Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

[DoveLisand]

My parents are quite toxic, they obviously love me and my siblings but forever see themselves as the parents. However as they are 70s and I am 50s this is leading to some quite unpleasant behaviour. I would have cut off anyone else that behaved to me as they do.

HOWEVER they are quite rich with quite a few properties and tho I don't need their money, I can't risk being disinherited for the DCs sake.

Nutshell: My parents are quite difficult.
They are beginning to decline, and are getting paranoid.
Only one has a POA
They have a crap relationship with each others which means they aren't very honest.
They won't share the will and only nominated one sibling as the executor.
They have property and a lax attitude to tax, so will want to 'dodge' as much tax as possible. I do NOT agree with it but it's likely to lead to under hand dealings.

Has anyone been through similar and has some good advice? I already have a therapist !

Do you need to know what’s in their will and if you do inherit and there’s tax to be paid then so be it?

If they haven’t shared their will how do you know you haven’t been disinherited already?

You have no right to know what is in your parents' will, asking one sibling to be executor is not unusual, and I don't see how their tax position is your business or what you could do about it if it was.
Could you clarify your question please?

Ok ignore the bit about the will.

How do you put up with bad behaviour from your parents so that your DCs are not disadvantaged?

Any tips for those with toxic parents?

Work out your boundaries and what behaviour is acceptable for you. If they disinherit you then you’ll DC will still inherit from yourself.

Bite your tongue and try and tolerate them, I appreciate just how hard that is though ...

Ah man my in laws are frustrating but also rich. It’s hard to work out what’s worth it

It comes down to a balance between your integrity/ emotional well being and your need. They could be around for another 25 years and leave you nothing.

I am not totally sure what the issue is here if I am honest. You either can tolerate your parents or not. If you don't, you need to decide what you are prepared to put up with. A couple of short visits a year? No contact? Regular holidays? Etc

The inheritance is a bit of a moot point. It isn't guaranteed to be yours or your DCs even if you have the best relationship in the world. Never assume an inheritance will be yours, they may decide to leave it to a three-toed ferrret rescue organisation in outer Mongolia.

I totally understand. Similar situation here.

Several things to bear in mind.

They can be toxic and also vulnerable. I’m there at the moment, elderly feisty mum rages when she doesn’t get her own way, but is indeed a very little old lady in need of lots of support.

When one dies, the situation will get worse not better. Unless the ‘easier’ of the two is left. That may work ok, but I really wouldn’t know!

You can maintain your boundaries in the way you always have- only give the time, effort and money you can afford. There is no guarantee it won’t all go to the cats’ home anyway.

Your DC would prefer your love and attention and presence now, rather than an inheritance that you have ‘earned’ by pandering to their GPs at the expense of your DC.

Protect your DC- see the above. Don’t let Christmas be spoiled by a tyrannical elder. My DCs are adult and we manage the situation between us. They are fab. I may have done things differently if they were still young.

The whole PoA executor business is a nightmare. DSIs wants it jointly. I’ve said I’d rather have separate spheres of responsibility so we can get things done easily. That does depend on your siblings and whether they are trustworthy.

Mine have fallen out and can’t work together, hence my feeling it’s better if we work separately according to our strengths.

@myplace you get it.

I guess I am looking for advice for people further down the line. My parents don't need much yet, but that is going to change and I live the closest.

Yeah they spoiled Christmas. I wasn't savvy enough to see it coming.

I kind of understand where you're coming from, OP but what sort of person are you that you will put up with toxicity as long as there's money coming?

It may be swallowed up in care homes or left randomly... and you will have essentially prostituted yourself for what?

I'm sure you have your reasons but to see this written down is awful.

Well, that was my advice. Be careful. Do not be manipulated by the promise of x,y, z. Know they will always prefer to use your money than theirs no matter how little you have.

They will prefer running you into the ground over paying for carers, gardeners or taxis.

