Difficult elderly mother making me ill

[anagram32]

My mother is 94 and was diagnosed with end stage heart failure two years ago. My partner and I live 150 miles away from her. We have always visited her regularly since she was widowed 24 years ago. I have LPA's for her both financially and health. She is still pretty switched on for her age and able to bank and shop online. For all of my life she has been extremely controlling/spiteful/critical of me and has never respected any boundaries whatsoever. We have a pattern where she will goad and goad until I either become very upset or end up shouting and only then will she stop and tell me how much she loves me.

Spending time with her now is very stressful. She hardly eats and is either asleep/looking at her ipad or saying unpleasant hurtful things. I have only seen her twice this year due to my own knee replacement surgery but I ring her every day, am in regular touch with her, sort out many things she finds difficult and have found her a cleaner and gardener. She finds it hard to thank me for anything I do. She finally agreed to stop driving last year after she had a 'turn' whilst out shopping - despite us begging her to do so for years as she was wildly unsafe on the roads. She lives alone in an isolated village and regularly asks her neighbours to drive her to her GP, hospital appointments and to collect things for her. Because they are kind, they do.

Any suggestions that she has a carer, considers moving into a nursing home or actually pays someone to do her errands is met with shouting, rudeness and more spiteful comments. Discussions about her increasing frailty and funeral wishes are simply closed down. She will never call me after a disagreement or hurtful statements and I call because I am her only child and would feel riven with guilt if she died when we were not speaking.

I have severe COPD, diabetes, psoriatic arthritis and am convinced the stress of dealing with her bloody-mindedness and emotional cruelty all my life has contributed to at least some of my health issues. I feel so much anger inside about it all but don't feel I can go no contact at what is basically the end of her life.

Any words of wisdom if you have been in this or a similar situation with an elderly parent would be so appreciated. I dread my nightly call with her and sleep is becoming problematic. Thanks in advance.

This sounds not unlike my parents. My DF is in a nursing home now but we had a few years of being pulled around by my DM's need for attention. Driving up and down constantly, early morning and late night calls or messages despite asking her not to, that sort of thing.

Now DF is settled in a home the focus has turned onto her own health and surprise surprise, she had an "emergency" (it wasn't an emergency, she wasn't even ill) the day I left for holiday and phoned me with another pretend emergency thing on the day before we came home. Then was upset I'd blocked her calls, as I'd seen it coming a mile off.

She's also been quite sneery about me or my sister being ill, DS had cancer and is checked checked for high blood pressure at the moment. DM's response was to tell my sister that DF probably had better blood pressure than her, my sister. Lovely. There have been other episodes where family members have been ill and she's been horrible about it, although expecting everyone to drop everything if her and DF are ill.

Also like yours, she lives in a fairly remote area and expects everyone else to facilitate this for free.

I've tried to discuss things with her but nothing she's done has ever been unreasonable, no matter how batshit she's clearly been; I'm a bad daughter for having boundaries too.

I'd also been ill - I got prediabetes and depression - 3 years ago, the penny eventually dropped and I began reducing contact and having counselling, "D"M kept shoving at boundaries to the point I've got NC with her.

Life's a lot quieter. I feel bad in some ways but I absolutely couldn't keep going the way I was.

The Stately Homes thread is also helpful.

Well yes I’d also take it as a huge win. She’s loving the drama isn’t she and playing the martyr. Op I’d not reply to the email and I’d try to have the strength to leave her alone for a bit and let her stew which I know is easier said than done. She’s very emotionally immature with a very external locus of control so she’s not going to have an epiphany sadly.

@BlueLegume I think that thread would be good.

I've been told that Mrs X's family have gone on holiday with her to somewhere I'd recently been.

I also get used to be told in an ominous tone that Mrs Y's daughter hasn't been in Mrs Y's house for a year, this was when I did visit regularly and presumably to somehow keep me visiting. No idea. Mrs Y's husband used to work at the same place as my parents in a village. Anyway I suggested my Mum invite Mrs Y over if she wanted company to be told that she "didn't know her properly".

It shouldn't surprise me but it does reinforce the sense of her being abusive - as she is clearly deteriorating in health we agreed a year ago that she would ring my phone twice in the morning when she woke up just to let me know she was still alive. She has done it every morning. The last two? Nothing .....
She lives alone in an isolated village and is housebound. There is a tiny vision of her lying dead in her bed in my head but I just feel that if I call I am a pawn in a cruel game.

