🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

YY to cancelled events. Past couple of years DH and I have had to forgo our Christmas outing - as we usually spent the 25th apart we took a day off the week before Christmas, picked a stately home and went and did their Christmas display/light/event etc. Usually a lovely atmosphere and made us feel festive. But hospitalisations and illness cancelled the last two, which was not cheap. This year we will be together Christmas Day at home for the first time ever, but I think we’ll still do a day out and it will take a very high degree of crisis to cancel it this year. I’m cultivating my own pachyderm skin like country.

I’ve also been reluctant to have holidays anywhere more than a couple of hours flight/daily flights away. DH would like to drive the Big Sur, so I think a trip to the West Coast USA will be top of the list when I can once again travel long distance. Of course, DB works at a remote site in a 3rd world country that takes 48 hours door to door to get home, but he’s a man so that’s ok.

Ah yes the "EasyJet Zone", where you know you'll be able to get a flight home fairly quickly and relatively cheaply if it all kicks off.

Looking back, I think the first thing I did once my poor DM was safely tucked into her grave was book a long haul trip!

The nice thing about the US is if you are older and not so mobile you're still pretty well catered for as long as you can get into & out of a car!

Can I join the CC? I've been lurking for a while. DM has been getting worse for a coup!e of years, firstly diagnosed with MCI, then last summer with Alzheimer's dementia. It's been very hard work. In the end I called the GP and honest!y had to act like I was on the verge of suicide to get any help in place. Was ready to get DM admitted to hospital as she had soiled the carpet all over the bedroom and was acting so strangely, but the GP was worse than useless a d was going to just leave, but I pushed and pushed and eventually was going to get her admitted (I thought she might be dehydrated or have an infection, this GP didn't even check her over) - I start packing her hospital bag, then suddenly a couple of hours later I get a call from the crisis team (home treatment service) saying they step in to avoid hospital admissions. Since then she has had 2 carer visits a day, and then SS will take over to assess. So yes, been difficult and traumatic, she has gone downhill relatively quickly and thinks nothing of calling me and stressing me out at 11pm because she can't find her charger or some such thing. Today's emergency is the bathroom light.
Thanks for reading, it's good to hear from others in the same situation. Solidarity to all of us.

Welcome to the cafe, @TakemedowntoPotatoCity . Many of us are familiar with the non-urgent emergencies. So frustrating.

At the moment I feel as though every time I complain about something, the situation goes up another notch, as if someone is having a laugh to see how I like them apples, then. Fed up of spending two hours every evening visiting FIL? Okay, how about we move him to a 'community' hospital, but make it one that's not in his community or yours? The only way we can get there before visiting time ends is if DH has about four hours' sleep in order to start and finish work super super early, not really viable as he's contracted to be available during core hours.

At least he's safe there, and in the right place if he has another fall.

I some ways I've got the opposite problems to a lot of people. My mum doesn't hoard but if she doesn't recognise something or doesn't think she needs it ( even when she really does) she will throw it away. And she never phones expecting me to sort a problem because she thinks she can but 5 minutes later has forgotten there is a problem to sort. So I can get there gone 7pm having been at work all day to discover the bulb in the kitchen/bathroom has gone and the last pack of spares has vanished or the handbag in in the bathroom has come loose or there is another mouse infestation. If I'd know I could have brought appropriate kit or called pest control etc earlier or whatever. There's not even a DIY store in her small town so then it's a 20-30 minute race to get whatever is needed to fix the problem.

Ah, the holidays. Five days in Amsterdam and my brother was on the phone about DM the second our plane touched down on the runway back in the UK. I’ve never gone away without a phone call from the GP, the memory clinic or social services either.

He, of course has no compunction about going away EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND between April and October.

Handbag in the bathroom should of course be hand basin but nothing would surprise me!

@BestIsWest I always add a couple of days to the duration of a holiday. I can get away with it because nobody lives close enough to spot me.
Anything on the WhatsApp while Im away just gets a "sorry, not in the UK". If it's not important enough for either of my brothers to step up it's not important enough for me to disturb my holiday over.

In some ways my life has become easier since mum declined to the point where she’s just not bothered so I don’t get the phone calls telling me something isn’t working (ie she’s forgotten how to use it). Since I took the plug off the bath there’s been no more floods either. And since I dropped to 30 hours at work, it’s a lot more manageable to do the weekly 200 mile round trip.

I’ve said before that a couple of years ago she just went “sod it” and took to her bed like the old lady in ‘Allo ‘Allo. She spends all day in bed with the telly on 24hours, and the carers run up and down the stairs with her drinks and meals. If she was in a home I’ve no doubt they’d get her up and dressed but she’d just keep going back to bed fully clothed.

I’ve asked her if she feels sad or depressed and she says no. She seems content, still knows me and DB and asks after our spouses but she doesn’t seem to have any enjoyment in anything any more. I used to be able to get a smile from her with a bunch of flowers or some chocolate or talking about her favourite music but not now. She’s existing not living and we’re all just waiting for nature to take its course.

