Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

[DoveLisand]

My parents are quite toxic, they obviously love me and my siblings but forever see themselves as the parents. However as they are 70s and I am 50s this is leading to some quite unpleasant behaviour. I would have cut off anyone else that behaved to me as they do.

HOWEVER they are quite rich with quite a few properties and tho I don't need their money, I can't risk being disinherited for the DCs sake.

Nutshell: My parents are quite difficult.
They are beginning to decline, and are getting paranoid.
Only one has a POA
They have a crap relationship with each others which means they aren't very honest.
They won't share the will and only nominated one sibling as the executor.
They have property and a lax attitude to tax, so will want to 'dodge' as much tax as possible. I do NOT agree with it but it's likely to lead to under hand dealings.

Has anyone been through similar and has some good advice? I already have a therapist !

I totally understand where you are coming from op.

lol so much with the judgey pants ! My parents are TAX EVADING boomers (another trigger word). If HRMC catches up with my dad, then he'll be off to chokey, (or maybe lots of community service).

It's not possible for anyone young now to work hard enough to reap the rewards they reaped. Yes, they worked very very hard and took risks, and went without. However, if you work very hard now you cannot buy a nice big house for 27k, on one salary, it's now 800k. Polish your glasses and use a inflation calc for that one.

Again, I don't need to inherit their money. I also work hard. But I don't want them to disinherit my DC. It's unlikely my parents would do this, but it's too much money to risk.

Being nice to them won't damage me. I guess I have grieved for the relationship with them that I don't have. It is a shame as I have a great MIL who gets it, and it lovely. Sadly she lives too far away to be a role model for my parents.

This has been a useful thread, lots are people are in the same boat. And lots of the older generations weighing in showing that my parents won't change and will expect everything and probably deliver a divisive and unpleasant surprise in their will once they finally pass.

Hmmmm

I treat mine like a job. It's a risk, we might not win the tender but it's worth putting the bid together.
I've had some excellent and simultaneously unpleasant work colleagues, I think of my parents as similar but with potentially a bigger payout.
Reframing it like this is harsh, it's not what I want but it keeps the emotion out. My parents get cards and social expectations are generally met.

And to continue your metaphor ... then you also have to consider if actually the customer is going to be such a nightmare to work for that it's not worth doing the job.

I think that's the case for OP. Can she grin and bear it for whatever time frame she thinks it will be, or is the behaviour so awful that it's just not worth it.

Make your own money, model to your children not putting up with toxic behaviour. But be kind to them with strong boundaries.

I find your plan to be nice to your parents so you inherit pretty horrible to be honest.

If they are tax evading you would be better off not getting involved in the estate. I think any taxes due have to be paid upfront before you get your hands on the money.

Yes I am going to judge people who are maintaining a relationship purely for money - whether for their children or themselves, it is selfish, manipulative and toxic in it's own right. I can't stand disingenuous people.

I'm sorry but this lack of opportunities rubbish is just not true - I won't go into massive detail but myself and several friends come from lower income/council estate backgrounds but now all earning £85k - £120k. My parents had no connections, education, money or business knowledge so couldn't help me. There is a lot of opportunity out there if you actually look for it. I was on £18k in 2021 and earnt £93k this year, plus I've had a baby in that time. I decided I was stuck in a rut I didn't want to be in and started to apply for jobs I barely met the requirements for. Eventually I struck lucky. I was able to buy a house 6 months after starting that job and earning £30k/yr. I lived with a friend to save money (halving expenses). I now own 37% equity in that house just 3yrs later because I worked really hard to do that.

Financial security for your children should come from your own hard work, not expecting it from someone else's hard work. Your choice to have children, your responsibility to provide. Inheritance is an added bonus if it ever comes your way. The only exceptions I see to this are in farming/family businesses where the whole family works 140hrs/wk towards a common goal - then you would expect to inherit if you've worked on that understanding but at least they've contributed towards what they're actually inheriting.

I'm not saying that inheritance is a bad thing, I am saying that the way the OP has gone about it is really disturbing. If you inherit from someone you loved and cared about, that's different. If they inherit and they didn't care about them, so be it if it's the parents choice to leave it to them, but actively trying to see if they're in the will so they can decide if it's worth maintaining contact - that is just plain wrong. That's just my opinion.

