🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I wrote a long old post there about what a difficult old baggage FIL is becoming, and deleted it as being a bit too identifiable. In fact, the only thing likely to finger him as the man in question is the timing. I'm feeling like the world's most selfish DIL for staying home this morning to sort out some admin and medical stuff of my own, while FIL deals with various social work/OT visits by himself.
DH is seething because, like so many of you, he advised his parents to find somewhere more suitable to live many times over the years, and they avoided doing so for various spurious reasons. And now he seems to be tied to FIL's expectations of daily care tasks.

@countrygirl99 feel for you. How utterly frustrating after all you have done. I have started to tell myself my mother has oppositional defiance disorder - much as it irks me to give her a pass for frankly poor behaviour I am reluctantly having to appreciate nothing we or anyone does is right BECAUSE she cannot see that anyone knows better than she does. I have stepped back food wise now as earlier this year I started curating really nice food deliveries, which I took over, really thought out etc and she threw it all away - 6 weeks on the bounce. We are trying to get her to accept a food delivery just to take the pressure off us all - she refuses. I feel like she is using coercive behaviour to guilt trip us so back to my soothing favourite website of https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Bloody hell! But I did have to laugh at the 'ofsted inspector' comment; I can well imagine!! And ditto with the crying in the shower; very cathartic at times.

Flaming infuriating when 'they know best' when you know they don't i.e. not downsizing when physically fit enough to do so years ago. I'm only in my 50's but I've already warned DH that we are 'bungalow hunting' within the next 5 years! 😂

@ArabellaFishwife quite. My mother and father announced about 8 years ago they ‘really fancied’ a new build independent living type accommodation being built near my sister. It was utter BS as firstly the 2 bedder basic entry was double their budget and the one she ‘REALLY fancied’ and ‘would definitely choose’ was 3 times their budget. They went ahead with a planned visit though, had the free lunch, got all the brochures etc and then did nothing….it was all an elaborate distraction and a big FU to us trying to get them to downsize. Essentially they felt they were far too superior to move to anything they could afford and ‘really fancied’ the idea of this fancy place. Very them. Very deluded. Wasting time and energy swanning around and talking about something they were never ever going to do whilst firmly burying their heads in the sand. Another rant - thanks it helps.

oh @countrygirl99 I can feel the frustration on your behalf! gaaahhhh!!!! you must be tearing your hair out. 😑

@Projectme we are mid/late 50s and already have recently moved to an apartment, we also have a place overseas we had intended to move to but that is now on hold as we simply can’t. Gutting to be honest more for my partner than anything as it is me who feels like I am holding him back with our lifelong plans for this time of life.

so @BlueLegume if she doesn't accept the meals being delivered you (and others?) have to provide something? What would happen if you (all) said no to providing something and that meals would have to be delivered going forward? Would she be that stubborn to starve herself and survive on bread and cheese?! Honestly the obstinacy is mind blowing!

@Projectme truth be told I think she is eating and shopping for food she just loves a long tale of woe - always has - about everything. She loves being thin as it brings attention and she has always been like this. Frankly by the time I am her age I will happily live on toast, crisps and gin. She just hates her life - regrets - absolutely- but rather than face up to it she is dragging us into her misery. Historically I can see we have all pandered too much. She has played games her whole life and we have all caved so this is just an extreme version. Don’t want to out myself but tactics include ringing one of us, hanging up after one ringtone, we then call back and she won’t answer, home phone ‘engaged’ (off the hook) so we panic and get in the car and drive over - an hour for me. As she has upset all her neighbours we cannot ask them to check. Get there and she is sat in the garden and ‘shocked’ at us arriving. Knows exactly what she is doing. This is an example from a couple of decades ago.

Good god @BlueLegume !!! I'm speechless! I really just don't know what to say to that. She's getting you all to dance to her tune, as and when she feels like upping the anti to test the waters. 😳how someone can do that to their loved ones is absolutely mind boggling.

And your property abroad sounds idyllic but the feelings of guilt and the emotional blackmail would render it ugly and spoilt. How horrible for you. I'm so sorry.

