I am finding helping out elderly and unwell parents is utterly, utterly draining and ruining my life as it currently stands.

[Picklingwalnuts]

I feel awful writing this but I secretly resent my parents atm. I am a bad person to think this, let alone put it into words.

My parents are in their early 80's. They live around the corner from me and I have always been close to them.

In 2018 my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. For the first couple of years things weren't too bad but when Covid and the lockdowns hit my dad kind of went to pieces, all the dementia support networks shut down or became non-existent, there was little outside help for people with dementia. So, during this time I found myself doing a lot more to help and drip, drip, drip without giving it much thought as it happened so slowly I found myself doing more and more for them and it is completely and utterly draining.

I have my own family (two teens), a dh, and my own life that I somehow need to find time for. I have some chronic health issues (which have been greatly exacerbated with the stress of caring for elderly parents) and I am smack bang in perimenopause which I could seriously do without at this time of my life.

Admittedly, I have taken a bit of a backseat from the things I was doing a few years ago but I am still round theirs 4-5 times a week. There always seems to be something that needs doing and dad refuses to pay out any more than the one hour per day carer who comes in to help shower and dress mum in the mornings (mums AA pays for the majority of this though). If he wants to go food shopping or pop out somewhere he relies on me or my sister to sit with mum so he can do this. He will not pay for a sit in service and resents paying out for any extra help even though he has hundreds of thousands in the bank (I understand that he is anxious to keep hold of this should mum need to go into a care home, I get that). My sister does all the housework (I refuse to do this as they have the money for a cleaner) but I still change the bed sheets, change towels (dad would leave them for weeks and weeks), take mum to her day centre twice a week, make her packed lunch, sit with mum so dad can go food shopping, order all mums prescriptions, take mum to hospital and doctors appointments etc....there always seems to be something which needs doing, arranging or sorting out.

I suppose I could have put up with this if it had only lasted a year or two but despite an additional health diagnosis of breast cancer last year my poor old mum keeps on going.

I do feel for my dad, it is completely heartwrenching watching my mum struggle with such a terrible disease like this and become someone I don't recognise and that must be a hundred times worse for my dad but I can't help but resent the fact that he naturally assumes because he has two daughters living close by they should automatically do everything for him.

I lost my job in November, he never once asks me how I am actually surviving without an income. I am currently looking for work and worry how they will cope once I am back working (sister works full time so she can't always be round).

Mum went into respite a few weeks ago to give dad a break but she went down hill and has only just perked up so he is refusing to consider a care home anymore but he will not consider additional care at home either, I have suggested live in carers as they have a huge house which could even have an annexe converted in it but he is refusing to have anyone live in his house. He is simply buying his head in the sand and not looking into the future at all. Mum still recognises us and is quite jolly within herself etc but its 7 years into this disease and she will get much worse but he still won't discuss any future plans.

Is this a common thing for older people to assume their children will automatically step up and care for them in old age? I love them dearly but I never signed up for this, it feels as though it was thrust upon me. One thing it has taught me though and that is the fact I will NEVER expect my dc to look after me, ever.

Why is your dad not doing most of these things?

put your foot down, op. It’s literally your only solution as there will be no funding from social care.

He will keep expecting until you say no and mean it

Feel for you. My mam is quite demanding 80s. Sister does x day me another. I wont do any extra as feel you could be 7 days on the road. Moods and sulks when we take hols. Its a nightmare sometimes I just hate it all. She says we have a duty lol. Find in menopause am tired too 52.

Say a hard no to sitting with your mum while he goes out shopping.

He can go shopping when she's in adult daycare.

When he says you don't understand/ he's lived in the house 50 years and won't have strangers coming and going, remind him you have a husband and children to look after. He sounds the sort of man who would expect you to put your man first.

Could your husband have a word with him? He could try complaining he's being neglected because you're spending so.much time and energy looking after him. Your husband could also broach the topic of The Future.

Some pig headed men will only listen to other men and think they can ride roughshod over women.

Don't be like my family friend who has died in her 60s because she was under so much pressure and strain caring for her utterly selfish parents who refused outside care and help and lumped it all on her.
Priorities are you, your children, your DH, your friends, then your parents. You are their child not their carer, nor their slave, not their housekeeper nor their whipping boy. You'd be perfectly in your rights to say you don't want to do anything for them at all and just want to be with them and play chess or cards or a puzzle or just have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

The sandwich generation, that’s us. I totally relate to your experience. My late DM became more and more dependent on me doing things. The most challenging were the never ending phone calls about her aches and pains, they were almost daily. There was always something wrong and the endless drs and hospitals appointments became increasingly challenging for me. At one stage I made myself very unwell with the stress, I told her that but it didn’t seem to matter. I too have a DH and two dds and a busy life, but that was never a consideration. After a hospital stay a carers package was arranged that she refused and said my family will look after me,meaning me! I made it quite clear at that stage I wasn’t going to become her carer. She died end of last year and whilst I loved her dearly and miss her, I do not miss the constant phone calls and demands. My DF is still alive and lives alone aged 91. He is a totally different character, grateful for help and is happy to pay for jobs to be done around the house. I visit five times a week but still feel that my relationship with his is as my DF and not me being his carer. For your own sanity start to take a step back.

