Saying they are poor but they are not?

[Orangesandlemons77]

I keep getting told by elderly MIL how poor she is 'on the breadline' but she really is not.

She owns her own house, gets her state pension and her husbands from when he was employed, then also gets attendance allowance, which adds up to quite a bit.

Bit she keeps going on about every penny and how much things cost, the winter fuel allowance etc - she has quite a bit more than we do and we need to budget for four.

Anyone else got this? What is it about I wonder?

So if her pension is more than the tax free allowance of just under £13000 she pays tax....but just over £1000 a month isn't a lot. How effective is her heating mines shit, she still pays other bills all be it reduced like council tax and water rates. They may have borrowed etc.
I think you have to stop comparing your situation to yours we can always find people we go appear better off than us. It's a waste of energy.

@Orangesandlemons77 if you feel there is an issue with dementia, I think you need to start looking at it with that angle.

Yes some older people like to moan about money. There are many reasons for that. But what you want to look further are symptoms of dementia like repeating themselves and not remembering theyve told you before. Maybe the frequency of those grumbles etc…. But more importantly if it happens with other subjects.

Id try to step back from your annoyance and try to look at it as an enquiry, with curiosity.
So Mum is telling me about money again. Is telling me the exact same thing, with the same words than yesterday? Does she remember my answer (maybe ask her?)? Etc….

My mother does this regularly - despite having 80% of my dad's private pension, plus a widow's pension, plus the house paid off etc. She also has tens of thousands in her bank. I think as my parents struggled for years, it has been hard to adjust to the fact that she is now very comfortable. She grew up poor, so it might just be a mindset.

My uncle also said the same for years, now he will have to go into assisted living and we are helping to sort it out for him - well it turns out he has two pensions totalling nearly €3,000 a month, and almost €150k accumulated in his current account from never spending money. This is a guy who wouldn't buy a new washing machine when his old one broke because they are too expensive and washed his clothes in the bath, wouldn't buy a new phone when he lost his old one (we had to buy him one), wouldn't spend money unless he absolutely had to, and acted like he had nothing. He doesn't have dementia or cognitive decline he's just miserly.

My mum was like this. V poor growing up and well into our childhood. She just couldn't comprehend she had plenty of money having spent most of a lifetime worrying about it.

We just tried to reassure her she was fine - her income, although not masses covered her outgoings, she owned the house and had some savings.

It was just such an ingrained mindset, which is horrible when she was absolutely fine. Mind you I do think many older people do just like to worry about things as they have plenty of time to dwell on it!

Really? The other people I know on a final salary pension get the same as their final salary was!
Maybe I'm wrong in my parents case then, although when they've talked figures they still have a higher income than me. Not saying they shouldn't have, or they don't deserve it, but to hear them always saying how poor they are grates a little

Most older people are thrifty and dislike prices rising even a little. Lots of people moan about money, some more justified than others. If she owns her own home yes that makes a difference and no, paying for 2 repairs a year is not the same as paying a private rip off rent to own nothing after your entire life. If you can see the figures or know the figures with confidence and know she can manage then it's just a moan, shut it down gently if you can, or put up with it if you can't or don't want to challenge it.

I work in benefits for older people and they are absolutely all moaning about the loss of the wfp. I regularly come across people who own their own house and have upwards of £500 a week to live off and are still going on about how they will manage. I guess if you are on a fixed income it just plays on your mind but sometimes when people call our help line saying they are struggling on £500 a week I just want to ask them what they are exactly spending it on ! Even if they had to pay out £100 a week for extortionate heating bills, it still leaves a lot.

As I have already explained, she gets around £500 AA every month which is non means tested and non taxable.

That doesn't seem to be a concern.

