Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

[DoveLisand]

My parents are quite toxic, they obviously love me and my siblings but forever see themselves as the parents. However as they are 70s and I am 50s this is leading to some quite unpleasant behaviour. I would have cut off anyone else that behaved to me as they do.

HOWEVER they are quite rich with quite a few properties and tho I don't need their money, I can't risk being disinherited for the DCs sake.

Nutshell: My parents are quite difficult.
They are beginning to decline, and are getting paranoid.
Only one has a POA
They have a crap relationship with each others which means they aren't very honest.
They won't share the will and only nominated one sibling as the executor.
They have property and a lax attitude to tax, so will want to 'dodge' as much tax as possible. I do NOT agree with it but it's likely to lead to under hand dealings.

Has anyone been through similar and has some good advice? I already have a therapist !

You can’t control what they do with it once they have it though. They might blow it all on a yacht or donate the lot to charity

Have you ever considered they are playing you too?

I had a similar story, I totally get it.

I know someone who bent over backwards to support their dm , literally they did everything so her and put up with loads of abuse, went out of the way so she didn’t go in a care home, it really affected their own health, the dm had said if she went in a care home the daughter would get nothing, dm died, will was read-it all went to the bees trust (trust has been changed but it was a totally random trust that dm had never showed an interest in, daughter said she could understand if it was cats trust as dm liked cats). The person was gutted that they had sacrificed multiple things, family occasions, their own health, her own children and dm never had an intention of giving her anything.

When did all the boards become like the vitriolic cesspit that is AIBU?

The thing is, you could very easily make yourself miserable putting up with toxic behaviour just to find out later that you've been disinherited anyway.

In Scotland there is a law that children have to inherit a certain percentage of the moveable estate. However, this does not include property (which is the main part of most estates) and it is common to ask children to waive their right to that share. That can be perfectly reasonable (e.g. when a man leaves everything to his wife and their children agree they want their mother to have the money while she is still alive) or it can not (e.g. it's still common in farming families to leave everything to the eldest son).

Forget the sneering judgement on here and put your children first. So ignore the nasty comments and have your boundaries.

But be prepared for a nasty surprise after they die. Hope it doesn’t happen but there’s a good chance it will. So support them to a degree, put up with the awful comments, but mindfully consider what may be coming further firm the line.

Wow.

Honestly, why bother posting?

You don’t mention DGC but imply your current financial situation. Imagine the future, you as a quite rich DGP with AC who find you quite toxic but stay around in the hope of benefitting their children. When you’ve 70+ years of witnessing life, as your parents have, will you be aware of your ACs’ thoughts? Probably yes. Would you like it?

True but unlikely with that generation. And OP is setting boundaries to avoid making themselves miserable.

It's worth a shot anyway so good luck to you @DoveLisand

This.

The best advice I guess @DoveLisand is to follow the advice given when dealing with narcissistic people - the grey rock approach.

In a nutshell, the gray rock method is a technique in which a person does not respond emotionally to attempts to be manipulated by someone who is controlling or narcissistic. Instead, one acts like a “gray rock”: dull and boring. By being emotionally detached from the narcissist, one weakens their attempts, causing them to become uninterested in the pursuit because it removes what the narcissist wants: full attention.

Many of us have experienced the challenge of having a narcissistic family member, friend, romantic partner, or coworker. The narcissist in our life may be emotionally, verbally, and/or physically abusive to some degree. Although terminating the relationship would be ideal, it may be difficult or impossible with this person at this time.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-time-cure/202211/when-dealing-narcissist-the-gray-rock-approach-might-help

I agree with this; some dreadful posts, which are themselves quite toxic. I write as someone who was disinherited by my father. Parents are ultimately responsible for providing for your children, not grandparents who have already raised you. Nice if you get something but not a given.

Hi OP. I understand where you're coming from.

There isn't an easy answer.

You have to ask yourself just how much this bothers you, and weigh it up.

Would you really go no contact with them if it wasn't for your children? Are they truly that unpleasant or do they have any redeeming qualities? You said they were good parents when you were young so do you not have some love for them somewhere in you?

Do they care about your children/ have any kind of positive connection with them?

There's a lot between parents being a bit annoying/ wanting to parent again/ having views and opinions that are different to yours (my parents are like this) - and actually wanting to cut them out of your life.

You decide where the line is, but my parents would have to do something pretty bad for me to actually go no contact, even though I find them difficult on many levels.

Are there any examples of the sort of thing they actually do that you find problematic?

