How do you keep going when you really just want to run away?

[SockFluffInTheBath]

Just that really. I've had a bad week, and I didn't want to take over the CC with whining about myself.

MIL has alzheimers, about to tip into the final stage. FIL has some health issues, mostly caused by refusal to look after himself. MIL has carers so he thinks he should be looked after as well, is refusing to walk and laps up the attention from the nice young ladies who are clearly only there because they like him. There is of course a golden balls BIL who comes when it suits him, for as long as it suits him, to do (publicly for praise) what he wants to do. There's an extended family who would love to repay all the favours MIL has done over the years but it's just not a good time. There's one aunt who is amazingly helpful and supportive (care background) but we try not to lean on her as she has her own life.

It transpired this week that FIL has stood down the recent increase in care for MIL because he would have to pay for it. Seems to be cash-poor somehow but the house is worth £600k+ and it must be saved, at all costs, for BIL to inherit. So no extra visits for MIL, and she hasn't been getting fed after 12 noon when meals on wheels comes. FIL has a carrier bag beside his armchair (sainsbury's weekly delivery)- found after a urine mopping session when he refused to be recatheterised- stuffed with biscuits, hot cross buns etc that he's happily munching on all afternoon/evening while MIL gets nothing (waste of money she doesn't know if she's hungry anyway).

I really, really lost it at DH and he went over and read FIL the riot act, in short that if he didn't reinstate the 3rd visit and feed MIL a dinner then we would be calling SS to report abuse. He's reinstated it, then cancelled it, got bollocked again, and it's reinstated as far as we can tell (we live next door). My response is to take a dinner over for MIL- he clearly doesn't need it because 'we don't get hungry in the evening'.

I am raging. I am beside myself and I just can't calm down. I hate everything and everyone. BIL won't force extra care if it's not what FIL wants because knows best, and he doesn't actually give two hoots about either of them. FIL's lifeline goes off maybe 3 times a night (every sodding night) but he doesn't know why despite being told to put it on the bedside table. He calls DH a minimum of 4 times a day because he's weed on the floor, or dropped poo on the floor and 'you need to come and clean it now'.

I work in project management, it's bad time at the moment and I am really struggling to not just tell everyone to f- off and that I don't care. My boy just moved away to uni and it's a lovely thing but I miss him. I just feel angry and empty. I don't want to take time off work because I'm worried that if I stop I won't be able to start again. Part of me wants MIL to go into a home because she would be looked after better than we can manage, but she loves pottering in her garden and feeding the birds. She deserves better than living with FIL who is intent on being a swamp pig who revels in having us all clean his filth. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I am breaking.

I'm sorry, I know we're all in the same boat. God forbid you say any of this IRL, we're all supposed to be honoured to mop wee all day.

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews stunned into silence tbh. Decided to be dignified and just nod as I think if I had started to explain I would have let myself down saying out loud what I know people do not understand. Interestingly said cousin doesn’t like my mother, her aunt as she has always thought she was a snob.

@SockFluffInTheBath
Your DS has gone off to university and you’re not even allowed the time to acknowledge this.💐

@SockFluffInTheBath @Mum5net genuinely feel this is so much more a thread about us amazing middle aged copers rather than elderly people

Thank you all, and sorry for the dump last night. It’s been a difficult day but the short version is DH will contact MIL’s SW on Monday morning and ask that they both be reassessed for care, and we’ll take it from there. If one or both are deemed needing residential care it will happen. We are keeping a very close eye on MIL, she is warm, clean and fed. She’s the reason DH cleans up and answers every call, we’re doing our best for her but it’s hard and not enough any more. That’s hard to say, to acknowledge, that your best isn’t good enough.

And yes, three cheers for the invisible middle-aged army.

This, can I second this. That's so hard.

Care home would benefit him alot 24 hour care and security. Eventually he will have to have deprivation of liberty act in placs as he won't be able to act on matters like financial mentally.

I agree. Go online and search for your council's adult social care page and fill in a safeguarding form- you can do it online. Explain everything and dont hold back- your FIL's behaviour by cancelling care is putting your MIL at risk of neglect and significant harm. Put in the form that he will agree initially and then cancel it later on. You need a social worker involved here to discuss options going forward whether that be residential care etc but you cannot carry on like this.

You also need to make it crystal clear that you cannot provide care AT ALL, if you dont do that, SS will palm it off on to you.

Everyone needs to be aware of the gravity of this situation - your MIL is at risk of significant harm here.

God almighty @SockFluffInTheBath you poor thing. I hope the new assessments offer something that causes a change, though it's really hard to see what. I can't believe that anyone who dumps their own shit and piss on the floor and withholds food from their wife could be seen as having capacity to refuse anything for said wife.

Best wishes for your son, hope he is having an amazing time.

Thanks @PermanentTemporary he's settling in really well.

Call is made, they’ll try to come this week.

Sorry I haven’t answered questions. POA is ready to go, not activated because BIL doesn’t think it’s necessary. MIL does not have capacity, FIL does for her.

FIL has a long term bladder issue, but is capable of being clean. He loves people being on their hands and knees cleaning his mess and cleaning him. It’s almost like a kink to be honest and DH doesn’t let me do it for this reason (shame).

Thank you for the reassurances from safeguarding professionals. MIL’s SW is fantastic and very knowledgeable- saw straight through FIL last time and got the visits and meals on wheels in place.

Agree being self-funding gives more choices. Need to think if a way to spin that, at the moment it’s about penny pinching to preserve the inheritance.

Ooof @SockFluffInTheBath that’s a strange thing to have to navigate. I’m glad your DH recognises that living next to his folks is his responsibility.

Conspiracy theories are what I find hardest - but nursing home are now dealing with the continence and GP and I appreciate it every day.

I hope social worker comes through for you and your DH and that it all happens soon. Wishing you strength.

Thanks @FiniteSagacity no sign as yet but FIL made the call to ask to be catheterised, and the puddles and piles are gone this week. When I lost it at DH he’s gone and told FIL he’s fast tracking himself to a home by acting like a swamp pig and the threat of losing control would have been enough. MIL is brighter this week, probably having dinner and the heating on.

I second this, my mum lived in absolute filth and I had to call social care (I cleaned up for her, and she would just make it a filth pit again)
social care were lovely and very unjudgemental (they’ve seen it all before)
Just be warned that your relationship may never recover with your FIL. I just took comfort in the fact that I was trying to look after my mum.
Someone upthread stated that incontinence was a line in the sand, and I tend to agree with this.
Take care of yourself xx

@SockFluffInTheBath I was a nurse for 25yrs and it definitely can be a "thing" with men. One particularly horrible man I nursed insisted on the nurse in charge ie me being the one to wipe his bum as he was paying for it, nursing home. I think it is a power thing and they love the little women running around cleaning up after the big,important man.

Your fil sounds utterly vile and completely over demanding and overbearing.

I got to ask - how does one drop poo?
And why are you having to go over and pick it up? Can't you buy him one of those rubbish grabber things so he can pick his own shit up?
I'm still confused on the dropping poo thing. I remember when my daughter took a dump in the middle of the living room and ran away from it. She also let one slip out in the bath and started screaming at this unidentifiable excrement.

Jokes aside, call the social. This cannot continue.

When my mother (with dementia) was making me want to scream, with the same old thing (mostly purely in her head) over and over and over,
I would pretend I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it for a few minutes with Bohemian Rhapsody on LOUD - and have a really good SCREAM!

Very therapeutic, I can thoroughly recommend it.