Thanks @Projectme honestly she is a piece of work and always has been. On reflection Dad sort of reined her in before he went into the nursing home now she is free to wreak havoc on all of us. Dad’s stock phrase used to be ‘you know what your Mum is like BlueLegume, just make life easier and do what she wants’. She has zero coping skills as she has never required them. I also think, and I am sharing on here as no one knows me, she has orchestrated a lot of her behaviour because when we bought our place overseas she was like a green eyed monster on steroids. She actually told me that although we had been telling her for a good 5 years or so our plans she ‘didn’t really think we would go ahead’. Honestly, thanks for your outrage - it helps. Will let you get on with your day and your own challenges I have taken up too much time. If I could without outing myself I would write a book of her (mis)adventures of manipulation over my lifetime. Have a good day

Good lord @BlueLegume she is a piece of work. Are you not tempted just to go abroad and let the chips fall where they may?

@ArabellaFishwife do you think FIL will take on board any of the social worker/OT recommendations?

@countrygirl99 she has directly sabotaged the help you tried so hard to organise, they can be so self absorbed and frustrating sometimes with their level of denial.

Signed off work here to give me some head space.

Went to Dad's today to wash his hair, shit all over the bathroom, told him he needs to get his cleaner in more often. She telephoned while I was there, trying to arrange a time for her to come, he doesn't want to this week because of the funeral, but didn't arrange something for next week whilst she was on the phone. Typical of my Dad ostriching in the face of reality.

@Choconuttolata very tempted absolutely but my sister is lovely and I want to help her. My brother would lose the plot with me if I did go. He already doesn’t think we do enough. He had the gall recently to ‘tell us about the hoarding in the outhouse’. When I told him my kids used to want to play in granny and grandpas ‘shop’ over 25 years ago he was aghast. Unfortunately any breaks away are full of anxiety so it has lost its appeal. Hopefully @ArabellaFishwife some help will be accepted. @countrygirl99 sabotage is such a perfect description. When we took our mother for a routine appointment at her GP the nurse practitioner asked how she was generally and her response was ‘BlueLegume keeps saying she has her own life and that I am too much for her’. None of that was true. What she has done is sabotage this part of my life because pure and simply she is envious. She is a very envious person and always has been so anything nice she ruins. She is certainly ruining this part of our life.

Commiserations to everybody answering the phone with gritted teeth or dealing with annoying siblings etc.
We find low alcohol beer/gin substitutes very useful at peak times. Any emergencies can still be attended to but if it's one of "those" calls you can honestly say "oh what a shame, I've had beer/g&t either someone else can do it or it will have to wait". No one needs to know it was actually Peroni 0% or Sipsmiths (other low alcohol tipples are available).

I sometimes think the frustration all round would power the National Grid...

I'm in a very easy phase relatively speaking and can't help realising both that a lot of the stress over the past two years was foelding my sister's opinion of the previous nursing home, and the realisation that she was right about it. It is so nice going to the new home and being greeted with smiles from the staff, and actually having an email address for the manager that results in a fast response every time (try not to use it as it feels so precious).

Having said that... Mum is either vacant or asleep just recently and I can't help hoping thinking again that we might be near the end? I googled 'how to lay out a body' as it occurred to me that I might ask to help with that when the time comes. Knowing Mum she could easily still be here in a couple of years though.

@BlueLegume I empathise with your feeling held back in life. We will have a similar dilemma arise in the next few years. DH wants to move to the South West, where he’s from, and this has become our dream second half of life destination. Catboy is in his last year of studies at school and hopefully will be off to Uni this time next year (both dreading this and excited for him). Then it will be our time to look for suitable places and make the move - but my parents I expect will still need my help. Next year they will be 97 and 89. To be blunt, even if my Dad doesn’t get that far, I expect my Mum will, and then what am I going to do with her? She’s the worse of the two - totally impractical, but stubborn. It’s going to be a nightmare. I’m NOT waiting more years to move, but it means either forcing carers on her (with many trips up and down the M5), or taking her with us and finding suitable accommodation/ care home. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Plus, their house, when it eventually comes to be cleared, is at least a year’s work, as there is years of neglect and hoarding that will be upsetting to wade through.

When I really think about it, I feel sorry for their side too, because it can’t be easy. I can’t be easy to get old and frail and slow, and to contemplate leaving your home of 40 years. I understand that. They’re not choosing to live into decrepitude- unless one is very brave and defiant, we don’t go when we want to, as many in these threads know all too well. They’re probably dreading any further decline in health and difficulty in managing and they can’t help the coincidence with our timing to move.

