I lost my dad, and partly blame my sister

[Kimmints1]

Hi all,
I'm feeling very angry and upset over the situation I have concerning the loss of my dad and my poor mum who is cared for by my sister. I will try and outline it as it will be very long explaining. My dad was 85,he was quite poorly with COPD and kidney failure stage 3 . My mum is 90 and has vascular dementia and severe heart failure and other health problems,she is cared for by mu sister alone ,as my sister lives with mum,and then before dad too. My sister Is very controlling, when my poor dad was here, over the last 2 years,she has told my dad who he can and can't talk to, told him not to speak about what goes on in the house,or they will put my mum in care home. Upsetting my dad by saying he's a crap dad and no winder his other daughter, ( from previous marriage) doesn't want to know him as he's a sh.. dad. Not letting my dad go for a walk as she didn't want him talking to neighbours or anyone, but my dad needed exercise for his health concerns. She would shout and swear at my mum when mum got agitated, telling her to shut up, in her face, getting my dad to sit with mum,When's she's agitated, and he was getting so upset,seeing his wife on 55 years going through this. Myself and Dr and other professionals have safeguarded our concerns,butthey never pursue it,saying my sister is doing everything she's meant too, and it's sibling rivalry. I wrote my sister a email, sent a copy to social worker,as my proof of it. Asking my sister why she felt to treat my dad so cruelly and about my mums finances as we both have financial power of attorney, and she doesn't give me any information concerning this. Previously she was told by the princess alice nurse not to overwealm my parents with things, but she told my dad of the email a week before he went in hospital, she told him I wanted my muns money, and why can't he say something to me.when he went in hospital he was in for a month, he confided in drs,as to the feeling of having to deal with her, he felt a big weight on his shoulders, he was so fatigued and depressed, his tiredness was due to sleeping in the same room as my mum and Mt sister would put lights on in middle of night, as my mum was agitated or something. And all the worries he took on and didn't talk about. He sadly passed away in hospital, it was a terrible stay in there, treated so cruelly sometimes. Again sorry so long. I feel my sister was partly what caused him to end up back in hospital and sadly pass away, I can't stop blaming her. I can't even visit my mum as me and my sister have ,over last 2 years fought verbally and I have hit her a couple of times due to her foul accusations and language towards me. So now I ring my mum daily and I text for update on my mum. My sister won't let me sort my dad's possessions out, or walk around the house, when I went up there with my daughter,it's a horrible situation and I don't know what to do

I'm sorry your Dad died. I have to say that I agree with other posters. You're sister is doing a very hard thing and you've assaulted her at least twice.

On a practical note, if you have concerns about the LPA, you can write to the Office of the Public Guardian and raise your concerns. They can investigate the situation and make a decision about whether the LPA is being used appropriately.

So your sister has shouldered the care for both elderly parents alone, and you have physically assaulted her - twice. Your father died because he was old and unwell. Im sorry for your loss, but you are so beyond unreasonable.

You clearly have absolutely no idea how hard it is to look after one old person, never mind two.

You have absolutely no right to criticise the way she looks after them whilst doing none of it yourself.

To be honest the way you just casually slip in that you've hit her says amy awful lot about you and makes it pretty obvious that there's clearly a very different side to this story.

How dare you blame her for his death. If it wasn't for her caring for him he wouldn't have lived as long as he did.

If your sister is treating them so badly, why haven’t you done more about it? Why haven’t you done some caring? You could have stayed for a couple of weeks, given your sister a break and found d out exactly what has been going on. I bet your sister feels so unsupported.

When you say she is controlling do you mean she doesn’t act on people’s suggestions? People who do nothing of practical use but swoop in with ‘I wouldn’t do it like that, why haven’t you done this?’.

I’m sorry your dad died, sounds like he was very unwell. Other than that you’ll get no sympathy from me, or many of us here who are the sisters carrying it all in our own situations. You don’t sound reasonable OP, and the casual mention of physical violence makes me think you’re kept away for good reason.

I feel like this is a story I’d like to hear the other side of. I mean you assaulted her, she’s been caring for two frail elderly people pretty much single handed. She turned the lights to soothe one persons agitation but is then abusing the other due to disturb sleep. It’s like she can’t do right for doing wrong tbh.

If someone had hit me I wouldn’t let them in my home. I appreciate it’s your parents place but it’s her home too.

This post is rambling and confusing. Very one sided and would like to hear your sister's side. You can blame your sister but maybe look at your own accountability in the situation.

