🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@MysterOfwomanY what's your main worry? Do the couple want to see family and they're not visiting?

I would try to be quite blunt I think. 'I went to see X and Y and I do think they're looking quite frail now. I'm not sure how long they have.' Then the ball is in their court. You can never be sure why people aren't visiting though.

Perhaps add “if you want to visit, perhaps sooner, while they’re still able to appreciate it. That lets you-off the hook-if they linger for another few years, as well as being sensible advice.

Greetings all. And cockroach 🪳! Currently sitting in A&E with MIL, having been sent by the out of hours doc, who tried and failed to get her admitted locally. Triage nurse reckons she will get sent straight home.

As of 2 weeks ago, she is totally confused, wandering her sheltered housing, putting teabags in the kettle, trying to give her medication to others and talking of intruders in her flat, going upstairs (she's on the top floor) and insisting her dead sister is there. Strong words about safeguarding have been raised, but to no effect so far. We live 90 minutes away, cannot get her into our house because of stairs and are frankly unsure what can happen next. She's had 2 sets of antibiotics in case it's a UTI, but if anything she's worse.

@CrepuscularCritter, sorry to hear about MIL. I hope you are seen quickly and she isn’t sent home as it sounds like she needs something more helpful to happen rather than that! A lot for you to try and juggle from 90 mins away.

Evening all,
I hope some of you are managing some semblance of a peaceful weekend!

DF is still in hospital, end of the 2nd week in HDU, but he does seem to be making some progress as they are talking about moving him to the general ward and he is now off oxygen. Of course, rather than taking this as a good thing, I am now fretting about what this will mean when he gets home and what the future will look like. There are days I would very much like to turn my brain off with regard to these things!

Meanwhile, I have hardly seen my two primary aged DC over their holidays this week due to all of this and they are back at school next week but what can you do? I’ve told DM I can’t continue taking her to the hospital every day and she intends to get the bus with me there one day next week as a trial run which is something at least!

@CrepuscularCritter The NHS really isn’t good with dealing with the elderly! (Despite something like two thirds of its customers being elderly). Things like - Minor Injuries Unit won’t deal with head injury if you’re over 70, as if sitting on a plastic chair in A&E for 6 hours was going to be useful. Hope you do get seen, and get a useful result

@CrepuscularCritter sorry to hear about yours and MILs situation.
I would be very very clear to the hospital staff that your MIL is acutely confused - this is not her normal baseline behaviour. Tell them she is not safe at home and that you cannot care for her.

I was in a very similar situation with DM a few weeks ago and in the end I left her in A&E - she had a fall (luckily no bad injuries sustained) and was then admitted.
A week later she was discharged (unsafely) and within 24 hours was back in hospital.
Thankfully she has not been discharged this time and is waiting for a space in a care home for a funded rehab/respite bed.
I have had to be really firm with the hospital and have stood back far more than I would have.
I also called the out of hours social services team the night she had been discharged to say she was not safe and that I was too far away to help her - they advised calling an ambulance which was what I had to do.
In my experience so far the moment a hcp hears anything to suggest that an elderly patient is in any way supported at home they discharge them - I've had to hammer home that the support in place is for my DM's usual cognitive baseline not her current one.
You have my utmost sympathy - it is so hard and so stressful.
If they insist on sending your DMIL home then I would contact social services and her GP - ask for a safeguarding assessment, make it clear that you cannot care for her and that she is unsafe at home.
for you

Thanks to you all. We are still in A&E awaiting the consultant post scans. They have put a cannula in, but not the promised drip this far. The first doc thought they should find her a bed, but apparently there are 48 patients ahead in the queue. Still steeling ourselves for the assertion that she is unsafe. Fortunately she could not name the king or the month for the first doc. Now mainlining coke zero in attempts to stay awake....

She's safely admitted for more tests and we are incredibly relieved. There was mention that she might need to go into residential care on discharge, which seems like potentially the best option.

I would be very very clear to the hospital staff that your MIL is acutely confused - this is not her normal baseline behaviour. And also put it in writing. Give concrete examples if you can. I was able to say on x date, two days before hospital admission, my father had got the bus to a chiropodist appointment, then, on his way home, had done his supermarket shop and called in at his bank. Their attitude visibly changed.

@Earlydarkdays sorry if you've already done this but have you looked into volunteer drivers? They sometimes get less of a horrified reaction than suggesting taxis. Though taxis are well worth suggesting too...

Well done on persevering for her to be admitted. The best option right now so plans can be put in place going forward.

