Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

[DoveLisand]

My parents are quite toxic, they obviously love me and my siblings but forever see themselves as the parents. However as they are 70s and I am 50s this is leading to some quite unpleasant behaviour. I would have cut off anyone else that behaved to me as they do.

HOWEVER they are quite rich with quite a few properties and tho I don't need their money, I can't risk being disinherited for the DCs sake.

Nutshell: My parents are quite difficult.
They are beginning to decline, and are getting paranoid.
Only one has a POA
They have a crap relationship with each others which means they aren't very honest.
They won't share the will and only nominated one sibling as the executor.
They have property and a lax attitude to tax, so will want to 'dodge' as much tax as possible. I do NOT agree with it but it's likely to lead to under hand dealings.

Has anyone been through similar and has some good advice? I already have a therapist !

Yes you’re right, I should’ve moderated my language. But the OP comes across as very mercenary-to say her parents are ‘urgh’ yet wanting their money. Saying too much at stake and they’ll never notice she’s faking it? Do they really have no qualities she appreciates? It’s like the old saying that you can marry someone rich purely for their money but you’ll earn every penny. OP, the way to go is to suck it up, smile sweetly and earn your dc’s inheritance.

@MrsJoanDanvers , as I said your username suits you.

To OP: you’ll get better understanding of the issue with your therapist. That’s where truth growth is. Unfortunately lots of people eg @MrsJoanDanvers come on MN to project, to be unpleasant and to judge people they have no genuine or substantive knowledge of.

I don’t think PP or I hate our parents. DF was a lovely man, DM is a damaged, difficult woman.

I can’t abandon her to isolation- and I’m the one that puts most effort into her.

I think actually- and I’m working this out on the run- it’s more about maintaining cordial relationships as people get harder and harder with age, and you don’t feel particularly warmly towards them.

These are people who are dramatic and demanding and meet any resistance with rage and threats. So it’s not just about keeping your inheritance. It’s about having invested years and years of emotion, effort and indeed money, and not wanting that to end in rage and excommunication because you couldn’t bring them a tin of baked beans on the day they demanded.

I don't think @MrsJoanDanvers is wrong. The OP clearly dislikes her parents, perhaps with good reason and has no time for them, but is determined to hang on to a relationship so her children inherit from them (apparently she doesn't need their money)

There is no way this could be described as healthy or empowered behaviour.

On a serious note how do you know you have been included in the will at all?

Well considering that OP has no control of this money, that her parents have free will and are, from what OP has said, already behaving in a manner that sets apart one of their children, there may be disappointment ahead.

It's not Hobson's Choice, it's pure greed and entitlement over someone else's money. Imagine having sucking up to people that you don't like and have no time for, in the hope that you can get their money. Secure your own children's financial future through your own means, that's what plenty of people do.

Or behave like a grasping, ill-bred sycophant. That too is a choice. I am a bit surprised that this thread is on AIBU rather than one of the more relevant boards but then this board is full of tales.

How on earth can you type that with a straight face? This OP is hugely unpleasant and has chosen to air their very dirty laundry on AIBU in some detail. That is on the OP and they are hard-nosed enough to not need a cheerleader.

I’ve been in this situation and quite frankly it’s not worth it. I stopped seeing my mother when my children were born as any relationship she would have had with them would be damaging. She died last year and in the end she chose to skip me and leave her money to my children. You can’t control people and people shouldn’t be able to control you through their money. Ultimately you need to decide what level of contact with them you can tolerate and let them choose what they do with their money.

This is on the elderly parents board not AIBU so you can get off your high horses. And polish your glasses.

My parents were good parents when I was young, just went increasingly badly as I grew into an adult. They haven’t got a great relationship with my DC because they wanted to be the parents all over again so told the children off a lot. Doesn’t go down well. My dc call me out on my behaviour if I do something like my parents, it’s actually given us some good conversations.

It’s not really a case of needing to suck up, just more do I ignore behavior from my parents that I would not accept from other people? That is the crux of it.

I asked for tips, which some users have given, thank you.

@PermanentTemporary makes a good point. That is probably the best way to look at it.