Thank you for all your replies, I understand it being one sided. I fully have said I appreciate all she does for my mum, and the help she gave my dad, but it is a very complex and upsetting situation.I was sharing the care with my sister but we were never agreeing on things to do with my mums care. I'm not excusing my behaviour ,but it wasn't I beat her up, she was and still does control and is very outspoken, in my face. She was being very cruel to my dad with endless belittling and grinding him down with such cruel words. I also agree the money isn't my focus, but when she has my mum and ,before my dad's bank accounts on her phone, telling them what the could and couldn't do with there money. Stopping my dad going out of the house, or talking to anyone.I have tried over and over again to get carers in, but she refuses any help from outside.She argues with drs and pallative team for my mum over medication and how my mum is to be cared for.She has stopped medication for my mum and told Dr's my mum and dad are having bad reaction, which is untrue.My two daughters were also helping with care of my parents, but they couldn't carry on as my sister was so spiteful and controlling, she doesn't like anyone's opinion, with my mum being tired and sleeping alot, she feels she has to wake her for food, medication and in general, she says my mum shouldn't sleep as much as she does, so she wakes her.We as a family try with her but she's very rude and bossy. She visited my poor dad in hospital once in a month, her reason for not going to see him was , she didn't want to leave my mum with anyone as she had flu.If I took my dad out, as I did quite often for appointments,or just a drive out for a while,he would want to get back,as he didn't want my sister left alone with my mum, and even when he did get home my sister,would plague him with questions, what did I say, what did he say, I told you not to tell her anything.If my dad wrote to his other daughter,my sister would say she doesn't want to know you why you bothering. My dad would send his other daughter gifts, and on one occasion she sent it back to my dad, my sister got so nasty with my dad for sending it, he gave it to my sister.she would tell Mt mum and dad everything, confusing my mum and upsetting my dad, or to get my dad to take sides.I have tried all options to try and reason with her but she is so anti me,and it's not because I hit her,it's jealousy as I am close to my parents.The letter I wrote,was asking her to listen to opinions, talk about things, asking her to stop pulling mums chair back without telling her,as it scares my mum, asking her to not overload my mum,and dad at the time,not to overload them with things, it is and was too much.As u said not excusing my actions with her,but it's been a endless battle for over 3 years. I have health problems, and am trying to cope with losing my dad and my health,worrying how my mum is,and this endless battle with my sister.I have dealt with all my parents finances and me dad's funeral and other things, as it was overwhelming her. I have a voice message of her cruel spiteful way she spoke to my mum, as If she's a child,swearing at her.Its endless, I'm not picking or point scoring just protecting my parents,mum now.

Just like to add, to those who say I hit her,poor sister,she was and still is with my mum,mentally abusing them,my poor dad ,over the last few years was mamipulated controlled and coerced by her,I was one defending myself and two trying to just talk about my dad to her,she was in my face and lying continually about what she had said and done, but drs and social workers and others have documentation of the torture my dad endured, and she is now in control of my poor mum,who is deteriorating quite quickly. I have lost my dad and will never again feel so hurt and lost,,and been made to feel guilty for what I was trying to do.Protect my parents,bur for my poor dad it's to late

So it sounds like your sister has primarily been carrying the burden of caring for your two elderly parents for an extended period, with some limited help from you and your children?

You both have financial power of attorney but you rely on information from your sister in order to fulfil that duty?

You find her rude, controlling and emotionally abusive towards your parents, and this has led you to physically assault her on two occasions?

You have reported your concerns about abuse to doctors and social workers, they have investigated these allegations and found no cause for concern, suggesting instead that your complaints may be motivated by sibling rivalry?

Is this a fair summary?

Yes but as for the care side with myself and daughters,we have all in turn helped with caring,but my sister has totally ignored our thoughts of caring and she provokes argument with us all.Her way or no way,if we point out things,she will argue and cause arguments, which in turn causes big outbursts upsetting my dad at the time.Alsomy sister has taken the role of carer alone as she refuses any other outside help,so when my daughters and I couldn't cope with her,she did do it alone.Concerning POA, she doesn't share information ,she won't let me see any information,I had to go to bank to get access. I have tried talking to her about the situation with my parents and have safeguarded yes,but to get her support and as my dad was scared of her,wouldn't talk infront of her,about how she made him feel.

Then you need to report to Adult Social Care with your evidence of what is going on.
Google the number for your council Adult Safeguarding Team and call them again.