A game is exactly what it is. Stay strong OP x

She sounds very narcissistic, quite like my mother, OP.
They won't be told and are full of entitlement and gaslighting.
I hope it gets easier for you xxxx
Best wishes.

@AngryLikeHades @anagram32 Well said - I know it is unpopular to armchair diagnosis NPD but I had always thought it of our mother. Several years ago I ended up talking to a nurse about something I was worried about re elderly parents and she kept coming up with the usual helpful suggestions. When I explained my situation she said 2 things that stopped me in my tracks. 1) She sounds like she has a personality disorder - probably narcissism and 2) if you were telling me this about a partner/husband I would point you in the direction of help for being part of an abusive coercive relationship. Properly made me stop and think. But as we do I continued doing what society and our brother expects and ‘look after them in their later years’. It is utterly exhausting. Happily I do know it has made me a much better parent.

@HoraceGoesBonkers - they're never unreasonable are they? Never vindictive. Never selfish. Never in the wrong. A strong pattern of my mother when I was younger was to be absolutely vile and when I was clearly distressed to say "I was only joking. Where is your sense of humour?". Textbook abuser.

I have this afternoon had a further email telling me that the reason she said she would never contact me again was to "make me happy" because I had told her a week without her rudeness was bliss. She says she misses our "cosy chats". Cosy chats? 😱 Cosy as a gun to your head. I replied telling her to please not dress it up as something done for my benefit when in fact she was being vindictive and nasty in an attempt to get me to call her. I explained that I had no energy for all this toxicity anymore because of my own health issues, that it would take me a while to get over and I would call her in a few months!

Wow, OP.

Your mother really takes the cake!

I'd be tempted to reply that you've also had a nice, peaceful week.

But I think that ignoring her is the best policy. She's trying to get a response.

Er, yes, mine would say something downright awful and be astonished I was offended, then make out I was being over sensitive.

I remember once when we had a row a couple of years back and it was something she'd done that had caused a huge row that I had to deal with the fallout from (I'd asked her not to tell someone something, she promised not to, and then she did), and I didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks, I got an e-mail from her saying that "We've always been friends." Erm.

I know it's easier said than done, but the best thing is not to argue with her. She's getting a boost from the attention. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Anything you do say will be used against you in her conversations with her friends and neighbours, thus helping to cement their sympathy for her.

If she's anything like mine she'll ignore your request for space for a while and be back in your face fairly quickly.

@HoraceGoesBonkers I think our mothers are related! If I had a £1 for every time I have been told I am over-sensitive I would be living in a mansion in Monaco.

The one thing she never does is criticise me to friends or neighbours. Quite the opposite - boasts constantly about how wonderful I am. Back in the days when I was a successful journo she used to leave a handful of my business cards on her hall table for all to see

@anagram32 Mine has done this as well. It eventually got that I only told her quite innocuous things because I didn't want whatever I said to be spread around her village. Unfortunately I thought what I was up to in a sport I'd recently taken up wasn't interesting enough for gossip fodder but I was wrong.

I think she twigged and more recently she would just announce to me that "And the kids got a good school report and your business is going well" and so presumably that meant she could carry on boasting to her friends. I just didn't want her saying anything about me AT ALL, often stuff got twisted out of all recognition.

There are unfortunately quite a few of them out there...

LIfe's been a lot quieter since I had a row with her and went NC. It's been hard sometimes but it's more like I'm feeling bad about the relationship we didn't have, and if I start contacting her again she won't miraculously have changed... part of it is that she doesn't seem to have any capacity to reflect on how her own behaviour's pushed people away.

@anagram32 you can block emails as well as calls/messages. I found it in my phone contacts when setting up the call/msg block. The emails get delivered straight to my deleted items folder so I don't see them!

Yes, I blocked my sister's email address.
I block every scam email address, daily.

@HoraceGoesBonkers gosh another post I could have written. The sad thing is they aren’t telling people these stories because they are proud of us it is simply to make them look good. I’ve lost count the number of twisted versions of information my mother has “passed on” as facts over the years. One of my sister’s adult daughters got the chance to move to a country abroad with her job just as part of the natural process of the organisation. Our mother told people she’d been head hunted and even got the name of the country wrong - she has a habit of liking hearing herself say names of places with an accent 🙄 but rather than say the place correctly she always gets it abit wrong. Before the cognitive decline suggestion is made this is a lifelong habit. The number of holidays they’ve been on where she has got the pronunciation wrong is ridiculous. I gave up correcting her years ago as she would always have an answer to make out I was wrong.

