🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia @MysterOfwomanY sympathy for you both. This narrative of being ‘shouted at’ or ‘called out’ by others has to stop. Most of us are decent people trying to navigate impossible situations on top of our own lives. | am throwing in a curveball here following @notcopingwellwithDMdementia comments about the scans and MRI being normal. We had this with our mother. Last year, in fact exactly a year ago had to deal with our brother telling us in a very emotional way that our Mum ‘she’s ill’. We are very used to our mother’s manipulation and disagreed but we went along with his desire for, and I quote, ‘we just need a diagnosis’. I organised a private referral we had everything, scans, bloods you name it. All culminating in a 2 hour face to face with a really wonderful consultant who essentially sussed her out. Manipulator of the highest order. Act a bit confused and scare the children so they jump through any hoop however high that might be. She knew she had been rumbled. My point I suppose is and this may get me flamed. My mother knows enough about dementia etc to just chuck in some of the alarm bells so we panic and worry she cannot be alone. Sadly she has done things like this our whole life and our brother has been blind or naive to it. I’m writing this very carefully because I am aware it is very hard to articulate. Our mother might not be happy with how things have turned out but we have shown she is not ill she is just not happy and in turn is doing things to make us think she might be ill. I could write an essay on her shenanigans over the years where she has done this- it is incredibly distasteful for her to feign something like dementia. But then she has no shame. Good luck and sympathy to everyone involved with this difficult time.

There's a lot of it about this week. FIL is also in hospital after a fall. As literally the only way to get him back into his house would be on a stretcher, I have no idea what will happen next.
The fall didn't cause any lasting injury. The problem is that he doesn't have the strength to walk. He's slow to process anything too complex, and is inclined to forget conversations. but is otherwise still in reasonable shape, cognitively speaking, in spite of signs of dementia. We'd literally just sorted private carers, and now, or at least for now, it seems that this would be grossly inadequate, given his current state of helplessness. He lives alone on the ground floor in a house he can't physically leave, but insists on remaining there, with his commode and zimmer. What a life..

@ArabellaFishwife its not much of a life, is it?

@BlueLegume I think your mum trained my mum. She has no shame or limits to get her own way,

Dm also fell out of bed at the nursing home this week... all fine. My only worry is if the new nursing home start thinking they should Do Something about it.

I shudder at the thought of being back in the phase when DM had enough cognitive ability to refuse any plan we suggested, but not enough to carry out any plan of her own without help. Huge sympathies to all daughters (and sons) wrestling with that stage.

@PermanentTemporary I recognise the challenge of the person refusing whatever anyone else suggests… but lacking capability to execute (or even articulate) their own plan.

See also, saying yes to any appointment… currently wrestling with NHS appointment that I can’t take DF to, that I’m not sure what it is for and suspect it might not be needed and that DF will not be able to articulate what he needs to.

Sitting in the hospital's Costa.

Have left herself at himself's bedside and our instructions are to retrieve her when we've had our coffee.

Poor man has been put in a side room on his own, and yes I do know what this suggests, and yes I do understand why the hospital made that choice - having seen him just now 😥.

Have just rung one of the main family and given her an update to pass on to people.

At least they're cognitively all there (as I told the care coordinator). Believe me I see what other Bad Daughters go through and thank all the gods every day for that!

@MysterOfwomanY I’m sorry you’re facing such a difficult time. I hope he’s comfortable. Big squishy hug to you.

Solidarity and hugs to all the daughters of the participants of Trip Week. It’s not funny, but there’s definitely something in the air this week.

@PermanentTemporary nobody is close enough to visit tbh.

In the Costa again at the mo.

When we got herself to the door of his side room today, I peeked through the glass panels at the top and went,
oh, he's asleep!
thinking, or, er..., um...

But he was just asleep.

Says nil by mouth on the door and there was a bag of the little sponge on a stick mouth swabs with a cup of water on his bed table.

Suspect it's just a waiting game now. Would love to be wrong, but...

We’ve been told there is nothing more that can be done for DF and palliative care are now involved. A waiting game now really. It’s so hard trying to sit with him as his breathing is very laboured but he is very aware of what of going ok. I keep hoping he’ll just slip away in his sleep soon but another morning comes round and no change.

Sending love to anyone else at this stage. It’s wretched.

@Earlydarkdays wishing you the strength you need, and sending a big hug.

@Earlydarkdays

@Earlydarkdays and @MysterOfwomanY you are in my thoughts today.

Been with DF in his "normal" home (i.e. where he lived before moving in with me). We arrived on Friday - DD2 came on Saturday, stayed over, went to a football match with me, my aunt and young cousin then got the train back on Sunday. We left DF with my uncle and they had a lovely time reminiscing so everyone was happy. Done some pottering, DF has seen his "wonderful" podiatrist who has him "walking on air". Yesterday DD1 came up by train so I met her in the city centre. We came back to DF's flat where she helped with some jobs then she & I met another cousin at another football match in the evening. We had a great time, walked in just after 11:30 as DF was heading to bed. This morning, DD1 has gone back to uni and DF and I are heading off shortly to look at venues for his 90th birthday party next year. Hopefully home tomorrow to rest!