There is no difference - this OP is in the same position as my parents. My Dad no longer has any relationship with his Mum. He chose sanity and self respect over money. I tried to continue a relationship for a few years because I felt bad that they were older and felt an obligation to care for them. I was young but eventually realised that relationships work both ways and it was just me making the effort so I gave up. She's never tried to contact me since other than a letter to say she was moving to New Zealand - no forwarding info and her phones cut off. Even when we were talking and on okay terms, I knew her house was for sale but she never told us. That was in covid times and I wasn't allowed to drive to see her. When we could see her outdoors, I offered to go and sit in the garden with her but she refused any visits. It was all just very odd. I know from their open discussions about inheritance in the past that us grandchildren were due to inherit directly, it would skip their children. They're probably giving it all to my cousins now and I couldn't care less.

So, yes I am just a grandchild but I know why my Dad cut contact and I was also one of the the ones due to inherit and I was the only one who cared for both grandparents after a car accident and during cancer treatment whereas my Dad never physically cared for them. So my relationship with them was better than Dad's

Just seen your update - my comments are more of the negative ones and that is because I am probably closer to your children's age than yours by the sounds of it and what you're saying about their opportunities is just the lazy version. I am 32 and my parents are 57. I earn £93k/yr (not in London or down south) and own a house. If your children put some effort into building a business/their career, they can earn a lot - I am proof of that, and 75% of my friends earn £80k+ because I surround myself with likeminded people. Only 1 comes from a privileged background. Yes it is a lot of money if they choose to disinherit you or your children. But it is not yours or your children's money to start with and you're acting as though it is. You need to get that bit out of your head because I've known MANY people be promised the world and it all gets left elsewhere or spent on care. Especially if your parents are spiteful. Live your life based on what you bring in and what you can offer to your children. You are the ONLY person who owes your children a helping hand, and then only if you can. If it is better for your mental health to cut contact, that is the best thing for your family because a stressed parent is not the best parent (or partner if you have one). That is the one and only thing to consider because nothing else is promised.

Yeah @SpaDaze that is kinda where I got to ! It is a shame but it's driven by their behaviour. I will save your post for re-reading. That and @PermanentTemporary 's . Be the adult. To be honest that is what upsets my 'D'Ps the most !

I can’t believe what I’ve read on this thread from some of you.

If your parents are genuinely toxic then removing their influence from your DCs’ lives is worth more than any post-care fees inheritance. You have one chance to show your DC that integrity matters.

I was NC with my toxic dad when he died and in financial terms lost out massively. But I have my self-respect which is worth more to me than a pile of cash I got from sucking up to someone I hated.

OP please think about this really carefully, you risk setting a really bad example to your kids of what they should tolerate from people just for money.

My (now adult) DC are getting an excellent role model of caring for older people whether they deserve it or not. They are learning how to handle challenging people, and how to develop, negotiate and enforce boundaries. They support me in managing the situation so that I don’t lose my cool and tell her exactly how appalling her behaviour is much of the time.
We don’t do that because she has no capacity to change, she would be both devastated and enraged, and would never recover. I have seen this play out with other family members and have brokered peace more than once.

As for you, @emilala , you are still very young. Your perspective may change with time.

But you don’t know the OP’s experience and whilst your post is informative and has some points, the wording you use is quite dismissive as comes across like you think shes some type of gold digger.

Lucky you to have a good relationship with your parents.

You might not have had financial help from your parents but it sounds like you had good parents. You don’t realise your privilege there that’s the point.

‘It’s not ok’ doesn’t pay the bills or get the dc a home in this market.
knife welding maniac parents, sure stay away but irritating ones, idk probably worth it.

Funny thing is that plenty of people automatically get their inheritance and hardly see their parents. OP should do the same, and maybe phone every few weeks to keep in touch.

Op said they will not damage her but they are just annoying and unpleasant.

