Difficult elderly mother making me ill

[anagram32]

My mother is 94 and was diagnosed with end stage heart failure two years ago. My partner and I live 150 miles away from her. We have always visited her regularly since she was widowed 24 years ago. I have LPA's for her both financially and health. She is still pretty switched on for her age and able to bank and shop online. For all of my life she has been extremely controlling/spiteful/critical of me and has never respected any boundaries whatsoever. We have a pattern where she will goad and goad until I either become very upset or end up shouting and only then will she stop and tell me how much she loves me.

Spending time with her now is very stressful. She hardly eats and is either asleep/looking at her ipad or saying unpleasant hurtful things. I have only seen her twice this year due to my own knee replacement surgery but I ring her every day, am in regular touch with her, sort out many things she finds difficult and have found her a cleaner and gardener. She finds it hard to thank me for anything I do. She finally agreed to stop driving last year after she had a 'turn' whilst out shopping - despite us begging her to do so for years as she was wildly unsafe on the roads. She lives alone in an isolated village and regularly asks her neighbours to drive her to her GP, hospital appointments and to collect things for her. Because they are kind, they do.

Any suggestions that she has a carer, considers moving into a nursing home or actually pays someone to do her errands is met with shouting, rudeness and more spiteful comments. Discussions about her increasing frailty and funeral wishes are simply closed down. She will never call me after a disagreement or hurtful statements and I call because I am her only child and would feel riven with guilt if she died when we were not speaking.

I have severe COPD, diabetes, psoriatic arthritis and am convinced the stress of dealing with her bloody-mindedness and emotional cruelty all my life has contributed to at least some of my health issues. I feel so much anger inside about it all but don't feel I can go no contact at what is basically the end of her life.

Any words of wisdom if you have been in this or a similar situation with an elderly parent would be so appreciated. I dread my nightly call with her and sleep is becoming problematic. Thanks in advance.

Definitely. I looked after both my parents in their 90s and did everything for them. It has taken me five years to partially recover and now I don't have the health to enjoy what I could have enjoyed, had it not been for ill health after they drained me. Make sure you look after yourself with good food, sleep, and a hobby you can escape to. Don't tell you mother what you are doing and keep it as your safe place. Talk to her about factual matters to do with her safety and care and leave it at that. You will never win, but you will look back knowing you were the better person.

I will feel relieved when the time comes. I’m the meantime I’ve made a rational assessment of what I can give and that’s what I stick to.

So I text and email in response to her, but leave an hour or two before responding.

I ring every week and on particular occasions- if there was a specific issue I follow it up, or an occasion.

I research things that would make her life easier, in readiness for the day she actually accepts some strategies.

And I listen and sympathise. It is shit to be old and frail. It would be easier if she could operate with various services, but it is shot that she needs to.

I realised one day that I hear a load of blame and criticism that actually isn’t there. When she says ‘no one cares’ she doesn’t actually mean me. When she says she’s all alone and her life is awful, she doesn’t actually blame me for that.

I heard blame, abuse and criticism that actually wasn’t aimed at me or intended for me. I try and remember that, because otherwise I’m part of the problem!

OP how about to relieve you of some of the very great stress and worry about your DM wellbeing, could you get a care line and falls monitor put in place ( you may already have this). The falls monitor can be like a watch that is worn on the wrist and will ring through automatically to a call centre if she falls, and they can then call an ambulance. With a key safe on the wall outside, emergency services can get the key safe number from Careline in order to be able to enter the property. There is also something called “Canary” that monitors your DM movements via an app on your phone. It works with movement sensors so you can see if she is following her normal routine. For example, when I get up each morning I have a set routine-toilet, into kitchen to put the kettle on for tea, take tea to front room and read the news etc. The movement sensors are not cameras so you wouldn’t see her but it gives an indication and reassurance to you that she is well and moving as usual. It will also indicate if DM is stationery much longer than normal that may indicate there is a problem. It would give you reassurance without you having to constantly phone her and be subject to her abuse.
Of course, all these things would require DM’s consent.
Hope you can reduce the amount of stress you are under 💐

@AdmittowearingCrocs thanks for your suggestion. I finally got her to agree to wear one last year. She refused the keysafe option but 2 neighbours have keys

It seems like she's determined not to accept help.