Good idea with the volunteer drivers, thanks. I have just looked it up for their local area but couldn’t find much apart from for people who needed to attend hospital themselves. I don’t live in the same city as them (albeit I only live 35 mins away) so I need to try and get in touch with someone local to see if I can find out more. I have contacted their church to see if they can point me in the right direction regarding this or get someone to call in to DM during the week to just chat to her. I’ll see if I can make some calls tomorrow when more places are open to ask about ideas on this. Thanks.

That's a very good call, thank you
We pointed out that she was normally self sufficient in many ways, such as making her own meals, but was now unable to follow the packet instructions for a microwave lasagne.

This morning we are trying to track her down in the hospital after yesterday's admission. We left at around midnight when she was still in emergency, and every extension the switchboard calls is timing out with no answer. Then we'll head to hers to pick up some clothes etc before we go and see her.

I may have imagined reading this on here but is there a way to set up Alexa or similar so a person who lives a distance from the elderly dementia sufferer can speak to them without using the telephone?

We have a difficult situation with PILs, general frailty, typical refusal of any care, paranoid delusions etc (might not be helped if a voice can suddenly talk out of nowhere!). It seems the ability to use the phone is becoming problematic. I think it's not too far off social services, dol etc but not there yet. I was hoping there might be an extra magic way to aid communication when a crisis occurs!

Cockroach to all struggling with tricky situations.

After much googling I think I'm looking for the "drop in" function after creating an Amazon household account. I'd be really grateful if anyone could share their experiences if they've done this as I'm still a bit unsure of the ins and outs. Thank you.

Re volunteer drivers, social servicesor Age UK local branch should be able to give contact details. Sadly mum has thoroughly pissed her local volunteers off after repeatedly being out or telling them she has decided not to go when they turned up to take her somewhere.

@CockroachCluster I had a CallGenie for my Aunt before she passed which uses Skype via the TV.

I think you can use an Amazon Echo Show with the drop in function

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/video-calling-device.142854/

@Choconuttolata thank you so much, that is an excellent link, much better than the ones I found! I think this could be a goer, it would be helpful to talk my MIL through food preparation which can be erratic, also maybe finding things which have mysteriously moved. I shall pass the information onto DH and SIL. They've just installed a ring doorbell which is also useful.

Well folks, himself has been hoicked into hospital this morning and herself asked me to help with arranging care, so I've spent the morning on the phone. Luckily money is not a problem. Herself is going to be spending the afternoon being assessed/ spoken to by multiple care companies and adult social services.
Made it easier to phrase the " NOT LOOKING GOOD" message to everyone today as it's less subjective.
Luckily there are genuinely helpful people locally and everyone is safe. But so so glad they still have money and marbles.

...and good job they DO have money and capacity, because from the talk I had with social services just now everything is at capacity and waiting lists are huge. The SW had already spoken to herself and agreed a plan - I was just being updated.

The council could at least sort out urgent care for a few days to bridge to private care - they can do that - they won't need to hopefully.
The SW will talk to herself tomorrow and check though. It's himself who has (even) greater needs and he's in hospital now, so there's that.

And the social worker'll make himself's hospital discharge team aware of the situation. I have to admire the SW's optimism that he'll be coming out!

But, last time I thought this was it, and ... he perked up and was out the next day. So who knows!!

If he stays in, at least I now have a wheelchair for taking herself in to visit him. I was surprised how cheap they were.

Yay and having put out a message to the wider family as I thought people would yell at me if I waited for things to get worse, someone read it, jumped to (the wrong) conclusions and yelled at me anyway. Oh well.

But people aren't always at their best in these situations so I just let it all roll off me. I'm sure I've done the same myself at some point!

@MysterOfwomanY there are many experts peering in from outside. They’re welcome to roll their sleeves up.

LUCKILY everyone else is way too far away!

Ah @MysterOfwomanY I feel your pain! DM has been given a place at a nice care home - she is being discharged from the hospital to the care home tomorrow.

Apparently, after 'a while' a social worker will visit to assess her to see if she might be able to go home or if she'll need care for the rest of her life. Social services are funding the care until this decision has been made.

In a way I'm hopeful that she can get over whatever has been causing this acute confusion - but apparently all of her scans including a brain MRI are normal. I was expecting them to say that her MRI was consistent with dementia but I have been told by the hospital that that isn't the case. In another way I hope she settles well in the care home and can stay so that she is looked after (and selfishly so that I don't need to be running around sorting everything out.) If she stays there then it will be a case of either selling or letting her house out and paying the care home fees.

I'm so tired of all this now.

I don't think anyone will shout at me (apart from DM) but I haven't got the energy to care if they do!