I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

It's not easy balancing trying to keep everyone happy while still having your own Xmas to enjoy. I think really you need to have a bit of flexibility when dealing with elderly parents. Do you know he definitely wants company and hadn't just said no as he would prefer to be alone? There are ways around it when you live close by - dh can pop in I'm sure your day won't be ruined by spending an hour or 2 apart.
Also your plans are based on your mum being well enough she may be tired and want everyone to go earlier. Last year my df had a good spell of health until a week before Xmas when he was admitted to hospital and all xmas day plans were changed it's just the nature of elderly parents health sadly

Dm threw a spanner in a couple of years ago. We had her come to us all during the covid Christmasses and frankly, were looking forward to a break her included I suspect. She was invited to one of my siblings and at the last minute pulling out as she didn't want to go to my siblings inlaws for the dinner. Anyway, she came to us as there was pressure put on both her and us that she couldn't possibly want to be alone at Christmas.

She didn't want to be here and it showed. She genuinely would have been far happier at home. So the following year, I respected her wishes and video called her instead. She was much happier.

This exactly!!!

You've got your plans. You've invited him. The rest is up to him.

"we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone"

Yes, you can
You don't want to, and you have offered him an invite so he's not alone, but he has turned it down
That's the end of the matter

At some point in your life, when two partners have four parents between them, things start to change.
You are lucky you have had so many together celebrations, with your hard work and organisation enabling them. I mean that as a compliment - you sound like a fantastic host!
When things start to change, when a parent needs care or passes away, making plans doesn’t fall so easily.
I am going to go left-field here and say, let your DH spend the day with his dad. He may want to be in the family home, and feel close to his wife’s memory there.
We place so much pressure on this day. Now I’m without both of my parents, I realise how much I cherish my memories with them.
Your DH can turn up when it’s party time. You can have a lovely family Boxing Day in your own home.
I don’t think this seems about a cantankerous, nasty FIL who is being stubborn. It’s probably just too much for him.
Your family on both sides sounds wonderful. Cherish it, celebrate it, and if your plans for now and the next few years get a bit messier, go with it.

Above Sounds like a good idea. I doubt there is much you can do to make a cantankerous person cheerful. Then enjoy cankantering too much.

and in reply to
"I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men."

Although not wanting to sound too facile.

Just stop trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

You literally can't appease them. Why is it your job in particular (although it may feel like it) to devote all your energy to doing this? You are not the only member of the family. Spread the load.

Life changes, people pass on and so long established patterns will necessarily have to change. That is not your fault.
Its not that you are ignoring a person, but if they don't want to do something, that's down to them. They could come for Xmas eve for eg. Have a special Xmas breakfast and then be driven home to cantanker. Or change their mind and stay.

But you can't keep taken on a huge burden of guilt about this, when you know you are doing your best. Its up to others to accept or decline.

Does your FIL actually want someone to take a Christmas Dinner round to him? Has anyone asked him? He might be perfectly happy to just cook himself cheese on toast, or whatever he likes.

Going to yours for a big Christmas meal isn't an option and of the choice between going to your in-laws or not he wants to stay alone. Could you or DH ask him if he'd like someone to pop in earlier, or later, or is he genuinely happy to be alone?

I think the change of location for Christmas lunch is a slight red herring. The other (major) point is that you no longer want FIL over in the evening, so it seemed to make sense to essentially get everything out of the way early, to free up your evening with DD and DH. Of course that’s hurtful to FIL.

Not saying that you can’t do what suits you, but I suspect FIL’s refusal is about more than just not wanting lunch at a different location.

I would suggest DH goes and sees him for lunch then comes back for your evening together with DD.

You are dealing with SO much OP. You cannot accommodate everyone. You are right to prioritise your mum and I think in this case your DH should prioritise his dad. If anything it will show FIL that you cannot always work around his plans.

It feels like everyone is pandering to one lonely cantankerous old man, whose own daughter no longer speaks to him, and expecting the women to just rally around him in spite of their own challenges. OP's poor mother has alzheimer and OP is her carer 5 days a week

We really do expect very little of men.