They will expect to be your first priority, above your DCs and DH, because they are old and may die soon. Respect for your elders and all that.

So set up your boundaries. Get into good habits (never answer the phone during work hours etc).
Alternate Christmas.

See whether you can play tag team with other family members to manage the situation.

I'd hate for my DC in the future to be calling me toxic whilst keeping a beady eye on "their" inheritance!

How entitled.

Well @Notdoingthatno be nice to your kids and treat them as equals and adults then you won’t need to worry.

there is too much money and property at stake for my DC to indulge myself in going no contact. parents so self centred they won’t notice I am faking it.

@myplace

OK so setting early boundaries.
getting siblings on side.
not Paying for anything as it is a slippery slope and they are loaded (tho obv hate to spend it).
no contact in work hours. Hmmm my mum had already started on this one.
I guess a long term plan for them care wise is probably a good idea so scope out carers and possible homes.

yeah my dad will probably die first and I Don’t trust my mum, never have. So she’ll probably play favourites and manipulate my siblings who DO need their money.

urgh

Be careful about how much time and in what context I see them for. Things stay light and surface, not huge amounts of time, walks and activities are better than sitting at home or trying to cook, he behaves better around other people.
Other than that, shoosh up and put up and remind myself that an 85 year old with declining faculties and a a penchant for the Daily Mail is going to spout all sorts of vile nastiness and ill-informed rubbish and that I do not need to take it to heart.
Water off a ducks back is the phrase.

Start talking about PAs. Having someone come regularly for a couple of hours to do things they don’t want to do themselves.

Frame it as indulgence or privilege… Sarah’s mum has got a PA going twice a week, so they don’t have to bother with x, y or z.

Depending on how they are either frame it as a shocking wasteful indulgence (so they annoy you by doing it too) or an enviable luxury that they could consider.

Minimise contact as much as possible would be my advice. I am in a similar boat. It's no fun!

Why do you keep mentioning your DC, it you that wants to inherit?

Consider how your parents’ bad behaviour will disadvantage your children in non-monetary ways. Will they ever be the recipient of it? Will they see the poor treatment of you and your resentment of it? You are modelling a parent-adult child relationship to them, do you want them to think the level of ill-feeling you have towards them is normal for a child to have towards their parent?
Will your mental health suffer through continued contact - how will this affect your children?

Will the inheritance be worth all this?

Just let go of the money. It is pointless to think about it.

Once you've done that, where are you? I'm not a fan of cutting people off. Try and find a level of civil contact that lets you all stay on an even keel. End conversations and visits that are getting aggressive or too painful, get in touch again a few days later. Keep it simple, find areas of common enjoyment where you can. Be the adult.

You all sound quite unpleasant tbh. You can’t behave honestly because you’ve got your eye on the money-how can you hate your parents yet still feel entitled to their money? My kids laugh at acquaintances who go on about hating their parents on one hand yet still grab the cars and house deposits with the other. Can you not have a distant, polite relationship with them without feeling you’re selling your soul? The best thing you can do for your kids is to bring them up in a loving household and encourage them to have good relationships and goals. Not suck up to people you despise so your kids will get a house.

How rude the way you speak to someone you don’t know @MrsJoanDanvers The right user name though.

It may be awful but it is hobsons choice for plenty of people. Do you put up with challenging parents in the hope that it secures your children's financial future or say sod it I'll burn my bridges and their chances of significant wealth.
I can only imagine that people freely criticising the op have never had to make those sorts of choices in reality, just hypothetically

Nope, not true for me. I do have a very difficult set of circumstances around my DPs and family of origin (I won't go into details under this username). I am low contact for DCs sake but undergone a lot of therapy to be able to do.

Like the OP's DPs, my DPs are also very well off with cash and assets but I've not even considered an inheritance for myself, nevermind DC, given the toxic relationships and deep hurt I feel. No money will make up for the hurt and pain of not having a happy upbringing and relationship. That's my own personal situation and everyone is different though I appreciate that.