I’m in a similar situation so I feel for you. I think you need to push aside any unnecessary guilt you might feel and start setting more boundaries in place about what you will and won’t do. My priority is my own family ie my DH and DCs , and if I can fit in helping my parents without being stressed out by it then I will. But right now I won’t do cleaning or laundry etc … and there are several things I could do re admin / finances that I just can’t take on board because it will take time away from things I need to do for my own family.

DF can afford to pay for a cleaner and a carer for my DM but he refuses to. Mainly like your DF because he’s too proud and thinks my Dsis and I will just be there to help out. It’s such a selfish attitude. But equally you need to be somewhat ‘selfish’ too. And only do what you are happy to do. A bit of discomfort, once your dad realises your help is more limited, might force him to get outside help.

In our family my parents had either seen their mothers carry out caring duties for elderly relatives, or had done so themselves. However, they were not trying to do this while working. To them, caring for elderly relatives had been normalised and they expected us to do the same for them, despite having children and jobs. It took another family member who is slightly more removed from the situation to persuade them that they needed additional help. The poster who mentioned power dynamics further up the thread was right - I think we had been stuck in a cycle of our parents expecting help from us and my sibling and I feeling we had to deliver it and it took another person to break it. Is there anyone your Dad would listen to who may help to fill this role?

TBH that all sounds pretty normal for dementia. My DM was ringing my poor brother up to 30 times in one hour before we finally moved her to a care home. It was seriously affecting his mental health. She simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just spoken to him.

She would never have agreed to move to a care home - according to her there was nothing wrong with her even though she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea.
We had to get her to the care home by stealth, and I’ve never dreaded a day so much in my life, but it went rather better than we’d feared.

Thanks everyone.

bluebellsandspring - that is absolutely the case where my dad is concerned.

I honestly don't think I will get anywhere with my sister, I had a conversation with her last night about the cleaning and she was a little off with me, asking why I was raising this question and saying it was no issue for her, she didn't see any point in dad paying for a cleaner when she has all the equipment and could do it for free. So I will leave that with her.

I do think that my dad has been raised to believe the women in his life should look after him, especially in old age. He was raised as an only child by my grandmother and her mother, they both pampered him something rotten. My grandfather was fighting in the war until dad was 7 and even when he was back he was a laid back man who didn't get too involved with child rearing and left it all to his wife and mil.
My mum then most likely took over the role when my parents married, my mum never worked and looked after the household. I don't think my dad had ever done one minute of housework or cooked whilst mum was in good health. He worked and mum raised us.
And I do believe he thinks it's our (dsis and I), duty to look after our parents now they are elderly and mum in poor health.

The problem is that this is his view of life, mine is a bit different especially knowing they have so much money tucked away, currently doing sod all to help the situation. That irks me more than anything right now.

Same shite as everyone else here, just to pick up on some points....

My parents didn't provide care for any elderly relatives and outsourced as much childcare as they could. So the attitude of demanding care doesn't always come from having done it themselves.

Also, I'd be really, really wary of involving your kids. My teen nephews, who were just about to leave home and needed money, helped out a couple of times. My "D"M paid them a pittance for a full day's travel and work, then when she was having a clear out insisted on donating a load of items with some value to a charity shop; I did point out maybe nephews could have been given them to sell but she didn't want to. If you're struggling with being taken advantage of then it's going to be worse for your kids.

No, once refused it can't be reinstated luckily they didn't cancel the morning visit so still have that and a paid carer comes in every day for an hour mon to fri to do cleaning/shopping and check on them. They are both housebound and one is incontinent so shod really be in a home but I can't make them.

I have had issues with my parents (84/85) as they’ve aged. Refusing to downsize for years from a ridiculously large house with land, huge dog, etc. Finally DB and I got them moved but they refused a retirement place and went to a house not near either of us. DDad died quite soon after and now DM is declining in health but refusing help.

Initially we were there every weekend but we both work full time, don’t live local and we cut back to alternate weekends. I haven’t RTFT so possibly it’s already been suggested but I would start being less available. Say you have a job interview, working, anything. Perhaps you need to discuss the plan with your sister so that you are thinking the same. You have to let go of the guilt. That’s so hard, I worried my DB would step in and I’d be perceived as unhelpful. Now I don’t care. Like your DP my DM has thousands in the bank so can afford help.

I still think it's good you had the conversation about cleaning with your sister. At least she knows that you're not assuming she should do it and that it is to some extent a choice she is making that you'd be fine with her not doing. Sometimes planting a seed like that has an impact down the line.

This isn’t true.

individuals who have capacity are within their rights to refuse help abc support.

