Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Understand this so much. My sister and I retired within 2 months of each other. We share a couple of sports we enjoy together so it made sense we could then enjoy them together. Within two weeks our parents became ‘needier’ than ever to the point they ‘told us’ what they would be expecting of us. When we both said we have plans but would try and help where we could we were admonished.

We both have our own families and grandchildren. None of that mattered. Our briothers wife actually asked us ‘what do you do all day?’. I feel for everyone in this quagmire of the elderly who seem so entitled yet unwilling to look at anything that could make life easier other than their middle aged frazzled kids being on tap to deliver food, clean, stress etc etc etc.

Don't hesitate, carve out a day for yourself and do not tell anyone about it who might abuse it. In my case I take Mondays, no exceptions, and only my husband (who is retired) knows. As far as anyone else is concerned, it is a work day for me. It enables me to break the cycle that revolves round my mother. She is in very good health (at 84) and living well in a retirement flat, loving her new social life, but would take more of my time as her right if she could, and historically I have had difficulty saying no. Initially Mondays out meant I took a financial hit (being self-employed) but that is starting to balance out a bit, because I am healthier and happier and so am pulling in more and better work on the remaining days of the week. Of course I am still one of the thousands of 50-somethings who aren't earning at capacity and have taken a step down in career and pension because of family responsibilities...Still working on how I feel about that.
I don't like being less than frank with family but given their attitudes, it is necessary. They push me regularly to give up work entirely, effectively to live as a dependant of the wider family, but looking at the experience of other women in the family, by implication I would be regarded as available as mother's help and companion indefinitely. That has never been on my agenda and at the moment it wouldn't be good for Mum either. Having this one day per week has healed me...not an exaggeration. My friendships have grown back, my marriage has recovered, and I am far less resentful when I do see Mum, once a week for a morning or afternoon and lunch out.
Please do try to make your situation work for you. It isn't selfishness. I accept I have (shared) responsibilities towards Mum, but how I discharge those responsibilities is not for my family to dictate.

DH and I have just spent the weekend clearing PILs loft. Clearly they have never sorted it out ever. The 50 year old blankets in disintegrating plastic bags were the worst and the very dusty spare duvet and curtain collection. It took three trips to the local dump to clear it to a manageable level.

We're back now to MILs moaning about BIL. He came and looked after her but apparently he spoke about his wife and child too much. I did point out that he was talking about her grandchild but no she obviously wanted more attention lavished on her.

DO IT!!

I’ve deleted the rest of my post because@Thoseshoeslookcomfy says it much better.

I very nearly instigated some road rage this evening. Queuing to turn right into heavy traffic, some were turning left but not enough to safely turn right and some utter utter bastard behind me beeped his horn a couple of times and was giving angry gestures from my rear view mirror.

I'm normally an incredibly calm person but I felt like getting out of the car approaching this cretin and screaming at him. Instead I screamed into my car.

On way back from visiting hospital where DF is really badly declining. I'm afraid he won't last the week. I think I need to invest in a punchbag.

Sorry to hear that @RomanMum

@RomanMum try to look after yourself, easier said than done in tough times. We’re always here to vent to.

Thank you all. It was just a moment of madness.

Sadly as I suspected, my lovely DF passed away yesterday morning, surrounded by family. It's been a surreal couple of days while we come to terms with it and start the admin process.

Sorry for you loss @RomanMum

sorry for your loss @RomanMum 🌺

@RomanMum I’m sorry for your loss, I hope your DF was peaceful at the end.

Sorry for your loss @RomanMum .

Thinking of you @RomanMum take your time to process everything, other than initial paperwork you do not have to rush any other arrangements so do it at a pace that works for you and the family xx

Sorry to hear about your DF @RomanMum.

@RomanMum

I'm feeling done in at the moment.
Hideous visit to mum this week.
She is in complete denial that there is anything wrong with her - memory issues (diagnosed with alzheimer's in 2020), hearing loss (has had aids for 4 years but insists she doesn't need them, I don't even know where they are now), falls risk (can get herself up but has needed medical treatment for resulting injuries 3 times in the last year), clothes literally in rags.
She sabotages anything I do to help her maintain independence like providing equipment to help her hear the phone, doesn't recognise actual issues like not answering the phone and decides something that isn't a problem (e.g. equipment that is working perfectly) is a problem and tries to deal with it herself creating an actual big problem.
This week I've had tantrums and tears and been told not to bother seeing her if she's such a problem. Apparently I should be grateful if she freezes to death.
Recent capacity assessments all good because SS turn up without letting me know and she tells them her fantasy life where she's still travelling the world with her hobby she gave up nearly 20 years ago and managing her finances online when she's never used internet banking and even her paper bill is sorted by DB.
Just needed a rant really.

@countrygirl99 I recognise a few things there. You have my sympathies.

DM is always fiddling with things and ‘losing’ them. She keeps hiding the doorbell amplifier for example.

When we had a zoom call with SS she was on top form, fully made up, best clothes, hair done, remembering everything.

She was horrible at the weekend, still in the hospital after falling, wanting to go home and wrote a very nasty note about me and DB abandoning her which DB found. We had all the ‘don’t bother seeing me’ etc. She’d mellowed a bit by Tuesday but then got transferred late yesterday to the reablement centre (which thankfully is a 15 minute walk from where I live).
Got a call at 11:30 pm asking if we could come in as she was very unsettled but by the time I got there she was asleep.
I am dreading going to see her this afternoon. I expect she’ll be furious.

@BestIsWest you just can't do right can you.

