Difficult elderly mother making me ill

[anagram32]

My mother is 94 and was diagnosed with end stage heart failure two years ago. My partner and I live 150 miles away from her. We have always visited her regularly since she was widowed 24 years ago. I have LPA's for her both financially and health. She is still pretty switched on for her age and able to bank and shop online. For all of my life she has been extremely controlling/spiteful/critical of me and has never respected any boundaries whatsoever. We have a pattern where she will goad and goad until I either become very upset or end up shouting and only then will she stop and tell me how much she loves me.

Spending time with her now is very stressful. She hardly eats and is either asleep/looking at her ipad or saying unpleasant hurtful things. I have only seen her twice this year due to my own knee replacement surgery but I ring her every day, am in regular touch with her, sort out many things she finds difficult and have found her a cleaner and gardener. She finds it hard to thank me for anything I do. She finally agreed to stop driving last year after she had a 'turn' whilst out shopping - despite us begging her to do so for years as she was wildly unsafe on the roads. She lives alone in an isolated village and regularly asks her neighbours to drive her to her GP, hospital appointments and to collect things for her. Because they are kind, they do.

Any suggestions that she has a carer, considers moving into a nursing home or actually pays someone to do her errands is met with shouting, rudeness and more spiteful comments. Discussions about her increasing frailty and funeral wishes are simply closed down. She will never call me after a disagreement or hurtful statements and I call because I am her only child and would feel riven with guilt if she died when we were not speaking.

I have severe COPD, diabetes, psoriatic arthritis and am convinced the stress of dealing with her bloody-mindedness and emotional cruelty all my life has contributed to at least some of my health issues. I feel so much anger inside about it all but don't feel I can go no contact at what is basically the end of her life.

Any words of wisdom if you have been in this or a similar situation with an elderly parent would be so appreciated. I dread my nightly call with her and sleep is becoming problematic. Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds awful.

I'd block her number.

Do come and join us on here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

You don't owe her your health. You're well within your rights to draw a line, either with how often you contact/see her or whether you don't see her at all. She's made her choices re nursing homes/carers etc, you deserve to make your choices and if that means putting yourself first (like she's done btw) then so be it.

I'd go no contact, if fact I would have done so years ago.

A few things I'd do:

Get therapy so you can process this and have someone to vent to. If it's completely unfeasible then you can rant to the Samaritans.

I would stop the evening calls. Tell her there's something wrong with your phone and it can't take calls at the moment, then call her once a week. Divert her number to voicemail.

You need to learn to disengage as her behaviour is obviously really getting to you. Stop telling her anything, talk about the weather and how she's coping and if she starts getting critical, say you have to go and end the call.

She sounds awful @anagram32 , and it is likely that her abuse has had, and will continue to have, an impact on your health.

Why do you feel obliged to call her every night? Can you work on cutting down on the amount of calls - every other night to start, then 2 or 3 times per week, for example?

Thanks all for such wise responses in record time. I have had counselling about her and the therapist was appalled at some of the things she had said to me - especially during my childhood. The irony is she is always telling me how much she loves me and boasts about me to other people. She had still-born twin daughters two years before I was born and I feel I have paid a very high price for this but any comments to this affect are met with "What a dreadful thing to say to me"!

Why do I still call her every night? Guilt and fear of what I might feel if she died after I'd ended up shouting at her. So I try and make it ok again and off we go on the merry-go-round again. I know it is abuse. I know she knows I'll always call so she doesn't have to. My partner is very supportive and desperate for me to find some way of not letting her get to me so much but it just touches a nerve.

What the previous posters said.
Full stop.

A few months back I decided to cut my contact with my elderly mother right down. I'm not phoning her and will only visit if other people are present - on occasions such as birthdays.

Her behaviour to me has always been very difficult, but when she was younger and more able, being able to do things - go for walks, watch DVDs etc - provided a sort of distraction from what was fundamentally wrong. As she became frailer all those distractions ebbed away and we're just left with all the underlying problems that were never solved.

It is easier for me because there are carers and both my brothers support her.

Though it was a hard decision to make - and keep to - I feel it is the right one in terms of my emotional well-being.

to use a MN phrase “And the first post nails it.”

OP, given your serious heath issues, there is a reasonable chance that you will predecease her. You are obviously holding on, hoping that she’ll die first, to give you peace. But what if she doesn’t? What if this is it and whatever peace has to be made by force against her will.

Treat others as you wish to be treated: so take this as permission to speak to her as she speaks to you. And be blunt “Actually Mum I’ve really had enough of your disgusting behaviour so I will hang up if you insist on carrying. I am not putting up with it any more”
Then the next night, phone as usual and pretend nothing happened. If she starts, just hang up.