@anagram32 well done. Keep strong and hopefully your health will improve?

She sounds vile. So sorry you've had years of this.

God yes very difficult. She told a friend oh god no my family dont bring me away. 😀 so they always get a dig in.
Hard going I try to ignore.

This paragraph is perfect @HoraceGoesBonkers

LIfe's been a lot quieter since I had a row with her and went NC. It's been hard sometimes but it's more like I'm feeling bad about the relationship we didn't have, and if I start contacting her again she won't miraculously have changed... part of it is that she doesn't seem to have any capacity to reflect on how her own behaviour's pushed people away.

Could you simply leave next time she's rude and spiteful? Tell her why, too: 'That's it, Mum. Not listening to any more insults! Bye!' And when you speak to her on the phone, end the call the minute she says something nasty. 'I am not prepared to listen to you when you speak like this. Goodbye.'

@bellocchild Mine tended to be a bit more subtley horrible or would do a lot of huffing. I found there was absolutely no point in pulling her up because she would always have some sort of justification for whatever she's said or done.

I totally accept saying something would help with most people, it just doesn't work with someone who will always have an excuse for however badly they've behaved.

On the blocking, I found this is much more difficult than is made out. Blocking a number means you can still get a voicemail from that number. Shut down voicemail and you still get a notification the blocked number has called. And blocking on a normal phone system still leaves you open on WhatsApp and other channels and, if you're very unlucky, turning up at your house!

OP my mother displays many of the same behaviours as yours. Spiteful, nasty and demeaning remarks that she says I have taken the wrong way, or I have no sense of humour. She's got no empathy and has never been supportive loving or kind to me in general. I stupidly moved closer to her to help her in her old age. One sibling never sees her and the other sees her once or twice a year for a couple of days. She makes me ill too. I dread having to go and visit her, which I only do when absolutely necessary. She will watch me dissolve into tears and not apologise. I don't know what's wrong with her.

Phoning her once a day is just stupidity. Cut it down to once a week and then once a fortnight. Ignore her threats and emotional manipulation. If she becomes rude, leave the house, put the phone down, whatever. Don't continue to engage. Leave it longer till you next get n touch. Visit her as little as possible, do the bare minimum for her and don't feel guilty. She may be your mother but she's a horrible person. If my mother had been kind and loving to me all my life I would be tolerant now, but we have never had any real relationship. She's reaping what she sowed.

I blocked her on my home phone years ago so she never calls on that. I have blocked her on my mobile for long periods when we weren't speaking, and only found voicemails months later. It was a massive relief. You can block her on WhatsApp too if necessary. I have a special ringtone for her on my mobile and if i dont want to speak to her I don't answer.

Oh! How do you do this please?

Click on the email, go to "More" in the options, and block sender/domain.

Great, thank you.

An update I didn't expect to post:

Last Tuesday I had a massive heart attack. Luckily we live close to Hammersmith Hospital which has one of the best heart units in the UK. Was blue lighted and taken straight to theatre where they discovered one artery was completely blocked with clots. Have never felt so ill in my life and thought the ambulance journey would be my final one.They treated it with 'balloon' angioplasty and I was discharged on Friday night.

Got home to messages from Mum's neighbours and cleaner. She had been rushed to hospital with breathlessness (she has end stage heart failure) and it was obvious she was no longer showering or doing her laundry. So the various neighbours who she asked to run all her errands had taken in her laundry and would do all her ironing. Did I know where her hand wash was as there were several dirty cashmere jumpers?! I've just had a massive heart attack and am being asked to call people back about Mum's dirty smalls?! 😱😨

She has been admitted to a ward but as one hearing aid is broken and the battery low on the other, she cannot understand a word the doctors or nurses are saying to her. I haven't spoken to her. I called the ward and the staff nurse said she is making a fuss because she cannot get wifi in that particular spot of the hospital. So she can't email me and she doesn't have a mobile. I have emailed her GP and stated that she can no longer safely live alone and I do not have either the health or capacity to care for her.

This could all have been avoided if she had been more sensible and less of a vile selfish shit. I'm done with it all. As my partner and friends keep telling me every day - I need to focus on me and my own recovery. Thanks for all the lovely words posted since I was last on here x