This morning, DD1 has gone back to uni and DF and I are heading off shortly to look at venues for his 90th birthday party next year That’s impressive! My dad just wanted a family “birthday tea” for his 90th. But then he’s always hated a special fuss.

@Earlydarkdays it's a strange strange time. Sounds like it won't be long for your poor DF if his breathing is changing.

Will ring herself later to see how the new live in carer is bedding in.

Hi all...back again...I don't know where to start really but here goes...
Dad (81) carer for mum (78) who is type 1 diabetic. She has 4 x day carers. He has had to go to hospital after he collapsed. Being treated for gastroenteritis but BP is really low so they want to keep him in until its stable. No idea if that's 1 day, 3 days, 5 days...

I have dropped everything and stayed with mum. Spoke to social worker who said she will raise an emergency request for respite care so mum can go into a care home for a week or 2. She's told me this is unlikely to happen tmrw or in time for the weekend.

So my options are
A) stay with mum til dad gets home, or
B) take her to local hospital, admit her as a 'social admission' and effectively abandon her there.

I'm in utter shock. I shouldn't be as I've heard SS horror stories but when you aren't emotionally involved, you just tend to forget them. It's horrifying that if I choose to walk away, she'll end up in hospital and will likely stay there, bed blocking. Given she picked up an infection last time she was in hospital that seeded in her spine causing her legs to pack up so she's bed bound etc, I don't see her ever coming out of hospital plus being type 1 diabetic, I can't ask neighbours or family members to look after mum for a few hours because inevitably, she'll need food and her injection which they can't do.

I'm just beside myself with WTAF thoughts atm.

Anyone know if there is anything else I can do?

Thank you. My DF doesn’t seem to be very aware of where things are heading. He is very with it mentally but is either not taking it in or is trying to protect DM and I as he won’t discuss it. I’m just hoping it is quick for everyone’s sake. His breathing is laboured because of the fluid on his lungs from the heart failure but I have no idea how long this could take. It’s awful.

@MysterOfwomanY, thinking of you.

@Projectme unfirtunstely because you’ve dropped everything to be there she’s no longer an emergency to SS as ‘the family have rallied’. The only way to force it is to tell them you have had to go home (maybe watch from a safe distance?), but there’s still no guarantee. This is why the NI raise was necessary, but people don’t want to pay tax.

@Projectme what have you told the SW about you being there? At the moment you're not a priority as you've dropped
everything to be around so they don't need to act on it. Tomorrow will turn into we can't do anything as it's the weekend, to the end of next week and before you know it you've been there for a fortnight.

Depends on your circs but if you tell them you've got a child who needs to be got home from school tomorrow and can't be alone, your job only allows one day of emergency leave, your partner relies on you being there etc etc and that you have to go home then they'll have to get on with sorting something out.

Good luck! This is the really tough bit!!

God youre so right. Its so tough. 😔

We are having what can only be described as a relentless week. Instead of being on holiday with DS (27) treating him to some fine dining as he's been so busy at work and has had a tough time over the last few years. He is with us this week in a holiday rental about 30 mins away from PILs with pizza rather than fancy restaurants.

We have taken FIL with mixed dementia into a care home for respite care and then tried to fix some of the chaos left behind with MIL. We've done food shopping, sorted paperwork, caught up on washing and called British Gas out to fix the dodgy heating. We have started carers going in twice a day for MIL and she has accepted this but the fragility team at the GP have said she needs carers four times a day. I think the whole thing will fall over if the carers go in for any extra visits as MIL says they talk too much.

On the plus side I dropped some extra clothes for FIL off at the care home and he'd gone out for a trip in the minibus.

I was desperately in need of a holiday but have spent this week at the beck and call of two eighty somethings.

We were halfway to the hospital today when the new live in carer (yay) rang to say the doctors wanted to speak to herself.
A bit of a ! moment but they just wanted to talk through his treatment.

@Earlydarkdays hang on in there.

@Projectme locally there is a thing called crisis care which tbh families can request. Do you have an SW phone number? Bombard them. Be more of a nuisance than the other poor sods.

It's so crashingly dumb that "care" and healthcare are organized separately.
The majority of care is needed for people with multiple frailties and comorbidities, well known to their doctors.

Quite, @MysterOfwomanY . FIL doesn't need a general hospital bed any longer, as the injury that got him admitted is better now. But can he stand up without help, or walk as far as it would take at home to get from chair to bed/commode? Or even get into his own front door? No. Can he even acknowledge that this might be a problem? Noooo, he either can't or won't. We won't go into all the comorbidities.

Making appointments with care homes, to try and get a tiny bit ahead of the game here. We've been down the same road with MIL, but her needs were very different.