Saying they are poor but they are not?

[Orangesandlemons77]

I keep getting told by elderly MIL how poor she is 'on the breadline' but she really is not.

She owns her own house, gets her state pension and her husbands from when he was employed, then also gets attendance allowance, which adds up to quite a bit.

Bit she keeps going on about every penny and how much things cost, the winter fuel allowance etc - she has quite a bit more than we do and we need to budget for four.

Anyone else got this? What is it about I wonder?

She would still only need to get a really small amount on top of state pension to pay tax so that's a moot point. Indeed one of the issues is that even just state pension is aniut to lead to being a tax payer.

I think I'll leave this - it is not just this I am a bit concerned about but a few other things and I thought this board was the right place to turn, it seems not.

Does your husband have a financial power of attorney set up? Could he/you offer to help her with her budget/ looking at outgoings etc?

She won't do a PoA

I may have misunderstood here but OPMIL would not be getting her husband's pension if he hadn't passed away, he would?

Or perhaps she's concerned about paying for help in the future when she needs it.

My parents are the same. They're retired on final salary pensions, so their income hasn't changed. But you'd think they didn't have 2 pennies to rub together!

This!

Final salary pension doesn't mean a pension the same size as your salary. It's usually around half if you've been in it for your whole career. Less for shorter service.

My parents are by no means poor but did go through a phase of saying they were. I think having a fixed income is worrying for some older folks especially if they are having to think forward to big bills they may have coming up. Or if they are alone. Very worrying if a single older person has the upkeep of their house to think about. As someone has said older people don't seem to have access to deals for big bills or the energy to shop around. My dad's car insurance is very expensive, obviously all car insurance is but if you were young at a time when your car insurance was £42, a bill of £900 seems unbelievable.

She'll be rolling in it with her state pension and attendance allowance. I can't even imagine what she'd spend all those riches on!

My mum does this!!! She owns her own flat, can comfortably pay the fees associated with the flat, eats out regularly, goes away with friends, shops in expensive supermarkets.
Insists on making out that she's destitute. I have pointed out to her that she can pay her bills comfortably, eats what she wants etc so she's not destitute. But it falls on deaf ears (literally and metaphorically!!!)

There seems to be zero empathy or understanding for elderly people at the moment.

Imagine OP your life in 30 years time. Your husband is dead, your adult children are desperate for you to sell your house, you know the one which you and your dead husband bought and made into your home- but who cares about that - it’s just bricks and mortar right ?

Your income is fixed now and everything is going up in price- you don’t know how you will manage if prices keep increasing because you can’t increase your income.

Add in you are starting to find that things are starting to ache, and it’s getting a-bit more difficult to do things, and your social circle and activities are decreasing, And you miss your husband. And you are worried about talking to your adult children as they don’t seem particularly interested in what you have to say , or have much patience for conversations with you.

What do you think your life will feel like then OP? Hopefully your adult children and their spouses will be more understanding than you seem to be.

My relative has plenty of ££££ in the bank, plus large state and large private pension and virtually no out goings (mortgage paid off).. But yet complains bitterly about the government withdrawing her heating subsidy!

Why she expects to be subsidised by the poorer taxpayer, I have no idea. I don’t really know the reason. I guess it varies person to person. Some of it may come from an old idea of the pensioner living on sardines in an attic with nothing; however, those ideas or stereotypes do not stand up to current circumstances of many of the elderly. Maybe there is just a self involved mentality at play. They may also have been poor once, so fall into a hoarding mentality. But, honestly, in some cases I just think it’s pure selfishness.

I think that her financial anxiety is quite common (and understandable to a degree), but your concerns about her "stories" regarding being kissed by random strangers do raise some red flags.

Has she been seen by a GP recently? Bloodwork checked for vitamin deficiencies (B12 in particular)? Screened for UTI? Even just a cursory memory screening test?

If she's agreeable that's where I'd start.

OP, have you tried being old? It's no fun. She needs to keep her house warmer to stave off arthritis. She needs to plan for going in to a home at £1,500 a week. That's £72k a year. How long will the value of her home last then? Perhaps that is playing on her mind.

Attendance allowance is to pay for attendants to help her wash, dress etc., to keep her out of a residential home. To qualify for that, she needs help cutting her toe nails, finding the energy to cook, lifting shopping. It's not for champagne and world cruises.

That she owns her own home is irrelevant, she can't eat it or wear it. Has it been properly insulated, double glazed, had a new boiler recently? What are the utility bills like? Are her appliances modern and efficient or old and power-hungry?

I think you need to walk a mile in her shoes. You can spend £200 a month on weight loss pills so you clearly aren't struggling. And you can always work more/differently. She doesn't have that option.

ps. re. said relative - when they complain about the total outrage of losing the fuel allowance i say nothing. As I said they have huge savings, virtually no out goings, large private and large state pension and AA which they don’t even spend! I am on minimum wage and say nothing 🤐 as this will only inflame them further and they have no sense of reason (no dementia, just only see themselves as hard done by regardless lol).

@Meadowfinch have you tried being disabled/chronically ill like the OP? It’s not fun either. Esp when you have 2 children dependent on you.

And I can’t talk about the OP but I can do much less than my parents in their 80s. I’d happily take being old like them.

Also you might to read tye OP posts where she explicitely says the injections are advised by her GP to deal with side effects of medications.
But ofc it’s only for weight loss right? Not about diabetes etc…

I have this , my dad has just passed away she has lost a lot of money but still has the same outgoings in regards the house the will is not sorted & has to go to probabte. A lot is panic, she have not had to worry about money they worked until they were 71. Just give them time rather being against her explain to her what she has, help with looking best energy fix for her things to bring her outgoings down.

💯

I would say young and poor is worse. Likely to have children, more outgoings, more likely to be in insecure housing and run ragged from working all hours with nothing but poverty to show for it. Children growing up in poverty can suffer the consequences their whole lives and I'd like to bet the poor elderly were poor children.