I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

This. He's been invited, he's the one who is saying "no "
"Aw, that's a shame, we can't change it this year due to circumstances, so if you change your mind and want to come after all, let us know."

You absolutely CAN leave him to spend the day on his own, if that's what he would prefer to do. Go and see him either in the morning or evening, and then have the rest of the day as you'd planned.

Personally, if I was feeling down, I would rather just chill at home at Christmas and not really mark it, rather than go to another happy family and spend so much energy trying to be happy to fit in.

Make him aware that he's invited and welcome, and that he can change his mind at any point, but ultimately you have to respect his opinion.

He's an adult. Nicely OP it's patronising of you to say he can't be on his own, he is allowed to do that even if you don't agree. He's made his decision, tell him that's sad, the offer still stands and leave him to it.

I think you need to cut him some slack although yes agree he may need to spend it alone- he’s not going to his son’s for Christmas now, he’s going to his son’s wife’s parents house- I’d personally feel I was imposing on someone else’s Christmas, especially if they’re sick

You can’t always make everyone happy at Christmas. Your lucky everyone lives close, if you lived hundreds of miles away then this might have happened earlier.

After FIL died there was a Christmas MIL had to spend alone. We were committed to going elsewhere and my SIL wanted to go her parents. No one lived closed. The drama about it went on for months between DH and BIL about what could be done. Guess who didn’t actually care, MIL . The woman didn’t even like Christmas and hated the whole thing. The next year she back to us hating every minute.
I think as long as he is fed, seeing someone at some point and possibly busy in the evening. He’ll be fine.

This. You can’t force him to spend the day the way that you want.

Of course you can leave him alone, you offered for him to come to your parents house and he said no. Why would you change your plans?

You hadn't made it clear the evening buffet at yours was not on offer this year. Tbh it sounds as though you're pissed off you may need to change your evening plans as FIL doesn't want Christmas dinner with everyone else.

Look, it's one day. Take him a dinner and your DH can visit him on Boxing Day.

This

I think your original plan was / is lovely and suited EVERYONE except FiL. It seems foolish to change those plans just because one person doesn’t want to join in. I think it makes sense to stick to your plans, but factor in a visit to FiL as part of the day. Which is, I think, what you’re now saying you’ll do.

You’ve invited him and he’s said no. I would go ahead with your plans - maybe popping in to see him in the morning and leave him to it!

I feel for you OP, Christmas can be a stressful time trying to juggle & please everyone, more so with elderly parents who like their routine.
Sounds like you’ve a good backup plan.
Hope it all works out for you so you can relax & enjoy Christmas 💐

Plate up his lunch and drop it off at his house later. If he’s not up for it let him be. No reason to spoil everyone’s plans just drop in and see him later. He’s allowed to have preferences you do not have to allow his preferences to interfere with everyone else’s plans

My df was like that too, he would have hated being with anybody but very close family. Even then, he would get tired, and not stay too long. Some people's social metres get full quicker than others, and that is fine. My dm on the other hand I cannot get to leave. She hates her own company. I get tired and I'm ready for people to go after a couple of hours, obviously more allowance on Christmas day. Dm stayed from 12pm-9pm last year, and oh god I was ready for her to go!

Op, I would let fil know if he is happier with that, that it is fine, but he is more than welcome to come for tea later if he fancies doing that instead. Maybe your dh could pop in to see fil in the morning with a gift.

I think you've made the right decision. As everyone else has said, it's not a case of you leaving him, it's a case of you offering him and him refusing. Which he is entitled to do.

If your sister or friend or colleague or someone was alone, you offered them an invite and they politely refused you wouldn't insist on enforcing yourself on them. You'd accept as a functional adult they had the right to choose what they preferred. Just because FIL is older doesn't mean he doesn't have the same right.

Keep the invite open in case he changes his mind but otherwise I think popping a dinner down to him is enough. I wouldn't even be that focussed on going to see him for hours in the evening, you'll probably be knackered from sorting dinner, helping with your mum etc. If you feel like it pop round for an hour, if not go round for longer on boxing day and take him for a walk or to the pub or something if he wants to get out of the house.

Christmas is just a day at the end if it - you can't 'fix' it for him, he will be missing MIL whether he's alone or surrounded by your family, in fact option B might even make him feel worse as he will be comparing himself with everyone else having partners, or reminding him of years gone by when you were all together having fun. At least being alone in the house is like a 'normal' day so might be less upsetting. It's entirely up to him to make that call.

Sounds ideal for everyone. Is DH able to see FIL on boxing day or similar?

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams I get what you are saying about not wanting to leave him on his own on Christmas Day, but I really don't think you should mention this revised plan to him - at the moment. It's a good back up plan, however, if he won't come this year, this is likely to be your Christmas every year for the foreseeable.

So if it was me, I would simply tell him again, only that he would be very welcome to come to your Mum's. But don't offer him the back up plan at that point! Wait until much nearer the Day (like Christmas eve or even Christmas morning) and see if he changes his mind. Offer the backup plan to him only at that very late stage if you need to?

As it gets closer he may very well reconsider, whether or not he really does want to be on his own. If you offer him alternatives now, which might appeal to him, then you are going to find it is expected every year?

He has been invited and has said no. It is HIS choice if he spends time on his own on Christmas Day. Lots of people spend the Day on their own, for various reasons and I know several, personally, who are genuinely quite content doing their own thing!

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I empathise with you. I pandered to a close relative for over 20 years & Xmas was challenging due to one cantankerous person.
In hindsight I should have been more assertive from the beginning.
Though difficult, I would stand your ground & call his bluff. Good luck.

Sounds like a really good plan.

The only thing I’d do is to propose to him that arrangement rather than telling him iyswim. That way he is feeling in charge.
I’d also make sure to say it’s THIS YEAR organisation. Because, from what you say, he might well expect it to happen every year (you bringing lunch etc…) and you might not want it to happen every year iyswim

Remember that he is a grown adult, if he doesn’t want to be on his own he has a perfectly valid alternative that he is choosing to decline.
You are not in charge of organising the day for him - you are including him in your plans, but if he doesn’t want to be included that is his choice.

Why would you think that ? It doesn’t appear he wants to be alone, he just doesn’t want to go anywhere else but OPs home.

You're overthinking things.

Your plan sounds absolutely necessary for your mum's sake. YANBU on that score.

But your FIL is not being unreasonable either. He's used to a quiet Christmas lunch, he's an old, grieving widower who doesn't want to spend Christmas day with someone else's (comparatively large) family, and that's his prerogative.

Is it really such a terrible thing if your DH goes to his dad's for part of Christmas day? So many couples spend Christmas day apart because one of them is working. My dad used to work away on oil rigs, so we only saw him every other Christmas. It was fine! You'll still have Christmas morning and evening with your DH. Don't stress about it.

Maybe as he has got older, your FIL may find it all a bit much for him, and prefer something quieter.
I mention this as I have been at a Xmas gathering where the elderly person clearly could not manage the continual 'small talk' etc., for such a long time.
I would ask if he prefers to be on his own.
Maybe ask him what he would prefer to do.

I think you have to take him at his word tbh.

If it was my dad though I'd probably cook & have lunch with him.

I think your intentions are really good ones but he said no and that's ok too.

I have spent a lot of christmases at home with my two children, just the three of us and I loath it when people start trying to tell us what we should be doing at Christmas. Being home for Christmas is so nice, I hope your FIL has a nice day planned with whateverer food he wants.