I have just spent my lunchbreak visiting a local care home with DH to see if it's even possible to move FIL nearer to us when his current respite care stay ends. The room isn't as fancy as where he is now but the home seems nicer and more organised. The care home has linked sheltered housing that MIL could go into but we have no idea what is the best thing to do (and what MIL actually wants)

The memory service spoke to DH this morning and they don't think PIL should go home as he was aggressive to MIL but they will update when they've visited PIL in the care home. I'm going into the office tomorrow and I cannot wait as I can ignore my phone then.

No change. I was added to a group WA chat and immediately thought oh no please not that but so far it's been quiet.
I'm just a bit twitchy (my previous experience was with very different people where the concept of "helpful" was warped and stretched to the point of madness).

MIL had a fall this morning while the district nurse was in doing FIL’s leg. Refused to be touched or taken to hospital. DH is over there now. This fresh on the back of FIL telling the memory nurse last week that they’re fine, there are too many care visits, and they don’t need all this fuss. Didn’t mention he shouts at her everyday because she doesn’t do as she’s told. There will be a carer with her till she goes to bed tonight. She falls quite often, I think she’s just weak and tired. They could do with someone being in 24hr now for MIL but we can’t be wasting money on that, must preserve cash/house to leave as grand gesture 😡

@SockFluffInTheBath

popping in to see how everyone is and see lots of new faces and sad and difficult stories. It is nearly 6 months since mother in law faded away, slowly and quietly but still came as a shock to DH, who didn't understand the maybe too subtle hints from lovely staff at the nursing home. Cause of death frailty and dementia, but dementia isn't counted as a life threatening disease for CHC, which ironically was being reassessed the week before MiL passed away and looking likely to be refused on the grounds that she wasn't that ill? I won't chase that as there is nothing to gain; but will be aware if and when my own DPs need to go into a home. Today is the day we sell MiLs flat, which feels a little weird, I popped in one last time and said good bye - she was very happy there and now we hope the new young couple moving in will be too. Talking of hoarding I have been clearing out, mostly to charity, some to family, a couple of things been sold etc. but still have a whole room full of boxes, two pieces of furniture, as new but 1970s cutlery set.... DH barely ever helps and I am really fed up with it all now, part of me feels I shouldn't give things away that might have value and money to share with the beneficiaries, and part of me thinks - enough is enough, I was main carer for months, shopping, gardening, taxi driver - no actual family around to help so I will make up my mind as I don't want this hanging around. Family wanted a few bits, but sadly some things MiL thought had value and had marked down to various family members, are not of value and not wanted, that feels a bit sad. One beneficiary didn't make it to the funeral, which went really well - and we have a box of things for her but she lives 2 hours a way and I haven't seen her for 15 years so not particularly keen to make a special journey. She didn't know she was a beneficiary and executor (step daughter) and is getting same as the three sons which again feels odd but MiL didn't think she had any money so likely thought it would be £100 here and there. Money is a funny thing, when DH as executor was updating family one brother said, money what money mum didn't have any money. DH said, well she did because I lent her the money for the flat and she lived rent free for 20 years..... Anyway she will be pleased to think that her sons are now all talking for first time in years and will keep in touch, shame they didn't do so more often. I know how hard it is, I found the last 18 months or more stressful, limiting (not making too many plans for fear of phone calls), worrying - some dreadful care in hospital, but some excellent care too and great staff in the nursing home whom I am full of admiration for. Mostly dreadful carers in the home sadly, with one exception who was delightful and so kind. DD crashed his car into a bottle bank - and now DPs are finally car less, which believe me is a good thing, although they of course find it hard as no decent bus service to their favourite small supermarket. So from MiL to DPs now, who are deaf and won't admit it, arguing a lot, wobbly on their feet - but luckily still sociable and have great neighbours. 3 hours away so was pleased DM finally agreed to a falls alarm with neighbours number. What I have learnt is that you have to ask for help, including from family, keep a diary for yourself maybe and useful if an application for CHC is considered, try anything you think might work, but remember you will likely not win an argument with DPs - you are their child - and that when they say the same thing over and over again, bite your tongue and nod politely. Make the most of the times where you can have a coherent conversation still. The loss is relief, but then weirdly quiet, void filled by probate forms and estate agents... soon all done. I made a small photo book for MiL's 90th, which will be a lovely reminder - I recommend that, it helps with dementia but is also mostly uplifting and great for memories. Thinking of you all and sending strength and some good sleep.

Reading all the messages and feeling solidarity. DM's 90th birthday yesterday. More good care by the new nursing home: she was sitting out, in a dress, had a magazine to look at. I've given her a DVD player as they can't get the TV working and this is brilliant as I can pick things she might actually be able to follow, rather than lots of burbling too-fast nonsense from.daytime TV (or the kids' films they used to put on in the previous home - unintelligible to most i thought and quite insulting). I've ordered a couple of DVDs about famous gardens and the All Aboard/slow TV programmes that the BBC did a while ago, the canal trip and the sleigh ride. I'm also looking at the Relish DVDs designed for people with dementia. Could be good.

Have been reading in solidarity regularly and have done my own posts regarding the state of DPs house in the past. Today I just need a safe place to vent.