They can change theif minds at any time and ask gif a reassessment.

The care act 2014 does not have provisions written into it that peanalises those who are eligible for care and support but initially decline it.

If your local authority are telling your parents that it does, they are wrong and they are operating outside of the law

Your parents have a right to ask for a reassessment if they now want support, particularly if their initial assessment found them to be eligible for care and support under the Care Act 2014.

Just read through this whole as I’ve been feeling angry all day at being in the assumed carer role.

I can’t see a way out as elderly father has no insight into his limitations and severely autistic, controlling brother has moved him into his own house temporarily, apparently, while elderly father looks for somewhere (unsuitable) to live. It’s been years though and I am forced to go to estranged brother’s house

Meanwhile, father is being taken advantage of, heavily influenced by brother. Nothing I can do.

I want to walk away for my own sanity, health, but think knowing I’ve withdrawn care might feel quite distressing, upsetting.

Thinking of booking a holiday so that I am forced to be removed from the situation / can’t be on hand to help, am forced to put myself first.

I resent that I’ve given the whole of lockdown to my father, never visited my kids in their uni towns, have struggled through the menopause, run my car into the ground, run myself into the ground, given the best part of my fifties to him, get treated like a non person for doing it.

I wish I’d rebelled in my teenage years, done as I pleased as he does now.

Well (I think) there are often two ways to deal with things like this. 1. the come to Jesus conversation that lays out boundaries and realities eg you’re looking for work or starting work etc and 2. Just withdrawing, fudging, reasons (true or untrue), excuses, and general lower contact. I suppose it’s possible to do a bit of both.

But, fundamentally, your DF can’t “make” you do anything you don’t want to do. If that means dirty sheets or whatever, too bad, he’ll just have to make other arrangements. You don’t have to apologise, just say “no.can.do”] insert real or made up reason]. He’ll soon get the message. Your quality of life is what is paramount here.

Your sister is a slight complication, but at least you’ve had the conversation with her. If she wants to be difficult and complain about her situation or your boundaries, well again that’s just too bad and that’s on her. Ultimately saying more “no’s” could mean people respect you more. But, if it makes you more unpopular, then I think you have to be prepared to accept that reaction as a possibility too (at least short term).

Awful, awful, awful for you.
My hunch is that most parents would say that they absolutely do not want their children slaving away for them - while there is no need of it. Once they need a lot of help just to stay alive and functioning, that is where their focus goes, and they can be terrified of relying on 'strangers' especially when they know that their mental capacity is not what it was. So they want the children to be right there with them, and don't think about how it is affecting the children's lives.
What might help is you putting your time into introducing professional carers into their home until your parents feel relaxed and safe with them; then you should be able to step away a bit from all the jobs, but still staying in frequent contact. If your dad refuses, you'll have to keep telling him that the stress and time involved is more than you can manage without being ill and neglecting your children, but that you are still there and will help sort out any problems with the carers.

@Whynotaxthisyear OP cannot introduce carers as gradually as her DF refuses to pay for them.

I was suggesting that OP needs to keep quietly explaining to her dad that family can't do as much and is needed and therefore extra help needs to be paid for. She might also explain that their money will last for years even if residential care is eventually needed, and that the start of full-time care can be delayed by the right sort of part-time help before emergencies arise. Also that if they literally run out of money, the council will pay.
My guess is that this old man is terrified and hanging on to familiar people and his own money as a bit of a comfort blanket, but perhaps he could be helped into a more rational position.

I’ve found an organisation called local hero’s who provide cleaners, handymen, companionship etc. They are not cheap but would be someone to contact in an emergency. I’ve been put in touch with a lady who would go to my DM once a week. If you can get attendance allowance it would pay for 3 visits where I live. It would mean a constant, known presence if needed.

To be honest this advice though obviously well meaning does not recognise that the likelihood is the OP has been taking the softly, softly, explain everything for quite some time already. Often people like the OP’s parents can hold very rigid, fixed perspectives and no amount of gentle explaining brings them to the understanding that things are changing.

Yeah…I found similar service for companionship here.
First visit went well, lovely time had by all. “Would you like me to come agin next week?” “Oh no, I don’t think so, thank you” and that was the end of that! 😂Can lead a horse to water and all that!

Op I understand why but you are focussing on the wrong thing ie getting your dad to change to see sense etc. you can’t control that only your reaction so, as others have said when he moans ask what he’s going to do, don’t step in. Lie and say you’ve a new job and just aren’t available as it’s more hours.

That is half the reason I keep doing what I do, I feel so sorry for them, it's such a struggle simply being elderly but throw cancer and dementia into the mix and even though dad is in very good health physically and mentally, it is taking him down too.

We do have carers in. One comes in every morning Mon-Fri and the other every Sat and Sun morning. They are both lovely woman (one is a good friend of my best friend), dad has become used to them both and likes them very much but refuses to pay out for any more of their time.

I think you're are missing the point tbh