Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

[DoveLisand]

My parents are quite toxic, they obviously love me and my siblings but forever see themselves as the parents. However as they are 70s and I am 50s this is leading to some quite unpleasant behaviour. I would have cut off anyone else that behaved to me as they do.

HOWEVER they are quite rich with quite a few properties and tho I don't need their money, I can't risk being disinherited for the DCs sake.

Nutshell: My parents are quite difficult.
They are beginning to decline, and are getting paranoid.
Only one has a POA
They have a crap relationship with each others which means they aren't very honest.
They won't share the will and only nominated one sibling as the executor.
They have property and a lax attitude to tax, so will want to 'dodge' as much tax as possible. I do NOT agree with it but it's likely to lead to under hand dealings.

Has anyone been through similar and has some good advice? I already have a therapist !

I think what I'm taking from this thread is how important to look after your kids first, before yourself and anyone else, regardless of how old your kids are. What a shame some parents don't think the same.

If you choose to sell your time to family you don’t like that’s your choice and fine, but don’t complain about them, and don’t try to dress it up as something morally justifiable.

I think this, as the OP has outlined and keeps going on about, is really rather toxic behaviour itself. Just my personal opinion but this actually perpetuates the toxic cycle.

I’m pleased it worked out well for you and you were able to cut them out completely, but unless you know the ins and outs of someone’s actual childhood and experiences, you really shouldn’t be passing moral judgment on what someone else does, in order to get by (in what is a tougher world for some)

I will also add that it’s instinctive to want the best for your child (for most parents as we know from this thread that’s not true for all sadly) so if that means staying in contact albeit briefly with a controlling manipulative parent, then I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. You do what you can to make your child’s life easier even if it means making yours worse

I get it, OP. I’m in that boat too. Money isn’t entirely the reason I’m still in (low) contact - that would be FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). No less damaging. Lots of judgment on here. On the advice front, set boundaries. Stick to them. Grey rock is your friend.

Have you gone NC with your parents?

Same for me. I can't understand the OP's behaviour or mindset. It's a horrible model for her children but her fallout to deal with.

I cut my father off as a teenager, 'missed out' on money given to my brothers throughout which I would also have needed but it wouldn't have been worth it, not at any price.

Wanting the best for your child doesn't mean behaving like this. OP isn't in poverty, has made that clear. It's just that she doesn't want to give up her parents' money and properties.

If you behave that way and post about it, expect to be judged on it because it's appalling. Best to do it all in secret and then nobody will say a word, not bleat about it on a chatboard.

stone her stone her ! She's a witch !

Thanks so much for all the judgement about how awful I am for asking a question. Just scroll pass - this is in Elderly Parents not AIBU. If you didn't have a tip, but felt the need to weigh in, then I wonder where you are on the toxicity spectrum......?

Truly my parents aren't that bad in comparison to some of the posts so that's been really useful. Maybe I am just holding them to higher standards than I should.

As many have pointed out, it's gonna be a long old road, best just be polite, see them a bitand support my siblings if they want to go the extra mile.

My parents are toxic and local and in their 80s. When I put boundaries in place they stopped seeing us or contacting us - so it was easy.

I’d rather this life then my mental and physical health shot to pieces by a nasty horror and verbal mental emotional abuse on a daily basis.

It might be worth sitting down with your siblings to see how you can all collaborate to do the practical things to manage your parents going forward, and consider likely scenarios.

What happens if one parent dies, will the surviving one want to stay in the house or move to sheltered accommodation or similar? What will their health needs be? Will they manage in their own home with adaptations and carers? Have they thought about health decisions, eg advance decisions?

With the POA, who is / are the attorney / attorneys? Do they understand the finances if it’s the financial one? What happens with the parent who doesn’t have a POA in place?

You can decide to have contact with them on your own terms and hopefully maintain some kind of relationship with them. If visiting needs an overnight stay maybe stay in a hotel so that you visits on your own timescale, and you can make your excuses and leave if things start getting difficult.

