I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

I don't think you sound controlling op.

You're just sad that your predicament means there isn't a perfect solution.

But that's ok. I'm sure everyone understands and you shouldn't feel responsible for perfect happiness.... That's just Xmas pressure and not realistic.

You're doing great in tough circumstances.

also did he just decline the plan or does he expect you all to go to him as usual?

Tbh, I don't want to spend my Christmas evening with fil or my parents this year which is why I thought Christmas lunch altogether seemed (in my head at least) a good idea. I don't get to see my fil much as I care for my mum 5 days a week so thought it would be a nice opportunity for us all to catch up.

Tbh, I just want to spend the evening with DH, dd and the dog.

you aren't the one who changed things, Life did that.

This.

He is within his rights to make his choice. Spending Christmas alone is not a tragedy.

I'll probably be alone this year as my SO is traveling several hundred miles to his mum and I don't care to join my sister and her in-laws. It will still be a pleasant day and we will be together on NYE.

Don't stress about it.

Leave him be and have him over in the evening if he wants to come. My FIL is the same.

Refused to come to us one year, didn’t invite us over. Complained on Facebook that he was all alone. DH deliberately posted back because he was sick of being made out not to offer.

This year he’s been offered Xmas morning for breakfast or Boxing Day for a Christmas lunch and then games night. He said he’ll have a think about it. We have his first granddaughter, and I’d need to order stuff if hrs coming for Boxing Day. But he’s not fussed.

Do not pander to him.

You and your dh should not have to spend Christmas apart because of your fil's preference not to join you.

Thank goodness for this POV for once. Anyone would think it was against the law for anyone to genuinely prefer a bit of P&Q on Christmas Day, rather than having to pretend to enjoy another family’s probably noisy ‘jollity’.

Echoing others here op. It's on him. Don't change your plans.

Christmas is just another day. If he wants to spend it alone it's on him not you

When DH told him of the new plans he firstly said 'Oh! It's not going to be at yours then?' and when told it's at my parents house said 'No, no thanks I'll stay at home'. DH explained he was more than welcome but he kept declining saying he wants it at our house or failing that he'll stay at home.

Maybe he feels uncomfortable with my mum's dementia? Who knows?

Could have Christmas lunch with him, then back to your mum's for late afternoon/evening.

Your mum will have others there whereas your FIL will be on hos own.

You want to be with your ill parent but doesn't mean FIL should be alone.

Refusing the invitation is probably from not wanting to be imposing or pitied.

He's a grieving man still and kids should learn that boring or not, he's still family.

Someone mentioned “Christmas Day chicken” on here a few weeks ago and that is exactly what needs to happen here.

Your FIL has a lunch offer that would mean he doesn’t spend Christmas Day alone. He can take it or leave it.

Leave him to it! Maybe he does want to spend the day by himself? He should get to do what he wants. He’s not being cantankerous, he’s doing what he’s wants.

Very good.

Could you have a nice breakfast with FIL? Lunch with your family and then quiet evening?

Let him stay at home on Xmas day alone and see him another day. Maybe he’s happy with that? You invited him and he declined.

I don't really understand why you're cross with FIL for declining the change of plans to lunch at your parents with your family (when he has historically had a very quiet Christmas with his late wife) but you're also changing the evenings plans of Christmas fun and buffet and that's fine because you don't want to see FIL in the evening.

I also think describing him as a cantankerous old man as per your OP when he's probably reeling from the loss of his wife and struggling to cope is unkind.

I'm widowed. If my daughter was to have Christmas with her in-laws and they invited me, I'd say no thanks. They're okay people, but I just wouldn't enjoy it.

I absolutely would not expect my daughter to come to me on her own. That would be madness, and frankly, not what is want anyway. I'd want my DD son in law and grandkids, or just the day on my own. Just being me and my daughter would be weird, and my grandchildren deserve to have their mum with them.

If they popped round to see me on the way, or for a bit of breakfast, that would be lovely. Otherwise I'd wait until Boxing Day or see then on Christmas Eve instead.

I am finding that as my parents get older they are much happier in their own home and in their own routine and, in their words, its just another day and they've seen lots of Christmas. So don't overlay your idea of a "good" Christmas on anyone else. For all you know he is probably planning a lovely day all to himself. Its his choice.

Honestly you’ve asked and he’s declined that’s fine. He may prefer a quiet day.
Taking him lunch is kind. Your dh shouldn’t miss your kids at Christmas. He may prefer to come to yours but if you aren’t at your house for very good reason then he can’t.

I know I'm late to the party here and that you have resolved everything in a kind and sensitive way, but I had a couple of thoughts - memories from my own grandparents/parents, and feelings of my own now that I am old.

My grandfather was nervous of visiting people he didn't know VERY well - he had some trouble with his sight which meant eating could be ... well, hit and miss. We didn't mind and we would all laugh together, but he would feel uncomfortable with a group of people he didn't know quite as well. Also, he had to go to the toilet fairly frequently and urgently - and that can be very awkward in someone else's house. We found he was asking to be taken home earlier and earlier and one year when my mother wanted to go to my brother's for a few days over Christmas, he didn't want to join me with my in-laws - although he did know them quite well. Like you, I took him a dinner and a pudding (actually I think a neighbour did too and he had 2 dinners! 😆)

Also, and I think I understand him a bit now, he didn't mind being on his own and really neither would I (although I haven't been so far). He could wish us Happy Christmas on the phone and have a chat (although he was rather deaf too - another problem with people who didn't know him as well) and watch the TV (volume up really loud) and do what he wanted "in his own chair". He was quite happy really. We made sure to see him on Boxing Day and make a fuss of him.

Definitely this. Be very wary of setting precedents.

I don't think he is being cantankerous, he doesn't want to do something unfamiliar and is still grieving.

My father is the same, every year since my stepmum died he says he will be happy on his own, which suits us fine as we travel to see my in laws , mum and brothers who are all in the same area. If we spent it with him 9 other people wouldn't see us.

However, every year friends or distant family take pity on him and invite him round and he goes out of politeness, and it makes us look like the bad guys, but we are only following his wishes!

Leave your FIL on his own, crikey I wish in the past I had one christmas day where I could be in charge of my own routine and watch whatever i wanted on telly !

It’s in the op!

Because he can be very cantankerous in general hence the reason my sil does not speak to him.

I have nothing but empathy for him when it comes to losing my mil, I have always been kind to my in laws.