I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

His choice. You have SO much on your plate right now and you're doing so much for others. You've considered, included and invited him. No means no when men say it, too. He doesn't want to. Step away. Let his son deal with him. Focus on your time with mum and hope you all have a lovely day. X

. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone

yes you can. Prioritise your mum.

Thank you, I will definitely do that.

Did he initially say no because he was maybe a little taken aback?

Do you think if it was discussed a few more times he may come round to the idea?

In Christmas parlance, let him stew in his own juice. You have invited him, he has declined. End of. Ever heard of the Grinch.

Nasty. An elderly gentleman preferring to stay at home is not a Grinch.

from what the op says, no-one, other than perhaps his ds, wants him there because they value his company anyway.

Honestly reading some of these replies... Slippery slope, leave him to it, stubborn old man... Op can you see this perhaps if it was your father who has lost your mum? I know older people and parents can be hard work and stuck in their ways but they sometimes haven't had the benefit of learning healthy communication.

How would you like your father to be treated if your mum passes? Would you and he be happy with him being excluded from Christmas plans if they are difficult for him, or would you want others to help make exceptions to include him too?

I would have spoken to your husband’s father before making settled plans myself. I would host him in the afternoon and evening and invite however is at your mum and dad’s too. I think expecting him to spend all day on his own is a bit much. It sounds like lack of interest in the evening shindig at yours has prompted the change but I would go ahead anyway.

As someone who lives alone in blissful peace I have to say I loathe Christmas as so many well meaning people start inviting me to spend Christmas with them with comments like "oh no, you can't be alone at Christmas". I know they are being kind but some of them really can't take no for an answer. Some of us like being alone even (and maybe especially) at Christmas! I am sociable and have lots of friends but I really enjoy solitude. Do not assume that being alone at Christmas is a terrible thing! It really isn't.

He may do. We will ask again but I definitely don't want to push him if that's his wish. We will just have to go for plan B.

I know lots of people my age (40s) who love spending Xmas Day alone in peace. There is a chance FIL might not be bothered about chilling out alone, has he said otherwise? I wouldn’t change your plans, you’ve invited him and he declined

Brilliant plan. I think he'll change his mind for next year and join in

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

Respect his wishes maybe? We used to have the massive family Christmases at either our or my brother's homes and my MIL who lived alone having been widowed very young, was always welcomed, staying with us for a few days. However as she got older she decided to stay at home, she began to find it all too much, and we respected that, going over to visit her at some stage.

Of course you are controlling. You decided to change, with good reason, an established routine without discussing it with everyone it affected and now you are upset and martyring yourself because your FIL won't go along with your plan.

Were you appointed "chief of make Christmas fun for everyone" or did you just assume the role? Controlling people are sometimes so accustomed to moving other people around like chess pieces they don't even recognise their own controlling behaviour.

Did you think he'd just accept because he'd be grateful not to spend Christmas alone? You are treating him and talking about him like he's an awkward child and you are a victim of his non compliance.

You have invited him and he doesn't want to come, you need to respect his decision.

DH could pop round to see his dad for an hour in the morning?

As my Dad got past his late 70s, he found Christmas and being around a large group of people overwhelming and stopped coming to my house when Covid hit... he just was honest and said it was too much noise and he liked his own routine. And older people hate change to routine (I used to work in care).

I think it's quite normal, and if FIL wants peace, that's OK. I'd try not to take it personally and do what you need with your Mum. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas

It’s not unreasonable that he doesn’t want to go to your parents!

Just deliver his dinner and (if possible) visit him in the evening, he had the right to turn down your invitation.

He's made his decision. See him Boxing Day? I don't see why you have to martyr yourselves over this, including the children being bored.

I'm pretty certain I'd have preferred to stay at home for my lunch if that's what I've always done.
I'd let him be, to be honest. See if he wants to come for the normal tea and evening entertainment, but respect his wishes to stay at home for lunch. My MIL loves having her christmas lunch cooked for her but is happiest having it dropped off to her to ping back to piping hot and eat in her own home. She just can't do the crowd of people any more, and so we pop along to see her a couple of folk at a time. By 7pm she's in her cosy PJs and settled in her chair with the tv and her knitting, ready for us all to sod off and leave her in peace.

We will see him over the weekend and suggest that we bring him over a Christmas lunch, return to my parents and then pop over for a few hours in the afternoon.
I am not giving up my evening, I have plans and am looking forward to Christmas evening with DH and dd.

If there was one piece of advice that everyone should pay attention to in the lead up to Christmas... This!

It's difficult OP. My situation was similar but different in I was coping with Grandchildren while caring for elderly parents on both sides. Then suddenly within 18m they were all gone. Although I was grief stricken given it all happened so quickly I thought in my worst days at least without this 'burden' my life will be easier. The fact is I'd give anything to have that 'burden' again. Make the most of your time while they are still with you. It's hard but worth it.

I wondered this.

Can you just leave the invite open? I know you said you don't want to come but if you change your mind, we are planning enough food for you.

If you don't feel up to the company then we'll plate it up and drop it round and hope to see you later in the day.

You are not abandoning him and he is free not to do forced joviality if he doesn't want to. But I think we often say no to the unexpected without being necessarily thinking it through so let him know it's not a big deal to be added I'd he wants it later.

That sounds like an ideal solution, we were not close enough to do that unfortunately.

How many siblings does DH have?