🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Morning all. Too early for a negroni? 😅

FIL discharged himself late last night after a few failed attempts to replace the catheter. They told him it would need to be done surgically so he refused and left. Ambulance brought him back just before midnight. Emergency additional carer arrived early this morning for MIL and we’ve left it in place as FIL is clearly in no fit state. District nurse came about an hour ago, left 20 mins later, still no catheter. The valve at the bottom of his bladder is collapsed so nothing drains without intervention, he will die without a catheter. Going to read him the riot act shortly. DH is on his knees, he was off work with stress for half of last year and I see him rapidly deteriorating now in the same way. He’s had to go into work today, can’t wfh as contractors onsite. Time for a change and I think I will have to be bad cop. MIL was happy as anything last night without him, much less agitated ( probably from not being shouted at) and happy chatting to her photos. Sounds daft but if she’s happy and safe then that’s all I want.

@FiniteSagacity it’s not a competition, we all have shocking days and ok days. Solidarity indeed 🙂
@Projectme i know the little girl lost routine, FIL does it very well. Very frustrating.
@Malbecfan its so hard some days, you’re doing great.

@SockFluffInTheBath the catheter situation sounds awful. DF self-catheterises and being honest, if he stops being able to do this, I really don't think I could do it. Your poor DH - none of this is his fault and to be honest, he might find work a helpful distraction. It works for me!

Yes, @Malbecfan I have done a typed and signed letter from DM that is on file at her GP's so I know the Doc will share the information with me when I call them. I don't have PoA for Health and Welfare because I just didn't want the full responsibility of making those kinds of decision for my parents. (read that as wimped out!)

@SockFluffInTheBath so does FIL actually realise the severity of him saying no to having the surgery to fix his catheter?!

On the whole, I have minor issues with regards both my parents compared to some of you and I was very nearly on my knees earlier this year (so god knows what mess I'd be in if I had to deal with what you have!) but having received some counselling and following boundary settings (that have not buckled and everyone has survived) I'm in a better place thankfully. On top of dealing with the practicalities of their requirements, underneath it all, they are going to die (as we all are) and it's the anticipatory grief that plays a huge part too. That's hard to switch off even if parents have been a bit shit along the way.

I hope things improve for you all, one way or another. 💐

Minor schminor, honestly. It's not ten days since I was moaning about stuff that now seems trivial and petty in the scheme of things, but it was still having a serious impact on our freedom and quality of life. And the things we've put in place to make things safer and more comfortable for FIL have only highlighted the gravity of a deteriorating situation.
Keep me a negroni for later on, will you? I'm off to clean up a pissy mattress.Or see if it's salvageable at least.

so does FIL actually realise the severity of him saying no to having the surgery to fix his catheter?! Yes, when it was first fitted he went through a phase of pulling it out, and his consultant was honest, I would actually say brutal, about the consequences. Intervention coming when DH gets home.

My cupboard is freshly stocked @ArabellaFishwife , just the thing to get rid of the stale urine smell that lingers in your nose. For MIL we use a waterproof mattress protector and a normal one on top to make it less crinkly/sweaty.

@Projectme I’m glad you’re in a better place mentally. Can’t pour from an empty cup (of something strong and bitter 🥃 < closest I could find!).

Happy Friday everyone.

Gosh, all our elderly parents seem to be giving us some trouble these days!

I'm mostly recovered. Well enough to be back to running around after my mum anyway. I'd organised a food delivery but then she went shopping with a friend to buy biscuits/cake/chocolate/crisps. She knows I disapprove (even though I still buy whatever she asks me to) as she has chronic kidney disease so that's probably why she only asks me to order the healthy stuff.

Dad definitely slowing down, eating less and spending more time in his room at the care home. His Parkinson's nurse did say that this was the beginning of the end when he went there a year ago so maybe things are getting closer. It's hard to know when to make the decision that my sister (who lives overseas) should come for a visit.

I’m sorry I’m still lurking to help me count my blessings after a long week. So much solidarity here. DF’s catheter rejection was so frustrating because it could have meant freedom for him and those caring for him.

The smell of stale urine and the attempts at rescuing mattress/chair became very familiar. We wanted to weep the day the NHS delivered a fabric riser recliner because GP and District Nurses knew about the day and night incontinence and that a whole bed wash including duvet was necessary every day.
I’m pretty sure the chair needed burning after what was only really a few weeks in between hospital admissions and respite. But in a patient so resistant to help or any change.

Sorry not to reply individually I am still lurking and sorry to hear of all that everyone is coping with. It really is shit and so frustrating when you are dealing with resistance to help and change and no recognition of the impact on the other people around them.

Struggling with my stress levels at the moment as neither of the other executors are doing anything to help with the mammoth task of my Aunt's estate, one is also being obstructive. DH also not always being helpful as he is annoyed with them because of the impact on me and our family, but sounds off about it at me which I just don't need. Just organised some counselling, but I may end up getting the GP to sign me off work if I don't feel better.