If you really do feel strongly that they are awful and you would be no contact if not for your children, then you have a couple of choices really:

1)Swallow it, deny your own feelings (pretty toxic for your own health tbh), "play nice" in order to get the money.
2) Try to limit contact whilst not actually cutting them out - call them a bit less, be a bit more distant, but be there when they really need you. I'd guess you'll still have to bite your tongue a lot.
3) Cut contact anyway. You say you don't need the money, it would be nice to have for your children, but is it actually worth it?

I'd probably try to go for something like number 2, but it would not be a very pleasant way to live.

That’s absolutely appalling. The mother must have been done kind of nasty bastard.

In Scotland you can’t disinherit your kids, we should adopt that here.

I'm in the same position.

The behaviour is bad enough (and had such a detrimental effect on me and my family) that no amount of money would make up for it. I tried low contact, grey rock etc before going no contact.

My DC were teens when I went no contact. It's quite clear from conversations we had at that point, that they would have preferred that I'd done it earlier. I hadn't appreciated the full impact of my parents' toxic behaviour on them. I thought I had protected them from it. I hadn't.

Also remember no guarantee that there will be any money (spent on care) or that your DC will get it anyway.

Parents are ultimately responsible for providing for your children, not grandparents who have already raised you

Whist this is true under normal circumstances, whereby you have descent good parents, they bring you up and provide well for you, when you have parents who are toxic, you feel robbed of good parents.

Being raised in a shit environment where parents are abusive etc is so detrimental that it can cause life long trauma. My parent
was so shit that I think the one decent thing they could do would be to leave some money for my children to help them
in life. I’m sure they won’t because that’s what they’re like.

The very fact you're more concerned about money than removing toxic people from your life says a lot about you - and not in a good way. My grandparents are wealthy, but my Grandad has since passed and my Nana became incredibly toxic. She always was, but my Grandad toned it down a bit so since his passing, she just got worse. My sister completely cut her out of her life because Nana was always spiteful to her. Nana doesn't speak to my Dad or his brother anymore either. Bearing in mind, it was me who went to nurse my Grandad in his final weeks, me who nursed both Nana and Grandad after a major car crash led them to have 2 and 5 broken vertebrae respectively, plus my Nana was bed bound for months afterwards with other complications. It was me who drove my Nana to the hospital and gave her my bed to stay in so she could be closer to my Grandad's hospital. This was because I was trying to be a good granddaughter and do the right thing.

I eventually contacted her less and less because she was lying to me about certain things and deliberately nasty and causing drama. Eventually she moved to live with my Aunt in New Zealand and I haven't chased contact since because my life is better without her in it. The money doesn't even factor into our decisions, it's about whether a relationship is worth maintaining. My great uncle started hovering around after my Grandad passed and I know it's because he's after the money - he's welcome to it!

What if you spend your life in misery just to claim the inheritance and they donate it all to the dog shelter??? It is NOT your money, it is not your children's money, they could decide to gamble it all away out of spite or give it to someone you don't even know. Their money is exactly that, their money. I am not surprised they won't share the Will, it's actually none of your business what they do with their estate and to be totally honest, I think they can see that you are also no angel in all of this, you're literally just hanging around like a vulture to pick at what's left when they're gone. Your behaviour is also toxic making you no better than they are.

Your children would be better off with no inheritance and with you setting a better example tbh. Teach them to earn their own money instead! Teach them not to put a financial value on a relationship - which is exactly what you're currently doing. You are not disadvantaging them by risking losing out on inheriting, but you are definitely disadvantaging them by teaching them it's okay to hang around for money like a stray dog waiting for scraps.

I've done no 2. It's not pleasant but I feel guilty about hating him but have to protect myself. Mine isn't mostly about money but I do feel I deserve some after the crap I've had to tolerate. Now in a care home so that will probably burn through any inheritance

With all due respect, you say your grandma was toxic not your actual parent. There is a difference.

@emilala Quite an unpleasant and judgemental angle you are coming from there.

It's easy to judge someone for putting so much importance on money.

However, in the world we are currently living in, the sad truth is that money is important.

There is no way that any of our children are going to have the same opportunities that we did - even people currently in their 20's, 30's and 40's - many of whom are struggling financially and can't hope to get on the property ladder - have it easier than our children will.

Life will get more expensive, and harder, over the coming decades. There will be climate crises and war in our children's futures. A lot of healthcare will become privatised. Money will not solve all of the problems, but people who have money will find life is less difficult. And it is not as easy to 'just go out and earn' as it used to be. The truth of it is that people who stand to inherit money will be at a distinct advantage.

I would not judge OP or anyone for doing what they need to do to try and get some financial security for their children.

Interesting. All and sundry telling OP to just put up with abuse only because of the financial gain that may, or may not, come her way.
Pathetic!
OP have some self-respect, for goodness sake. If your parents are vile individuals, then kick then out of your life and they can shove their properties where the sun don't shine.

Self-respect is subjective.