Whilst your parents will probably always want to keep that parent / child control thing going with you, you might also find that they retreat into behaving like a truculent child when things don’t go their way and you end up having to be the adult.

I disagree. What’s appalling is bringing children in to the world and giving them PTSD from the trauma of their abusive upbringing.

I see it as the child missing out on a normal good upbringing with good attachments, enabling them to create a good life and it’s the fault of the parent.

You could argue that upon a parent’s death, any child that is NC should refuse and inheritance they receive (if they’ve not been removed from the will) but I’m guessing most won’t and rightly so.

There are so many things that are morally questionable but I don’t think this is. If a parent was so vile then helping their grandchildren financially is the least they could do.

In Scotland you’re not allowed to disinherit your children regardless of NC etc so it’s ok saying people saying I wouldn’t take it morally etc etc but I view it as compensation

thought I would update this, as I had a big think after all your comments and decided to have a grown up chat with my parents, explaining how their behaviours made me feel. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and on chatgpt about how to phrase things in a non confrontational way, and it was quite scary.

Well they had no clue what I was talking about, not in a defensive way but just clueless. New working theory is that mum is a narcissist / totally self absorbed and dad is on the autistic spectrum. Their emotional work and focus is always on each other and their dysfunctional relationship, the rest of us are just bit parts.

So that actually made me feel better and I have a path of how to proceed. It's more like my relationship with my grandparents, no actual emotional closeness at all, just going through the motions, knowing they love me, their daughter, but at the same time they have no clue who I am. They don't mean to hurt me, or want to, they are just point scoring with each other.

It’s helpful when you understand the dynamic and realise it isn’t personal. It’s the only way I can manage my mother!

Similar dynamic to my parents. You must have had some courage for that conversation, suspect it took up a lot of your headspace. At least you tried that approach and ticked the box and can move on with pragmatic boundaries.

Due to the narcissistic 'what the neighbours say' factor. If I'm trying to manipulate the situation eg. Get some form of totally normal DIY task that would make life easier done. I invoke the imaginary opinion of a respected friend, colleague or even celebrity.
I read an interview with Joanna Lumley, she said having a flip down seat in the shower was what elevates her home to a spa, wouldn't be without it. Would it work here?
Or why not ask respected neighbour Jean ? (knowing you haven't spoken to her for ages)

Save this trick for your essential stuff.
Hopefully narcissists don't want to spoken ill off after death so hopefully a fair split is coming your way.

Ah inheirtance.... presumambly we are talking about £100,000's of thousands esepecially if a property is included.

I was the nearest sibling. In the end it all fell to me but I had boundaries. Parent was in a care home and I visited when I could but Covid hit so there was an issue there and one time I turned up and parent refused to come down. I couldnt go up because of Covid. Wasted 4 hour journey.

However a lot of the work involved being the Emergency Contact and dealing with paperwork and looking back that was OK. I decided whether to make a long journey when parent was in hospital and COVID made that decision for me.

I had a copy of the will and was the Executor and also had LPA. It worked out OK in the end but of course there could have been another later will. You dont know until the person passes.

What I would say is I know two people who thought they were going to inheirt and didnt. Siblings werent given a equal share when the person died even though parent had said her estate was only going to her children. Massive (think 90% to one sibling).

The other one was a relative who left her whole estate to various children she had had and also to her current husband. Most of the estate was the value of her house. This meant that husband needed to move and had very little to buy anything else. He ended up going into a care home in the end.The various children ended up fightng each other through the courts and 40% of the overall estate went on legal fees.

@SpaDaze

-—Similar dynamic to my parents. You must have had some courage for that conversation, suspect it took up a lot of your headspace. At least you tried that approach and ticked the box and can move on with pragmatic boundaries.

spot on ! And thank you. In the days afterwards I felt so much lighter. Seen them since and it’s a much better working model.