Is there a cultural element to this?

Shouting at her is not helpful. She is abusive to you, and you need to disengage for your own emotional well-being. Your relationship sounds extremely unhealthy and setting boundaries is long overdue. I hope you manage to set boundaries and stick to them before you 'lose it'.

@anagram32 I second @TheShellBeach and say come over to the thread posted above, or the cockroach cafe.

You’ll find solidarity there and I learned about ‘out of the fog’ there, which I have found incredibly helpful with my very difficult DF.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

I understand why you feel a primal need to keep in contact but you can do this on your own terms. When you have the evening calls, can you do things to make your environment extra nice for you? Have a reward waiting for straight afterwards?

During time with DF, the medium chill is really helpful to me, DF doesn’t really ask about me and just wants to feel listened to and have got a telling someone ‘safe’ off into his day because he’s so frustrated with the limitations of his life now.

Can you disengage emotionally, ring her up say hello how are things chat for a few minutes and say goodnight. If things veer onto topics you don't like end the call quickly, sorry I have to go. Keep it all very superficial and avoid anything controversial, get your DH to have a word as well hello, how are you...., I'll pass you back, to give you breathing, calming down space.

She was probably horrible as a younger person, but she's now very old and probably has little idea what she is saying or how much it hurts. Stop any conversations that are leading into a bad situation, have a few get outs to say goodbye suddenly if necessary.

@AnnaSewell I hadn't thought of it like that before but your observations are so true. When all the usual day to day activities go, you are just left with the toxicity and nothing to dilute it
@FiniteSagacity that website is a total revelation! I've been on it for the last hour. So appreciate the link

Every one of your responses makes sense - thank you. Last night was the third night in a row I haven't called her - needless to say nothing from her end! It feels bloody wonderful and I slept like a top. I will figure out where to go from here but the 'medium chill' option sounds like the way forward. In the meantime, the sense of calm I feel is so precious I have no desire to pick up the phone.

@anagram32 was about to post the FOG website but @FiniteSagacity beat me to it. It is indeed a revelation. Have some fun with the glossary terms - I find ‘terminally unique’ really helps me when my mother is being impossibly difficult. You will find a lot of support on here.

All I'm going to say is you don't have to deal with her. A simple I can't see you I'm unwell with my own health problems will suffice.
I don't go and see my mother any more. I. Sick of her and her husbands abuse of me and complete lack of remorse. I may answer textx occasionally but if there is any kind of abuse I just refuse to reply.
They know the difference between good and bad behaviour and must take the consequences for bad behaviour.

I would definitely choose one night a week that you can't ring her. Invent a reason.

You do actually have a choice in this you know! I wonder what happened to you to make you think you have no agency in your own life and deserve this?

Brilliant suggestion! He can then make it light - do you need anything, are you OK, no? Great. Bye!

At 94, she's going to die at some point anyway, an angry phone call from you or indeed a decrease in phone calls from you is neither here nor there. You are not responsible for her and she is incredibly lucky for all the attention and support you have given her, especially given your own health issues.

Everytime she is rude and horrible to you in person - get up and leave. If she's horrible on the phone - hang up.

Explain you won't be in contact with her if she is being horrible and stick to it! She needs to learn that her bad behaviour won't be accepted.

If she continues despite you leaving/hanging up then cut contact until she is ready to have a normal, healthy relationship

@PinaOcado spot on. Sadly this is very true and we are often conditioned into thinking we are the problem. Then as we age and reflect on our relationships with our own growing children we see the problematic world we had to navigate. It is the perfect storm then that as the penny drops on how awful our parent is that they then need more input from us. As mentioned the FOG website is really helpful. Also stepping back, tricky as it can be often calms the situation as much for the parent as for yourself. My current view is - she is alive and well, if she chooses not to eat then that is up to her - even though it is for attention. If she says she ‘can’t’ do such and such I insert the word ‘won’t’ in my head as that is usually the case. Also I am not a medical professional so any ailments she mentions I refer her to her GP. She won’t go to the GP so ergo it won’t be fixed. All attention seeking. Take care OP it is an awful situation we find ourselves in.

Well done OP, maybe make tonight the 4th night.

Do come to one of the threads mentioned above. Cockroach Cafe is absolutely saving my sanity at the moment.

You’ve been worrying that you would feel bad if she died and you hadn’t been speaking much. But would you really? If she dies and you don’t have a good relationship with her, that’s totally on her. You’ve really tried. And you don’t have a good relationship with her, you just try to maintain the appearance of one. To the cost of your wellbeing.