🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Hi @anagram32 i hope you’re recovering physically. In your shoes I would email what you’ve written above to her sw/assessor and say you are not getting involved anymore as you have to prioritise your own health. Stop answering your phone/ listening to messages. I would imagine ss react faster to a pissed off neighbour than a tired relative.

What Sock said. Constant "Sorry, no can do. Too sick myself". On repeat. I'd be tempted to block anyone who tried to guilt trip me too.

@anagram32 firstly and you already know this - hard as it is you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. As @SockFluffInTheBath and @countrygirl99 advised. Keep it short but polite but make sure it’s a firm no.

"I am recuperating from a very recent heart attack and she has been deemed to have capacity.
She is refusing help as you know.
If a fresh capacity assessment deems her to lack capacity then it is a different situation."

The thing is, even if the finance LPoA says you can act straight away (check) -- it's not a huge amount of help, if she is refusing care & has capacity!

If she doesn't have capacity ... then you can use the health PoA to arrange care, the finance LPA to pay for it, and do most of that via WhatsApp, pointing out you are under strict medical orders.

I take it you're the only attorney, there's no-one else?

You wouldn't be back at work yet after a heart attack! I recently supported someone relatively young and fit back into work after one and that was a 12 week process of gradually increasing hours, providing support and making sure they're not stressed! At four weeks they were beginning to consider when to start the return to work.

I'd tell the lot of them you're unable to provide any assistance for at least another two months, then ignore. It's up to the neighbours if they support or not, point out to them that you can't help and it's up to them if they do. And you're not taking any more calls about her whilst you recuperate.

She was deemed by hospital Assessment Nurse to have capacity last week bizarrely. I am the only Attorney on Finance, my partner is also an Attorney on Health.

Capacity? Yeah right. Convinced hospital was trying to kill her. GP visited her last Friday. Got her to fill in one of those medical Respect forms. Has specified that she never wishes to be treated in hospital again but wants to be resuscitated as often as needs be! Refused to believe this is best done in hospital rather than your own front room 🙄

@EmotionalBlackmail am going to do just that. Sick to the back teeth of it all. She's more agitated about not being able to get her emails than the fact her daughter had a 💔

Pretty much all day down there today as herself wanted a second eye on some paperwork.
DH volunteered to come with me and I accepted gratefully - somehow it's easier with him there, even though I can do it all on my own. I suspect, because on some level, deep down, it reassures me there's someone to look after me!
It's a lonely place to be the one looking out for people with nobody looking out for you. And I know quite a few posters on here are in that unenviable position 💐

We are going to visit some local sheltered housing for MIL which is next door to a care home that has space for FIL. MIL was so enthusiastic about yesterday that DH had to stop her going off to pack her bags.

Sounds perfect except BIL doesnt agree and he thinks FIL just needs to wear incontinence pants at night and he can happily go back home to MIL. As if that was all that it needs never mind the not eating not taking medication, not washing, wearing dirty clothes, shouting at MIL daily and the general chaos of having someone with dementia living with you.

@Morenicecardigans that sounds like a great plan and brilliant that your MIL is on board. Please feel free to share what I’m about to type with your BIL for some food for thought about the future.
Our parents were told Dad required nursing home care almost 2 years ago. Not a care home full nursing care. My sister and I sat with them and were just stuck as our mother refused to see the reality. Dad was in hospital when this happened. Rather than listen to the advice of Dads consultant or the medical team she roped in the golden child - our brother and they set about buying a hospital bed and stair lift. Eventually the medical team invoked a DoLs - deprivation of liberty on Dad so it was taken out of our hands and he was admitted to a nursing home. Eventually with carers it sounds like it would be a struggle for your ILs. My advice is that you clearly know what path to take and now is the time to do it before everything unravels as it did for us. There comes a point where family are simply not qualified to be there.

DF died yesterday after a long week of palliative care. He was entirely with us throughout until Monday night when he went to sleep and didn’t really wake up again before he died. It has been a very long, drawn out month of ups and downs in hospital but he was comfortable and peaceful. Now to support DM who has been suddenly widowed at 72.

Really sorry to read this @Earlydarkdays but I am glad that it was a peaceful passing. Wishing you peace and love in the coming days

My condolences to you and your DM, Earlydarkdays.

I’m so sorry @Earlydarkdays I’m glad your DF was comfortable at the end after such a difficult few weeks. Wishing you strength and peace.

@Earlydarkdays

@Earlydarkdays your poor DM. That's no age.
Glad your DF could slip away relatively peacefully.

Sorry for your loss @Earlydarkdays, glad it was peaceful remember to also take some time for yourself as well as supporting your DM. After the funeral can be particularly hard once you stop all the doing that comes with organising everything. Sending you strength at this difficult time 💐

@Earlydarkdays
Sorry for your loss. I'm glad the end was peaceful and comfortable.

So sorry for your loss@Earlydarkdays 🌺🌺

Sorry for you loss @Earlydarkdays

We've extended FILs respite care for another two weeks and hopefully that should be enough time to get something sorted nearer to us. BIL is a bit more on board with the plans now and MIL is relieved that FIL is not coming home.

Meanwhile MIL has transferred all her anxiety and worries to whether her heating is working or not. DH is fielding constant calls about the radiators being off. He has explained over and over that they go off when the right temperature is reached but she messes with the thermostat or gets the carers to adjust things. Last week the carers managed to switch the day and night settings so that the heating was on all night and off in the daytime. It's small fry compared to some of the other things that have happened but still exasperating!

@Earlydarkdays so sorry for your loss

@Morenicecardigans mum went through a phase of fussing about her heating. We had 1 winter where she had British Gas out 6 or 7 times and every time there was nothing wrong. A few weeks before dad died I arrived and he he was just about to try and bleed the radiators because mum was complaining they weren't warm. At the time he needed help getting out of a chair and had stage 4 heart failure! The house was at tropical temperatures so the thermostat had kicked in. Dad was "oh, of course why didn't I think of that". Mum just looked at me disbelievingly. I was sweating in a t shirt.

IME fiddling with the central heating controls is one of the first signs of madness (only partly joking ... part is genuine experience with family who've had poor mental health episodes).

Admittedly most CH controls are Byzantine and wildly mysterious.

I concur - messing with the heating controls and the boiler both experienced here too.

Stressful because of the gas. Sheltered accommodation had all electric appliances but the boiler was gas and I don’t know how DB didn’t lose his mind or his temper with the calls and finding things changed each visit.