Absolutely. Refuses any form of help - apart from expecting neighbours to ferry her to GP and hospital appts! But refuses to contemplate carers/care home/paying someone to ferry her around and run her errands

Yes, refusing help and refusing to make changes that will make her life easier are par for the course. DM won’t book home assistance because of the set times- she doesn’t want to be restricted by staying in for them. She wants to be out and about having a good time, but comes home exhausted and struggling to manage self care and housework.

She wants someone else to solve the problem. Ideally she’d like me to move next door and pop up like a geni when needed, and disappear in a puff of smoke when not.

That's excellent advice.

Update: after 7 days of no contact with mother she rang to tell me she was going to her GP because her breathlessness had got worse. (She is 94 with end stage heart failure). There always seems to be a worsening of her symptoms after she has been vile to me and I have pulled back in horror! Doc told her to double the dose of one of her drugs and the next day she tells me she feels 'fine'. I rang her last night to see how she was and it's straight back in to the usual rudeness and criticism

A week long break from this has been bliss and I told her it has been lovely to have a break from a barrage of her unpleasantness every night when I phoned her. (As explained in OP I have significant health issues and I am convinced some developed due to her appalling behaviour). Two hours later I received an email saying "You have said you are happy not speaking to me for a week. If that is the case I will not contact you again".

This is a 94 year old woman who has had far more love and care from me than she deserves. I am her only child. She has never respected boundaries, has been spiteful and seems to enjoy goading me for all of my life). Even my partner (who knows her and her games/spite so well) was beyond appalled that any mother would send an email like that to her daughter. I haven't replied but feel a deep sadness that even in the tail end of the winter of her life, nothing is ever going to change. I have no idea how to respond - if at all. She has a PhD in emotional blackmail.

OP your mum is a bully and has been controlling you with her bad behaviour. She may well have undealt with grief and trauma from the loss of the twins and will probably not acknowledge that.
You have done the right thing to set your boundaries and I think if it were me, I would continue to phone weekly but just continue to be honest with her. Tell her that you love her and want to hear how her week has been but you do not want a barrage of negativity towards you as it has been affecting your mental health and sleep pattern. It is okay to be honest. She may refuse to talk. She may put phone down on you but you will know that you continued to try.
My DH had a very difficult mother and she did not talk to us for 10 years because he had married me against her wishes. He still tried to make contact, and sent her photos when a new grandchild was born etc and actually he was at her side when she died years later, and that had helped him to feel he did the right thing by refusing to be controlled by her, but still offering love and support if she could accept it.
It is very hard. I have a dear friend in a similar situation, only child and very controlling mother, who has not spoken to her yet this year. Historically she had always backed down but if trying to make a stand this time. It is so sad that these elderly women will cut off their noses to spite their faces.

Oh OP I'm sorry to read your update.
Don't let her get to you.
She's broken your health and she doesn't even care.

@anagram32 please know that it is okay to disengage. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You have given and given and given all your life. It is her not you.

I think as children we just want to please our parents and I’ve learned I cannot please my DF. Nothing I do will be enough. Sometimes I think he’s angry that he’s still alive and he just wants to direct that somewhere.

Try to decide what you are willing to do (if anything) and knowing it will likely be unpleasant. Then stick to just that.