After many many years of putting up with my toxic mother I finally went no contact 6 months ago. Her and my stepdad leaned on me for many years despite having a step brother and sister who didn't bother with them because of their toxic behaviour. My other brother died 18 years ago. I've been at their beck and call all my life until last summer when it became unbearable and I had to break free. I was always told I would be sole beneficiary in their will as the others didn't bother with them. Looking back they always used money as a carrot to me thinking that's what I value more than peace of mind. My step brother is back in the picture now which is fine. He can have them and all that goes with it. There's never any guarantees that you would benefit from their wills. Is it worth all the stress and mental health issues to you keep the status quo? How many more years would you have to keep playing the game? Some people can quite happily go along with a toxic family member to hopefully gain something from it. What if you spend the next x amount of years doing all you can to stay in favour and they just leave it all the the cats home etc etc. Personally I've spent 52 years on this planet trying to get her to love and even like me. I don't want to waste anymore time on her.

This has been a useful thread, lots are people are in the same boat. And lots of the older generations weighing in showing that my parents won't change and will expect everything and probably deliver a divisive and unpleasant surprise in their will once they finally pass. I really don’t see where you get this from. Most posters who give an indication of age are in your situation, with parents still alive. I can only imagine that you have assumed that anyone who disagrees is older, and then turned this around to say “lots of the older generations disagreeing”

Op said they will not damage her but they are just annoying and unpleasant.
A bit annoying is not the same thing as toxic.

I’m in the minority here but if I wouldn’t give someone my time for free I wouldn’t let them buy my time with the lure of potential inheritance.

I would say anyone who doesn’t/didn’t have truly toxic parents isn’t in a position to understand. You may make judgements of what you would/wouldn’t do from your ivory tower and pass moral judgement against others, but the fact you didn’t have to make any decisions shows your privilege so it’s irrelevant what you think.

To those that did cut off completely their toxic narcissistic parents and to protect their MH that’s understandable absolutely, even more so if you came from nothing and had no financial assistance. I’m sorry you had to endure I such shit parents.

Exactly. They may leave everything to a charity. I guess I would determine how much of a relationship with them to preserve my values/mental health, and then if I or children received anything, that is a bonus. I wouldn’t make it an expectation.

This is a bit different though. Toxic family dynamics are really difficult to disentangle.

To follow up on your example, OP already has "given her time for free" - in fact for years and years and years she's done that. In return she's had toxicity.

If OP goes no contact she is admitting to herself that she has no chance of ever having a lovely family relationship that most people take for granted. Her children have no chance of loving grandparents. She will never get "closure" for the way she was treated. It's likely that her parents will refuse to take any responsibility and blame her. I'm sure she would rather have these things than money. But, on the basis that she's not getting any of those things, I can see that feeling she (or her children) are at least owed "something" is hard to shake off.

It's the "I put myself through all that, and it was for nothing" feeling. For most people, even if there is no inheritance, the thing they got was love and continued family support and happy memories.

Completely agree with @SockFluffInTheBath There is a big difference between toxic people that you would not want your DC to be damaged by and normal flawed irritating people. Only the OP knows which camp her parents fall into.

Avoiding an estrangement purely for money is not a behaviour that I would want to model. We surely wouldn’t want our children to stay in abusive romantic relationships as adults due to the financial benefits.

The OP repeatedly says she is fine financially, this isn’t a case of her children’s only hope of escape from dire poverty.

Much as the self-excusing graspers on this thread would like me to be in an ivory tower I’m afraid I’m firmly of the second paragraph. Came from nothing, given nothing, worked for everything I have, cut out violent and abusive family (and lost associated inheritance) along the way.

If you choose to sell your time to family you don’t like that’s your choice and fine, but don’t complain about them, and don’t try to dress it up as something morally justifiable.

You accept that you and your children may never see any of their money. Your self respect and mental health is more important.

I am not suggesting you cut them off. I am just suggesting you draw whatever boundaries you need to be happy in your day to day life.

i am in a similar situation. My father abused me as a child and now tries to manipulate me with his money.

the reality is that no matter how much money there is, it may all go to care home fees or nursing care. A will can also be changed at the last minute. Until there is money in youR bank account and all the documents are signed, you can’t count on anything.