I have self centred parents.
When the DC were young, I kept a polite distance.
I find it hard now they are teens and early twenties, my parenting and my memories of being parented reveal how shit their attitudes were at times. I am more truthful with the kids now they are older, we don't make a thing of unconditional love. We talk about respect, duty, performative duty, kindness and public display.
My parents are all about public display so I organise cards for all occasions, often one each from the kids, fake the handwriting of they're not around. Flowers are popular so the neighbours get to see the delivery and hear all about it.
It's all performative, it does make me sad but then they will say something monstrous which resets the boundaries.
I'm more honest with friends and colleagues about them, don't pretend it's happy families.
And I keep my parents on any information diet avoiding flash points sticking to health, local news, pictures of the cat. They know very little on our lives now and if questioned I blame COVID for the split, changed everything rather than the truth. It's a kind lie for them

Good, it's moved now. It was on AIBU. Hope you get what you're looking for OP.

I’m in a similar situation OP but with one parent as other one died. It’s a headfuck but my parent is a nasty piece of work that the most I can offer is ‘Checking in’ on the by phone once every few weeks as I can’t tolerate their narcissistic personality.

The only reason I have any contact is to I do f scupper my own DC chance of getting inheritance - SEN so needs all the help they can get. People might sh that’s awful but I’m doing it for the sake of my DC, which is something my parent would never do for me or sibling.

They try to use money to manipulate and control. I don’t need it but as I say it would help my DC and my parent is that spiteful that they’ve probably already sold their house to one of those equity release schemes. They are very very selfish but o don’t want to go completely NC incase I mess it up for my kids.

I confess I don’t really understand what the point of your post is. Your parents are wealthy but increasingly unpleasant to be around, but you think maybe you should overlook their bad behaviour so that you / your children can eventually inherit from them? And you want us to give you advice on how to maintain some kind of relationship with then, while secretly loathing the way they behave?

i think it’s really hard OP. I don’t think I could maintain that kind of performative, transactional relationship for long. What does your therapist think? Surely it’s damaging for you to do this.

I mean, I guess you can paste on a happy smile and fake it? For how long?

Pils are toxic people. It took me a long time to figure out how to deal with it -

Smile and nod and give them as little information as possible. All pleasant conversation but nothing of substance discussed or divulged. Eventually they lose interest in creating drama with you because there's none to be found.

Hard nosed would be the op saying "my parents have disinherited me, therefore would I be unreasonable to never see them again or help them in their old age as a punishment"

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe the thread was never on AIBU - but do double down.

I guess there are those that get it and those that don’t. I don’t think keeping touch with them will damage me, it will just be quite annoying and unpleasant.

You’ve no idea if you or your children are even included in their will. And yes, I have got experience of this kind of situation (and in my experience the unpleasant parent had written everyone out of the will so don’t hold your breath!). I think your attitude is revolting tbh. No one is entitled to an inheritance even from nice parents!

How would that be hard nosed? That would be perfectly reasonable.
Disinheritance would equal bye bye.

This is a UK attitude. Oh it can go to the cats home. Other countries have forced heirship. Of course dc should expect to inherit equally, unless they have done something terrible/criminal. Plus inheritance is often multi generational, I would hate my dc to pass their inheritance that I gave them on to anyone other than my blood gc.

So bizarre - people are obviously very triggered by inheritance and entitlement.

Let’s try again.

my parents were recently very rude and unpleasant to me and my husband.
If they were anyone else I’d cut them off.
however they are rich and I do not wish my choices to impact the DC.

I was asking for advice in ‘elderly parents’ on how to best put up with it.

By keeping a civil distance and allow their toxicity to go over your head.

by faking it!

Just smile sweetly and ignore

But it's not ok for the op to keep putting up with her parents in the hope she will get it 🤔

your logic is flawed.

You've just got to play the long game op.

My biological dad is quite wealthy, I didn't meet him till I was 25. He's actually a bit of a cunt and is the most arrogant person I've ever met.

If he didn't have money that I had my eye on, I'd have fired him off 20 years ago. But he left mum in poverty when I was 12 months old which lead to catastrophic life choices on her behalf, fucked off to America to become a fancy finance guy, and then swanned back to the UK without a care in the world 15 years later. Million pound house bought in cash, never needs to work again.

I pray he dies before my lovely mum and that I inherit so I can ease her day to day life with what time she has.

And I could not give a tinkers fig if that's entitled or grabby.