Thank you for such affirming and lovely responses all. It is so comforting to know you are not alone in this situation. The few close friends who still have surviving parents seem to all have such lovely ones and hearing of the appreciation, love and gratitude they are shown by sweet elderly Mums makes me feel so sad. Mine refused to even give me a key to her house until she was 90!🙄

@anagram32 yeah totally agree when you hear people saying they are going for a coffee with their elderly mum or taking them to the garden centre. We can’t do anything like that because of the sheer amount of stuff we have to do just so she can stay in her home. There is no time to enjoy doing things she might also enjoy. She drops in things like Mrs Neighbours daughter takes Mrs Neighbour out everyday. She has a lovely life’. Yeah Mum I could do that but all I do is turn up and have to listen to you moan and tells me what isn’t working or do tasks. Or another corker. Mrs Neighbour2 gets picked up twice a week by her daughter and she has dinner with them at daughters house. Great Mum but I live one hour drive away, she dislikes my cooking and always has - too bland/salty/spicy. Doing this would mean a 5 hour slot of life taken up to having my mother to dinner. I am backing off at the moment to see what happens but sadly my experience tells me when I dip my toe back in there will be a list of issues to then get back involved in. Starting to think there needs to be a thread or support for daughters of difficult mothers.

Two hours later I received an email saying "You have said you are happy not speaking to me for a week. If that is the case I will not contact you again".

Jackpot 😂

I’ve recently gone NC with my slightly younger but very similar mother after antics over me not signing LPOA. Just because they’re old doesn’t mean we have to let them do this to us. Put yourself first OP. If this was a friend rather than a relative would you continue to engage?

OP you must be about my age (I'm 67) and although I used to be Matron of a nursing home, that was 35 years ago.

I couldn't look after anyone nowadays. I've got a lot of health issues of my own now.

@TheShellBeach am 65 and have stage 3 COPD as well as diabetes and mobility issues. Need all this shit like a hole in the head. As mother seems to delight in telling me "you're in worse shape than I am". I feel exactly as you do - my looking after days are over.

She will expect you to go running back apologising now that she’s emotionally cut you off.
Honestly I would take her at her word and not reply.

Having said that telling her that your life is great without her in it is an escalation, so if you can choose not to do that you won’t have the stress of the inevitable fallout.
Would you be able to accept the weekly phone call and just say “Oh got to go! Bye!” if/when she starts her carry on? It might train her that phone calls where she is rude get abruptly ended.

Did she go to boarding school?

No but I did from.the age of 12 til 18 while they lived abroad

@BlueLegume please start that thread it would be very helpful x

@anagram32 solidarity from me, my mother is also becoming more vile and bilious with age, these women don't mellow x

@Lexy70 thankyou - please remind me.Was this my suggestion away from Elderly Parents thread about Support for Daughters of Difficult Mothers/Parents? If yes I will definitely start one tomorrow. Tired of reading how many of us have parents so tricky. Our grandparents were most certainly not this. Nor our grandparents. Definitely up for the new thread if you think it would be useful x

It shouldn't surprise me but it does reinforce the sense of her being abusive - as she is clearly deteriorating in health we agreed a year ago that she would ring my phone twice in the morning when she woke up just to let me know she was still alive. She has done it every morning. The last two? Nothing .....

She lives alone in an isolated village and is housebound. There is a tiny vision of her lying dead in her bed in my head but I just feel that if I call I am a pawn in a cruel game. I have know for years she is an abusive bully but a misguided sense of responsibility/duty kept me capitulating every time in order to appease her and make it ok. Why it has taken me until now I don't know - my own health issues/an inability to continue denying her emotional cruelty?? - but I instinctively know there is no going back for me now. It hurts like hell but it is also quite liberating.

@anagram32 hard to read and most likely incredibly hard for you to write. So true though. When you think about these and it seems to be mothers more often than not, if they were a partner we would be being told by our friends and relatives that their behaviour is/was coercive and abusive. So many red flags over the years but we muddle on by making excuses for them until the penny drops, usually around menopause when we decide to take less BS from everyone. Keep the liberating feel front and centre and try, hard as it is to know you did not cause this situation so you definitely cannot fix it.

So draining. I did a few errands sat. Actually I said how ragged my friend is. The mam 90. Oh you have a duty to your parent)
Lol. I do be glad to drive home. Its tiring as you say op.