DDad also still resisting all suggestions and back to peeing in a bucket which smells and means flies are everywhere 🤢 DB still incommunicado and not stepping up to help with DDad at all. One phonecall where he apologised and said he had just been playing computer games, promised to do better and be more helpful then nothing.

My autistic kids are also struggling with being back to school and changes with support staff so me having to be away sorting out Aunt's estate is not good.

I need a holiday and 🍸

@Choconuttolata that's incredibly tough on you. A trip to the dr is a good plan. I got signed off when my dad was dying, couldn’t perfect the art of being in 3 places at once and fell asleep while driving home one night. Put yourself first. What’s the worst that happens if you step back from being lead pony on your aunt’s affairs?

@Choconuttolata that sounds awful - I think getting signed off for a while is a good plan (just don't tell anyone so that you get some time to yourself.)

This is such an unbelievably tough situation for everyone on here to be in, and so 'un-talked' about in real life.

I'm off to DM's shortly for my weekly visit and I find myself dreading it more every week. She's very cross with me this week because currently she thinks I live with her and haven't been going home. I haven't lived with her since I was 17 - nearly 40 years ago (for good reason!) So I'm expecting lots of abuse when I get there.

Several of you suggested I head over here in response to my post about my extremely spiteful, impossibly difficult 94 year old mother. So I've parked up and am lugging a crate of Cremant in to share. Thank you to all who responded. I am now on day 5 of no contact after years of nightly calls on which her stubbornness, emotional cruelty, vindictiveness and lack of respect have left me wanting to throw the phone out the window at least once a week. And yes, it does still feel great and all the aches and pains of my various health issues are not nearly as bad as they usually are. Solidarity and knowing you are not the only person in your situation goes a long way.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia how did it go?

@anagram32 welcome! I'm still quite new here and by comparison to many, I have it quite easy. DF is pathetically grateful for everything - this morning I walked a mile each way in the pouring rain to get his newspaper. I enjoyed the walk apart from the moron who tried to push me into the brambles because he couldn't wait for 10 seconds whilst I reached the passing place.

@anagram32 it really does help knowing you’re not alone. It’s not socially acceptable to talk about how hard it can be caring for elderly relatives, so this place is invaluable.

@Malbecfan hopefully he will fall in the brambles next time…

@SockFluffInTheBath very true about it not being socially acceptable to discuss our situations. It seems people with no experience of difficult parents think that we should all be putting our usually middle aged lives on hold and becoming our parents carers. In our case to a mother who rejects any sensible assistance such as shopping delivery, using her freezer, a cleaner etc. No to everything but more than happy seeing us on our hands and knees scrubbing her shower and shifting heavy furniture to vacuum with the heaviest vacuum known to man - because not moving furniture is apparently ’slovenly’ and unhygienic 🙄

@BlueLegume this rejecting of much needed help is not only maddening but a bit sneaky because as you say, they are more than happy if you do all the onerous and unpleasant tasks they can no longer manage. We had years of visiting to discover huge cobwebs everywhere, dirty loos and mouldy food in fridge before mother reluctantly caved in to our three line whip on a cleaner. Even now, she seems to think this service should be provided for free. "And I pay her"! she announced to a friend recently in an incredulous tone. Dear God ..... 😮
Unfortunately the sense of entitlement gets worse as they get older. Friends are either dead or equally decrepid by their 90's so neighbours are viewed as an unpaid cab service to drive them anywhere they want to go at the drop of a hat because of course nobody else has any commitments or lives of their own!!

@anagram32 sneaky it most definitely is. My mother needed some new clothes last winter. Point blank refused to order anything online with our help, even though she has always ordered clothes online. Set aside time to take her into a very complicated town (think one way system more like a labyrinth). She refused to select anything but stood in the middle of a well know department store and simply said ‘It’s all tat’. Eventually my sister and I selected an array of practical but nice separates to try on. Reluctantly she agreed to buy some of them. Within a week she was telling me they had ‘fallen apart’. They hadn’t. Cut to Spring this year. On a routine visit to the GP I was driving her to I suggested we stop in town and get some new summer clothes. Her response was ‘not if it is like supermarket sweep like last time. I like to take my time looking for new clothes’. Zero consideration that I had driven an hour from my home to hers, put on a load of washing, taken her a lovely selection of food then taken her to the GP. She seems to think if we agree to help and turn up that she has us for the full day. Manipulation and guilt tripping has always been my mother’s way - it has just got worse.

@BlueLegume you hit the nail on the head with “…if we agree to help and turn up that she has us for the full day”!

Welcome @anagram32 🍷 this is a safe space as @SockFluffInTheBath says, no expectations here you should sacrifice your life for theirs. They’ve often had lives well lived at our ages and it’s not right to expect us to give up the same.

@FiniteSagacity absolutely to your point about our elderly parents having had a life well lived at our now current age. Mine had a whale of a time during their 50s -mid 70s. They were clear they wouldn’t child mind any grand children other than an odd day out here and there - words to the effect ‘we have worked all our lives and want to enjoy our retirement’ and they also had no elderly parents to mind. All died before our parents were mid 50s and relatively quickly with no more than a hospital stay of 3 weeks. That said my parents have been part of the generation that have been sucked in by the big pharma world of medicating every single ailment like guinea pigs to ‘stave off death’. Exhausting for our generation. Welcome to everyone and hugs and sympathy.