Yep. My DF pleads poverty then gleefully admits to being able to Save 400 pounds a month. When we ask him what it's for, he says "well it's what I've always done."
We have no designs on getting our hands on his money, we'd far rather he spent it all on having a lovely life instead of penny pinching.

to be honest being a pensioner is very scary at the moment. my partner is retiring in two months time and it is very scary. our idea a year ago was his private pension he put a sixth of it into my business then when I am 65 in 5 years time, that would be our retirement nest egg. sadly due to circumstances beyond our control my business has just crashed leaving us with nothing. it is scary how really low the amount of money in the pension is if we are talking 20 years for us it will leave us desolate. there is no way of knowing how we will cope. maybe this is the problem with your mil though in theory it sounds like in theory she is ok own home benefits etc but at the moment things are so uncertain it must be very worrying for her

My mum.was like this whilst taking home more than me a month a senior programmer. I get your point that your income has to go four ways more than your mums. I to have to upkeep my house and do whereas my mum let hers fall into disrepair. She had no money. But 200 times what I had in the bank. If bought a cup of tea for £1.50 she told me I had more money than sense. That's why she had so much money, she spent none of it. Maybe she is terribly poor and you are as a pp said just poorer. How can you then help her? Just say "I know its sad isn't it" and move on. My mum.just wanted to complain

A 'final salary' pension is calculated based on a fraction of your final salary. What that fraction is depends how many years you have in the pension, and the scheme rules.

For example in the old NHS pension you earned a pension worth1/80th of your final salary for each year you worked - so if you worked for 40 years you got half your salary (and it was capped at 45 years, so you couldn't get much more than half). The university scheme is I think around 1/70th per year. Civil service and teaching are the most generous at around 1/50th, so with those you could just about get a pension equal to your full salary if you joined at 18 and worked there with no breaks for your entire career.

And yet you suggest she has symptoms of dementia like the strange stories she is telling. Maybe she has an inkling of that and is aware of how expensive dementia care is. I'm nearly 70 very fit physically and mentally so far. I don't plead poverty but I'm very aware, having had a mother who had to go into a care home, of how much these things cost.

Her house must be worth a million so I think that would cover care costs in a home if needed?

We do urge her to use the AA for things like taxis, and to buy nice food for herself etc, she doesn't use it for a carer at present as we do most of that. So there should be plenty left over.

Another thing, the 'poverty' only seems to apply to certain things e.g. food she will be rooting around in the discount section of the supermarket, whilst easily buying e.g. a new handbag which is worth quite a bit. Would this be a dementia thing?

Thanks to whoever reported the messages at the start of the thread, that was a bit odd!

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit fed up / exasperated, it hasn't been easy lately!

I would ignore it seriously. If I had a pound everytime my in laws (who are sitting on huge savings) said they were poor, I would never have to work again!
they say things about not putting the heating on and only eating meagre meals when they have a stash in the bank. It’s sad really to live like crap to save a few pence - I often want to shout out you can’t take it with you when you go!!

She would be very angry if anyone suggested she had dementia.

Yes- it is a bit grating when you are on a low income yourself and just spent a fortune on making their Christmas nice and dinner etc, and have to keep listening to it.

I don't think that's a dementia thing. I know loads of people who do that. Claim poverty until they want a holiday/ car/ handbag

I have plenty of older relatives who plead poverty but who definitely aren’t however one was hiding money and that was the start of dementia, we found thousands stuffed around the house!

Another thing, the 'poverty' only seems to apply to certain things e.g. food she will be rooting around in the discount section of the supermarket, whilst easily buying e.g. a new handbag which is worth quite a bit. Would this be a dementia thing?

Id say not, more a case of thinking certain things should not cost what they cost.

A 'final salary' pension is calculated based on a fraction of your final salary. What that fraction is depends how many years you have in the pension, and the scheme rules.

Id happily take this however it’s calculated! My company closed the scheme whilst I was at uni

My granny years back had weird stuff with money, (at start of dementia) maybe this is why this is irking me. Most about people taking it though in her case.

My gran is like this! Extremely similar situation. She sits in the cold moaning that she can't possibly afford to turn the heating on due to the increased costs. I cannot see how it could be so expensive she can't afford it when she has savings. Nothing is worth sitting in the cold. I've tried to tell her. Offered to pay it myself. She's still bloody cold.