🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia - don't apologise. I'm new to this thread but feels like we're all going through similar and this is a safe space to offload and get support.
If DM is an inpatient, she is safe. I wouldn't listen to her messages tbh. Cinnamon Trust could be a good option in the short term for the cat.

@PatchworkOwl - it's hard juggling parents and DC. Do try and find some time for you. As someone else said, put your own oxygen mask on first.

For me, I had a text from DM at lunchtime. She and DF were trying to review their supermarket order that's due on Tues. They think they've ordered too much so wanted to amend the order but they couldn't get it to load so could I go over and do it for them. I was out with friends so didn't reply. She then messaged me again saying she thinks they've managed but there's a problem with the mouse for their computer so can I go and clean it!
I'm going Tuesday morning so I'm sure it can all wait until then...

Age UK have a ‘Keep Your Pet’ scheme @notcopingwellwithDMdementia. I don’t know if it’s any good but might be worth a try if you don’t want a permanent rescue.

Rant no 1535 follows.
Got a message from DMs oldest friend to say she was trying to phone (with the sad news that a third friend had died) and couldn’t get an answer. Neither could I so I had to go up - neither landline nor mobile working. Spent an hour on the phone to Virgin who did not make things easy. DM didn’t remember her password and couldn’t remember how much her bill was or when it was due or what the email address was (and why should she? DF set up the account years ago, SIL changed it all when he died. Eventually I found a bank statement with the amount on). Eventually they deigned to speak to me and we finally got it working. Mobile still not working though.
At one point I said, if you need anyone in the night just press the pendant round your neck. ‘What pendant?’. Aargh. God knows where that is.

I still have to make sure her cat is being looked after - at what point do I look to re-home him? She could be in a care home for weeks/months/forever - I can't keep relying on her neighbours to feed him. You can’t rehome him till you know she’s never coming back again. Can the Cinnamon Trust help? If you do rehome him and she is coming home, life might be easier if you say he died.

Thanks all for sharing your stories, it’s enormously helpful to not feel alone and to know others understand why it’s unbearable sometimes.

I’ve opened the wine after a weekend of it with DF. All visits (to nursing home) include the same demands that cannot be met, because I am only there to be the bringer of things and serve my master. I need more stock phrases so I don’t fall into the trap of suggesting I can ‘fix’ or bring things. I’m up to my eyes with sorting out all his admin, so my visits are necessarily short and I’ve only been twice this week because I now can’t visit for 3 weeks (bliss!).

Apparently he’s making a pain of himself and wants to be independent again and aims to live to 100. I really will just stop visiting if he lives for years more. We saved his life but he’s never happy, or grateful, or even asks about anyone else. Just unreasonable demands.

Thanks for all the suggestions about DM's cat - the neighbour is insisting that they are very happy to continue to look after it until we know for sure that DM is not coming home, so that is a relief.

I've had one message today reminding me that her house belongs to her and not me and that she pays the phone bill - I've ignored it.

@FiniteSagacity I really get the needing stock phrases - I always fall into the trap of trying to solve whatever problem DM throws at me which just makes my life ten times harder. I'm trying now to just nod and not come up with a solution - I guess it depends how with it your DF is? It's so hard.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia glad you’ve got an interim solution for the cat, one thing less to worry about for a while.

I go with a head tilt (rather than a nod) and non-committal stock phrases pared down to ‘oh’ and ‘mmmm hmmm’ - those are all I have right now. I bore myself but you’re right it’s just exhausting trying to help/please the determinedly unhappy. He’s not really with it any more, says what he thinks he should say but gets tangled in his own ‘logic’ and changes the subject.

I do sympathise with his frustration at his lack of agency and disliking ‘all these assessments’ but he’s incredibly frail, a danger to himself and has no grasp on the reality of his situation. It is better than the utter misery of a few months ago but still very hard.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia how savvy is your Mum with her mobile, could you turn on do not disturb or some other setting like airplane mode which prevents her mobile from working in the hospital to prevent her calling you on it?

How is everyone juggling this week?

DF is still in hospital here after a heart attack last week. They can’t do anything surgically and we know he is very ill, but they say he is showing slow signs of small bits of progress. They can’t help but panic about what this could mean longer term though.

DM wants to see him twice a day, the hospital is an hour from me, and she can’t really drive herself there so there is a lot of back and forwards with all of it just now. I’m going once a day myself as I do want to see him, and know it’s good for him to have some distraction (he is fully aware of what is going on but physically very unwell) and we are still aware he may well not recover from this but I have had to say there is no way I can take her back a second time every day. My young DC are on holiday just now so being farmed out to friends while we try to navigate this latest crisis. I would really like to stop this particular bus and get off at the moment!

@Earlydarkdays that sounds grim and difficult. You’re doing well to juggle everything to go everyday, and your dm could get taxis or lifts from other people for a second visit. I hope your df is comfortable.