DM is bed bound after a real decline over the past 5 years, heart problems, kidney disease COPD and unmanaged diabetes which has lead to no mobility. This week she has become really lucid and has a clarity I’ve not seen for months. She wants to do physio, she wants to get moving again. Previously she hasn’t engaged.

Meanwhile my dad just isn’t coping. Hides in his room when the carers or district nurse are there, given up cleaning or decluttering so it’s becoming even more of a mess. They have a Social Worker who does quite a lot to try and help but Dad is a big drinker so won’t pay for a cleaner again. The last one left anyway as the house was too cluttered.

I have been low contact for years as before DM went down hill they didn’t want me interfering, felt I looked down my nose at them and wanted to be left alone. Fine. Now mums had a few near death moments I’ve been trying to see her more. Yesterday’s visit left my blood boiling and I spent most of the evening crying. I know I’m angry at my mum for not making lifestyle changes in her 60s when advised and for pushing me away because she wanted to smoke! I’m angry at my dad for giving up on mum, the house and drinking every afternoon! So I’m going back to phone calls only. I will take my teens up for half an hour on Xmas day and that’s it .

I must sound the worst bad daughter ever but I can’t have them dragging me down 😩

@chosenone vent away. You are absolutely not a bad daughter. I started another thread which you might find some brilliant advice and support on from this lovely bunch of people - you’ll find many people in the same boat - hope link works www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5179774-appalling-behaviour-dressed-up-as-old-age-it-has-to-be-addressed

@chosenone no sorry I'm the worst daughter actually. I want to be good at something, don't you steal my crown. Your DPs sound completely exasperating. It must be terribly hard to see self-inflicted decline when your help was rejected.

Checking in...at almost wine o'clock! Keep calm, take care of yourselves, and just remember that we do the best we can.

Thank you. I’ve read through your thread and found it invaluable. I do understand FOG, I really have kept my boundaries clear but when I was younger DM was great it was only as I grew up and forged my own career and life she became quite bitter and envious I think. I don’t want to regret not seeing much of them but I also need to keep my boundaries in check. Hugs to you, your mother sounds very hard work.

Thank you. Yes, it’s sad and exasperating in equal measure. I’m sure you’re keeping your boundaries clear and that’s so important.

Having cancelled our trip, we were looking forward to our regular weekly activities tomorrow, but I've been asked to help check through paperwork etc and will need to come early to do that & hospital visit.
Briefly thought if I went down today for paperwork then I could still fit things in but was told it was too much driving. Fair point.

So many familiar stories. DH is going to visit MIL tomorrow (just a 400 mile round trip) He doesn't want to stay over particularly as MIL is miserable and just sits on the sofa in silence with the curtains closed. FILs respite stay is due to finish at the weekend and MIL is in no fit state to have him home again. We have no idea what to do next and BIL has helpfully gone silent.

DH took early retirement from a very stressful job it makes me sad to see him looking just as stressed all over again.We have vowed to never put our kids through such an awful time.

@Morenicecardigans at least we're old enough that "needing my own bed, for my back" will always hold a grain of truth! When it's also an important thing to get back home to unwind and de-stress a little.

Hello all - joining here to hopefully keep my sanity. Some of you were really supportive to me on another post about my elderly mother (94, end stage heart failure, been spiteful, vindictive and unreasonable all my life) whose behaviour was making me ill. As I posted on my latest update there, I had a heart attack on 1st October. I had been going NC for 3 weeks with her prior to that happening

The night I was discharged from hospital, she was rushed in to hospital with breathlessness. (She lives 150 miles away and I am her only child)..She was kept in for 3 weeks which was bliss and gave me some much needed peace to focus on my recovery. I insisted to the hospital that it would be unsafe to discharge her without a care package because she lives alone and I cannot look after her. But they assessed her, deemed her to have capacity. She refused all care and was discharged home last week with a massive oxygen unit.

Since then it has been a horror story. She fell in the bathroom the first night home. Neighbours piled in and took ages to get her upright as she was behind the bathroom door. Worried neighbour arranged for emergency care from a charity for a week. Mum gets them to make her a slice of toast in the morning and tells them not to come back later. Refuses to pay all future care even though she can well afford it. Has locked herself out of both her emails and online banking 5 times now as keeps putting in wrong password/details so has no access to money as now permanent block. We have a Financial and Health PoA for her but cannot activitate as she is deemed to have capacity. Tells me she can manage, not to interfere.

Here I am four weeks after a heart attack getting 7 phone calls yesterday from a) worried and increasingly irritated neighbours telling me I need to arrange care because she keeps ringing them and asking for help/errands b) worried charity provided temp free care, c) worried carer and d) social services assessor who found her stubborn and uncooperative. Do I just leave her unable to pay bills or communicate with the outside world? (She is profoundly deaf and relies heavily on email). I want to have the peace to be able to focus on my health and recovery instead of confused, sobbing messages or accusations.that I am 'emotionally blackmailing' her for telling her I will not put up with all this stress after a heart attack. She's just vile. Anyone else had a similar experience? She clearly does not have 'capacity' but GP seems reluctant to do anything.

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