Oh God @countrygirl99. It's impossible to see anything getting easier from that lot.

Please ignore the rest of this - I know it's annoying to produce bright ideas when you're at the end if your tether. I also forget the details of everyone's story I'm afraid.

The only thing I would say is, as a family member you are just as able to assess mental capacity as a badged professional- the CHC says that family members can act as assessors.

You could take a decision like eg a decision to refuse care, and assess your mum's mental capacity. I think the CHC guidance is quite good. There's a million YouTube videos - I've just watched one called 'Using the mental capacity act in the community' by Kingston and Richmond NHS foundation trust. You could have a discussion and, then if theres no demonstrated capacity, you could write to SS saying that in your view given X, Y and Z on this date [for example] your mother lacks capacity to refuse care and requesting they reinstate it. Maybe that might prod them into action, if only to contact you.

But tbh they have a responsibility for their decisions. You shouldn't have to do this.

@countrygirl99 what a complete nightmare. It never fails to amaze me how they suddenly get it together so completely for SS. I do sometimes wonder if the rest of the time the helplessness is embellished for our sake. Do whatever it takes to preserve yourself. Perhaps you have a sudden bout of covid?

@BestIsWest a call that time of night is not fair, just because you’re local does not mean you’re a finger-click away at all times. What would happen if you didn’t go today?

@PermanentTemporary that’s a really useful post (to someone not currently drowning), thank you!

Ugh the mood swings. Yes, we get being old sucks balls sometimes.
No it's not our fault and we don't appreciate it being taken out on us.
The possible upside of my relative spending a couple of day refusing food, drink and meds (+) is that she is now getting weekly visits from a lady with the Elderly Mental Health team. That's got to be good, having someone to talk to who's "outside of it all".

Mine is pretty together (upsets aside) but I still get contacted with Mystery IT Questions. Wonder if I can coach her in taking screenshots?

(+) The poor carers had to ring 111 every time as they weren't qualified to judge how important a particular med was...

Yes, mine does this. Presents a perfectly reasonable persona to medical people and male relatives. Can drive to the other side of the country, go on holiday, coping well with everything, doing shopping for other people and driving them to hospital, visiting friends, enjoying meals out etc.

Then lots of theatrical moaning and groaning about how much she's struggling in front of me (if male relatives not around. If he is, it's switched off).

I'm not sure she's realised how obvious it is. She used to get away with it more before social media because the various people in her life were more separate. Now they cross over.

@countrygirl99 i sympathise. The word “sabotage” rings very true.

Feeling very heavy today after weekly visit to DPs yesterday. There are multiplying jobs on the house that need doing and DF is increasingly unable to organise anything or follow up, so it falls on my list; and DM obstructs, disagrees, sabotages and does anything she can to stick to status quo, which is a dirty, chaotic house strewn with hoarded rubbish and old possessions.

Yesterday they had a full on row about whether to get rid of an old upright tub DM is using as a water butt. One leg has rusted off so it’s tipped a bit and needs a new pipe to connect it to the downpipe. DF wants to chuck it and buy a proper water butt; DM adamant No. She won’t let go of objects. I think the real issue is that this tub used to be an old top loading washing machine from her dead sister’s house, which was the house she grew up in. She can’t get rid of it. I finally figured out on the drive home yesterday that she probably thinks that if she still has objects from her past then she can deny that change happens, that things and people wear out, and that she is going to die. It comes out as a hoarding disorder and intense hostility (though she has always been argumentative, I say to DH that she could argue with herself in an empty room).

So it’s impossible to engage with that mindset and get anything done. Won’t have a cleaner because that would involve clearing out and tidying to the level that someone could actually come and clean. Then complains she has to do it. I try to explain. Not having it. (I’m not doing it, not falling into that trap). Everything has a barrier. It’s exhausting.

Also when they were shouting at each other yesterday, and it was stressful to be in the room, it reminded me that I grew up in that atmosphere. I hated it.

So, TL:DR, DM is a mentally ill hoarder, it’s driving me nuts, I’m thinking seriously now about therapy although I always thought I would embark on that after they were gone, and in the meantime I fantasise about skips…

Mum does have carers twice a day plus now for additional one off stuff like dressing change appointments. But even that has been a nightmare as she forgets to take herself to appointments but is quite capable of phoning the surgery to cancel the next appointment when the carer has taken her or making sure she is out when someone arrives to take her. Plus a cleaner who now has to do the laundry as well since last month but mum won't let her throw out socks that are more hole than socks. This visit she has unplugged and hidden tech to help her know the phone is ringing and must be on the British Gas engineers Christmas card list (there's nothing wrong with her heating).

@MotherOfCatBoy that sounds difficult. It’s easy enough for a stranger on the internet to say “minimum standards” - at the end of the day does the water butt (for example) really matter, and let your parents just argue about it when you’re not there. Focus on safety and welfare.

It took therapy for me to get to that point to be able to do as I say - now mum is in a home and I’m clearing her house it’s a lot easier without her there and also to arrange the required maintenance.

i do get the emotional attachment to objects though, i can feel it in me too - on my last visit i found a stash of textiles including offcuts of fabric from when she’d had curtains made, some of which are going back 50 years. The sheets from when I was a kid. Huge memories triggered. Even up to a couple of years ago I’d want to keep everything, but I think doing this and also clearing MILs house has improved my thinking. So far the only things I’ve brought home are photographs, toilet roll from the extensive stash, and some lovely little vintage liqueur glasses that I adored as a child and DB is fine for me to keep. I’m trying to “Kondo” my way through the rest of it!