Difficult elderly mother making me ill

[anagram32]

My mother is 94 and was diagnosed with end stage heart failure two years ago. My partner and I live 150 miles away from her. We have always visited her regularly since she was widowed 24 years ago. I have LPA's for her both financially and health. She is still pretty switched on for her age and able to bank and shop online. For all of my life she has been extremely controlling/spiteful/critical of me and has never respected any boundaries whatsoever. We have a pattern where she will goad and goad until I either become very upset or end up shouting and only then will she stop and tell me how much she loves me.

Spending time with her now is very stressful. She hardly eats and is either asleep/looking at her ipad or saying unpleasant hurtful things. I have only seen her twice this year due to my own knee replacement surgery but I ring her every day, am in regular touch with her, sort out many things she finds difficult and have found her a cleaner and gardener. She finds it hard to thank me for anything I do. She finally agreed to stop driving last year after she had a 'turn' whilst out shopping - despite us begging her to do so for years as she was wildly unsafe on the roads. She lives alone in an isolated village and regularly asks her neighbours to drive her to her GP, hospital appointments and to collect things for her. Because they are kind, they do.

Any suggestions that she has a carer, considers moving into a nursing home or actually pays someone to do her errands is met with shouting, rudeness and more spiteful comments. Discussions about her increasing frailty and funeral wishes are simply closed down. She will never call me after a disagreement or hurtful statements and I call because I am her only child and would feel riven with guilt if she died when we were not speaking.

I have severe COPD, diabetes, psoriatic arthritis and am convinced the stress of dealing with her bloody-mindedness and emotional cruelty all my life has contributed to at least some of my health issues. I feel so much anger inside about it all but don't feel I can go no contact at what is basically the end of her life.

Any words of wisdom if you have been in this or a similar situation with an elderly parent would be so appreciated. I dread my nightly call with her and sleep is becoming problematic. Thanks in advance.

Bloody hell @anagram32 while I am forever grateful for the miracles worked by the NHS I am so sorry you’ve been so dangerously unwell. Stuff your mother, she’s in the system and it will provide what she needs. Ignore the calls, the emails (when they restart). New start, focussing on your own wellbeing. I hope the surgery has waved some sort of magic wand for you and you can be in better health going forward.

Bloody hell OP, hope you're OK. In a weird twist of fate maybe this is the catalyst to you start priotising yourself .... as previous PP said, your mums in the system now so leave them to it. Remember to stay firm and do not commit to providing help when the inevitable calls start.

I'm so sorry you've had this frightening health scare @anagram32

I'm glad you're improving now, and glad you've put your foot down re - your mother.

Oh goodness @anagram32 that sounds really nasty. Thank goodness you were close to a big hospital.

Hope this is a wake up call to a lot of people that you can't be running around after your mother!

@anagram32 please rest and recover properly. You need to. Stress and worry are not good bedfellows for anyone with heart issues.

May today be your first day of freedom op. Take it easy!

*ING HELL - I'm so sorry. Let this be a lesson to us all.

Recover well. Hand over everything now and be done with it. Even change your phone number.

I'm so sorry to hear about this update and glad you got good treatment. May this be the start of putting yourself first OP!

With regard her being in hospital, this could be a good thing in that she might get assessed for care and you can say it is an unsafe discharge / you can't help etc, my dad was in recently for pneumonia, and has then ben moved into a rehab ward and just been assessed as needing long term care and allocated a social worker- something he has been waiting for for about a year.

I wish you the best in your recovery x

Thank you for taking the time to update. Am so sorry to hear about your health scare. I hope you recover quickly 🙏

Hope you feel better soon OP. Definitely put yourself first and let her stew. HOpefully she gets some care in place soon.

Best wishes to you @anagram32

Your mother’s situation sounds like mine - admitted to hospital with breathing issues associated with heart failure and then AF found as well.

I found the local Age UK phone helpline useful for advice. Tell the hospital discharge team that she’s a safeguarding concern as unable to manage on her own, she doesn’t have carers in place and you are unable to care for her. Insist that she can’t be discharged without a care package in place. The phrase ‘has capacity but lacks insight into her own care needs’ was useful too.

Found this thread tonight. Read all the stories and so many similarities amongst many of the stories shared here. OP how are you? I hope you are feeling better and looking after yourself. Your story really opened my eyes. Many similarities, just my DM lives in another country. I can see how it all starts affecting my health and how I need to reduce my daily calls gradualy to couple a week. From FOG website I learned how we are not responsbile for how DM feels. They are adults after all.

One of the PP mentioned starting a thread about daughters of difficult mothers (controlling, overbearing, etc) - perhaps I missed it - can someone share the link, please?

OP stay well and strong. I truly hope you are ok x

. I totally get where you are coming from OP. My elderly mother is nearly 88 and has always been critical, nasty and lacking in empathy. Old age has made it worse. I have long periods where I do not get in touch at all after she once again says something unforgivably rude and nasty . I have helped her to the best of my ability, but don’t try to do anything nice with her anymore as it’s never enjoyable. What I do do for her is taken for granted . She plays me off against my sister who is the golden child.

I too have developed a lot of health issues which I believe are partly a result of the stress I feel about her . I’m planning to move away this year. She’s very upset about it, but I can’t wait to be hundreds of miles away.

It eats up your life and the guilt is crippling.

I read your post with great interest. There are so many exhausted offspring out there, being drained by their elderly parents, who can't understand what all the kerfuffle is about - THEY'RE no trouble! Sometimes elderly parents stumble on, no quality of life, days dragging by with no hope of improvement. Obstinacy and aversion to anything other than their way or the highway is very common. Fear of losing independence is another issue. But when these oldies get into their nineties and even beyond, how much independence can they realistically expect?

My elderly aunt (who is in care in Spain) and is on 24/7 oxygen, has had TIAs, weighs less than 35kg, and is now refusing to eat Spanish food, appears to be trying to make everyone else as miserable as she knows how (!) because no-one can turn the clock back and give her her best life back. She is becoming unmanageable.

@anagram32 how are you now?

Wow this could be me posting ! Your situation sounds exactly like mine and it's good to know I'm not alone, my mother's behaviour is very toxic to the point that every time I have contact with her I feel depressed and angry for days after but like you I'm an only child and can't abandon her I'm 68 now and for all of my life she has been a self-centred manipulative person who physically and mentally abused me as a child Now she's old she wants all the love and sympathy in the world but I just act out of a sense of duty I feel your pain ?

Your situation exactly mirrors mine with my mum I really feel your pain it's such a heavy burden to carry, please take care of yourself and create boundaries you are worth it, don't allow her toxic behaviour to suck you in , guilt is common but that's because you're a good caring person, you don't deserve this !!

Hope you ok op. God its very draining. They living longer in my mams parish one lady was 100. Mine is difficult too 80s. Def grinds u down in the end. We help her but sure theres always a moan