Sounds like a compromise is emerging. Also your FIL could spend boxing day at yours instead. Its not going to be much fun your dh and him alone on Christmas day.

I think you, DH and kids should go to your parents. I can think of a few solutions that may help regarding FIL:

1. My local pub is hosting Christmas dinner for people on their own, I'd get details if there is something similar near him and ask FIL if he wants to do that.
2. Offer him an M&S Christmas dinner ready meal for one that he can pop in his oven and leave him to have a quiet day if he is a quiet man.
3. If he doesn't want to do either of those, offer once more about your parents and if he declines, so be it, it's ultimately his choice.

DH has a brother who lives 5 miles away. As I say, sil does not speak to or tolerate my fil. She never invited my in-laws for Xmas day, we always had them with us.

FIL has adult gc who were brought up by my in-laws but they have young dc.

I think I’d gently explain to him that because of your mums dementia this is going to be the best way for the foreseeable. Tell him you really want him with you and will be sad not to see him for lunch, and also that you are exhausted and would like a quiet evening in your own home. He might be thinking it’s just a one off, but it sounds like this might become the pattern until your mum is no longer at home. I’d let that sink in for him and see if he comes round a bit.

I really feel for you. We had our first “us” Christmas planned this year but then FIL died suddenly so now we’re back to the usual plans of not spending it in our own home. One day…

Honestly as an older person I wouldn't mind being on my own at all. If he's quiet he might prefer to stay on his own .
You say he likes to eat early.
I would drop him off a plated lunch on the way to your Mum's house and have a cup of tea with him. Perhaps give him a few edible treats for while he's watching TV. If he has time your husband could pop over for an hour later.
If your FIL really doesn't want to be alone he will "change his mind" when he hears the definite plan.
As long as he has a clear mind it's fine to tell him what the plan is and let him make his own decision. No need to treat him like a child.
There's an open invite to come with you to your Mum's or you will bring his lunch over, which is kind of you.

I agree with that if he's been invited and has declined then you just leave it there. But I don't think the fact that his wife died in 2020 means that he should just do whatever is daughter in law wants. My husband died in 2019, and I still don't really get the same pleasure out of Christmas. I certainly get little pleasure spending it with family. Chrismas is as much about memories and tradions, and so if you are not careful its a day long reminder of what you don't have. So I spend it with friends. But, I have also spent a couple alone, and it's been bliss!!

we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

I mean honestly if your husband does spend some time with his Dad would it be so awful?

I know. Many solo people would be thrilled to have had with 25/26 Christmases with a beloved partner. Read the room.

That said, it's no tragedy if FIL is alone for the day.

Do this. Your DH can go see him in the morning and bring him some nice food, spend an hour or so with him, have a pre lunch drink with him, and then leave him to his early lunch, go to you mum's and get on with the rest of the day according to your plans.

Can't FIL come to you in the evening to watch the film as well?

That said, it's no tragedy if FIL is alone for the day.

Of course not, especially if that is what he has said.

I can imagine my Dad saying it but not really meaning it🙄

He was often wanting to do what was easiest for the other person, but sometimes you want the truth or a decision!

"Tea or coffee Dad?"

"Whatever you're making/is easiest"😂

this!

I think you might be right @Dreamsfallapartattheseams, if he's a rigid personality, he may feel uncomfortable in a new environment and he may also be afraid of your Mum's illness. I think it's best that you take him at his word and pop his lunch down to him.

You're trying to make everyone happy and sometimes that's impossible! You're doing your absolute best, and you sound like a lovely person.

Let him be on his own. You have given him a choice, he has chosen not to come. He knows that is he refuses he will be on his own.

I'm in my 70s and in my time have spent several very happy Christmas Days on my own, but oh the pressure! I would dread telling people I would be on my own, they'd pile in with all these offers and suggestions and it was such a flipping effort to convince people I would be much happier on my own.