Saying they are poor but they are not?

[Orangesandlemons77]

I keep getting told by elderly MIL how poor she is 'on the breadline' but she really is not.

She owns her own house, gets her state pension and her husbands from when he was employed, then also gets attendance allowance, which adds up to quite a bit.

Bit she keeps going on about every penny and how much things cost, the winter fuel allowance etc - she has quite a bit more than we do and we need to budget for four.

Anyone else got this? What is it about I wonder?

Does she get all the benefits e.g. AA if needed, I wouldn't offer to pay it if they can afford it.

If she gets attendance allowance then presumably she is either quite elderly and/or has significant health issues which require supervision and help. Is she actually financially able? Many older women left the finances to their husbands and she might be unclear about her income and outgoings.

Even if she previously was financially competent she may be losing that as she ages although not to the extent that you have noticed it. My mum who was a sharp as a tack in her younger years went through a stage where she must have felt very insecure about both her memory and the finances as she would repetitively ask dad or me about what would happen 'when the money ran out'. We drew up a summary of income and expenditure to try and alleviate the fear but it took a lot of patience to keep reassuring her.

You also say she is making up stories about people kissing her on the bus. It could be that she is craving affection and is making the stories up. But do you know for sure that she isn't overstepping boundaries and hugging and kissing people she regularly sees on the bus? Losing understanding of social norms can be an early sign of some kinds of dementia. My mum now lives in a care home and I have seen her hug the staff and heard her telling them she loves them. It's a lovely home and the staff tell her they love her back as that is the easiest thing to do.

One thing is for sure - she is ageing every week and you don't know what is around the corner. Strokes, heart attacks, accidents can happen without warning. She needs to set up POA asap. Perhaps your DH could say you and he are also getting them set up for yourselves 'just in case' anything happens to one of you and it is a sensible thing for her to do as well?

Thank you for this, actually we were in a cafe the other day and she went up hugging one of the staff and sort of waving and saying Hi to all the other staff in a bit of an odd way, and then told me they are 'all her friends'. She also likes trying on clothes in the local charity shop and parading them in front of the assistant, asking for their opinion etc.

But I am not sure if that is more her nature or not as she can be quite attention seeking.

I'm going to keep an eye on it all, somehow I seem to have ended up the default carer. I will speak to DH about the PoA again. She doesn't seem to 'trust' it.

Regarding strokes etc, yes this is a concern, she 'won't take pills' which includes the statins and BP meds from the GP, and has had sky high BP in the past. Also has salt on everything.

It's a worry.

Yes I tried getting the PoA set up for myself that didn't help unfortunately. Maybe she doesn't trust her family. Not sure. I told her an elderly neighbour got one as well and she said 'she must have been watching those adverts on the TV" Maybe she doesn't understand it? Oh I am not sure. I think DH needs to try and deal with it with his siblings really.

Perhaps come at it from the angle of the complications if she doesn't set it up before she needs it.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/power-of-attorney/what-happens-if-you-dont-have-a-power-of-attorney/

I think maybe DH and his siblings should be doing this, I don't really want to be the attorney myself.

Sounds like she is mixing up power of attorney and pre paid funeral plans which are always being advertised on daytime tv.

Could be seen as a form of dementia in its own way.

Is there anyway anybody has been scamming her with her mentioning odd things like people kissing her at the bus stop.

I agree that the siblings should be getting this sorted between them. Or dealing with the consequences of not being able to get her to agree. Perhaps a trusted person like a GP advising her to give someone PoA would help?

Your mil can choose whoever she trusts to be her POA. Most people would choose one of their children. I think you can even choose more than one person to be POA.

From what you say her behaviour seems unusual although that might be how she has always been. Becoming more extreme in her 'unusual but normal to her' behaviour can also be an early sign of dementia. Do you know why she refuses to take her medications?

I don't think so- scams- I do keep telling her not to trust any e.g. texts and to contact her bank directly for example.

"Doesn't like taking pills" "All the doctors do is give you pills these days"

On what basis does she get Attendance Allowance? !

It does seem like normal behaviour which has always been somewhat narcissistic / grandiose is getting a bit more extreme, yes.

Mainly physical issues, it is private / outing sorry.

Has she no logical thinking about the doctor telling her her heart is not working properly and she needs to take the tablets to stay healthy/ alive?

She sounds bloody difficult!

Yes, she is. Very fixed opinions, wants to do the opposite of anything sensible / suggested just to be contrary. I do wonder if maybe the siblings would find it easier to let SS take over (regarding PoA)

She did have a minor stroke and even after me talking about how another person who had the same, started taking their meds to prevent another one, she wouldn't listen.

I think I will share my concerns with DH and let him / his siblings deal with it, might be easier. I am already doing quite a bit of support.

I was hoping it would inspire her to realise how silly she is not turning the heating on but I also can’t imagine it would be that expensive. If we are cold then we turn the heating on and we don’t pay £200 for both.

she does get a state pension, a small private pension and attendance allowance. I believe that’s all and that’s all she’d entitled to. I’d still be happy to pay. Being cold is awful.

But yes, she absolutely can afford it. There’s no question.

might be worth her getting a benefits check as I hear some can get pension credit with AA, also is she getting the single persons council tax discount

Thanks - she has the single person discount but I will definitely check the credits. I think my mum has already done this as there is a lot of chatter about a friend who never worked and gets pension credits so receives a significant amount more despite never planning for the future. She loves GB news and Nigel farage but I still don’t want to see her cold.

She's a pensioner! She has low/ limited income have some empathy!!

Isn't A A attendance allowance to pay someone to help you or am I wrong?

It can be spent on whatever you want.

It's intended to help towards costs arising from your care needs, which needn't mean an actual carer - it can be physio, taxis, ready-prepped food, social activities to support mental wellbeing etc. But there's no obligation to spend it on an 'approved' type of help, and if you want to use it for any general spending or savings then you can.