple of hours just being with her as her daughter instead of rushing around shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ordering medication, making a drs appointment. Her emotional well being and our relationship had got so pushed into the background by all the caring.

… sorry posted in error

PIL were like this. Moved SIL in next door (clever) and became heavily dependant as they aged. Refused carers, wouldn’t pay for help, muddled on with a ‘cross that bridge’ mentality resulting in BIL hauling FIL out the bath on more than one occasion. SIL was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FIL died and MIL was straight into a care home. It came to light they were worth over a million pounds.
It has left a lot of bad feeling and tainted memories of her parents that’s for sure.
IMO the needs of someone at the end of their lives don’t trump those of someone in the prime of theirs.
You must must continue to step away. I hope I don’t do this to my children. Dreadful parenting.

Sounds like a good plan OP. Assume that you get offered the job you're being interviewed for on Wednesday and work out what hours you have left available once you've taken into account your job, travelling time, DH, kids, time for exercise, time for you to sit and do nothing/watch TV/catch up coffee/wine with friends/socialise with your DH...then with what is left you say to your DSis, this is what i can cover on a weekly basis. No negotiations. Your DSis will do what she can do (and continue to feel resentment if she doesn't follow the same plan as you but that's up to her).

My 'D'Brother has gone AWOL since DM was ill and I often resented him for doing it but in a way I'm glad he's not around to mither, criticise what i do or what my parents do and generally make a balls up of everything so at least your DSis is prepared to help a little.

Best of luck for your interview!!

Hopefully you will get that job. I think you need to tell them you are struggling financially and need to prioritise job applications. Drop the visits to twice a week. Once during the week and once at the weekend. Your dad will have to fit in with you or pay out for someone to sit with your mum. It sounds harsh but he sounds like the sort of man who is self absorbed and can’t see what he is doing. Your sister is presumably the golden child so won’t rock the boat.

I'm in a really similar situation to you OP but am an only child.

This is the best advice. Put a plan in place you feel sensible then when your Dad refuses just say, ok, well there's nothing else I can do.

I'd imagine your Dad's health will start failing in a few years then he will have no choice.

It is horrendous but you need to put your family first or you'll be dead before your parents.

So sorry your sister isn't being supportive of your needs.

perhaps leave it all to her, withdraw everything you do, so that she can see just how hard it actually is.