That sounds really tough! Could she not just stay at the hospital for the day, get some lunch if they have a cafe/canteen, then go back to see him again? Then get a taxi home?

@Earlydarkdays goodness what a lot to deal with. Sensibly I do think @EmotionalBlackmail makes a good point about your DM. It simply is not sustainable you doing what you are. Do you have siblings to support or wider family? If you take on too much now it will be hard to back off when inevitably you need to. As ever ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’.

That’s a really good idea about her staying on for lunch, and then doing her second visit herself and getting a taxi home. I can still take her in the morning about another 10 days or so but will need to get back to work after that if things are still the same. Thanks for some very sensible ideas!

@BlueLegume, I’m an only child but DM has younger half siblings who are doing the odd visit with her to help. I’m going to need to ask for more help I think really.

The added complication with all of this is that DM has bipolar, and stress can cause her to become very depressed or manic. We had an awful year with that last year and she had to be hospitalised for over a month due to it, so part of me is scared to leave her alone too long in case she gets unwell herself. However, I do realise me being there isn’t actually going to stop her getting unwell. She relies heavily on DF to manage finances etc and life in general. I’m in the process of trying to register POA with their bank etc as they have agreed this would make life easier going forward thankfully.

@Earlydarkdays that’s a double whammy alright. Take care of yourself, and make sure you can do stuff sustainably instead of getting in over your head.

Mine are bumbling along. DM has started having recurrent UTIs in the last few months and has just had her 3rd course of antibiotics, this time a stronger one, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I think the cause is that she hardly drinks any water - they are of the generation that drinks tea and thinks drinking water is a millennial affectation. Any tips out there on UTIs?

They stopped me visiting this week, yesterday, as the weather was filthy and DM was going back to bed having been up in the night a lot to pee. I’m away next week so won’t see them for 10 days. Hope this isn’t the start of a slide.

Do you mind if I join in? We are making the 450 mile round trip to PILs to attend an assessment with the carers agency and to relieve BIL who's been there all week. FILs dementia is getting worse and MIL is tired depressed and confused but "doesn't need anyone to come in"

We've had the issue of recurring utis as well. It helps if they drink any fluids, so squash, ice lollies, broth, even jelly all helped. Water was always rejected. We had to prompt and encourage drinking regularly, which she hated, as she found it infantilising, but otherwise could go a whole day on two cups of tea. Their falls risk can increase with utis, and it resulted in several hospital stays, and subsequent declines, for us unfortunately.

I think the cause is that she hardly drinks any water - they are of the generation that drinks tea and thinks drinking water is a millennial affectation. Any tips out there on UTIs? It’s fluids that matter, not water, so can she be persuaded to drink more tea? Although caffeine is a bladder irritant, so it would be good if she drank decaff tea or coffee. Any soft drinks she’d drink? Lots of fruit, icecream etc as @PatchworkOwl says.

I’m not fond of water, so at this time of year I start the day with 3 mugs of decaff coffee, another mid morning, two mugs of herbal tea with lunch and again with dinner, something late afternoon, and herbal tea overnight - that’s 3l daily.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation and @PatchworkOwl - I’ll see if I can get her to drink herbal tea….

Just to say that fluids in food count as well - if she will eat anything like soup, stew, porridge, cereal with milk, vegetables, fruit, they all add to the fluid intake.

Grapes cucumber, gravy
...

(Not all together!)

May also be worth trying d-mannose as a preventative, if she'd take it. Helps prevent the bacteria sticking to the urinary Tracy.

Thanks @NoBinturongsHereMate - Urinary Tracy is being a right bitch to her at the moment! 🤣

@Morenicecardigans of course she doesn’t need anyone if BIL has been there all week. Just be honest at the care assessment- you live half a world away- and BIL needs to say he’s taken time off/out but it’s not sustainable in the long run. And welcome 🍸

Thanks for the welcome @SockFluffInTheBath we are only the middle of the current emergency because of MIL blocking help. I don't really care what she thinks after seeing DH looking so stressed with it all

I think there are quite a few of us on here that have had exactly that problem. Good luck.

That sounds really hard. All good wishes!

I feel this is extremely small beer relative to what a lot of us here are going through - but does anyone have any tips for how to phrase the "maybe come sooner rather than later" message for more distant family members?

Usual story - this couple (80s) still have capacity, but also, a whole smorgasbord of issues, including the old favourites of cancer, leg ulcers, and losing interest in food.

Not super close to me geographically, but, everyone else is a hell of a lot further away. So.

Visited today in response to a stressed phonecall, toting a couple of bags of food, and they are both so very emaciated, particularly the cancer sufferer. I'm nearly 60 myself and have seen enough to know what I'm looking at and it ain't brilliant.

I waver between thinking that being frail and ill doesn't make you a different person and maybe I should just keep my beak out (tho answer any questions honestly) and let things play out, and thinking maybe I should "say something" (but what? To who?).

I don't want to make things worse inadvertently...