What’s actually the worst that can happen if I don’t sign the LPOA? (Rambly/ranty, sorry)

[SockFluffInTheBath]

I will preface this with I do know the point of the LPOA. PILs have one (Alzheimer’s and frailty).

My mum wants me to sign hers. She’s a selfish and manipulative article, made me feel like an unworthy inconvenience, loves to take the shine off anything good. I want to tell her no. I’ve actually flipped my lid at her by message this evening and blocked her because I just can’t take anymore at the moment. Over something that people with normal parents would think was irrational and disproportionate. I am stressed by everything in my life (not competing with anyone here) and I just need her to go away. Far away. She’s written in the LPOA that she wants to go in a home near me, and that she wants her laundry going external to the home. I don’t want to visit her and do her washing I really just need her to go away.

She’s mid 70s active and reasonably healthy. I know she won’t be forever. When social services or a doctor calls, why can I not just say no? Why do I have to be locked into her as well as all the other monkeys in my circus? FFS I just want to cry and scream.

With internet banking anyone can be an attorney. In theory, yes. but a lot of initial faff as you change all those branch-based BS accounts into internet ones

My DM’s lawyer had her financial POA, and the care home passed all bills to the lawyer. This included chiropodists, dentist, etc, and paying carers to accompany her to clinics.

I had welfare POA, but mum hadn’t explained to me just how far-reaching it was. (hospital treatment, phone calls from doctors, DNR, etc). Mum retained capacity and was able to discuss with her care team and decide dnr and end-of-life care herself.

I’ve just read your update, OP. I hope you don’t need that hard hat too much. I was lucky in that we had a good relationship and mum clearly knew that I would be overwhelmed no matter how well we got on.

Health POA is for when the donor loses capacity. My DM didn’t but obviously dementia patients might. You don’t need to do anything if donor retains capacity, however discussion with a loved one is always best.

Finance POA. You do the work if you have accepted it. It’s not a solicitor unless they are the POA. Expensive!

I found that even when we didnt have LPA for health I was called as parent told them to. The Doctors, health professionals etc will cling onto anyone they can find to enable them to pass the decision making on. I already had Health LPA during my Father's last days and I asked the hospital whether they wanted to see it as I knew what he wanted but they dismissed it. I guess what was going to happen would happen.

The system is very scrappy tbh. The Health LPA is only when someone lacks capacity so its limited.

Basically I found if the parent was calling for you with or without an LPA the professionals would contact you. They assumed that the elderly person was giving permission. Thing is they dont know whether you have refused to be the attorney for other reasons and its very very difficult if the Doctors are asking you to attend hospital to put the phone down.

Just say no - return unsigned. It's a lot to ask, especially if you don't get on. They can find someone else to do it.

I've just turned down a relative who asked me to be POA but lives 5 hrs round trip away. I work full time, DH is v unwell, 3DC. I don't have any spare time to care for another adult right now.

@SockFluffInTheBath You absolutely don't have to accept the responsibility. Don't sign. Don't activate it.

But bear in mind, if she is showing signs of dementia, that it may make sense to have it. You then don't need to facilitate her crazy demands as you are the one who makes the decisions on her behalf. If you decide the best home for her happens to be 200 miles from you, that's the place she'll go.

I have responsibility for my mother and tbh it's not a huge amount of work, but there is the mental load.

Meanwhile, she can ask to move to a care home near you. You can get a job in Australia the following week. She can't control your life with PoA or without it.

But bear in mind, if she is showing signs of dementia, that it may make sense to have it.

this is what worries me.

You do not have to do it.
Even if you sign the forms you can resign at any time.
Using LPOA to state where your laundry should be done is all kinds of bonkers and not going to be enforceable.

You are an adult and don't live in North Korea. You do not need sign anything and do not need to do anything.

Made me smile, thank you!

Unblocked her and sent this (feel bad daughter and temporarily relieved but know it will go bang).

I’m not going to sign the LPOA forms. I’ve got another 20-odd years of working, and with the patch I’m in (and about to be promoted) I wouldn’t have time to run it properly. If cousin 1 and cousin 2 are happy to be on there it’s probably best to have them do it. You have time before you need it, so if you’re worried maybe move into sheltered housing to get a step ahead.

Good for you, now block again, if it goes bang you don't need to know.

I’ll be back at work on Monday so you’ll all get peace 😅 but thank you all so much.