I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

I think if he wants to be alone at Christmas that's fine and should be respected, the only thing I would say is let him know that if he changes his mind he's still welcome - including on the day itself.

He may revel in the peace and quiet or he may find it feels more lonely and depressing than he anticipated and I wouldn't want him to feel he couldn't join you if it were the latter.

Awwww.

You sound very caring and lovely op.

Also sounds like fil hasn't kicked up a fuss or been selfish and your belief DH needs to lunch with him is a projection of your feelings over the way Xmas should be spent.

Sounds like you've got some helpful perspective and can offer a more modest solution that will work for everyone.

Good stuff.

Sensitive and wise.

I thought Christmas was about goodness and kindness and all that.

It wouldn't be nice for a son to leave his father alone if being around lots of people feels too much for him this time even if he knows them well. The FIL is allowed to change his mind this year too. It can't be easy for him either.

The DH should spend time with his father. OP still has both her parents and children around with her for the day. Hopefully in future years her and DH can spend most of the day together again.

Obviously he if wants to be totally alone then let him be.

You are running round, stressing to make sure everyone else is having a nice Christmas.

Who is concerned about you having a nice Christmas?

Answer: as the woman in all this, no one is concerned of course!

I’m so over being the Christmas Martyr. My in-laws have played Christmas chicken with us, and my lot are still undecided where they are going, maybe mine, maybe not.

So, I told the lot of them I’m not available. Have a lovely Christmas 🤶 😘 xxxx

If FIL wants to stay on his own at home, let him. You've invited him, he's said no thanks, that's it really. Don't spend the day apart from DH unnecessarily.

In Christmas parlance, let him stew in his own juice. You have invited him, he has declined. End of. Ever heard of the Grinch.

You might find OP he might change his mind last minute but if he doesn't get DH to deliver him a dinner & maybe DH can pop over on Xmas morning for a coffee/give him a gift or take him to his wife's grave to lay some flowers (if she has one). It's his choice at the end of the day & and likely very much in his own grief. Have a lovely day regardless :). Xx

Except you are totally controlling! You want to control what YOU think your FIL (and everyone else) will enjoy. He said no. Your DH can drop him his meal and spend an hour with him then come back. No problem.

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

This is the issue. You did the kind thing by inviting him to lunch at your Mum's he doesn't want to go, you don't need to feel sorry for him. It could be he's not that fussed with Christmas Day. I know the first year after my Dad died, I felt a lot of pressure to try to make sure my Mum wasn't alone on Christmas Day because it's the done thing. She declined invites to come to our house for lunch or meet up in a restaurant with us and MIL. One day when I spoke to her she told me she was starting to get a bit irritated by well meaning friends and neighbours who were insisting she went to their's for Christmas Day.

can you ask him,?with similar intro explanation you have here, add in it mean so much to us if you would join us? insted of dh delivered itinary...failing that can you n dh pick him up or visit n drop off his dinner after your parents?

Thank you.

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Why are you so involved though? What about not worrying about it and letting your husband deal with his Dad. You say you dont want to leave him alone on Xmas day but do you know whether he minds.
I'd step back and let your husband and you FIL work out what they wan to do.
Also, you mentioned that you and your husband haven't spent a Xmas apart but it would only be lunch so does that really matter.

Accept he wants to have spend the day on his own. Have you invited him to yours for the evening? I would take him a dinner if that's what he wants and let him know that if he changes his mind he's very welcome at your parents', whether he makes that decision in advance or on the day.

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams
Thank you for the update, OP!
You seem like a very caring, kind, and wise person.

I hope you will all have a nice Christmas.

This sounds like a sensible solution. Circumstances mean your mother has to take priority.

I don’t think you sound controlling at all, by the way - just juggling a lot of tough challenges and hoping to keep everyone happy. I hope you enjoy Christmas as much as you can 🙂

Lots of people wouldn't want to be on their own at Christmas, but also lots of people would. For some people the performance of putting on a smile, pretending everything is okay around a lot of family whose Christmas they don't want to ruin, is exhausting and anxiety-inducing. He may be panicked at the thought of it, especially for such a long time and feeling trapped because he can't get back home on his own and doesn't want to interrupt things for a lift.

I think dropping him over some food is a good idea. That way he gets some company but it's not overwhelming.

I know it's difficult when you're stressing, we've hosted both sides for years, but it is important to remember that often your guests are there for you, rather than doing what they would prefer.

It's fine for FIL not to go to your mum's and you should try not to be angry with him. It's our first year of not hosting 🍾and I've made an excuse not to go to dsis as her in laws will be there and I can't be bothered, none of the DC want that either.

The beauty of not hosting is that you are then free to not attend too!

I really need to reiterate that I am not controlling, my post may come across that way to some and I've probably been a bit heated with the title of this post but watching your elderly parents and in laws slowly deteriorate with dementia and old age is not an easy journey as many of you know (hence the reason I put this up on the Elderly parents section). FIL has never been the easiest of people to get along with or please but I have always tried my best (my sil won't even talk to him).

FIL would be more than happy to have Christmas lunch at ours, as he has done the last 4 years but our plans are changing this year and I feel bad because I'm the one who has changed those plans.

It's really quite draining being part of the sandwich generation where you have parents in their 80's who need your help but also and teens still at home.

Hopefully, we can pop the lunch over to him and then spend a few hours with him later in the afternoon and all will be ok.

He's a grown adult and made the decision to say no thanks. End of. Remind him he's welcome but that your hear his choice but why would you think you now need to change plans? I don't understand. He's said no thanks, it's a bit strange if you now upend your day to accommodate him when he's already said no.

If he's on his own, that's his choice. Not a good message to send to your kids if you're trying to change everyone's plans for one man. Accept his response. Respect it. Move on.

You invited him, he does not want to come. Thats ok. He is a grown up and if this is the choice he wants to make, so be it. Maybe he comes on boxing day or something.

Might FIL struggle with a reminder of his wife's issues and perhaps think about changing the routine to start a new one for him.

Hi @Dreamsfallapartattheseams

I don’t really have any advice I’m afraid, but I wanted to say I’m so sorry to read you’ve had such a hard few years, such a lot for a family to go through. The fact you care so much and just want everyone to be happy on Christmas Day is lovely, you’re clearly a wonderful woman and I hope whatever happens you get the beautiful Christmas you deserve x

This

Of course you can leave FIL at home. He had an invitation and chose to decline it, as is his right. That does not mean other people are obliged to change their plans.