BUT. They could have bloody done something in their 60s or 70s! They could have downsized, they could have decluttered, they could have planned. Even now, they could make some decisions (clear out, regular cleaner, gardener) that would make a massive difference. But no. So while I don’t blame them for being old and vulnerable (and this is why I keep helping), I do bloody blame them for the things they could have done and didn’t. It didn’t have to be like this. It could have been so much easier.

@countrygirl99 I’ve been working my way through trying some of the CBD drinks, after a very stressful day I do think I feel slightly calmer, cheers 🥂

@MotherOfCatBoy and @BlueLegume I’m working with a house clearance firm who specialise in hoarders because of the years of neglect and disrepair and whole rooms unusable due to hoarding… it’s still hard as I’m the manager of a big project that I can’t even discuss with DF, but at least I can just dig through stuff for treasure then send the firm in. Do not do it by yourself when the time comes. I’m tempted to get them to do my house after!

@PermanentTemporary I think it’s completely normal and okay to hope for what will likely be a merciful relief all around. Wishing you strength.

@Choconuttolata glad you’ve got signed off for some headspace, sorry you’re still cleaning up and there’s still some resistance to outside help.

nothing we or anyone does is right BECAUSE she cannot see that anyone knows better than she does. Can you imagine a time coming when your DC know better than you do?

@MereDintofPandiculation yes. My adult kids know more than me. They live in the current world

DH and I had this conversation recently about him mithering DS18. Told him to accept DS’ choices, attempts, mistakes, and to guide only when asked. He doesn’t know better because he’s older/ done it/ seen it. And he doesn’t want DS to feel about him how he feels about FIL. I think it hurt to hear it, but he says he took it on board and has changed how he reacts.

@Choconuttolata good show, make sure to get some rest and self-care type stuff going on. It’s time for you, not them.

Anyhow, today has been awful and to quote DD17 ‘I just can’t’. I think FIL maybe the most selfish person I’ve ever met. Maybe a tale for another day. Am too angry to write it in a way that wouldn’t get you all round here with pitchforks. Goodnight all 🥃

Currently sat in hospital assessment unit with 'D'M.
On Saturday she lost all of her keys.
On Monday she was found wandering outside the front of her house at 6am accusing me of stealing her cat, money and a cup.
Today her house was like a sauna because "the other people living in the house" (she lives alone) had put her Hive thermostat outside all night so the heating was blasting out trying to increase the thermostat temperature above 14 degrees.
Neighbour found her again this afternoon locked out with the thermostat in her hand.
Apparently all the people in her house have been telling her what she can and can't eat/wear/do.

She has a UTI and the doctor wants to keep her in overnight to keep her safe, she is kicking off & it's all my fault.

I have said this before many times, but I hope my body gives up before my mind does - I'm not putting my kids through this.

Supposed to be at work in 7 hours!

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia Goodness hope you are able to get some help. Sounds incredibly difficult

Omg @notcopingwellwithDMdementia. I hope you've been able to leave.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia you can refuse to take her home on the grounds it’s unsafe to discharge. They will be awkward and lean on you but it’s a fast track to an assessment and thus support at home. It may well be ‘just’ because of the UTI but it’s a taste of what’s to come. MIL is a wanderer with ‘other people in the house’ and we now have locks on gates, door alarms etc

I imagine it’s too late and you’re at work, but please look after yourself.

We have a very different relationship with our children to the one we had with our parents growing up. I was brought up that you just did exactly what the parent said, no argument, else you'd get walloped. You didn't talk to them, you were expected to be quiet unless you were required to show off some achievement to demonstrate what good parents they were. There was no dialogue. That then causes more difficulties when the parent is elderly but still thinks they know best.

Yes, my child is primary-age so a long way to go but I admit when I've made a mistake and apologise (I cannot imagine my parents ever apologising to me!), we talk about learning from our experiences, to listen to each other and think about different perspectives.

And very different lifestyles now where change is the norm. My parents had jobs for life, always lived in the same place, one never even had to use a computer at work! That makes it so much harder to deal with having to make changes as they age in terms of where they live. Whereas I've had multiple jobs, I'm in my fifth(!) pension scheme and I've lived in multiple counties, let alone cities so am far more used to making practical decisions about where to live and the amount of stuff I need.