Couldn’t agree more @BlueLegume . Both my grandfathers had instant heart attacks in their early 70s. My grandmothers then lived to mid 70s and late 80s. My maternal grandmother was cared for by my spinster Aunt, so my mother did nothing there. My paternal grandmother was very independent and on her feet baking every weekend until a week before her death. My Dad visited every week to be fair but general keeping an eye was done by her neighbours.

My parents, in contrast, are “independent” but in a house and garden far too big for them, they refused to downsize, refuse to clear out and de clutter, refuse a cleaner or a gardener. For my part I refuse to take on those jobs wholesale, though I do what I can here and there, so they are increasing living in mess and squalor and will not make the choices to change it. It takes a day a week from me, sometimes more, when I would rather be focusing on my son doing his A levels - whom they never babysat.

@MotherOfCatBoy so many of us in this position. It has fractured our family as our parents were just like your situation. Mother is now in a house that needs decorating from top to bottom - but historically she only ever does a room every 20 -25 years or so and everything had to be ‘top notch’ or bespoke. So the curtains that cost an arm and a leg 25 years ago are now rotting. I suggested a trip to Dunelm to replace them - she was utterly horrified. This year alone my husband and I have both had some minor but still surgical procedures- she didn’t even ask. Daughter due a corrective procedure on her back. Mother not interested. I try and be upbeat but frankly I am miserably looking at the future with dread.

So the curtains that cost an arm and a leg 25 years ago are now rotting. They shouldn’t be rotting after 25 years!

@MereDintofPandiculation 🤣🤣🤣quite! I think if the company she bought them from hadn’t shut down years ago she’d be complaining. They shut down because the demographic of their customers had my mothers mentality!

How bloody exhausting it all is... @BlueLegume @MotherOfCatBoy @anagram32 @FiniteSagacity @SockFluffInTheBath @Malbecfan I realise I am just starting out on this journey of 'elderly parents' and the joys they bring...ahem...I do take comfort in knowing that there are so many of us out there doing all the hard graft and that I'm not alone.

@BlueLegume there seems to be a massive level of expectation doesn't there. No matter what you do, it's never quite enough, just doesn't quite fulfil everything adequately and to their specific requirements. Since having counselling, I have been able to say 'no' to more specific things and will keep things more generic and say 'sorry, I can't do anymore than XYZ, if you want ABC, you'll have to arrange that yourself'. But I still get the 'oh well...sigh...XYZ will just have to do then won't it' with a shoulder slump...'yes DM, it'll just have to do' (with gritted teeth!)

@Projectme absolutely exhausting both mentally and physically not to mention emotionally. I wouldn’t mind but for around 10-15 years we have gently tried to discuss ‘the future’ with our parents specifically citing we want to make sure they are ok with as much as we can control being on their terms. Point blank refusal to engage. They should have moved years ago when all their contemporaries were but instead they mocked people making good choices saying ‘they are living like old people now and we still feel like teenagers’. That said that is how they have approached everything in life with their heads buried firmly in the sand and never really growing up. A cousin of ours has a theory that our mother would ‘thrive’ if one of us became ill because of what we are dealing with. It’d give her something to talk about….she would not see how awful it was just that she could make the story about herself. My sister, brother and I are all on a concoction of medication for manageable conditions, our mother takes no medication and looks better than all of us. She is like a walking Ofsted inspector if you do anything for her. Nothing, nothing is ever greeted with a thank you it is criticism, a long face and well ‘it’ll have to do if that is the only time you can spare’…….I would like to say she is unbelievable but she has always been the same. I often have a good cry in the shower at the sheer arrogance of her expectation. Sorry a good rant on here does help!!

I'm beyond frustrated with DM at the moment. A year ago she was referred to the falls prevention team after a number of falls and emergency calls to me. Despite constantly being told she hadn't received a letter about an appointment, in February I found a 2 month old letter under a pile of crap brochures. Called them and remade an appointment. Youngest DB and I both took time off to get her to 2 assessments - one lifestyle and one mobility based. She came away with some relatively simple advice - change style of footwear, drink more water, carry a mobile phone or alarm and a couple of simple exercises to do at home. I printed off the email (3 copies based on experience!) and pinned them to her kitchen notice board. She was also enrolled in a falls prevention class. All of which she was quite happy to agree to at the time. It took some effort but we managed to arrange regular transport to get her to the class.
You all know what's coming don't you. The printout disappeared (and I put it up 3 times so clearly not accidental), she won't wear the expensive new shoes and insists her tatty worn out unsupportive ones are just fine, she won't drink more water (that gets a derisory snort) or carry a phone or alarm. On top of that she refused to get into the transport and just told them she didn't see the need as she never falls. So now the cheap community transport volunteers won't deal withher and she's off the class.She clearly does fall as she regularly has bruises/grazes.